Seasons of Life Newsletter - Visiting Nurse Service of New York

2016 NEW WIllis Fall VNSNY Seasons 12 final_2012 FINAL Seasons of Life 9 spreads 8/4/16 1:30 PM Page 1
El duelo
en la
población
Hispana
page 3
page 4
VNSNY Hospice
and Palliative Care
Bereavement
Services Calendar
Fall 2016
A Memorial
Weaving:
Climbing
Our
Own
Mountains
page 7
page 8
A special weaving
that's become
a continuous
memorial
Seasons of Life
A Bereavement Newsletter from the VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care Program
Fall 2016
Issue 23
New Beginnings and “Moving Forward”
E. Willis Partington, M.Div., LCSW-R, FT, Lead Bereavement Counselor
T
It has been said that grief is hard
he beginning of September is a time
work. Part of the work of grief is learnof great changes. The slow, lazy pace
ing how to live again in a world in which
of summer gives way to the annual
your loved one is not physically present.
ritual of going back to school. The pace of
There
is an article I read several years
life picks up as the days grow shorter and the
ago with the title “Living with Grief:
temperatures begin to drop. But if you are
Rebuilding a World”. The author
grieving the loss of a loved one, it can be
talks about the model of grief work that
painful to see others going on with their lives
encourages
“letting go” of the person
when your own is changed forever. Fall is a
who died. This model has had major
season of new beginnings, but your life can
influence on societal understandings
feel as if it is frozen in time from the date
of grief and what the grief process is
that your loved one’s life ended.
“Perhaps
you
will
then
gradually,
supposed
to look like, including the need
Experiencing the loss of a loved one may
without noticing it, live along for having “closure”. It does not match
not be thought of as a new beginning, but it
some distant day into the
up with the lived experience of the vast
is one nonetheless. It may take a long time
answer.”
majority of people who have lost a
before it can be seen that way, as a new
—
The
poet
Rainer
Maria
Rilke
loved one.
beginning, a new phase of life, a transition to
Letters to a Young Poet
The reality is that grief is a lifelong
a new identity. The poet Rainer Maria Rilke
process. The death of a loved one is the beginning of the
in his “Letters to a Young Poet” writes regarding the many
grief journey, but it is not the end of that relationship.
unanswered questions that are part of moving into an
Often
in grief counseling I encourage the people I am
uncertain future, “Perhaps you will then gradually, without
working with to adopt the concept of “moving forward”
noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”
Continued on next page
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rather than “moving on”. Moving on implies leaving
behind, while moving forward means living each
day and moving into the future with your loved one
coming along with you. How that happens is up
to the individual mourner and the nature of the
relationship they had with their loved one.
As we move into the holiday season, it is also
a time of new beginnings. Holidays are accompanied
by family traditions which may have to be changed,
renegotiated or sometimes abandoned. Thanksgiving
Day will mean an empty chair at the table, perhaps
roles fulfilled by your loved one that will have to be
taken on by someone else. It may mean sharing a
meal with different people in a different location.
Many grieving people express the wish to skip the
holidays altogether, to somehow be able to fast-forward until January 2nd. But of course, the new year
will bring with it new holidays—new “firsts” which
will need to be experienced and perhaps lived in
new ways.
I am also experiencing a new beginning this
fall in taking on the role of Lead Bereavement
Counselor. This is my first article as the editor of
our newsletter Seasons of Life. As I reflect on the
possibilities in this new position, I am also aware of
what I am leaving behind in no longer being one
of the bereavement counselors with the Queens
hospice team. As the saying goes, “when one door
closes, another one opens,” yet a new opportunity
brings sadness as well. I have gone through a process
of having to say goodbye to the place that was my
“home base” and the people I have worked with over
the last nine years. But as I transition into working
full time in Manhattan, I am attempting to bring
those experiences, those people and those memories
with me as I move forward in my own journey of
professional growth and development.
It is my hope for you that as we enter this fall
and the holiday season, that you will find a way to
bring your loved one with you in your own way,
and in so doing to transform what our society sees as
an ending into a new beginning.
Sincerely,
M. Div., LCSW-R, FT
Lead Bereavement Counselor
Dear Friend-in-Grief,
I
t was a pink plaid, wool coat, with a big shawl collar,
that belted at the waist. My mother, Omi, wore it
with such flair. Although she was not tall, she gave
a tall impression as she carried herself with such erect
stature. She had been effortlessly slim and, oh, so
graceful. I was there when she bought this coat. My
oldest son, A., would take his grandmother shopping
before the holidays. His grandmother had been widowed
for many years and he lovingly stepped in to fill the void
to the best of his abilities. I had joined them for that particular trip to Loehmann's. A. would scan the racks and he
would select the items for Omi to try on. She trusted him.
It was A. who found this coat and ran over to Omi with his
find. Omi loved color, she loved life. She enjoyed this coat
and she absolutely adored A.
Omi died six months ago. I’m in the process of cleaning out her apartment. Yesterday, a lovely young woman,
a friend of a friend, came over. Like my mother, she too, is
very slim, and would easily fit into my mother’s beautiful,
elegant clothes. She went through the racks and selected
a number of suits. I showed her the coat closet and she
selected this pink plaid coat. It was heart wrenching for
me. That coat is love personified. I asked her to model
the coat for me. She did. She tied the belt jauntily and
she looked terrific. With tears rolling down my cheeks,
I explained to her what that coat meant to me. I assured
her that I was thrilled that she would be wearing it and
enjoying it. Why should this coat just sit in the closet
and gather dust? Why should it go to a totally
anonymous person?
Yet, when I arrived home, I immediately called A.
We both cried over the phone. “A.,” I asked him, “should
I ask for the coat back?” We discussed it and decided that,
no, let her wear it in good health and with our blessings.
Let others benefit from my mother (and A.'s!) sense of
beauty, and let her extreme generosity live on.
My mother had been ill for 10 years with emphysema.
She had been exceedingly ill, on hospice care for almost
two years. A dear friend pointed out that upon her death
I had been probably relieved that it was over, for her
sake and for mine. She was ready to go and told me
so repeatedly. At this point, though, the relief has been
replaced with the pain of her loss. I do miss her so. Yet,
I know she’s in a better place. I thank God that I had
such an incredible mother who bonded with her
grandchildren so beautifully, and who taught me so
much about life, planting within me with a huge
appreciation for beauty and joy.
May her memory be a blessing for all.
M.
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El duelo en la población Hispana
A
Rocío Lorena Ruíz, Bereavement Services Intern
finales del año pasado un equipo de consejeros
de duelo y relacionistas de VNSNY de ascen
dencia hispana se reunieron para compartir
experiencias de trabajo y comentar los retos que
enfrentan en la diaria labor de asistir a la población
latina hacia el final de la vida. Los hispanos, también
llamados Latinos, son aquellas personas provenientes
del Sudamérica, América Central, el Caribe y México,
pueblos que comparten una herencia cultural española
(lenguaje, religión y tradiciones) así como aquellas que
nacieron en este país de padres hispanos. Esta
población constituye la minoría más grande en los
Estados Unidos, siendo 55.3 millones de personas
que representan el 17.3% de la población total del país.
• Personalismo, la inclinación por interactuar de modo
más personal y familiar, y la expectativa por un trato
más íntimo, delicado y preferencial;
• Familismo, la consideración que la familia es lo más
importante. Familia Latina=familia nuclear +e
familia extendida + amigos cercanos;
• Fatalismo, la creencia que los eventos ocurren por
causas divinas o por el destino;
• Simpatía, capacidad para compartir espontáneamente sentimientos.
Considerando esto, decimos que los Latinos
tenemos una manera muy particular de vivir, conducirnos, de entender y expresar nuestra aflicción. No
sólo nos vemos diferentes sino que sentimos diferente.
Los Latinos dejamos atrás el mundo que conoceNuestro propio lenguaje está muy
mos. Nos vemos afectados por la inmiligado a los sentimientos, a nuestra
gración, la aculturación, las diferencias
cosmovisión
religiosa y al sistema
generacionales, el status socio-económico
de creencias que perpetuamos de
y el lenguaje. Construimos un nuevo
generación
en generación. Frases
sentido de pertenencia en la sociedad que
como “‘uno no sabe lo que tiene hasta
nos recibe, y si bien existen diferencias
que
lo pierde”, “me hace mucha falta”,
individuales y grupales, compartimos
"la madre es única", "los hombres no
valores culturales comunes que afloran en
o “es la voluntad/castigo de
lloran"
el proceso de adaptación. Estos valores
Dios”, así como ciertos costumbres y
rectores no sólo nos caracterizan sino
rituales
como vestirse de negro, corque nos sostienen en época de adversidad,
responder con atenciones los detalles
dolor y crisis.
Hay quienes traen al mundo de quienes nos acompañan, o finalEn qué nos diferenciamos los Latinos
una luz tan grande…que
mente aislarse socialmente para
de otros grupos? Aquí los más representaincluso después de haberse guardar luto por un año, reflejan
tivos:
ido esa luz permanece.
toda nuestra herencia cultural.
• Tradicionalismo, la adherencia a las tradiciones
En el Programa de Duelo de VNSNY respetamos
culturales y religiosas, y la manera de mantener los
la diversidad cultural, nos sensibilizamos ante la pérvalores culturales trasmitiéndolos de generación en
dida de nuestros seres queridos y comprendemos las
generación;
necesidades de la población latina. El equipo de con• Marianismo, la capacidad femenina de soportar
(resistir) cualquier sufrimiento y ser espiritualmente
"superior" a los hombres;
• Machismo (en el sentido positivo), la expectativa y
aceptación de que los varones deben conducir el
hogar;
• Orgullo, entendido como fortaleza para enfrentar la
adversidad, pero también como inhibición de ciertas
expresiones de miedo o dolor;
sejeros bilingües y Latinos nativos los acompañamos
por 13 meses a partir de la pérdida, brindando un
espacio singular para facilitar el duelo, realizando
talleres formativos y actividades que permiten
construir un nuevo sentido de la vida, rindiendo
honor a los que ya partieron.
Si necesita apoyo adicional no dude en contactarnos.
Recuerde que no está solo: Aquí estamos para usted.
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Bereavement Services Fall 2016 Calendar
The David and June Pelkey Grief Education Series
Presentations designed to support people on their journey of grief
Registration is required • Manhattan location unless specified otherwise
Fall Labyrinth Walk in Manhattan
Saturday • October 1
(Rain Date • October 8)
9:30 a.m.
Debra Oryzysyn • 212-609-1929
Debra.Oryzysyn@vnsny.org
Mindfulness Based Grief Reduction:
Finding Peace • 16 Breathing Exercises
Sunday • September 25
10:00 a.m.—4:30 p.m.
Jean Metzker • 718-888-6966
Jean.Metzker@vnsny.org
How Long Does Grief Last?
Monday • October 17
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Willis Partington • 212-609-1905
E.Willis.Partington@vnsny.org
Anger: Finding Peace:
Watering Seeds of Calmness
Sunday • October 16
1:00 p.m.—2:30 p.m.
Jean Metzker • 718-888-6966
Jean.Metzker@vnsny.org
Stress Management and Self-Care in Grief
Monday • November 14
11:30 a.m.—1:00 p.m
Willis Partington • 212-609-1905
E.Willis.Partington@vnsny.org
Making the Holidays Meaningful and Manageable
Thursday • November 10
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Mary Kay King • 212-760-3138
MaryKay.King@vnsny.org
Color Palate: How grief is influenced by color.
Physical, Emotional, Cognitive, Behavioral,
and Spiritual Influences.
Sunday • November 13
Small group interaction.
12:00—2:00 PM
Jean Metzker • 718-888-6966
Jean.Metzker@vnsny.org
Hacer Frente al Duelo Durante las Fiestas
Martes (Tuesday) • Noviembre (November) 22
1:30 p.m.—3:00 p.m.
Liz Santana • 917-608-7220
Elizabeth.Santana@vnsny.org
Making the Holidays Meaningful and Manageable
Monday • December 12
Lunchtime: 12:30 p.m.—2:00 p.m.
or
Evening: 6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Willis Partington • 212-609-1905
E.Willis.Partington@vnsny.org
How Long Does Grief Last?
Tuesday • January 10, 2017
11:30 p.m.—12:30 p.m.
Willis Partington • 212-609-1905
E.Willis.Partington@vnsny.org
Workshop Testimonial
“I was able to be strong
because I had your
support and knew
I wasn't alone.’’
—A.K.
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Bereavement Services Fall 2016 Calendar
Registration is required • Manhattan location unless specified otherwise
Weekly (Ongoing) Groups
Bi-Weekly Groups
First Year of Grief
General Loss
Supporting adults whose loved one
died on hospice
For Adults Grieving the Death of
a Loved One • Brooklyn
Mondays • 11:00 a.m.—12:30 p.m.
Janet King • 212-609-1907
Janet.King@vnsny.org
Tuesdays • September 6, 20, October 4, 18,
November 1, 15, and December 6, 20
January 3, 17, 2017
Chinese-Language Bereavement Support
12:00 p.m.—1:30 p.m.
Dianna Sandiford • 718-787-3155
Dianna.Sandiford@vnsny.org
Men Only
Tuesdays • 2:30 p.m.—4:00 p.m.
Pamela Yew Schwartz • 347-831-1811
Pamela.Schwartz@vnsny.org
For Adults Grieving the Death
of a Loved One
Tuesdays • 6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m
John Anderson • 212-760-3146
janderson@archcare.org
Special Topic
Art as a Pathway to Healing
The Museum of Modern Art and VNSNY
Hospice invite you to join regularly-scheduled
programs this fall to learn about art and meet
new people through interactive sessions and
hands-on exploration of artists and themes
in modern and contemporary art. No prior
experience necessary! Family members who
have had loved ones on VNSNY Hospice will
be given priority. Contact MoMA Prime Time
at (212) 333-1265 or primetime@moma.org
for more information.
For Men Coping With Grief
Mondays • September 12, 26, October 10, 24,
November 7, 21, and December 5, 19
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Willis Partington • 212-609-1905
E.Willis.Partington@vnsny.org
En Español
Spanish-Language Bereavement Group
Bi-Weekly Thursdays • September 8, 22,
October 6, 26, November 3, 17, and
December 1, 15
1:30 p.m.—3:00 p.m.
Liz Santana • 917-608-7220
Elizabeth.Santana@vnsny.org
Workshop Testimonial
“The bereavement services
offered by VNSNY were like
an oasis in a desert. When
I started the group, I felt
isolated and alone and I felt
life had no meaning. When
the group was over, I felt
refreshed and on the path
to healing.’’
—M.H.
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Bereavement Services Fall 2016 Calendar
Registration is required • Manhattan location unless specified otherwise
Monthly Groups
Focused Groups
Spouse or Partner Loss
General Loss
For Adults Grieving the Death
of a Loved One • Brooklyn
Fridays • September 30, October 28,
November 18 • December 16, and
January 27, 2017
2:00 p.m.—3:30 p.m.
Dianna Sandiford • 718-787-3155
Dianna.Sandiford@vnsny.org
Parent Loss
For Young Adults Grieving the
Death of a Parent
Wednesdays • September 7, October 5,
November 2, December 7, 2016 and
January 4, 2017
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Ben Weinstock • 718-888-6965
Benjamin.Weinstock@vnsny.org
For Adults Grieving the Death
of a Brother or Sister
Mondays • September 19, October 24,
and November 28
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Ben Weinstock • 718-888-6965
Benjamin.Weinstock@vnsny.org
Special Topic:
For Adults Grieving the Death
of a Spouse or Partner
Mondays • September 12, 19, 26, and
October 3, 10, 17
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Mary Kay King • 212-760-3138
MaryKay.king@vnsny.org
For Adults Grieving the Death
of a Spouse or Partner
Mondays • November 7, 14, 21, 28, and
December 5, 12
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Mary Kay King • 212-760-3138
MaryKay.King@vnsny.org
For Older Adults Grieving the Death
of a Spouse or Partner
Tuesdays • September 20, 27, October 4, 11,
18, 25 and November 1, 8
11:00 a.m.—12:30 p.m.
Debra Oryzysyn • 212-609-1929
Debra.Oryzysyn@vnsny.org
Adult Loss of a Parent
Wednesdays • September 7, 14, 21, 28
and October 5, 19
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Pamela Yew Schwartz • 347-831-1811
Pamela.Schwartz@vnsny.org
“Exploring Grief’s Expressions” • Brooklyn
Special Service:
Tuesdays • September 13, 27, October 11, 25,
and November 8, 22
1:00 p.m.—2:30 p.m.
Dianna Sandiford • 718-787-3155
Dianna.Sandiford@vnsny.org
Reiki Therapy • Queens
By appointment
Jean Metzker • 718-888-6966
Jean.Metzker@vnsny.org
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Climbing Our Own Mountains
Michelle Hamilton Bronzo, LHMC, CT, Bereavement Counselor, VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care
I
f you look back upon the landscape of your life—like
viewing the skyline of a familiar city—you will most
likely find the terrain to be extremely varied. Rarely
does the course meet the horizon line for very long,
indicating calm and maintenance; rather, the picture is
punctuated with bumps, hills, and mountains representing
life’s challenging climbs, as well as grooves, dips, and valleys celebrating the ease of some successes.
As someone who knows about death and loss all too
well, you may find that healing and resiliency are not
always contained on a straight path either; instead, you
may discover that despite your best efforts to remain
positive and find peace, sometimes you will trip and lose
your footing, falling back down the way you have already
come up. This can be an upsetting and frustrating
experience when you’re working so hard to “make gains”
in the process. As time passes though, you may find that
retracing steps can actually strengthen the body and cause
realizations that were missed first time around. Also, with
the help of climbing poles (social support/family/friends),
your difficult summit to the top of your grief process will
most likely feel less cold, less jarring, and less wobbly.
No matter where you are in your grief process, be
kind to and understanding of yourself. You are going
through a difficult time. Treating yourself with compassion will help alleviate self-imposed guilt regarding a
timeline of grief. The timeline is an individual one and
may be forever changing. Take comfort in the words of
Peter Marshall, who spoke of great strength in times of
great challenge: “When we long for life without difficulties,
remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and
that diamonds are made under pressure.”
“Retracing steps can actually strengthen the body
and cause realizations that were missed first time
around.”
— Michelle Hamilton Bronzo
H.E.A.L. Fall Event
Manhattan
Friday • November 18
6:00 p.m.—8:00 p.m.
* For families with school-aged children*
Mary Safrai, VNSNY Consultant,
VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care
Email: Mary.safrai@vnsny.org
Phone: 1-646-206-1429
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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care
Non-Profit
U.S. Postage
1250 Broadway, 4th floor
PAID
New York, NY 10001
New York, NY
Permit No.
2147
LOOK INSIDE FOR:
FALL 2016 CALENDAR OF EVENTS
A Memorial Weaving
W
oven from pieces of
fabric cut from shirts,
blouses, scarves, dresses
or other personal items of individuals
who died, A Memorial Weaving was
begun at VNSNY Hospice and
Palliative Care in September 2007.
Inspired by a similar endeavor
of the Hynes Hospice in Wichita,
Kansas and developed locally by
Janet King, VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care
bereavement counselor, the Weaving is designed as a
continuous memorial with new additions each year.
As an expressive arts therapist, Ms. King is keenly
aware of the power of a weaving created from many
pieces of fabric to symbolize and join the love and
loss of so many families.
Seasons of Life
A special weaving that's become
a continuous memorial
Bereaved family members are
welcome to send fabric cuttings any
time of the year to Ms. King, so
they can be incorporated into the
Weaving. To contact Janet King please
call her: 212-609-1905 or email her:
Janet.King@vnsny.org or write to
her at: VNSNY, 1250 Broadway
4th floor, NY, NY 10001.
The Memorial Weaving will be on
view at the VNSNY Hospice Memorial Service, scheduled
for 2:00 p.m.on Sunday, October 23, 2016 at the Unitarian
Church of All Souls at 1157 Lexington Avenue (@80th St.)
in Manhattan. It will be displayed during the rest of the
year at the VNSNY Hospice administrative offices in
Manhattan.
Editor: E. Willis Partington, M.Div., LCSW-R, FT
Lead Bereavement Counselor
Published with the help of VNSNY’s Marketing Department.
For more information, please contact me:
E.Willis.Partington@vnsny.org or call me at 212-609-1905
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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life