Soulmate Sequence Your Guide to Mastering Social Confidence and Finding The One ( PDFDrive )

THE SOULMATE SEQUENCE:
Your Guide To Mastering Social Confidence And Finding The One
By Richard La Ruina
Copyright © Richard La Ruina 2018
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THE SOULMATE SEQUENCE:
Your Guide To Mastering Social Confidence And Finding The One
TABLE OF CONTENTS
AUTHOR’S NOTE
What Will I Get From Reading this Book?
How This Book Is Structured
PART ONE: Mastering Magnetism
Chapter 1: Meeting People
Why Should I Need To Meet New People?
Who Should You Want To Meet?
Clicking With People in Warm Situations
Repeating Situations
Cold Situations
Don’t Fear The Friend Zone
Putting People You Like in “The Friend Zone”
What Do People Want?
Chapter 2: Mastery Of Conversation
Listening
Dealing With Awkward Silences
The Art of Beautiful Conversations
Empathy
Refusing the Self-reference
Closed versus Open Questions
Secret Weapon: The Prompt
What Subjects Should I Talk About?
Okay, But When Can I Talk About Myself?
Being More Interesting and Building Knowledge
Chapter 3: Confidence
Speaking Clearly
Posture and Body Language
Fashion
Eye Contact – Windows to the Soul and All That…
Bragging — to Crush or to Connect?
Say Cheese! What About Smiling?
Gestures and Touching
Chapter 4: Social Shift
Changing Your Social Circle
A Word For Introverts
The Case Against Being Yourself
Be a Connector
Engineering Agreement
Offer Them an Illusory Choice (Double Bind)
PART TWO: Finding The One
Chapter 5: Determining What You Are Looking For
How To Approach and How To Be Approached
The Art of the Casual Relationship
Chapter 6: How To Have Great First Dates
Take the Focus Off the Human Encounter
Give Yourself an Easy-Out
Focus on Getting the Three Seductive Phases Right
Chapter 7: The Secret Seduction Sauce
Displaying Yourself as a High Value Person
Show Full Confidence in Yourself, Your Opinions and Beliefs.
Let Them Know Right Away You Have High Standards.
Flirt and Be Playful, Both Physically and Verbally
Chapter 8: Revealing Your Sexual Side
But Don’t Forget To…
When and How to Get Physical
The First Kiss
Chapter 9: The Digital Dating World
Good Text Game
Your Online Persona
Meeting Online
How Your Social Circle Makes You More Attractive
PART THREE: Living Happily Ever After
Chapter 10: Nurturing Your Relationship
First Take It Fast, Then Take It Slow
Avoiding Arguments and Break-ups
Strategies for Fighting Well
What If You Actually Do Have a Contentious Issue?
Meeting the Parents
PART FOUR: Using Your New Social Skills In Other Areas Of Your
Life
Hooking Up with High Value People
How to Talk to People About Other People
Changing People’s Minds and Handling Disagreement
How To Be Funny
Self-deprecation
Teasing and Mischaracterizing Your Companion
Exaggeration
Ludicrousness and Parody
CONCLUSION
AUTHOR’S NOTE
This is a book about being sociable —
intelligently sociable. Mastering this
skill is the key to opening up your
entire life. Think about it – all of the
best things in our lives are born from
social interactions. The dream job
offer landed in your lap because an
acquaintance gave you a tip and then
you killed it at the interview. The
wonderful relationship blossomed
from a friend’s introduction and you
followed up with a series of amazing
dates. Your oldest friend was drawn to you back in college because of a
joke you delivered in just the right way. We often look at these situations as
chance happenings — but I disagree. In this book I will show you, very
clearly, how to take control of your social life so that you can create these
beautiful moments at will.
Ten years ago, I founded two dating advice companies — one for men, one
for women. Both companies are leaders in the field and have served
hundreds of thousands of clients. The idea for The Soulmate Sequence
was born out of conversations with my former students.
It was my practice to follow up with clients intermittently to check on their
progress. Time and time again, I was hearing the same thing — they’d thank
me for improving their love life, but then quickly pivot to another aspect of
their life in which they were experiencing massive and new-found success.
These students had come to me for dating help, but had found the changes
outside of the romantic realm to be far more exciting. For some students, it
was a big promotion or new client; for others, it was finding a group of tight-
was a big promotion or new client; for others, it was finding a group of tightknit friends after having suffered years of near solitude.
These conversations made it clear to me that that my work was much more
far-reaching and life-changing than I had anticipated. The same principles
that I had originally applied only to dating were working miracles for people
on so many different levels.
In the ten years since founding those companies, I’ve transitioned into a new
stage of life. I’m no longer an eager twenty-something going out every night
to hone new techniques to share. I got married in December 2016 and at 37
years old I am more focused on my relationship, my friends and family, and
how I can help as many people as possible experience more successful and
satisfying lives.
What Will I Get from Reading this Book?
We’ve all known someone who has that gravitational pull that draws others
into their orbit: A quality that instantly engenders feelings of trust, comfort
and affection. Their pull is so strong that it causes those around them to
reshape how they think about their own futures, about their own journeys
and life paths, based solely on this new, powerful force emanating from that
magnetic person.
Think of a quickly rising politician who draws crowds wherever he or she
goes, or an entrepreneurial leader who inspires others to leave their steady
jobs to embark upon an exciting new future.
These are the most extreme and visible examples, but magnetism is all
around us in our everyday lives. Whether it’s that co-worker everyone seems
to like and ultimately agree with, or that friend who can’t leave a party
without exchanging contact details with half a dozen new people, those who
are magnetic seem to embody this power effortlessly. I argue that while, yes,
some people seem to have been born knowing how to be magnetic, most of
us are not. The good news for the majority of us without the apparently
natural ability to draw others to us is that these skills can be learned. And the
goal of this book is to give you the skills, using specific techniques and
guidelines, to go from being a bystander to being an influencer.
Take my personal story, for example:
Over the course of the past twelve years I’ve gone from having no friends,
massive social anxiety, and limited academic or financial success, to owning
a thriving business, having an active social life, and a deeply fulfilling
relationship.
Am I special? My mother thinks so – but I can assure you, if you were to ask
this question of anyone I grew up with, they’d tell you that I am most certainly
not. I will be the first to argue that the skills I used to overcome the obstacles
in my early life are something that can be learned. Over time and much
study, I have developed a process that allows me to quickly understand
people, connect with them, and create long-lasting and deeply trusting
relationships, which benefit everyone involved. Again, most of us are not
born knowing how to connect with people. If you have picked up this book,
my guess is that you are one of them. Rest easy, I am one of you, too. And I
am proof that the ability to foster relationships can be learned. If you commit
yourself to this cause, I promise that it will be the most beneficial thing you
do in your adult life.
It all boils down to this…most naturally magnetic people draw their power to
influence others by genuinely operating from a place of empathy and
unwavering integrity. This is the fundamental principle underlying the
actionable techniques I want to share with you.
If there is one thing I’ve learned in my years as a dating coach, it’s that
sharing theories is not enough. This is not a book of theoretical advice, but
instead it is full of practical lessons for the real world. The goal here is to
provoke action and positive change by giving you actionable steps to take
when you are faced with specific life situations that you may struggle with.
How this Book is Structured
The first part of The Soulmate Sequence focuses on meeting new
people. When we have a need, for example for a romantic partner, the
inclination is to focus on that end goal and try to get there as quickly as
possible. However, to stand the best chance of getting the end result that
you want, it’s essential to lay the groundwork of just being really good at
meeting anyone and making them like you.
It’s a great skill to have.
Most good things, most of our happiness, and most of our luck actually
come from having the right people around. So we need to handle this first.
We’ll also cover a lot of powerful skills for social interactions, conversation,
and confidence. Once you have these on tap you will naturally be more
attractive, have more options, and be likely to have successful romantic
relationships.
The second part of the book focuses in on those romantic relationships, the
how and what of having success in this area. How to flirt, how to have great
dates, when to get physical, and even how not to blow it by sending stupid
messages between meetings.
Finally, in part three, we look at what is necessary to keep a relationship
healthy for the long term. I assume that sooner or later you’d like to end up in
a happy relationship, and this is where you will find help to prepare you for
that.
Let’s get started!
PART ONE:
MASTERING MAGNESTISM
CHAPTER 1: Meeting People
Why Should I Need To Meet New People?
My guess is that if you’ve picked up this book then you are not where you
want to be in life. If I am correct, then I highly recommend you surround
yourself with some new people. In my case, many of my friends from my
teenage days have ended up in court; others are drug addicts; others have
failed to launch into adulthood, living out their thirties in a bedroom courtesy
of Mom and Dad while earning minimum wage. Therefore, over the years I
have been forced to change my social circle. At first I did this unconsciously,
slowly drifting away from those friends who aspire to nothing. Once I
realized the positive effect this shift had on my life, I began to very
consciously change my social circle. I’ve drawn closer to friends who are
nearer to what I aspire to become. In my late twenties and early thirties, this
meant guys with their own businesses that were more successful than mine,
or relaxed and charismatic guys who were great with women.
Why should you do this? Because through sheer exposure, new abilities will
seep into your subconscious. That great sense of humour one friend has will
inspire your own light touch; that elegant way another resolves a business
snag on the phone stimulates better decision-making skills in you.
We all like to relax and feel good with our friends, but beware of simply
sinking down onto a sofa with “friend mirrors” who act and think exactly like
you. We’ve all seen this played out in real life: the drug user who is friends
with other drug users, the couch potato who ends up on his buddies’
couches all weekend, the constant complainer holds court telling other
blissfully-negative people that life sucks. The good news is that we can all
easily escape this trap at any time. If you take the “mirrors” away and drop
these same people into new social circles, their attitudes and beliefs can’t
survive. The push to conform and fit in, ironically, also means that they will
have to change when they find themselves surrounded by people who are,
all of a sudden, different from them.
It can be hard to change when the crowd around you stays fixedly the same.
It can be hard to change when the crowd around you stays fixedly the same.
The people around you may be uncomfortable with these changes as they
can bring forth feelings of self-consciousness and even jealousy as they lose
the person who validates their lack of action. If those around you react
negatively to positive change in your life, that is a clear sign that they are
holding you back. Usually these reactions are subconscious, of course, for
you are making changes they know deep down that they should make as
well.
These two paths lie there, very clearly, before you. Consciously walk into
new social circles that exemplify all you want for yourself and you become a
higher value person. But root yourself in a social circle that simply mirrors
who you already are, and your personal limits stay fixed forever. I’m not
suggesting you should toss out all of your old friends, but consider taking a
look around you and making room for a more diverse social circle. It will
make all the difference.
Who Should You Want To Meet?
I have made traveling a priority in my life — sixty-seven countries so far and
counting. Quite a few times, I have been lucky enough to spend extended
periods of time in new and different locales, learning from different cultures
and meeting interesting people. It has given me ample time and
opportunities to practice what I preach. I have been forced to re-create my
social circles time and time again.
Whenever I arrive (clutching my laptop) in some faraway exotic destination
where I don’t know a single soul, I hold a clear image in my mind of the
specific kind of person I desire to meet. It will do no good at all to introduce
myself to some very shy, negative guy, for instance. Naturally, if I were single,
I’d focus on running into lovely and vivacious women. However, since I am
not, these days I tend toward smart, successful people, because I always
enjoy their conversation, and also, because I find the quest to lead a healthy
lifestyle compelling, I strive to meet people who share this passion.
Now, what about you? Take a moment to mull over the kind of people you
enjoy spending time with. Are they friends who mirror you too closely? If so,
imagine who, in your wildest dreams, you want to be. Think of traits that
might scare you, but also entice you. Once you have a few of those traits in
mind (and be specific!) start to think about where you might encounter
people who embody the traits you desire. For instance, if you are single and
you are interested in dating someone who leads a healthy lifestyle, try the
new Raw Café at your gym and maybe you’ll meet your Vegan Queen, or
drop yourself down on the floor next to an attractive person in a yoga class.
Remember though, don’t limit yourself to making only romantic connections.
It’s likely your new vegan yoga girl pal will know guys matching your desires
and, moreover, has her finger on the pulse of social events and hot spots
that you should frequent. It’s an all too common omission — to pass up the
opportunity to make new friends whose social circles might then become
your setting for meeting an ideal romantic partner. Don’t make that mistake.
Active Social Circle Creation
I challenge you to consciously go out and create your social group by
choosing the people who put you in the best mood and who stimulate your
mind in a way that endorses your desires and urges you on toward
betterment. These are people you are happy to do kind and helpful deeds
for, and who in turn do whatever they can to help you, with no jealousy or
competitiveness at all. At this point you should be able to recognize those
friends you have currently who are holding you back. You should also have
specific traits in mind that you are seeking in new acquaintances who will
hopefully become fast friends as well.
Next we are going to get into the different ways and places in which we can
apply Active Social Circle Creation:
Where to Meet New People?
We can group all our activities or opportunities to meet interesting people
into three categories.
1. Warm
2. Repeating
3. Cold
A Warm situation means any congenial place where social interaction is
actively expected, where you’ll have some common connection to the
people you’ll meet. Thanks to social protocol, in this milieu a rude
response or rejection of our friendly approach is very unlikely. It’s where
and how most friends meet, and thankfully, where most relationships start.
The Repeating situation involves interesting people whom you often see
but don’t really know. Say, the brunette on reception at an office you keep
visiting, or a svelte personal trainer pushing her clients in your gym; or
maybe your neighbour, checking his phone at the gate.
But the Cold situation – in dramatic contrast, that’s a much less
predictable sphere to attempt meeting folks. Try, just try speaking to a
stranger on public transport, in the street, or a coffee shop — they
immediately think you’re some weirdo and feel they have no social
obligation to be friendly. It is, however, one of my favourite ways to meet
people.
Clicking With People in Warm Situations
When you meet people in Warm situations, nothing could be easier than to
launch a first conversation. The genuine commonality between you is what
rates the situation as warm. Say it’s a house party, right away you can ask
how they know the birthday girl. Or you’re both at a conference wearing
name tags, so you can ask what they thought of the last speaker. Once the
initial ice is broken, the conversation should flow easily. After that pleasant
chat, you can then ask questions that help reveal information that’s useful if
you want to see this person again: do they live around here? What are their
interests? At this point you are looking for a hook, something you can grasp
onto as a reason for seeing them again or taking their contact details.
Repeating Situations
Repeating Situations
The good thing about seeing someone over and over in a repeating situation
is that it’s really easy to get closer to them little by little — no need to rush it
all at once. Someone we see regularly at our CrossFit class, for instance: the
first time you see them you might say nothing; the next time, you realize that
you are most likely going to see them regularly and so you nod; next time it’s
“Hi”’ then it’s, “Back for more punishment, are you?” while introducing
yourself and getting their name. A longer conversation is for next time and it
should start with the commonality of CrossFit. Asking why they go, or what
goals they’re working toward, and then transition smoothly to bridge the gap
to the outside world, what work they do, and so on. Start by asking what
they did over the weekend, find some common interests – food, cocktails,
sports, and then it’ll be very easy to casually invite them along for something.
That, then, is how you reach the point when you realize with satisfaction that
your interaction is moving towards full potential.
Cold Situations
The big misconception about encountering people in a cold situation is that
everyone assumes it’s always about dating. I see these situations differently.
The most significant gift of these cold situations is that you have the
opportunity to make true and deep connections with people who are
absolutely nothing like you. I have actually met many lifelong friends in these
types of situations. The funny guy or gal I sat alongside in a tapas bar, or
started talking to in a winding airport queue. The most valuable aspect of
cold situations is that we are bound to meet people very different to our old,
comfortable acquaintances. Very likely, we socialize with mates similar to us
in age, income, profession, and education. So, if we work in banking then
we’re unfortunately less likely to have mates who are make-up artists, chefs,
or busy doctors. In cold situations, you have the chance of meeting
absolutely anyone, which for me makes it much more stimulating. It starts out
as a kind of chaotic jumble where, when the dust finally settles, you realize
you’ve emerged with a great new varied social circle of wholly different
human beings.
Don’t Fear The Friend Zone
People think that being in the friend zone is a terrible thing. I’d argue that it’s
a great place to be, and even more – that you should actively aim to put
people in your friend zone. Very simply speaking we can agree on a few
truths:
It’s easier to make friends with someone than to get into a serious
relationship with them. Think about the numbers – people usually
have more friends than serious relationships at any given time.
Most relationships happen between people who were socially
connected in a non-dating context.
There – I hope that I’ve now sold you on the amorous benefits of the friend
zone. But how do you make the friend zone work for you?
Putting People You Like in “The Friend Zone”
Swapping a love opportunity for a friend opportunity might sound counterintuitive, but then things that work well often are. Just reflect on it: when you
bump into someone really hot, you can go down the dating route – meeting
them one-on-one for drinks, or a funfair or a film. If this push towards
perfection works out, it works out — fine. But if it doesn’t, then you’ll never
see this person again, and what a stupid waste of social capital and energy
that would be.
Much better, then, to take this person firmly out of the end zone and into
your friend zone. Because there’s something you really like about this
person, or in fact, there are many things. Qualities that are similar or
unrelated to yours, interests that harmonize with or expand your own. It’s
very clear that this alluring person would likely make a good friend too. Also
(who can help thinking it?) a good lover — but that’s less likely and we don’t
need to rush there right away. But immediately, four obvious benefits shine
out:
1.
You step right into this person’s social circle. Become his friend, and
you will meet his friends. And of course if you like him, these friends
of his will probably have something you like too and you’ll develop all
your own bonds, memories, private jokes together. As you see it’s a
strong multiplier effect that draws you in more intimates,
connections, social advantages, and wider romantic prospects. Yes,
over time the “slow game” really rewards you exponentially.
2.
The most powerful force in any romance will be working for you:
time. People generally fall for each other when they are exposed to
each other over a steady time period. While, in contrast, on a speed
date or in a music venue or even on a polite first date, it’s very hard
for you to convey to each other just who you really are and what you
want. Notice the difference when the pair of you just hang out
together over time: you each get the chance to perceive something
closer to your true selves, and most important, you get to relax,
showing yourselves in the best possible light on a sunny afternoon.
3.
Time is also a huge help if you or your desired one happens currently
to be involved with someone else. Just enter their social circle either
directly with them or with their friends — you still get to spend time
with them and learn all about them so that later, when you both are
single…who knows? Accept that the high quality, desirable people
are always in demand and that naturally the lucky break of catching
them single will not happen that often. It makes a lot of sense, then,
not to just disregard them – instead, actively bring them into your
social circle.
4.
To proceed at a slow-burn pace is just plain easier. Going
immediately from a stranger to a lover is a pretty hard challenge.
That the admired one will be available, in the right mood, and fully
open to romantic possibilities — that’s a tall order. So creating the
first friendly conversation, then keeping in touch, and drawing them
gracefully into your social circle is an easier and finer art – and
ultimately more seductive.
The Importance of Disqualifying Yourself
When you are being sociable, sometimes people might get the wrong end
of the stick and think you are hitting on them. You can deal with this by
disqualifying yourself, show them that they’re not your romantic target.
Bring up your girlfriend or boyfriend – real or imagined — saying anything
from “Oh I like your scarf, my girlfriend has one really similar” to “Yes I was
just talking about that with my boyfriend”. Or else you might disqualify
yourself by talking about dates you’ve had, or are running off to shortly, for
of course this is something we absolutely wouldn’t mention if we were
looking at them with a romantic eye.
What Do People Want?
Whenever you interact with other people, it’s of the utmost importance not
to be selfish. Give people what they want, and they will enjoy spending time
with you, and thus you gain the power to make friends with anyone. The
benefits of this? Continual opportunities that afford you better options for
dating and an expansive social life. You’ll become that guy that other people
carelessly mistake for “just lucky”. But you and I know that it’s much more
than plain luck. The urgent commandments of the best-selling book “The
Luck Factor” by Brian Tracy are, always say yes to social opportunities, meet
loads of people, and keep your ears firmly open. Tracy and I have similar
views of how to broaden one’s worldview and be open to receive
opportunities as they come. If you close yourself off to new experiences and
new people, and refuse to learn how to interact well with others and give
them what they want, then the chances of “luck” falling into your lap are very,
very low. However, if you follow Tracy’s advice and mine, you’ll never mistake
an opportunity for just luck again.
People love to feel good, to feel understood, to be interested. It’s amazing
how hard it is for us to know how to give people these seemingly simple
things. Most of us can count the number of truly close friends on one hand,
those who make us feel our worth and recognize our nature, and really know
us. Beyond that, our wider social circle is very far from ideal, but we still
choose it over seeking out new faces across the room, because not only do
choose it over seeking out new faces across the room, because not only do
WE not know how to give other people what they want, other people fail us
as well. We know that if we cross the room to try and make a new
connection, most likely, that new person will not be able to give us what we
want.
It’s a strange state of affairs. In fact, we all know what we want but we just
can’t figure out how to satisfy the desires of others. It’s there in the dreary
tales of boring guys on dates who talk “me, me, me”; or in people who, even
if they were up parachuting, would still scroll through Instagram and ignore
the flying human beings beside them; or else the constant complainer. We
all know social liabilities like these, and we see them sometimes in our mirror
in the morning!
I’m here to tell you that it does not need to be this way. By the end of this
book, you will know how to give people what they want in a way that will
make YOU the most popular person in the room. Once you learn how to win
people over, you’ll realize that it helps them meet your needs as well. You will
be the example, the one everyone tries to emulate in order to make true,
deep connections and to tune into what life is attempting to offer you – only
now, you will no longer be blind to its handouts.
To Feel Good
Feeling good involves your speaking about positive things more than
negative ones. Sometimes, of course, a conversation moves inevitably
toward negativity. Say you both meet standing by the salsa at a lame house
party – you now have a choice to make: Either you can both connect over
what a drag the whole thing is and wallow in that negativity, or you can joke
about it and turn an otherwise negative experience into a positive encounter.
You might ask an innocent conversational question that quickly slides down
into a very negative zone. Has she got any brothers or sisters? Well, she did
— her brother died. Since you’ve just met her, you don’t want to dwell on this.
You say, “Sorry to hear that” and move to a more optimistic subject, or just
any another subject! For whenever someone laughs and feels relaxed with
you, and tells you about the things that excite them, they will take home a
positive impression of the conversation. Positivity dominates and dictates
their feelings about seeing you again, and so you must aim to answer this
simple but decisive question: “I had an impact on this person’s mood. Was
the impact positive?”
A Sense of Understanding and Connection
The profound dynamic that actually brings us closest to people is, of course,
understanding. We all have our Happy Friend, who makes us feel good.
Someone lively and convivial, positive and outgoing, who arrives bringing
great fun to our parties and social gatherings. However, when we really need
a good head to talk to about an important, far-reaching matter or when we
must have serious advice, we probably wouldn’t choose Happy Friend. We
select someone who understands us, and deeply. Understanding, for our
purposes, is that they have the ability to see your perspective in all its sweep
and depth and not to block it with their own viewpoint.
Let’s say someone tells you excitedly that they are going to jettison their
solid job and go off to work as a volunteer in an elephant sanctuary in
Thailand for a month. Here are two possible responses — which one would
you more likely make?
“Say it ain’t so! That’s so far away, and it’s not exactly going to be a Five
Star environment, it’ll probably stink incredibly what with all those
elephants and the circling insects and sweltering heat... Are you sure
you shouldn’t just take a break somewhere a shade more normal?”
“You won’t catch me joining you, but I know your passion for animals
and I can see an incredible break away like that will help you think
things through, you’ll come back with such fresh energy and ideas.
Great decision, how’d you come up with that one?”
That first response, clearly, is not one that people who are authentically
close to us would give. There’s no understanding in it. Instead they just
automatically judge your opportunity from their own perspective. “How
would I feel in this exact situation?” is their only reference point, where they
either would or wouldn’t like it; where they personally get it or they don’t. It’s
what most people in our lives do: they just run your new situation through
their own subjective filters. Whereas the second response comes from
someone who is also generally negative on the idea, but understands us.
That means that they run the information through the superior filter of their
knowledge about us, without relating it to their own self-centered view.
Therefore these people will consistently give us better advice, because they
listen to us directly so that they really get it and get us, and so in fact are
better all-round to talk to about any decision.
It’s usually only after many months that we achieve this point of connection
with a new acquaintance, and sometimes never at all. Even legions of
husbands and wives still don’t grasp the allure of one another’s work or
hobbies — why on earth do they like whatever, so much? But it’s not
important to agree or to share a feeling, it’s important to understand it.
Sometimes after months or years of hearing about or witnessing an intense
interest, we do finally “get it” and communicate it back: “Ahhh, now I get why
you love whatever, so much”. And now we see what makes these rare
people special in our life and it’s quite simple. So simple, in fact, that you
can consciously implement this deeper reaction to connect powerfully within
thirty minutes of meeting and talking to anyone at all. This skill will put you
within the select group in that person’s life – usually only a few family
members or the friends they count on five fingers. Just consider how many
such people you have in your own life – people that truly understand you.
To Be Entertained
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that being interesting is just as simple as
telling interesting stories. Not too many of us have at our command such a
superb stock of stories that they can hold the attention of a crowd
indefinitely. In most cases, tales of our lives or the lives of our friends don’t
fascinate the strangers we encounter. So leaning against the bar and telling
them that you loved your recent trip to Istanbul is not going to automatically
impact on their psyches. It’s well-known that talking about yourself is one of
the worst things you can do. We enjoy talking about ourselves and our
experiences to people we know well, where “How was work, Honey?” or,
“So what’s new in your life?” crop up as the usual vague and average
questions. The people asking usually do want to know what is happening in
our life, but strangers do not. And no, acquaintances don’t, either.
Infinitely more interesting than talking about yourself is to communicate over
issues of broader, general interest. News just breaking, the more striking
celebrities, politics, new dogmas of lifestyle, or the city that you’re both
standing in. Stuff that opens your “opinions stopcock” and theirs too, so that
you can both share the mic, so to speak, in a mutually engrossing way.
Most interesting of all for the person facing you is to talk about things
directly related to them. So just imagine this new scenario – there are some
words coming out of your mouth, but they are not about you and you’re not
asking questions, either. Weird, isn’t it? So what are these unknown words
accomplishing? Well, they are making empathetic statements and
comments on the other person’s nearest concerns. We all love speaking
about ourselves, which is partly why talking to a therapist is so therapeutic.
Positivity and Optimism
I’m sure we all agree that positive people are much better company than
negative people — although I’d add the caveat that people who are too
perennially positive do worry me! There’s a right time for negativity; but it’s
just agreeable when someone generally views things in an upbeat way and
zooms in on the positive, not the negative. As Milton Erickson wisely
observed, when you are in a garden you can appreciate the flowers or just
focus on the weeds. Though when there are only weeds then it’s just fine,
and very human to acknowledge the negative, creating a social sense of
release in stating the truth.
Happy people are more positive people. I’m a much more positive person
now than I ever used to be. Because I love the friends gathered around me,
and because of the happy life that I’m living by the moment and the year, it
now comes naturally to me to be fully positive. And that’s your future I’m
describing, too. For, as you use these techniques to exhilarate your
circumstances, I guarantee that you, too, will become more positive.
Here’s a little technique you can use right away to seem more positive to
others and make a better impression. At the same time, it’s a technique that
also positively affects you, yourself, orienting your brain in a more optimistic
direction.
First, stop and think about the language you use – become more aware of its
effects. Now, you’ve probably heard the fact that our subconscious brain
doesn’t really understand negation. Here’s a good example: If I order you not
to imagine what an alien spaceship might look like, nonetheless your mind
will probably still fleetingly generate a picture of a UFO. Good! Now all you
need to do is make this mental disobedience work to your advantage –
extend its effects.
First, you know that, generally, with negative vocabulary or voicing negative
associations to another person, you negatively affect their mood – for
example, “wow, you are so unlucky!”. Then, you take a better option for
phrasing this. Rephrase it to express the same meaning,: “Yes, you are not
the luckiest person on earth.”
You are saying that the person is unlucky but their brain only hears “luckiest
person on earth”. So while your sentence is negative, crucially it doesn’t
deliver any subconscious pain, just positivity. Contrast this with saying, “Well
I wouldn’t say you’re a huge loser, just unlucky”, which the mind edits and
hears as, “you’re a huge loser”.
Here are more examples of negative statements, rephrased to subliminally
deliver positive emotions.
“You haven’t won a match in a while, it’s true”. When a tennis player
gets depressed about losing their recent matches, you focus on the
positive word, you start using and reinforcing the word ‘win’.
“We didn’t succeed this time, but now at least we know what to do
better next time”. Compare with “Okay we’ve failed again, we better
not mess up next time”.
I was very struck when I read Richard Bandler’s advice that if you should
suddenly be in a car accident where you’ve lost control, it’s vital you focus
on where you want to go, not on the obstacle to avoid. For when people
focus on the looming tree, the other car speeding at them or the post racing
toward them, invariably they end up smashing right into it. Now, there is an
exact parallel where you need to avoid that same car crash in your mind.
Focus on avoidance – because negative phrasing, where you are not going
bankrupt, not failing, not getting dumped is a terrible, self-destroying mindset. Really look closely to check if you are phrasing your life in these negative
terms. For instance, here are some common examples:
Your child is walking on ice and you shout, “Don’t slip over Charlie!”
Slipping instantly becomes Charlie’s focus, and he probably does
slip. You need to tell people how to act instead of how not to act:
“Keep your balance Charlie, step carefully”.
“When do you go back to work?” focuses on the negative, so
substitute the positive: “How many more days of holiday do you
have?”
I hear corner men in boxing or MMA shouting urgently, “don’t let him
hit you with the right” or “he keeps landing the jab!” and “don’t just
stand there!” Their commands are reinforcing the negatives in the
moment. For the Fighter’s battered brain heard “just stand there”,
and so he’ll likely do just that. I always want to coach that coach,
make them shout, “Move around more, stay light on your feet”,
“Counter his right and come back with a right of your own with a
high kick!” Don’t focus your contender’s subconscious on the wrong
move. Instead, shout what he should positively do to win.
Ever heard “Don’t give up!” when someone’s close to accomplishing
a feat? Contrast it with “Stay strong until the end! You can do it!”
Which would you rather have to encourage you?
Pay close attention to your choice of language. Changing it won’t happen
overnight, but first you can catch yourself, and think about what you should
have said, and then slowly it will become second nature.
MISSION
Carefully monitor the language you use with others. Practice these 3
techniques:
1. Take a string of negative statements like “it was a bad
performance” and rephrase them all to negate the positive: “it
wasn’t the greatest performance”.
2. Focus on urging the positive action, not the negative, whenever
possible: “Keep going, nearly there!”
3. Consciously avoid mentioning the unwanted action, e.g. “Don’t
drop it whatever you do!” and rephrase as, “Hold it firmly! You’ve
got it!”
PART TWO:
FINDING THE ONE
CHAPTER 5:
Determining What You Are Looking For
Now that you know how to draw people to you, make friends and be seen as
desirable, you’re perfectly poised to meet the one — your romantic soulmate.
If you have already met her, gradually turn up the intensity toward a romantic
or sensual liaison.
If you haven’t yet met the person you would like to pursue romantically, then
it’s an urgent prerequisite that you search inside yourself and discover – and
fine-tune — exactly what you’re looking for in a mate. The current divorce rate
stats are not encouraging. Perhaps we would all benefit from putting more
analytical thought into relationships up front, or as I suggest, before you even
meet someone.
It’s time to face the truth that most couples break up for reasons that were
already apparent to them before the relationship got serious. “Oh, it’ll be
okay once we get married and have kids,” they say, glossing over serious
drawbacks, sometimes even putting off living together until after the big day.
But once they’ve signed that register and legally attached themselves, the
rational part of the brain seems to take a back seat. By the time they’re
“with” someone, generally that’s too late to start thinking the relationship
through logically. Far better to make a prior evaluation that’s the best
possible, as early as possible. Therefore, let’s now start that process right
possible, as early as possible. Therefore, let’s now start that process right
away.
Ask yourself, and keep in mind, exactly what you are looking for in a
soulmate. This exercise allows you to be somewhat logical and not just
emotional; and if it transpires that you make a mistake, you’ll consciously
know that right from the beginning.
You need to sit down and write a short list of around 10 things that you want
and need in your ideal partner. When I’ve set guys this task before, often as
many as 8 out of 10 demands turn out to be physical ones! But no, forget
the physical or the visual just at the moment. It’s imperative that your list
contains virtues that aren’t immediately apparent. If looks are an important
factor for you, then your decision on that front is usually a yes/no decision
made in seconds. This list should consist of things you need to find out
about him or her – to discover about his or her character, lifestyle,
personality, and qualities. Here’s an example – it’s the list I used for myself:
honest
caring
from a good family
intelligent
driven
decisive
sporty
likes animals and children
ready to be serious
spontaneous
doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink heavily
well-mannered
Again, this is my list, so please compile your own now, taking just a few
minutes to deliberate on each point. Reflect on whether or not your last love
had each merit; and whether or not each specific quality actually is essential
for you. This process completed, now you have internalized a clear picture of
the person you plan to find. “Find” being the operative word – you’re not to
just sit at home dreamily and meditate on this list until your ideal being
“teleports” onto your doorstep one night – no, some very practical dynamics
make this list a powerful launch pad:
Now you know exactly who you want and need, you won’t make
stupid choices based on loneliness or needing someone, anyone at
that particular moment.
You won’t give away all your emotions at once and fall deeply in love
if it’s clear that person is wrong for you. This steels you against the
heartbreak of falling for the wrong person for the usual illogical
reasons ... don’t worry, the whole world needs to hold up its hands
on that one!
When you do fall into conversations with potential mates, you’ll be a
lot more engaging because you’ll actually be very interested in
securing answers to the question, do they meet my criteria?
You’ll project much more allure on dates, since instead of fronting the
“I already like you” vibe, you will be subconsciously communicating
that you’re choosey, you pick with high standards. This is one of the
assets that bump up your attractiveness a few notches.
Not only is such a list essential for seeking an appropriate partner, you can
also apply it to qualities you desire in friends and other companions. Let’s
take a good example: here we are, we know exactly what we’re looking for,
and we encounter three people. One we could think of as a cool
“accomplice” – he’s fun, he’s positive, he’s great-to-getdrunk-and-sky-diveon-land-with, great to keep a straight face with on a double date. Then, with
on-land-with, great to keep a straight face with on a double date. Then, with
a second person we meet, we know they’ll be great to find at night and just
flop down and discuss the world — serious and stimulating conversations,
because we see they share our outlook and they’re empathetic. And finally,
the third person is someone we can see ourselves dating.
When I was single and yearned to the moon to meet my dream girl, I still
kept my mind open to meeting loads of new friends, guys and women alike.
The curious result was, I ended up getting most of my dates with people I
met because I knew other people. Learn the rule: romantic opportunities
come indirectly from being very generally sociable, more often than from
directly searching for the particular person of your dreams.
How To Approach and How To Be Approached
Men: How to Approach
Men, you have to understand that there’s no way to avoid it. Without the
fundamental skill of walking up and approaching a woman who attracts you,
you just won’t attain a pleasurable love life. The weight of that occasion sits
firmly on you, me, and all men. For even the coolest, most ripped guy will
rarely get approached by a female – all he’ll get is just a little more help in
the way of her eye contact and flickering smiles. And yes, going over to talk
to her is extremely scary, heart-racing stuff; I’ve seen the knees of plenty of
military veterans and CEOs of big companies tremble when faced with
walking up to a lovely woman. Given all those pressures, the first part of
approaching her is mental preparation: the walk forward that takes place first
in your head.
1.
Make your true goal making her day go better. When you approach
your woman and it turns out that she isn’t interested or has a
boyfriend, do be ready with a very positive final line: “Okay, and you
look fantastic by the way, so have a great day, bye now” or “Sure, I
hear you — so goodbye then, and really, you do have incredible
style.” Always leave her in a better mood than she was before you
walked up to her. That’s your big psychological advantage, for when
you know that, if worst comes to worst, you’ll at least put a smile on
a woman’s face, that makes it so much easier to begin.
2.
Don’t – do not — have a big goal. Big goals drive you forward in
business, but when it comes to dating they just get in your way and
clog up your brain. If you do get sweatily nervous when approaching
women, my advice is, don’t make it about getting a date after months
of arid solitude; don’t make the moment about finding a great
girlfriend. You’re just starting up a conversation — convince yourself.
Only much later will it ‘click’ for you, exactly whether this person has
the qualities you are looking for in an actual lover. Meantime, your
focusing just on this exact moment helps you a whole lot. It takes the
pressure off. So, chill! There’s a lot more to this love racket than
there seems, so the odds are she won’t be compatible with you
anyway. Yes or no? You’ll only know after you walk up and talk to
her.
3.
Or do you prefer to picture what will happen if you don’t go and talk
to her? To cringe and remember all those times you lost a great
opportunity to approach a hot woman? She was just standing there,
maybe even making eye contact with you, non-verbally begging you
to come and say hello, but no — you wussed out. You want to go for
that feeling again? You liked that? No, then get your legs moving
and get over there!
4.
Always have something ready to say. Have it rehearsed before you
even see any hot woman. Keep those lines right at the front of your
head. Because you know very well that not having something to say
is the biggest excuse guys like you give for never approaching.
Remember, women hate the idea of men being unnatural, so if you
have ready an instant way to start a conversation, then even if your
mind goes blank, your feet still start moving towards her because
you always have that instant strategy to fall back on. It doesn’t have
to be high wit, just the casual approach — “Don’t I know you from my
yoga class?” or even the frank approach: “You know, I just saw you
and I know I’ll regret it if I don’t come up and say, “Hi, my name’s …”
Women: How to Get Yourself Approached More
All you women – and I’d bet big on this – most of you aren’t exactly ready to
walk across that room and approach the man. Call me quaint but I, also,
think that should be the man’s job. Search your inner desires and you’ll soon
see that the qualities you probably want in him – confidence and
decisiveness, for example, would be expressed just by his having the guts to
come over with his drink and talking to you. So we’re agreed, then: you will
not be approaching guys. However, you’re going to do everything we can
devise to make them approach you. As I’ve moved around traveling through
sixty-seven countries I’ve met a great many women, and trained thousands of
guys and women on exactly these strategies. So take my advice and you will
have crowds more guys approaching you than in your less successful past.
1.
Choose a great place in your bar. Stand in the high traffic area, or
right at the bar, because this allows any guy who feels drawn to you
to turn and connect when he is “just passing” or ordering his drink.
Stand facing the main traffic area – the guy can then get face to face
with you, and not have to come and tap you lamely on the back.
2.
In a coffee shop, your seat must face the door and, as every person
comes in, you glance up at them.
3.
Wear a definite smile. Smiling makes you so much more
approachable. I know it can be hard just standing there smiling
indiscriminately, so it’s much better if you take your friend along and
they start cracking you up and getting you in the mood.
4.
Go to the bathroom alone – this gives any guys the chance to
approach you or your friend on your own. Some guys are afraid of
approaching two women, or else they’re just too polite to bother you.
5.
What’s your rush? Always walk slowly. Don’t scurry along through
the noise of the bar, or down the street that the two of you share.
When you walk slowly, the guys have more time to notice you, time
to think what to say, to smile and stop you. But if you are walking
quickly at the outset, you shut the whole game down before it even
starts.
6.
Head up, chin up. No looking at the floor! Look about you at a
comfortable eye level, and the result? You win yourself the chance
to catch his passing eye. Keep a smile on your face at the same
time, and zap! You’ve now given yourself every possible advantage.
7.
Remember: help the guys out. Whether it’s a funny iPhone case or
interesting earrings, do carry something that he can comment on.
Since guys have the pressure of actually starting your conversation,
give them a very good prompt by signalling something commentworthy.
8.
Avoid your technology, don’t embrace it. Those big headphones you
wear while walking through the Artists Market only guarantee you
stay lonely for far longer. Naturally when you’re glued to your phone,
what guy won’t be afraid of “bothering” you? Softly, softly, then.
Stroll slowly with that head up and your smile glowing, and don’t
bend over your gadgets, then you’ll have guys moving in on you from
many directions.
And of course — on any day when you don’t want to meet guys, you can
consciously do the opposite of all this ;-)
How Can a Woman Start a Conversation With a Guy?
Ask for advice or help – that’s always a good way to begin. Get him to pass
you a napkin or straw at the bar, ask, “Do you know the Wi-Fi password
here?” If you’re with a friend, ask him charmingly to take your picture. Turn
away from the barista and ask a hot guy to hold your jacket for a second
while you carry the lattes to your mates, then come back, thank him: “How’s
your day going?” All these are effective ways for a woman to help a guy to
take his chance and get into a good conversation.
What if you like someone, and want to date them, but don’t think they would
be right for a long-term relationship? Well..
The Art of the Casual Relationship
Now that you know how to approach and be approached, let’s broach a
slightly different issue. So you’re not sure if you’re ready for “the one”. You
like someone, and want to date them, but don’t think they would be right for
a long-term relationship. The casual relationship might be what you need to
explore right now.
On your way to the perfect long-term relationship, inevitably you’ll gain some
experience that gives you a better understanding of what you ultimately want
in a lover. Look back at your past, and you’ll probably see an evolution and
clarification of your thoughts about who you really want in the long-term.
This also means that along the way we find ourselves in relationships that
aren’t quite right. Oh, maybe they’re right for a couple of weeks, months or
years, but for the very long-term they’re not what we need. So their end is
inescapable, and that can be a painful moment. We should all attempt to
limit other peoples’ pain, and it’s best that we become experienced in
approaching break-ups in ways that minimise any heartache for the other.
Here are some much needed humane skills to let your lover down gently,
rather than dumping them brutally:
Set their expectations early. If you’re not searching for something
serious generally, or with this person specifically, do let them know
before they have a chance to develop strong emotions. You needn’t
give them any reasons that are negative or that are specifically about
them – you simply say, this is just where I am in my life. With that,
your position should be logically justifiable and not unflattering.
If you aren’t looking for something serious right now, try never to hook
up with people who are. Oh come on, it’s really very easy to
distinguish someone who is into “just a bit of fun”, from someone
yearning for an affair that’s serious. Someone who’s lonely and lacks
social support would obviously be a terrible, hurtful choice for a
casual fling, so better for you to bypass those false turns in the road
entirely.
Don’t spend too much time together if you’re not serious. If you’re
meeting up every day, horsing around and doing a daily shop, you
become a big, comfortable part of their life, and then the break up
can feel like a brutal bereavement. Why not meet just once or twice
a week without much contact between times? That’ll be easier on
them in the end. Consider this carefully as you glide into an easy
relationship: if you’re not too serious, don’t step up the time you
spend with them, you’re only stepping up the ultimate harm.
Be careful and astute about the level of connection you share with
them. If you’re not going to stay with this person for years, then they
needn’t know all the intimate, personal details of your life. Don’t
share the impact of your saddest memories or most vivid
excitements, it’s tempting when these run off your tongue so
comfortably, but stop. Resist this responsibly or this person will
mistakenly feel very close, very connected to you.
Think about this person, really think about which self to show them. If
you show your best side and all your good points and try really hard
… you might make this person fall in love with you when you’re not
that interested. So resist the need to show off, to amass pleasing
approval and praise. Be a little less cool, a little less interesting when
you’re not fully into someone. Spare them all the heartache of falling
in love with what is, after all, an idealized version of yourself.
Remember, the psychology of break-ups works unevenly in a couple.
If we’re the one rejected and dumped, we feel the loss more acutely
and obsess about our vanished partner in wasted hours of genuine
grief. While, if we’re doing the dumping, we’re able to move on
much more fluently and easily. That’s why it’s always better if the
relationship fizzles out naturally by mutual consent; or if you
deliberately cause yourself to be dumped. That, of course, means
tossing aside your ego for a moment, but if you don’t want to leave a
global footprint of broken hearts, then it’s the unselfish way to go.
You’ll find, too, that when you don’t show your absolute best side
and when you choose people whose rich social life means they
won’t be clingy, then they don’t become too fatally attached to you.
If, on reading this, you realize you’ve unconsciously behaved less than
perfectly in the past, then that’s just what it is: the past. Just be aware that,
from now on, you have strong skills to prevent unnecessary pain.
CHAPTER 6:
How To Have Great First Dates
The broadest goal of this book is to get you meeting great new people, and
one of the most stressful of the new “people frontiers” to cross can be the
first date — particularly if you don’t happen to go on too many. You know,
often the success of a first date is just pure chance; it might go swimmingly
or it might go gruesomely. Thankfully, by now you do know how to avoid an
absolute nightmare first date, since we’ve already dealt with how to steer the
conversation and escape any tomb-like silences. But there are other specific
tactics that you’ll find invaluable.
Take the Focus Off the Human Encounter
Imagine you’re trapped in a room with neon white walls and two straight
chairs parked facing each other. You have absolutely nothing to focus on but
the eyes of the other person, which are like an interrogator’s. Right, well then
— your conversation and connection had better click pretty quickly, or else
this proto-romance will turn into a nerve-wracking nightmare. Now, no one
thinks they choose an interrogation room for a first date, but they often
choose quiet, boring places, assuming that they’re ideal places to really talk.
That’s fine if you’re superbly confident things will go well, but if not, then
consider these practical pre-sets to the scene.
Break the staring-contest: sit side-by side or at 90 degrees to each
other. Doing this means that if there’s any lag in the conversation
you can just take a look around the room, take a sip, and then come
back to it with an added sense of leisure. And because you can both
easily look in the same direction, you can also point out things on
view, so it’s a conversation-starter.
Don’t just talk, do something, and something rare. In my single days I
invited women for all kinds of activities — it‘s a great way to ensure
you’ll have fun regardless, and they probably will too. That way, in
her eyes, all her positive emotions released by a fun activity were
attached to me, and so we got to chat on in a relaxed way with the
distraction of a new, unique adventure. What kind of activities? Well,
horse-riding, painting, climbing, spa, paintball, knife throwing (!),
archery, dancing, zorbing, wine-tasting, art galleries, cooking. And
many more. Sometimes this stuff’s not the best for a first date, but
often it’s a nice thing to throw out there because if the activity’s
attractive, it can secure a date because it’s more intriguing than the
usual “let’s-go-forcoffee/grab-some-drinks”.
Group other people around you both. He can bring a friend or two
and so can you, and you can all go somewhere together. A group’s a
lot easier to accept an invite to, it takes the pressure off, and it also
gives you a subtle chance to assess who they hang out with.
Give Yourself an Easy-Out
We’ve all seen those TV shows where the heroine has a friend on tap to call
her after 40 minutes as an escape-hatch from a terrible blind date. But if
you’re not sure how your date’s going to go, much better (and less obvious)
is to have a time-constraint built in – for example, why not a lunch date on a
working day? If the first date is going badly, it’ll be good to end it, and if it’s
going well, it’s actually great to leave the other person wanting more, so
dates with a built in constraint are great either way.
Focus on Getting the Three Seductive Phases Right
Yes, an effective and fun first date needs to go through a few very distinct
phases. Your first job is to get over your initial discomfort together and
enjoy a basic chat, a kind of post-introduction-introduction. Usually this takes
the form of “what have you been up to?” types of conversation. Here it’s
possible to find out some new information that you can go deeper into later,
but mainly this phase is just to relax and acclimatize. If you can crack a few
jokes, even better. The risk is that you stay in this phase too long and it’s just
a very mundane and boring conversation, in which case they wouldn’t want
to see you for another date. To avoid this, after five minutes or so, you need
to shift to phase two.
In phase two, you need to connect really well and find some concrete or
even intangible reasons for liking each other. Using the conversation skills
we have already covered to go deeper and really get to know them. If you
feel that it’s getting too serious, you can always take it back to the surface
and turn things superficial, jokey or playful for a while. The risk now is that
you connect but don’t generate attraction, putting you firmly in the friend
zone. This means we need phase three.
Introducing some sexual tension is phase three, so that this definitely feels
very much like a date you’re on, and not just acquaintances hanging out with
their elbows on the table. In short we need to make the other person feel
something by creating what I like to think of as a “seductive bubble” around
you both. It’s a huge area and a lot of fun, so we’ll get into that right now.
We will go into how to be seductive and attractive in all kinds of situations
and you can take what you learn and apply it in the third phase of a first date.
CHAPTER 7:
The Secret Seduction Sauce
If you always end up in the friend zone without intending to, or often get told,
“You’re sweet!” or if you clinch first dates but not many second ones, then
possibly you’re missing some simple ingredients of the Secret Seduction
Sauce. For sure, we all know there’s a marked difference in the behaviour
needed for someone we’re friends with and for someone we long for
romantically – awareness in itself is not the obstacle. The problem is that
when most people update their actions to amorous, they change them in
dumb ways that make them much less attractive. You know, stuff we’ve all
been guilty of like:
Texting too often and too much.
Asking what the other person is doing all the time.
Being always available to meet whenever the person is free.
Saying how you feel way too soon.
Assuming you are in a relationship too soon.
Being super jealous before the two of you are “official”.
Putting out pictures of you both together on social media before the
other person wants it.
Shall I go on? No, you get the idea.
It’s definitely not those things we need to do, but here are some alternative
behaviors that will effectively bridge that gap for you between friend and
lover:
You present yourself as a high value person.
You show confidence in yourself, your opinions and your beliefs.
You let them know that you have high standards.
You flirt and you’re playful.
You reveal a sexual side to your character.
Now let’s examine each of these behaviors in real detail and learn how
they’re done.
Displaying Yourself as a High Value Person
Whether you’re a man or a woman, you are inevitably more attractive if you
radiate high value. The undoubted distinction of high value means that you
project some fine quality that has, say, won a major CEO his position. The
practical, visible proof of this? That you lead an active, dynamic life,
absorbed with work that you have a passionate vocation for, or with interests
you find fascinating and activities you prize, or with people whose company
enriches your moments and your years. In this stimulating, maelstrom of
living, the high value individual somehow conveys that, while a relationship
with a great person is a nice bonus, it’s not the central goal of their life.
Since the crucial attribute of a high value person is valuable activity, then it
follows that when we’re asked what we’re about to do or have been doing,
our answer must never be, “not much”. Women in particular are more
attractive when they embody this drive.
When you’re still in the early stages, meaning your first, second or third date,
it’s important to present more of a challenge to your companion. I really don’t
agree with rules like “only reply to his second text” or “wait two hours before
responding”. That stuff is just silly, because it’s quite obvious to others when
someone is “playing” high value – so much better just to have it. It’s much
someone is “playing” high value – so much better just to have it. It’s much
more effective just to be busy, for real. Then, when you do text back, you say
you didn’t reply earlier because you were sweating it at the gym, or stuck in
an impromptu meeting, at a street fair, or on some domestic flight. The
activities of your life are your rock in the stream — make your new
acquaintance flow around them. If you are busy and have a lot going on, you
make that clear, and then when you are free, let them know.
Oh, and feel very free to mention other dates you‘ve been out on – but only if
they really happened. Your remark could go, “Yes, I went out a couple of
times last week. I’m very loyal and I never cheat in a relationship, but when
I’m not in a relationship, I think it’s great to meet loads of people and
maximize my chances of meeting someone magical”. Your taking this view is
reasonable and logical and moreover, very honest, so mentioning it can only
be a plus for you. The risk of potential competition will only build your
attractiveness. Just make sure that any stories you tell are true. Don’t make
up the anecdote – always live it for real.
Show Full Confidence in Yourself, Your Opinions and Beliefs
Wishy-washy attitudes are way less charismatic than ideas that ring out with
substance and force — even if we don’t share those ideas! Remember, too,
how very attractive intelligence is, especially when you produce a clever view
on some aspect of the living moment, which may even powerfully alter your
companion’s own opinion. Your clever observation can focus on virtually
anything: from movies, to religion, to the economy, to politics — yes, politics!
And religion too! I mean, you are going to thrash out these sensitive subjects
sooner or later if this person draws closer to you. You’re with a potential
romantic partner, so why not get the big stuff out of the way? Because if you
have any “deal-breaker” obstacles like religious or political beliefs (or rock
bands you’re allergic to), best to get them out in the open right now.
Beware though, this face-off only works if you conduct yourself correctly.
There must be no raising your voice, no gradual slipping from discussion into
heated argument territory. Keep very cool. Listen fully, and do not interrupt.
Be ready and modest enough to change your mind if they make a strong
enough point. And if things do begin to be heated, be verbally ready to stop
that, too: swiftly change the subject using, say, the classic “let’s agree to
disagree,” or cut in smiling with, “Oh, does this count as our first argument?
Quick, quick, let’s do a topic change: are you someone that gets stand-up
comedy?”
Let Them Know Right Away You Have High Standards
Don’t jump in and accept them too soon. For various (and mysterious)
reasons, both men and women are often guilty of seeing their new
acquaintance through a roseate lens and then they very quickly show them
that they’ve “passed” the test and are good enough to grow old with. But if
you just put yourself on the receiving end of that sudden, complete
acceptance, it feels very strange: you know your faults full well, but now
here’s this person handing you a blank approval cheque on every flaw in your
nature. But inevitably, later in the relationship, these flaws – yours and theirs
– erupt into view and are the cause for arguments and breaking up.
So, remember that list we made so deliberately in Chapter 5: Determining
What You are Looking For? That careful list of the lasting qualities we
need in our ideal and appropriate partner? Well this is the exact moment
when it comes into play. Pull out your list and take a look at it now, and you
should even study your list before and after each date you go on, until these
priorities become an indelible part of your longing. Each item, you’ll see, is
something vital to find out about this new contender. Some of the answers
will just reveal themselves easily: whether she smokes, if he drinks like a fish,
if she is fit and toned and healthy – this will all become clear naturally on the
early dates (or through a little less natural research on social media).
The other essentials are not so readily apparent and you’ll need to probe, to
craft some questions. Take, for example, your need that they like children.
You can simply ask, “Do you like kids?” — but it’s so much smoother to give
your question some lively context like, “I stopped by my sister’s the other day
and she’s got two little boys, oh, we had such a blast — it took me right back
to childhood. Do you have any kids like that close to you, how do kids fit in
your life, or how do you see them fitting?”
Coming on too strong is often a big worry, where casual allusions to
relationships and children are hastily smothered. But the problem then is we
could end up with a partner whose psyche is out of sync, one who won’t
want kids when we do, or isn’t ready to be serious when we are. So it’s best
that you present the issue early, but in a very matter of fact way and adding a
strong disclaimer, “Well yes I’ll be ready soon for kids, but not with most
women, it’d have to be exactly the right person by my side. You need to be
dead sure that what you have is the right situation to bring kids into”.
Disclaimers do it neatly: you show that you’re very selective and strong, but
you still get your question answered.
Flirt and Be Playful, Both Physically and Verbally
Of course we flirt around with our friends too, but with someone we are
seriously hot for, playful behaviour can raise their temperature too and
accelerate the chemistry. We all know those teasing, naughty moves or
words that stay fun and acceptable between friends but, in another situation,
can let loose the hidden feelings of the other.
Non-verbal tactics that work are diverse: try tickling, play-fighting, tossing
your napkin at them (or even a bit of food), hoisting them up (for the guys),
joke-testing their muscles … all these lively tricks create a quick moment of
physical intimacy while not being directly sexual. But choose your moment
wisely, for their success depends on the right situation and context. You
should be nice and comfortable with each other already before you try that.
Without doubt the most powerful non-verbal tool is eye contact. As a dating
coach, I’m often dealing with people who end up being lumped in the friend
zone and can’t create chemistry. Just as common, though, are people
(usually guys) who just can’t read ‘signs’ the other person is turned on. The
most common way interest is revealed is via eye contact. Just observe your
own eye contact for a bit. With a friend you don’t find attractive, it isn’t
steady and piercing in most cases. Then compare it to your eyes as a lover
in the early stages, where there’s a stack of attraction and lust. Now your eye
contact is firm, fixed intently on one eye – not that general, “looking at a spot
between the eyes” focus we throw out at friends – and it arrives along with a
slight smile or cheeky smirk.
Just by simply looking at someone differently we can provoke the same
feelings in them. It’s actually quite an active step to take but, crucially,
doesn’t involve the risk of saying, “Hey: we’ve been friends forever, but
actually I love you, I desperately want to be with you beyond anything else”.
No, those stock sayings, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained”, and “fortune
favours the brave”, should not rouse you to action in seduction. Be subtle
instead, and you’ll still gain all the answers that a verbalization would prompt,
but usually even more: and that’s because the response you will get is
unconscious, not conscious. For if you ask something verbally, it is
processed – it has to be consciously processed — by the other person’s
brain. But if by contrast you just look at them for one second in a certain
way, their response is instant, unconscious, automatic. It can’t lie or be
hidden.
CHAPTER 8:
Revealing Your Sexual Side
The knack of evolving from a friend into a romantic partner is to slowly turn
up the dial on your sexual side. You’re a brother or sister to them, that’s how
they see you to start with, so it’s tough for them to see your sexual
dimension. But still, you can make these people see you differently by
gradually “leaking” hints of your sexual dimension. How to do this?
Show interest in other men or women around you.
Being on our best behaviour when we like someone, we naturally
inhibit our natural instincts. There we are sitting with someone we
like, and it’s not a date yet — but even so, we don't talk about other
dates or people who attract us for fear they’ll think that we like
someone else. And so we chatter on, seen as just a cosy friend as
non-sexual as that bowl of olives on the bar. Totally wrong strategy.
One thing you should definitely do, up to the point where you’re
officially dating is, set yourself free to say someone else in the room
is gorgeous or that you find some celebrity white hot, or that there’s
some particular feature you find glowingly enticing in others.
Have sexually-themed conversations.
Talking sex is a pretty natural activity — until our best behaviour
mode starts to censor us. But it’s really fine once we’re fast friends
to ask, say, when they abandoned virginity and even if they’re
currently sleeping with anyone. Pursuing sexual topics at a slight
remove by remarking, “my friend says …” or “my mate had this
encounter where …” is an effective way to build a sexual
atmosphere indirectly.
But Don’t Forget To …
Finally, don’t forget not to change your behaviour in a lot of ways. Keep the
following things exactly as if your goal-person was just an accepted friend —
namely:
Don’t text too often!
Too much contact in your early stages looks decidedly clingy, and
clinginess is something women and men alike can raise to an art
form. Truly, less is more – more interest, that is. If you communicate
too little, that makes them think about you a lot. It’s a permanent win,
and you didn’t have to punch a single key.
Don’t always be free and available.
A busy person just dashing out to a gig, or paragliding, or a dance
lesson has a life brimming over with happenings — way more
attractive than some poor soul sitting flexing their remote, just
waiting and hoping for a date. Keep busy, keep up some rich and
high adrenaline activities that give you lots of interesting or unusual
things to recount when you do meet up again.
When and How to Get Physical
For Men:
The guy is the hero who needs to make the attempts, and he should go
ahead and make them — the only caveat is, he needs to be respectful. By all
means go for the kiss on the first date. By all means invite her to your
apartment to “watch a movie” or to co-chef an exotic (or chaotic) dinner.
Showing sexuality is vital for a man. The absolute key, though, is to handle all
her rejections like a man: like a gentleman, to be explicit. Remember, a
woman will reject you not because she doesn’t like you, but because so
early on it isn’t proper. Often she wants you just as much at that moment as
you want her.
Beyond this, to seduce and to be seductive you must learn to create sexual
tension. That’s as simple as developing the right vibe: intensifying the power
of your eye contact, then slowly turning physical touches into light caresses
when you feel that’s succeeding.
Be Honest to Generate Attraction
I’m not some goodie-goodie preaching that you should always be honest,
you should know that and either agree or not. If you don’t agree, I’m
probably not going to change your morals just like that. But luckily I have a
more compelling reason:
Honesty gets better, more lasting results.
Think it through in two stages: when we first euphorically like someone we
want to cry, “me too” all the time — everything they like, we vow we like.
Accurate? But then later when we’ve secured the relationship, we stop
“me too-ing” everything, and slowly, inevitably it shows we’re actually very
different from them. That’s the cue for real conflict, disillusionment and
even break-up. It’s so much more effective – and attractive — to be honest
upfront.
Imagine him asking if you go on lots of dates. Hmm what would the right
answer be? Well obviously you need to say “no, of course not”. But why?
It doesn’t sound honest, the person is unlikely to believe you … and if they
don’t fully believe you there, why would they trust you in anything else –
when you give them a compliment or say that you like them for example?
Much better to say “well sure, when I’m single I’ll go on lots of dates,
makes sense if you want to find someone you like. When I’m in a
relationship, obviously not”.
What if she asks if you are just interested in sex.
“No of course not”? Hmm, again, probably not quite right. How about
“Well sure I’d like to sleep with you, I’m a red-blooded male, but I’m also
getting to know you so I can see if I like other things about you as well as
the physical”.
If it’s logically defensible and true, you need to say it. This kind of honesty
is refreshing and attractive in the moment. Outside of that, the effects
reach far – when you say anything that might be doubted, the person can
look back and remember this bit of honesty and so trust you more readily.
So set yourself free to disagree and give contrary opinions, and to reveal a
truth that you might have previously thought wasn’t helpful in a dating
context. That shows your strength and it builds a more enduring attraction
than a thousand “me toos”.
The First Kiss
Lots of men struggle and sweat in this early stretch of the love race. They
know full well they need to make the first move but they’re either afraid to be
rejected or else just can’t figure out how to do it without a sudden, almost
Bungee-level leap or else – the biggest “aargh!” of all — asking solemnly,
“Can I kiss you?”
For many years it has been my mission to train guys to be better with
women. This “going-for-the-kiss”moment was one of the three cruelest
sticking points (along with cold-approaching and running out of things to
say), so I was forced, or inspired to develop lots of great advice.
Here’s how you start your successful attempt:
Create a seductive bubble around you both by slowing your pace.
Pay quiet attention to the “vibe” that you’re creating with her. You
need to build this kind of bubble reverie … but now, suddenly see
yourself speaking or gesturing very quickly or your eyes flittering
around, your rattle of nervous laughter. All these things clash with a
seductive vibe, right? So instead you need to slow down your
speech rate and your movements and just make everything feel very
smooth. When you set this calm scene, she will follow you quite
naturally and start to feel the sexual escalation too.
Eyes can focus more intensely here, you look into one eye, but your
mouth maintains a slight smile rather than a serious expression (it’s
very advisable to avoid the “serial killer” stare.) And also, start
glancing down at her lips from time to time to signal gently that
you’re thinking about kissing her.
Touch her for just a little longer. At this point your touches are more
lingering. Don’t linger for five minutes, mind you — but take a good
three seconds instead of those quick pats you give a girl you’ve just
met. Next you need to start things like taking her hand or resting your
hand on her leg a few seconds, pushing some of those stray hairs
back from her face. Casual moves, but all the while, pay subtle
attention to her comfort level. If she recoils … it’s bad news …
obviously. If she leans into it or smiles, tilts her head, looks at your
lips, then you’ve taken a sure step towards happiness.
Have you noticed that the conversational topic is unimportant, that we don’t
need to start talking about sexual things? How much more subtle, enigmatic
and sexy than blurting out something overt or asking permission verbally.
Now, store these ideas to use right before the kiss:
She starts to say something. Now, put your finger on your lips and
make a shhhh sound. Then slowly move in and kiss her.
“Wait a second,” you tell her. Now turn her face to the side and give
her a kiss on the cheek. Naturally, her face then turns back towards
yours. Keep yours there. Slowly move in for the kiss.
Ask what color her eyes are and move closer to see. She’ll look back
into your eyes too and so you’ve made a still moment. Follow it up
with a brief kiss, and then maybe more.
Hug, hold hands, kiss her cheek, give her a peck on the lips, keep your eye
contact very strong and smile at her without saying a word. Just hold that
sexual tension while you gently push the action forward. Not pushing the
sensual action forward is the number one way for you to land permanently in
the friend zone: remember that you’re expected to push, so push you must.
I’ve got women grumbling to me incessantly about how things fizzled out
with this guy or that because he failed to make the move ... and then,
somehow, it was too late. Yes, the reasons are mysterious but, after a certain
point, a woman’s attraction just drops away. Maybe you were afraid of
failure, or maybe you took the idea of respect just too far; whatever the
cause, in the end somehow you just killed the possibility of a romantic
payoff. But remember that you’re a man, you’re a sexual being, she’s
attractive to you, it’s completely natural: so go ahead and be cool with
expressing that side of yourself. Just remember to keep respect in the mix
until both of you totally forget about it.
When Should You Let Him …?
A woman rarely makes the first move on a guy because, bluntly, that doesn’t
work well. Guys who are proficient in seduction won’t need any help, but
actually the best guys, the nicest guys, are often the ones who are a little
less experienced and a little more shy.
But despair not, ladies: you can still radiate your physical interest by sending
out behavioural signs that will prompt or even provoke him to act. Of course
that’s not 100% effective, since most of us have known at least one laughing
plank who was entirely blind to female signals. But in most cases you should
be able to launch some love by using the following prompts and so, when
the time seems right, try a medley of these:
Hold good eye contact and keep your smile up.
Look at his lips whenever he’s speaking.
Touch his chest, arm, or leg when you do the talking.
Speak slowly. Remember to leave lots of pauses where you just hold
eye contact — that builds up the mandatory sexual tension.
When Should You Let Him …?
The world’s oldest questions are also those of the latest moment – and none
more so than the uncertain issue of when a woman should allow him to kiss
her, or sleep with her. I’m assuming here that you don’t just want sex, do
you? Because if you do, my answer’s quick and simple – just do what you
feel. But if you’re looking for a relationship that’s fun and valuable in a
serious way, the timing of getting physical is skilled, and crucially important.
To make a man wait is to test how intent he is on a serious relationship.
Here, a discreet memo to the entire female sex: you should never, never use
sex as a strategy to make him like you better and better. If he won’t wait a
month for sex with you then it’s clear – or at best, likely – that he is not
searching for something serious. Walk off straight away.
If that’s not his motive, then you do need to make sure he gets a firm sense
of gradual progress, as well as your good logic for abstaining. “No point in
sleeping with a guy who’s not serious. Sex only works for me with strong
emotions alongside. If that deters you, plenty of chicks around who’ll sleep
with you on the first night, right?” It’s fine to say that. Be strong and win his
respect; and if he gets mildly frustrated meanwhile, that’s just fine. But what
if he gets really irritated? Then it most likely means he was just foraging for
sex and you’ve lost the big sum of nothing.
Each time before you meet, mentally draw a line for yourself and resolve not
to cross it that night. Maybe first time out he gets a peck on the cheek; the
next allows some direct kissing, quickly cut off; next time prolonged kissing
is cool but stops when it gets too heavy and hot. Move gently on, and never
move backwards: it only weirds out a guy if he can do something one day
and then he can’t the next, so advance in deliberate, self-controlled steps
and make him wait. And still make him wait even when you do eventually
have sex: don’t do it all first time, do it all over time. The benefits of this?
They’re twofold: you shield yourself from being fooled and hurt by a sexforager, and you attract the good guy by displaying striking qualities of
character. In my experience, a guy will trust and respect his woman infinitely
more if she’s hard to get into bed — that’s just the way it is. But at least that
gives you a way, a clear path to attracting him.
Signs of Interest
One of the biggest problems that guys have is in reading the green-light
signals women send out to show their interest. And while it’s true that
compared to men, women are the Formula One drivers of perception, still,
lots of them are shocked when I break the news that a guy is after them:
“No, no, he’s just friendly”, they bluster, flushing. But don’t lose hope, either
sex: for certainly when it comes to interacting with people, the more
experience you grab, the more skilled you’ll become. Let’s look carefully at a
list of signs women or men generally make when they’re attracted and ready
— and by all means feel free to kick yourself for missing some openings with
people you just didn’t recognize had the hots for you.
Signs Women Give
Signs Women Give
We’ve all heard the ancient wisdom that if she runs her fingers languorously
through her hair or even just touches it, this may mean she likes you. But do
watch out for ambiguity in signals, too: I mean, she could actually just be
fussing and fixing her hair. That habit aside, if she just enters the room, sees
you and then touches her hair, it’s quite likely you’ll get a positive response if
you walk up and speak to her. Please do not wait for the signal to walk,
better to leap before you look, make your move and then use her signal as a
positive reward.
You need to watch out for these signs:
She’s facing another direction but her feet point towards you. This
often shows that she’s thinking about you.
Her friend throws a glance at you as if she’s just been told, “I like that
guy over there”.
She passes by where you are standing, and although there’s enough
room to pass you easily, she brushes against you.
She laughs when you say something that isn’t that funny.
She’s the one who asks your name, first. Don’t take this to be just
politeness, in a cold situation it usually proves interest.
She asks if you‘re single. You don’t need to ask this unless you’re
interested in someone.
She accuses you of being a playboy.
She touches your arm or chest while she’s talking to you.
She gives you almost any kind of compliment. When a woman
doesn’t want you to make a move, she won’t give you any positive
feedback or encouragement.
She asks you any question that seems to be qualifying you against
her “boyfriend criteria”. Depending on the woman, it could be to
check if you have the same interests or lifestyle – for example if you
smoke, whether you like children or animals (if she has them), or in
the worst cases – moments of cynical self-exposure — about money.
She won’t bother checking that you measure up unless she’s
considering you as a romantic prospect.
She enquires casually, for example, why you aren’t married yet or why
you don’t have kids: she’s trying to eliminate any worries about you
she has.
Her remarks try to prove her High Value in some way, for instance she
shows off about some achievement.
Signs Men Give
Male signs are much more obvious than women’s, cringe-ably so in some
cases, but still I’m sure you’ll have missed some of these behaviours:
He looks at you often.
He puts down his friend in front of you.
He lists all his achievements in the first few minutes.
He asks if you’re single. (Forgive me if this is obvious.)
He breaks eye contact nervously, blushing.
He laughs nervously.
He agrees with you on everything.
You should now be fully equipped to meet people, have great dates, and
turn things sexual. Not to mention that you should also not have any missed
opportunities through missing signs of interest. So far we have covered face-
opportunities through missing signs of interest. So far we have covered faceto-face meetings, but meeting online is becoming more and more common
and at some point in the future it will likely become the most common way
that people meet. Interestingly, this means that having these “old school”
social skills will help you stand out positively as most people lose them
through too much communication through devices.
PART THREE:
LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER
Disclaimer
At the time of writing, I’ve only been together with my wife for a little over two
years, so I ask for some leeway here. I believe I have important advice to
offer, even though you might rather hear it from a sixty-year-old who had
been married for 30+ years. The thing is, times have changed. Although our
parents often married their first loves, and their relationships lasted, society
has undergone a massive change. The average age that we get married, the
roles of men and women, the number of children we have on average,
everything has changed. Expectations are also a lot higher. Women don’t
just want a man to be a stable provider with good prospects. Men don’t just
want a good wife and mother. What I’m saying is that I’m just not sure how
relevant advice is when it comes from the previous generation.
Let me tell you briefly about my personal example. Although I have been
known as a seduction guru, I always preferred being in a relationship. There
were enjoyable parts to being single: exciting first dates and being free to do
what you want when you want without considering someone else. But I also
loved to have someone very close to me whom I could share life with.
Traveling to a new place, going through a big event (whether positive or
negative), and even watching a movie or comedy show – it’s always better
when we can experience it with someone we love.
I considered other possibilities. I knew men who were in their forties and
fifties and didn’t look like they were close to settling down, but that life just
didn’t appeal to me. I didn’t want to be a 50-year-old guy chasing younger
women. I even knew some people who had open relationships, openly dated
multiple people, or lived some other alternative kind of relationship. None of
those things were for me.
I still had a massive problem. I had no trouble meeting women, and they
were often beautiful. They were often smart. But they never were quite right.
I had a real sense of what my wife needed to be like and I was able to find
out in the first hours of knowing someone whether they could potentially
match up or not. The problem was I was being disappointed over and over
again. I got to the point where I thought I would end up as one of those
older guys who never managed to settle down, or else just “settle” for a
woman who was good enough…and maybe just take up loads of hobbies to
keep me out of the house. I didn’t want to do that and I felt I still had a little
time left.
I met my wife in a bar on a Friday night, which was a potential negative,
since usually it’s not a great place to meet. Even worse, I was drunk. I very
rarely got drunk, maybe a couple of times a year, but I was quite stressed
and had one drink too many. Somehow I saw her, she had long hair all the
way down her back, and from across the room I could just make out her
head and one shoulder and tell she was slim and quite tall. I approached her,
said hi, and guessed her height. She was impressed that I was spot on. I
then guessed her weight. It sounds very strange, and it was, but luckily she
thought it was different and quirky.
Kate was totally sober, and had been dragged out by her friend. I was quite
out of it but took her being sober as a good sign – she wasn’t a party girl. I
was worried that she would not like that I was drunk … amazingly she looked
at it in a positive way. She said later that even though I was obviously drunk,
I was still a gentleman. I was polite and behaving well. If I could still do this
when I was drunk, then sober I must be a solid guy. She just wanted to make
sure that this was actually a rare case and that I wasn’t a drunkard.
Quite quickly she revealed to me that she was in a relationship, living with
someone, but that it was ending. I was shocked that she could be so honest
in a first meeting. Telling me something potentially negative. This was a huge
positive for me. Although it was a very messy situation and could have
scared me off, she said it because it was true and potentially important for
me to know. This surprising honesty was a theme early on and I love it about
her to this day. Her philosophy is that you should tell the truth, and if you are
worried about telling the truth then you should behave better so that you
won’t feel the urge to lie about it. It’s difficult to argue with that.
She drove me home but wouldn’t let me kiss her goodnight or come in. That
was good too, she definitely didn’t know me well enough to get physical.
I messaged on Sunday but she didn’t reply until the evening. When she did
she apologized and said she didn’t get the message until then and that she
was so happy to hear from me. I was amazed – a beautiful girl who wasn’t
was so happy to hear from me. I was amazed – a beautiful girl who wasn’t
playing games. She was happy to hear from me, and she said so —
refreshing and very positive.
On our first dates we had great conversations. She knew a lot and had
interesting views, and best of all she was curious. If she didn’t know about a
subject, she wanted to find out more. If she hadn’t tried something, then she
wanted to. The conversations were sparkling and we had a great mutual
respect building. Respect for each other’s intelligence, and good character. I
had been on lots of dates where I would be appreciated for my clothes or
jokes, but not for who I really was deep inside. I felt like Kate appreciated
who I really was and that I was what she was looking for in a man. That she
had thought about it and come up with something like me as the answer.
Likewise she was ticking all my boxes one by one – beautiful, intelligent,
honest, kind.
We got closer, we took trips together. I always found it a good test of a
relationship to escape to a place where you are together 24 hours a day
without much distraction. You have to communicate, and not just “what have
you been up to?” “what are you doing?” “how’s your mum?” kind of
conversation, it needs to go deeper and still be interesting. You also find out
if you see things the right way and have enough in common.
We had a lot in common. We didn’t like running around on a strict itinerary
to see all the sights, we preferred to take it easy and soak in a new place
and feel the vibe, often getting off the beaten tourist tracks. The time
together was totally comfortable, like we were perfectly in-sync.
Conversations were effortless and the silences just as comfortable. The
exact opposite of some previous relationships where I felt like my date and I
had totally different attitudes and lifestyles.
I didn’t feel that mad lust that I had sometimes felt, mostly from a long chase
with someone playing hard to get. This time it just felt right, and destined to
be. We weren’t playing games, and I was trying to be cool, to be how I
would continue to be. Not to show my best hand in the courtship phase and
have nothing better to show later. She was just herself and it was perfect.
We dated from February to October 2015, and I was already sure about her.
I wanted to propose. I had no doubts. I told my friends and relatives and they
I wanted to propose. I had no doubts. I told my friends and relatives and they
knew me well enough to know that my decision was well thought out. I
bought a ring, planned a trip to the Caribbean and proposed on a quiet
stretch of Seven Mile Beach in Jamaica. It’s a beautiful place and the
moment was special. We got married around a year later in Mauritius, with a
honeymoon around the islands of the Indian Ocean.
We’ve had a few arguments, disagreements, problems … of course. The
great thing is that even in the heat of the moment, we still love each other,
still couldn’t imagine our lives with anyone else. Even in that moment of
maximum emotion. Best of all, we have resolved the causes of those
arguments, so that they stop cropping up. Now it’s just random stupid
things. Often it’s my fault, sometimes it’s her fault, but they are very rare and
very fleeting and silly. Sometimes we play at arguing just for fun, calling each
other names, because it just seems weird that it’s been that long since we
have had any heated quarrels.
So I’ve told you my story, and I am sure a few of you still think “yeah let’s see
how long you two last”. Well I expect us to last a very long time. Let’s
assume for a second that it doesn’t though. I still did find ‘the one’, I still did
find someone pretty much perfect for me, and we did find real happiness.
We didn’t ‘settle’. We didn’t destroy the relationship or start to grow distant.
Even achieving that until the time of writing I think is a success. So with all
that said, let me tell you what I’ve learned about relationships in my short
married life so far and from working with other singles and couples for over a
decade.
CHAPTER 10: Nurturing Your Relationship
Congratulations – you’ve managed to deepen your friendship into a
romance. You’ve made friends, you’ve gotten to know someone you like,
you’re now dating The One who’s right. No rest for you yet, though: now
we’ll get a jump on moving your skills along so you know how to sustain this
as a good, enlivening relationship. But wait, and first remember the keys to
achieving this outcome and reaching this point: you made certain you met
the right kinds of people; you sat and consciously wrote down your criteria
for a partner to focus your choice on someone compatible; and then you
gradually bridged the gap between friend and lover.
Mastering the science of choosing the right person is the biggest part of
making things work out in the long-term. Now that we’re walking down a
beach in a sunny union, we need to keep working to make sure we remain
happy, don’t split the air with arguments too often, and ensure that we get
steadily closer and our relationship gets better over time and distance. We
all know how tough it is, divorce rates are too high, but we will now do our
part to defeat those numbers.
There are umpteen relationship books that plunge into overwhelming detail
about the forces of failure. But in fact we’ll grasp the problem more firmly by
keeping our reasons clear, simple and evident. Therefore like most people,
your success will come from:
1.
Don’t choose the wrong person because they’re what you
want but they’re not what you need.
Lots of men and women go for the wrong type of partner. Now,
whether the draw is that he’s like her father, or she’s like the girl who
dumped him harshly at college, the “why” here is really not
important. What’s essential is that the pattern sinks in: you’re
cyclically attracted to something that’s bad for you. The
unpredictable guy who treats you with disrespect, zooms off for a
week or so and then skids back in touch with a fanfare. The woman
who wraps you round her pinkie and makes you run errand-
marathons, only to sigh ungratefully at your efforts.
Your first step is to recognize whether or not I’m talking about you.
Are all your exes “jerks” or “hell cats”? Well, maybe that’s because
your subconscious subtly chooses that kind of fleabag. Go on, take
a logical look: remove all that emotion, and observe yourself with
clarity. If you realize that you do choose traits that will later turn toxic
for you, then you recognize that and you change. The prior
assignment where you wrote down the good qualities you look for in
a partner will really help you out here. Next move is to resist when
you get drawn to the noxious types, and absolutely do not engage.
2.
Don’t choose arbitrarily because you are lonely for a
relationship, and there is nothing special about that unique
individual.
When you are with someone, try to separate the person from the
relationship. Meaning, first separate out the positive, glowing
sensations of being in a relationship, that are common to all link-ups
– relaxed, regular sex, holding hands, sharing things, stifling laughter
together, etc. They feel great for sure, especially if you feel like
you’ve been single since Windows 7. You can’t, however, attribute
all these great feelings to that specific individual. Bearing the
distinction in mind helps you keep your head and make more
rational, self-interested choices in the affair; at the least, helps you
not to fall for that person so quickly.
And now, look at all the positives that are unique to a relationship
with that specific person. How do they score? Not great? If so, then
don’t try and make it last forever, you’ll just be helping number
crunchers with the divorce tally. Do enjoy it while it lasts — maybe
keep your options open, if you can be honest about that, and don’t
set yourself up for damage by investing huge emotions.
3.
Don’t slip into patterns that make you less attractive to one
another.
You meet him and he’s dressed in a great suit, he charms you, and
makes all the decisions and seems to know what you want
telepathically, from presents to foreplay. He oozes charisma and
confidence, in total command of himself and his actions. Fast
forward six months and he’s crying on your lap because he doesn’t
know what to do with his life. He now asks you blankly what you
want for your birthday and where you want to go for dinner. Sits
round the house in shorts and baseball hat playing PlayStation.
Hmm. It’s easy to see how you’d lose something in terms of feelings.
Remember this: to keep the relationship strong, always bear in mind those
things that initially attracted you, and fight to make sure they survive.
If you’re worried about being on the receiving end of this, you need to show
right away that you expect a certain standard. Once things start to slip, then
that’s a quick, slippery slope. Our partners and our lovers need to be kept in
check: it sounds strange, doesn’t it, but letting yourself or them succumb to
natural human laziness, will just lead to your both being unhappy. If
something slips, point it out in the right way. To avoid seeming a moaner or a
nag, you can point to the positive – “I love it when you’re decisive”, “You’re
looking so sexy, all that working out is really paying off”.
How Do I Tell If He Wants Something Serious?
Listen up, ladies! Most dating advice for guys concerns the first five
minutes of the encounter – how to approach and what to say — since this
is the critical point where the majority of men struggle. Whereas for
women. the skill lies partly in winning more opportunities with men, but
mainly in identifying and keeping that one really good guy. Problem is,
sometimes we men just – er — lie. A guy who’s had a sex famine for a
while and finds you totally hot will perjure himself completely, just to get
you between sheets. Pretending to be rich, implying he’ll get you a great
job, claiming he’s hunted for a serious relationship so long he’s even
searched Google Street, vowing he loves watching Sex and the City and
Girls reruns, too. Ultimately, said woman who has gone through lots of
dates gets tremendously suspicious and jaded due to so many of such
guys turning out markedly different from the Dr. Jekyll he initially swears he
guys turning out markedly different from the Dr. Jekyll he initially swears he
is.
We’ve already covered one way to tell how serious he is – by not making
it too simple for him to sleep with you. Now take note of some more:
► You ask him this simple question unexpectedly and gauge his
response: “What kind of woman are you looking for?” When he
can’t quickly produce a well-thought-out answer, or mainly dwells
on her physical charms, then plainly he hasn’t wasted much braintime on thinking about a long-term relationship.
► Scrutinize his lifestyle. Are most of his mates lone roisterers or do
they have their fun with one particular woman? Does he paint the
town most nights? Remember that a guy drawn towards settled
friends is more likely to be inclined that way himself. But if his
friends love going out and getting wasted along a trail of “random
chicks” then your relationship is not going to develop.
► Are women intrinsic to his life? It sounds counter-intuitive, but in
fact it’s the guy with the durable female friends and affectionate,
teasing sisters, who’s also close to his Mum, that’s most likely to
be a good candidate for you. If he’s out there sleeping with every
chick on hand with never a follow-up text or call, or just generally
running around lying and misbehaving, then it‘s tough for him to
stop female friends from evaporating from his life. Because either
he’ll lunge to sleep with them and trash the rapport, or else he’ll
hit on their close friends, and maybe lure them into a short-lived
affair and leave them with a grudge. In his bleakest form, he’ll have
zero female friends because he doesn’t respect women at all and
only schedules them for some hard cold sex.
► Does he have a good track record? Compare a guy who’s never
had a relationship over three months long, and has nothing but
bad things to say about all his exes, to a guy who’s had a few
relationships longer than a year and is on warm terms with old
girlfriends. Option one is better for you, you might think: it’s
dangerous to have exes around to rekindle old emotions or at the
least, adverse comparisons. But actually, the continuity this shows
is very positive. Because if he hates his exes it shows that either
a), he chooses terrible women or b), he hurts them and wrecks
things to the point of no contact. But if he still keeps on sunny
terms with them, even just staying Facebook friends or texting a
nostalgic hello on high holidays, then that means he a) chooses
valuable women and b) doesn’t do anything too destructive in
relationships. Finally, asking why they broke up is very helpful.
Again, if he retorts, “Because she’s a notable psycho” that’s not
auspicious but “Yeah we just grew apart”, or “we came to see we
weren’t compatible enough, we weren’t going to make it
permanent, so why prolong things?” then that’s pretty promising.
Of course, be careful: his failure on these points shouldn’t automatically
be deal-breakers, he might be ready to change. Just be much more
cautious when you see he does drop some of these hurdles, and however
much you desire a relationship, don’t try to mentally airbrush a bad
prospect into your fairy-tale prince.
First Take It Fast, Then Take It Slow
I’m often surprised by two things I notice in terms of the speed at which
people build their new relationships. The lovers who take things too fast, and
the lovers who take things too slow.
People who decide to get married and have kids before they are even sure
about the other person. Or else people who take things so slow that they
never really test the relationship … until it’s way too late.
There is a stage in relationships when it makes certain good sense to take it
slow, and that is in the very earliest stages: before sex, and before you are
entirely comfortable together. But then once you get comfortable together,
why not find out as quickly as possible if your new relationship has legs?
It’s vital for your happiness to aware that it’s all too easy to find someone
you’re dating casually interesting. You meet up with them just a few times a
week, usually for some interesting activity, or at least going out for some
week, usually for some interesting activity, or at least going out for some
cocktails or dinner. You have passionate sex. And then you repeat this
supposed courtship test a few days later, and then the following week.
That’s all well and good but doing it that way, it’s hard to put a finger on the
potential flaws, the crises and stresses you might grow into with this
particular human being and relationship.
Yes, each time you meet up the pair of you just go over the “What d’you
think of this place?/ How’s your food?/ What’ve you been up to?/ What
d’you have planned?” conversational litanies. And actually what the two of
you are doing is, you’re distracting yourselves with the place or the activity,
with the laughs, the enjoyable sexual tension and the going to bed together.
But you can stretch out a relationship like that for months or years only to
figure out later, sometimes tragically, that it’s all been a bit of a waste of time.
Much better instead is to force yourselves early on to spend extended time
together in less stimulating environments. Just chilling out somewhere all day
with not much distraction or exhilaration. Going on a weekend break
somewhere in a stretch of countryside where you’ll be together (with nature)
24/7.
Because when you are married to this person, it’s not going to consist of
short and interesting periods of time – no, you also need to be happy living a
normal or sometimes mundane life together, mainly just hanging out at home.
So in that regard, move fast at first. Then spend unadventurous, one-on-one
time together so that you can judge how well you both get on without any
vivid distractions, excitement, or heightened sexual tension. And when you
have passed that test, that’s when you should take it slow — and what do I
mean by take it slow?
Well, just as lots of people take it slow in the early stages and thus gain an
incorrect picture of how life with this person would be, it’s common for them
then to suddenly speed things up.
You rush from dating into living together, into a proposal, a marriage, a baby
within record time. If only you had rushed the earlier phase instead! Really
tested the relationship — then you could be more certain from the start about
these later serious steps, take them that little bit more slowly and deliberately
with a justified certainty and confidence.
This Will Make Us Better
Lots of couples think things will get even better when they get engaged,
married, or they have that heal-all miracle, a baby. And so it’s these later
stages of love that they rush towards. And yes, in the sense that the planning
and excitement of these events can happily distract you from your core
relationship and make it seem better than it really is, this pace of
development may work — but only in the short-term.
For if things are not that great when you’re living together, the idea that
getting married or having a baby will “fix” the relationship is a total fallacy. If
anything, things will only get worse for you as time moves on.
Just imagine a partner who is dishonest. If a dishonest boyfriend or girlfriend
is bad, then a dishonest husband or wife is worse, and a dishonest parent is
the very worst of all. The same goes for any negative quality in your partner.
Any bad stuff that exists between you two will be magnified many times over
when you come to expect more of that person, specifically because their role
in your life has become more important – and ever-present.
Don’t Just Do What Your Friends and Relatives Want
One reason why it’s good to quickly test a partner is because the longer a
relationship lasts the more you’ll get finger-wagging questions from friends
such as, “Now when are you two making it official?” or “When are you two
starting a family?”
And so you can end up just ending up, married with a couple of kids,
impelled by some crazy auto-pilot, just because “time‘s getting on.” Kind of
how, when we were kids, we first trooped into school, then college and then
into a job, just following on with all the things that time and convention has
pushed us towards.
But remember, only you truly know yourself. Only you really know your
relationship. So by all means do listen to the people close to you, but don’t
be pressured by them.
Especially since they can’t know the full story. They’re not living your
relationship from the inside but somehow they still fully expect, they almost
lunge to make all your irrevocable decisions for you.
Beware of Reinforcing Wrong Behaviour
I mean, there’s often a telling difference between the way we deal with bad
and good behaviour in our relationship with a person, as opposed to the
effective way we deal with it in our canine companions. A dog misbehaves
and we communicate that that’s wrong and then show them the right
behaviour. And the exact same with children. In a relationship with an adult,
however, what do we do? Oh dear, she’s growing distant and becoming
less responsive? I’d better buy her flowers! He goes out with his mates and
gets wasted until 3 am when he said it was just a few after-work drinks? I’d
better serve him breakfast in bed and nurse his hangover so he values me
more!
No. Absolutely wrong.
Everyone in a relationship needs to be explicitly shown how to be better —
how to be the person that we want, and will continue to want. This means
that they actively need (and actually subconsciously desire) some firm
training. Yes, just like that squirming puppy. You must show them what the
house rules are: what you’ll accept and what you won’t, and point out
specifically the “red-line” mistakes that would destroy everything.
It’s a process as simple as reward and punishment. A reward is your doing
nice things, showing more attention, being considerate, thoughtful and
available — she likes those things! A punishment is distance, coldness, and
complaints — he doesn’t like those things! We know when we’re doing
wrong and it makes us discard all respect for the other person when we’re
allowed to just get away with it or, even worse, when we are energetically
rewarded for it.
Say he’s spending more time at work and growing distant. We can
constantly ding him texts asking when will u b home. Complain that we don’t
see him enough. Wait for him in sexy red lace lingerie. But this would be just
rewarding him for giving you less attention, a bonus scheme for bad acts. So
instead, why not make some fresh plans for yourself? Not romantic plans,
just independent, enjoyable plans. Start some new activities that always
interested you, dust off your social circle, and have some good fun without
him. Your moving away smoothly like this is much more likely to bring him
back to you than if you chase. And if this doesn’t work, then probably
nothing would have. It’s a lesson: you’ve discovered the long-term truth.
In action, rewards mean that if our lover does things we like, we positively
move closer to them and give them our best. When they behave badly we
move away and show them it’s wrong, yanking away the things they like until
they drop their bad conduct. It’s very simple, and very effective. They learn
that their life is better when they behave the right way and gets worse when
they don’t. For if you reward them for bad behaviour and don’t punish it, then
you’re encouraging a routine that will grow and destroy your relationship.
The best way to show them how much you care, is to act in the right way
that teaches them how to be great for you.
Avoiding Arguments and Break-ups
It sounds so clear and so logical, doesn’t it, to say that when we have a
lover, and especially since we love them, we won’t want to spoil everything
with tiresome, trailing arguments. Most arguments are silly squabbles, but
through some utterly mysterious process, we briefly forget we love that
person and — bingo! — we end up wounding them, and not just temporarily.
Enough time passes by, and then our arguments become increasingly acrid.
The danger point where you must stop yourself is the “Always/Never” Point:
that is, when you both move beyond criticisms of this particular moment —
“that was out of line” or “please listen to me” or “don’t shout”, and descend
to “always/never” accusations about your relationship generally: “why are
you always so rude?” or “you are always such an inconsiderate pig!” or “you
never, ever listen to me!” To paint your lover’s essential character or
behaviour as permanently bad in this way moves your relationship irrevocably
towards its end.
While these disputes often appear to be about money or jealousy,
While these disputes often appear to be about money or jealousy,
underneath they usually aren’t, really. They spring up from deeper
antagonisms that, if we fixed the surface problems, still wouldn’t go away:
they’d just move on and shape-change into another symptom of the real
discord.
If you are fighting and you are in one of the following two types of
relationships, I’m sorry to tell you that it’s doomed. Be honest with yourself.
Do either of these sound familiar?
Sheer incompatibility. You have chosen someone for your life who is
just incompatible. Most of the reasons why people break up or get
divorced are already plain to see in the first weeks of the affair, or on
the very morning you first pool property and move in together. But
fatally, you just gloss over these conflicts because you really want a
relationship “we can make it work!”. Then in time, as the honeymoon
feeling wears off, the hard truth starts to get to you. That’s why
considering and listing in advance exactly what you want from a
partner is terribly important. And so is presenting your lover with the
real, never the sugar-coated version of yourself from the very start. If
that seems like putting logic at the heart of love, well, that’s exactly
where it should sit. By blending logic with your feelings, essentially,
you then avoid a lot of very painful heartache later on.
Lack of feeling – and part of that is, lack of empathetic attachment.
Some start a relationship ruckus just for love of drama, others do it
because they’re bored, others don’t care if they hurt someone else,
or they even positively enjoy that power trip. Unfortunately if you’re
on the receiving end of this, it’s bizarre, because you’re fighting
against someone who won’t feel any pain. However you respond,
whatever your weapon. They won’t feel pain from your screaming
and shouting and insults, they might even enjoy it. Feel pain from
hurting you? Not they! Now, if your lover has a core desire, outside
the primitive emotions flying in an argument, to hug you in a healthy
relationship, then you can work wonders with that. But if they don’t
contain that human quality, if they are at heart a cold individual, then
it’ll be almost impossible for that quality to develop inside them. The
likely prognosis is, these bad spats will only get worse over time, as
they push the boundary further and further.
Strategies for Fighting Well
If you are in an otherwise healthy relationship, we can all work wonders by
becoming skilled at fighting fairly.
Something I haven’t often seen talked about is dispute strategies. For while
some people love to scream, shout and get it all out and then quickly make
up, others recover by getting away to think alone and then return acting as if
nothing has happened. Everyone has their preferred conflict strategy and
when they clash with yours, at worst they can be emotionally brutal and
downright incendiary. So, if you find you’re arguing with your partner too
often and it deteriorates hatefully, then you need to take some action that
may sound a bit nerdy, but which actually might just disperse your hostilities.
Of course, never arguing again is unrealistic. But to completely avoid the
kind of arguments that over time will erode and destroy love is something
that, with persistence, we can actually achieve. So first, let’s examine the
structure of those fights.
Do you each out-do one another to say worse and worse things in
louder and louder voices as the heat rises until you’re standing there
screaming at each other? If so, right away you’ll need to shut down
this savage spiral completely by using a new strategy that both of
you can agree on.
Does one of you vocally pursue the other, pushing and pushing your
version of reality while the other just will not respond, which makes
you get even more angry? Stop — here we need to recognize, to
respect the differing argument strategy of each of you: one just
wants to get it out there and get it resolved, while the other
doggedly insists on time for their emotions to cool down and to be
left alone where that can happen.
Do your arguments always circle like loud flies over the same spot,
stirring up past pain, showcasing a wonderful medley of all past
wrongs and errors? Note that the longer we’re with a lover, the more
“evidence” we can use against them, so that the deep resentments
of months and years build and intensify until they happily spurt out
each time we fight. Instead, you must be firm and resolve all these
past injuries so they can never be used repeatedly during outbursts.
Stop, and analyze the structure. You can bet that, whether you’re quarreling
over money or over the way he checked out that waitress, you’ll see that the
structure repeats. Then in a stretch of warmth and calm, get the agreement
of your partner that you’re arguing way too much. You can say, then, you’ve
been trying by yourself to understand why this has become so uncontrollable
— that you’ve read this book and want to try a new solution.
This is the new strategy, you tell them, for next time you argue, at which point
you might make certain requests of them and ask that they have some
requests ready for you. Requests about those things you do in a dispute that
particularly upset and enrage them and that you aren’t aware of. You both
agree, therefore, that the next time things get stormy, you’ll call a time out:
you go off to separate rooms and then after five minutes, you come back,
give each other a firm hug and say something healing (“you’re so sexy /
adorable when you are angry”) and then decide objectively if there even is
an underlying issue to resolve, or if it was just a nothing argument out of
nowhere.
Here are some things you can stop and try in the midst of an argument to
defuse tension:
“Let’s stop here ‘cos I’m not thinking straight, let’s freeze the moment
and talk it through rationally later”.
“Look – look. We’re both flaming now but don’t forget: I love you,
your happiness is the crucial thing, this negative rush we’re stuck in
will only last five minutes.”
“How ‘bout we shut up for a sec, get in a big hug and a kiss, then try
to respect each other by talking it through calmly later on?”
“Darling, this isn’t helping either of us. Whatever part of it’s mine, I’m
really sorry. Here — let’s take a few minutes, I’ll go in that room and
you stay in here, then we’ll come back friends and start again and
resolve this.”
Oftentimes we argue because we’re just taking out some inner
dissatisfaction on the closest person to us. We don’t mean it, do we? It’s
just what we do, and we always regret it later. That’s why the better our life
is, the better we will treat our loved ones. So then, a focus on improving
ourselves will lead to our being happier with our progress and thus less
easily irritated and moody.
What If You Actually Do Have a Contentious Issue?
Or sometimes the arguments are there for a solid reason. You go about your
life together and ninety-nine per cent of the time it doesn’t erupt, but then
now and again it rears its hideous head., over and over, because this really is
an obstructing issue. She wants to buy a car and you think that’s fiscally
irresponsible. He thinks it’s fine to be a bit flirty with women, you really, really
don’t. You think one of her close friends is beyond horrible.
I’m sure you’ll recognize the funny side of all this, namely: there are issues in
your relationship — you’d be a lot happier if you resolved them — but instead
of soberly discussing them, taking account of each other’s feelings,
registering each other’s view, you just let it fester There it sits, beneath the
surface, and then the only time you two “discuss” it is when your logical
brains are not engaged. Partly that’s because when we’re happy and smiling,
we “don’t even want to go there”. Well, you need to — now. Now, with all the
talk that compromise and understanding are so important, that you agree
with in theory — you must grit your teeth and actually follow that practically.
You know, it really is a miracle when two people who were strangers
become lovers who get along so well, spend all this time together, and see
things mostly the same way. We should respect that miracle and give some
concessions and try to compromise. How big an issue is this stuff, really?
Do you fully understand why your lover thinks like this? And do they
understand your side? Try and discuss it a few times with the heat turned
down, then you might actually make progress. If you don’t, the issue will drip
on like a leaky pipe — and potentially go from worse to terrible — and you
don’t want that, do you?
If it’s bad it probably won’t get better. People get engaged, married, and
have babies thinking it’s the cure.
Meeting the Parents
Meeting your romantic partner’s parents for the first time is a fairly stressful
life event, and that makes it a good test of all the lessons you’ve learned so
far.
Before you meet them, sit down and really think about and predict which
qualities they will be looking for in you, as opposed to those that attracted
your partner. Invest in mental preparation, it’s the way to succeed.
Let’s remember that the parents, sitting on the best sofa, are from an older
generation and therefore might be more conservative and old fashioned.
Their main anxiety is that their offspring’s partner should be a good, steady,
rational choice. It therefore follows that your being cool and edgy, or sexy,
with a sense of humour that your partner lauds as “wicked”, won’t do much
in the way of delighting them. But here are some virtues that will help to win
them over:
Respect. When you’re in their home, being quiet and reserved will
work better than showing them a loud, hand-pumping persona. Be
deferential, err on the far side of polite, offer to help, assume you
should leave your well-cleaned shoes by the door and most definitely
turn off your phone. Respectful behaviour counts very much in your
favour.
Be openly but gently complimentary about their home and the
food. And significantly, about the way they’ve raised their child,
qualities you enjoy in your partner that obviously they influenced.
Now, you might think it’s horn-blaringly obvious that you like your
partner’s qualities, why else would you be an item? But by praising
them explicitly to parents, you tick the boxes they really care about –
being a good parent, nurturing their child’s potential — it will go a
long way in building a strong base of goodwill.
Showcase your relationship in its best possible light to them.
This is not the moment for excessive teasing, minor criticisms, or
steamy displays of affection.
Dress for their approval, of course, and not for your partner’s.
Think conservative and a bit understated: ultra-fashionable
monochrome, too casual denim, or too sexy skin-displays are wholly
taboo.
Do check beforehand with your partner for any controversial
subjects that you should avoid at all costs. Find out in detail
what they already know about you and — horrid but necessary –
make sure you drag out of your partner anything they didn’t like the
sound of in you, as it might come up as a challenge.
Allow parents the space to challenge you, to object and voice
their concerns. And that’s hard. Even though their comments,
subtle or brutal, might be rude coming from someone else, curbing
your anger when challenged by parents is vital to a positive
outcome. Well, of course you can expect them to be protective and
anxious; that’s what makes them good and loving parents.
Thankfully the rules of politeness offer an easy way to cement
a good impression. Do remember to take a gift, arrive there calm
and on time, and send a pleasant thank you note after your visit.
Remember all these things, keep them confidently in your grip as you enter
the room. Then you know you’ve done everything possible to make this
landmark encounter a pleasure.
PART FOUR:
USING YOUR NEW SOCIAL SKILLS
IN OTHER AREAS OF YOUR LIFE
Hooking Up with High Value People
Have you ever wished you were someone who could easily get to know high
value people? Say, business leaders, celebrities, or even just cool, indemand characters with value in an unusual or a glittering social domain – a
nightclub manager, for example? Well, that’s harder than the average social
face-off, but as always, there is a set of skills that will help you. The first thing
to consider is that such people are usually manically busy, don’t like meeting
new bods, and are sick (i.e. nauseated) of everyone wanting to take
something from them. They walk through a hectic crowd of grabbers: some
want their money, some want to hawk a deal, others want a capital injection,
twenty want freebies and most want a selfish selfie on top.
Meeting people with a little more social value is not that hard, of course.
Usually being very friendly and offering them stuff will do the job. Say,
offering to buy a drink very quickly, even if their glass is nearly full, is always a
good move to convey you aren’t just trying to take from them.
I’m a fair example of this. If people want to get my dating advice, they can
pay $500 an hour on Skype, or more face to face. But if those people played
a bit smarter, they could get me for a lot less. For instance sometimes I post
on Facebook that I’ll be bringing my seminar to a particular city, but how
often do I get pinged back offers like the following?
often do I get pinged back offers like the following?
Let me drag you out for a fancy dinner/lunch.
I’ll show you round the superlative nightspots.
There’s this cool conference room I know you can book for your
event.
Let me come pick you up at the airport.
Or even:
I’ve got a spare room at mine if you’re looking for somewhere to stay.
The answer to that is, truly rarely. So seldom that even with 25,000 people
on my Facebook accounts, I can still count on five fingers, the times in ten
years that I’ve been offered a high-energy, pleasing, barter-type solution.
People are often striding up to me, already halfway through the words, “help
with my dating problem”, wanting something from me almost before they
meet me. Those five guys offered me something first: and naturally, what
rarely happens gets a big reward. And believe me, each of those guys got
their value back tenfold — the law of reciprocity is that potent.
How strange it is that guys will readily pay for Skype calls or short
consultations, but will not use their creativity to launch a counter-offer at me.
For if a guy offers me something excellent, that at the same time costs him
virtually nothing, then of course he can follow up, “And do you mind if I ask
your advice on something?” and I’ll say, “No, ask away!” After that bond,
who knows? He might become a major hang-out mate, one of my fast
friends, and then I’ll be helping for free and probing all his love problems in
the future.
In just this way, when it comes to getting in with people, it’s very easy to
connect with the next social level up. If your business is $500k a year, you
can easily meet the guys who make 5 million. 5 million can meet 50 million
and so on. It doesn’t mean you can spontaneously connect with Elon Musk
or Warren Buffet, but people one level up will always be accessible with the
right gambit from you – a self-respecting, giving approach, not a taking one.
right gambit from you – a self-respecting, giving approach, not a taking one.
So take conscious stock of all the special access, skills, knowledge and
connections that you have, for then you’ll always use these fluently to barter.
Just consider, as you get to know more and more people, how many more
advantages, abilities and positive resources you will gain to barter to
reinforce your position socially.
How to Talk to People About Other People
Don’t change, be honest, do good.
Got a friend who loves – even lives — to gossip about other people? So
maybe you just listen. Or maybe you join in? Chances are that in either case,
when some episode flares up in your own life – usually a negative event —
you’ll bite your lip and wonder what this “friend” is now saying about you.
Have they turned your dilemma into just the latest piece of steaming gossip
in your crowd? Of course, we all understand the appeal of gossip. It’s
human to enjoy the surprise at a sudden disclosure, the impact of a
scandalous revelation.
But as forcefully as I can, I’m telling you: gossip has absolutely no place
among friends. It’s very destructive for the whole group. Avoid it: run a clear
mile from it. If you ever find the people around you light-heartedly gossiping,
do not be drawn in, don’t show any interest at all. I promise, the long-term
result of your eloquent, dignified silence will be stronger friendships and real
group trust.
If you do speak about other friends, only be positive. Speaking behind
people’s backs is corrosive, but not when you’re saying good things. It’s a
beautiful moment for a friend when they hear second-hand that you paid
them a compliment. We condition ourselves to wonder if compliments are
truly meant when they’re made to our faces, but when they’re via a third party
we much more readily, and happily, believe it. Saying only good things and
never bad behind someone’s back also has a positive effect on your
immediate listener, too: it shows you’re pure and true in your interactions,
and by inference pure with them, too. To become the prized confidant and
the “best friend”, you must treat people with this honour and respect. And if
the “best friend”, you must treat people with this honour and respect. And if
you really can’t say good things about your friends and so many things about
them bother you, you need to find new friends and wean yourself off your
current social group.
Changing People’s Minds and Handling Disagreement
Among the cast of characters of our acquaintance, opinions on issues are
usually firmly held, and this becomes a great test of our persuasive skills. It’s
also a powerfully attractive quality if you make yourself a thought-leader in
your coterie. The prelude to this is, we all know where being honest with
friends leads. From time to time we will disagree. Disagreements can
become arguments, can become fights, can become rifts, so let’s pause for
a look at how we can change friends’ minds and never disagree over
disagreeable disagreements.
To change someone’s mind your best course is this: keep entirely away from
setting up a “me vs you” situation, as then the issue decays to become as
much about winning as it is about actually being right. First, you must
connect and show understanding of their distinct stance — only then do you
gently lead them over to your way of seeing things. Although it shouldn’t be
important just to constantly change peoples’ minds, you will find that you
regularly end up doing so, if only you’ll just present your position in the right
way. It usually goes like this:
You notice that you have a point of disagreement. Either they
contradict you, or they say something that challenges a position you
haven’t yet revealed.
You draw them out, ask them to elaborate. Ask why they have that
opinion and encourage them to talk; follow up with questions until
their point is fully exposed. Do not intone the “Why?” as if saying,
“Are you insane?” Carefully keep your tone neutral and all your nonverbal communication friendly and inquisitive.
Next, validate their position and reflect it back to them: “For many
years I also thought X because … ” or “Lots of influential people
think the same, and I guess it’s because …”
Never use the word “but” – never. “But” negates anything you have
said previously. If I tell you, “I like you BUT…” then you don’t feel any
positivity from my saying I like you, and you just wait for the pain that
will follow the “but”. Instead of saying “But I think” or “But my
position is,” you instead:
Say, “I’ve read lots on the subject, and my thinking goes like this,” or
“Now my position is that …” Then make your strongest point in a
friendly way. If they then disagree, give them room to speak and
keep validating their position with “Sure, yes, I totally understand
that”.
If they keep interrupting your view and just can’t talk reciprocally, ask
them if they’re open to hearing other ideas, as a way of encouraging
them to let you finish. If your requests are just useless, that shows
quite a large and unusual failing in that person. Since there’s no
benefit from your continuing, drop it (and them?) and cut to the
sports results.
You have been behaving in a way that shows intelligence, that you’re a good
listener, that you respect them. The majority of people are reasonable, and
they can’t help but like the way you conduct yourself. They will genuinely
consider your position, therefore, and if it has more merit they’ll adopt it there
and then, or perhaps next time you meet after they’ve taken a newly
balanced look at things.
Most people have hot-button issues, topics they often find themselves
arguing or debating, like some unfunny Funhouse where you always return to
the same spot. If you want to have an argument each time that subject
comes up, then go for it. But if you desire better and more productive
relationships, you need to censor that dead-end issue, now. I’m vegetarian,
for instance, but I never tell people unless it comes up practically. That’s
because I travel through countries where vegetarianism hasn’t caught on; or
through unique spheres with, say, bodybuilders who eat eight chicken
breasts a day; or with folks from countries in which meat is a luxury they
can’t imagine depriving themselves of. No point at all in telling them I’m
can’t imagine depriving themselves of. No point at all in telling them I’m
vegetarian unless they’re cooking for me. If I told everyone at the first
opportunity, I’d get jammed tight in many tedious talks where folks feel they
need to tell me their views, ask the old, worn questions, then pass judgment
on my choice.
So I haven’t been actively campaigning, but still the funny thing is, lots of
people around me have turned vegetarian. I put it down to some kind of
passive, covert persuasion. When people quiz me for reasons, I don’t push
any moral or scientific points — I just reply “habit”. Now after being
vegetarian for ages, I‘d never change what I eat as meat isn’t appetizing for
me at all and my body probably just couldn’t handle it. “Oh,” they’ll say, “I
could never give up meat” or “but meat’s so delicious, you’re missing out
terribly” or “there’s just not enough protein and core nutrients in vegetables”.
“Yeah, most people would find it tough,” I’ll counter and, “Yes if you can’t
spend a lot of time cooking, the easy way to get loads of nutrients is through
meat”. Through my not pushing, their curiosity about my position only
intensifies: “He agrees meat’s tasty with lots of protein — then why’s he
doing this?” Arousing curiosity is the first, best step to changing minds.
The discussion persisting, I’ll add “I never try to convert people, because I
totally get that your steak tastes luscious and it’s your choice. There are lots
of health and environmental benefits with my choice, I guess I know them by
now as I’ve been vegetarian for 37 years, but I’d only tell you if you really
wanted to know”. I haven’t forced my point on them, you see — I’ve made
them ask me to reveal more. So I then mention that livestock farming is a
major source of deforestation and consumer of fresh water, and if they show
surprise at that I’ll ping them a link to the documentary “Cowspiracy”.
“Though that can’t really be my reason,” I’ll soften it by saying, “Cos I fly so
much I’ve created more global gases than average!” On diet, I make sure I
only claim that I feel great, but I’m no dietician and a good diet can come in
many forms; then I bring in a few themes from the documentary “Forks Over
Knives” and shoot them the link to that. Again I can soften it with, “Eating
wild salmon from time to time can’t be too bad, I just don’t do it from habit”.
If I’ve sown some curiosity, then likely they’ll end up watching one of the
many great documentaries on the subject and reaching their own
conclusions.
Note that any time I meet resistance, I give them nothing to battle against:
Note that any time I meet resistance, I give them nothing to battle against:
“Yes well I’m no expert, scientists still haven’t figured out everything, and
yes, the Japanese do live long and eat fish.” The technique of no resistance
works like judo, where you let your body absorb your opponent’s full force,
making them overbalance and fall into the throw you choose.
I hope I haven’t annoyed too many omnivorous readers of this book. Don’t
worry, I’m not after you to change your diet, and I’m definitely not ordering
you to watch any documentaries. I just wanted to share my subjective
experience of persuasion through a concrete example of an issue close to
me.
And now, what are your hot-button issues? Take some time out to identify
and think about them, and work on the way you can present them better to
people and even get their agreement more often. Remember the steps
above, and follow them.
How To Be Funny
I remember being desperately unfunny. I don’t think I ever made someone
even crack a smile right from my angst-ridden teens until I was twenty-five.
Then, when I hit twenty-eight, it happened. I got halfway through a date with
this vision of allure when she had to stop and tell me her cheeks were
hurting, she was laughing so hard.
This all arose out of my becoming great friends with a guy named Alex Kay,
the once and future funniest guy I’ve met. I used to hang with him almost
every day and somehow his sense of humour just rubbed off on me. I’m not
as funny as Alex, but I do have a percentage of his skills. Where he instantly
comes up with the perfect joke for his immediate context, I’ll come up with
one half as good a few seconds later. Still, that’s enough: I can make people
laugh hard. So thank you, thank you, Alex Kay! But humour, you don’t exactly
learn. The few books I read on the subject might have helped, and certainly I
get a bit funnier after watching some comedy shows or Stand-Up.
Meanwhile, one shortcut is this: catch yourself a hilarious friend and just
hang out, letting their worldview sink into you.
However, we’re dealing in specifics here: the specifics of a good
conversation, of connecting, and now the fine points of humour too. So
we’ve taken a good, analytical look at what makes us laugh, and when you’ve
grasped this structure then you can just fit its various elements to your
situation, or your companions, of any moment. Let’s take a look at some
different types of humour:
► Self-deprecation
Self-deprecation means belittling or disparaging yourself, which
either creates humour or diffuses social tension. As a tool it’s easy
to grasp and use, but be careful, because this is actually a difficult
one. You need to not overuse it or choose the wrong subject for it.
Lots of us overuse self-deprecation and that’s when it becomes
uncomfortable and not at all funny for the other person, as then it
just seems like your attempt to cover low self-esteem. Say for
instance you’re self-deprecating about your last three business
start-ups failing: “Oh I should start a business doing that – Oh,
hang on, forgot: all my businesses tank!” No — your companion
can’t really laugh at that. So instead, choose an element the other
person can comfortably chuckle at, like these:
Being pale: I’m so pale that in Jamaica they were calling me
Casper.
Age, in a non-bitter way: My 70th birthday’s coming up and
I’ve always wanted to try … sky-diving.
Not being able to swim: On that cruise I’ll just wear the life
jacket 24/7, even when I sleep.
So pick nothing too personal, just choose a slight weakness.
Mention it in a way that shows you’re cool with it, and don’t have
any major insecurity there.
Don’t choose areas your companion can’t laugh at, such as:
Having a serious illness.
Losing a limb.
Death and bereavement.
Things you are genuinely or profoundly sad and upset about.
► Teasing and Mischaracterizing Your Companion
Teasing is an attractive social quality, but it doesn’t work if you
tease people about anything that’s slightly true. Take someone
who’s always taking breaks at the office – “Oh skiving off again …
tut tut!” is a joke with a jagged barb, as it’s potentially your real
opinion of them. On the other hand, your company workaholic who
comes in early and leaves late can be chaffed about “coming in
early to play World of Warcraft” or “using the company servers to
early to play World of Warcraft” or “using the company servers to
mine Bitcoins”, and that’ll be fine. Accusing an ex-con of wanting to
steal things? Not funny. A goody-goody with a big handbag, using
it to steal office supplies? Perfect. So we can tease tall people
about being too short, athletic people about being lazy, punctual
people about being late, and so forth.
MISSION
Think of three people you know who have a strong positive quality:
truthful, hard-working, faithful, moderate drinker, A-student. And now
think how you can twist their qualities into a behaviour or motivation that
would be the opposite.
► Exaggeration
When you’re in a close or comfortable relationship with someone,
you can use exaggeration. And also if the person isn’t sensitive,
then you can exaggerate. Make sure, though: if he’s a bad driver he
may be touchy about it, or he may not. When we’re sure that he’s
not – because he freely admits it and jokes about it himself, then
maybe we can exaggerate it for comic effect. Or if she’s the
nervous type but is also open and fine about that, then saying, “If
you dropped that apple she’d have a panic attack” will most likely
be fine too. There is a little risk here – however, being free to make
this kind of joke is (in Anglo-Saxon culture) often a sign that we’re
genuinely close to someone.
► Ludicrousness and Parody
Some of the best jokes are when we have a surprising twist to the
expected. They think they know what you are going to say, since
the response is quite universal, but you surprise them with a twist.
“What happened with that guy, did you meet him?”
“Yeah met him for a date yesterday, he’s just after sex and can’t
stop talking about himself … but he did have some bad points too”.
“My friend is terrible, she keeps getting drunk and sleeping with
random guys”
random guys”
“Sounds awful … can I have her number?”
“Do you smoke?”
“No”
“Well why not? You should really think about starting!”
CONCLUSION
A Final Message to You
First I want to thank you for purchasing this book and second, to
congratulate you. You might not think it’s much of an achievement but
actually, it is. I certainly know that most people who are unsatisfied in life or
want to improve their lot, end up doing nothing. They succumb to laziness
and diffidence and they never change. Their only solace is that they can
forever moan and blame external factors. You are not one of these people –
you have already taken some positive action.
If you think about it, you now have a very powerful repertoire of approaches
and techniques to use across the full panorama of your life. In fact, I hope
that you’ve even found yourself thinking about new applications I haven’t
even mentioned. Starting right now, you have the tools to meet any person in
any situation, to comfortably connect and make friends, to master dating and
romance, and wield power over your entire social life. If you’re feeling a new
sense of control over your destiny, then I have fully achieved my goal. And if
you’ve taken away a few great ideas that have made it well worth reading the
book, then I’ll settle for that too.
The key to all success in social interaction, as I’m sure you’ve noticed,
comes back to making other human beings feel good and giving them what
they rightfully want. In a selfish world, the person who lives by this credo will
stand out and, perhaps ironically, will prosper greatly. Be good, be honest,
be thoughtful. Give a lot and you will end up happier, surrounded by exactly
the people you need and want.
As for me, I’m left feeling that I’d love to hear your thoughts on the book. I
personally read every review written publicly and every email that is sent to
me, and I’m so proud when I see that you have enjoyed or benefited from
what I’ve written. I especially love the success stories of fellow humans who
have made changes and become happier as a result of knowledge I’ve
shared.
Finally, I also want to congratulate you on getting all the way to this page —
to the end! You have endurance and staying power! For sure it’s not War
and Peace, but I do know that most books purchased these days stay tight
and Peace, but I do know that most books purchased these days stay tight
on our bookshelves, virtual or real, and never get opened. I really do believe
you show the personal qualities like perseverance that reflect a good
character.
One final thing I want to suggest. That is, if you haven’t taken any concrete
social action during the time you were reading this book, make some plans
right now before you do anything else. Assuming you read the book because
you want to be better, knowledge is the essential pre-requisite, but for
lasting change you need to take action: I know it can be hard and as I’ve
said, we need to overcome our inertia and some fear of the unknown. But I
am sure we can agree that only great and brave things will come from all our
small, but decisive leaps of faith.