ANGER MANAGEMENT Course Description If you have been at the mercy of the negative consequences that result from mishandled anger, Anger Management 101 will provide relief. This insightful course is filled with both practical wisdom and application that will end the anger trap for good. Everyone occasionally gets angry and anger is a natural reaction to the things that happen: to you, around you, to someone you care for. Anger is a normal emotion unless the result of your anger is such that your reaction becomes uncontrollable, violent, or destructive. When anger becomes your reaction of choice to even the most minor of situations, or if you find yourself lashing out unnecessarily at people you love, respect, or care for, your anger may be spiraling out of control. Out of control anger can lead to many psychological and emotional issues, as well as many difficulties with your career, important relationships, and friendships. This course will provide the information you will need to end the anger cycle and live up to your true potential. We will discuss these topics: What are Various forms of Anger What are the Responses to Anger How to Control Anger Developing Empathy Passive Aggressive Behaviors Stress Factors Anger in Relationships Professional Help Resources Breathing and Relaxation Exercises LESSONS Lesson 1 - The Basics of Anger Anger is a normal, natural emotion, and without it we would be less able to defend ourselves when needed. However, our physical reaction to anger, and the way we express anger, can sometimes become a problem. Lesson 2 - Area Responses to Anger Anger is an emotion that elicits responses from three areas: physical, physiological, and cognitive. Lesson 3 - Identifying Anger Recognizing your anger requires you to do a little self-exploration to determine what kinds of things make you angry, how you have been taught to handle anger, and why you feel provoked to anger in certain circumstances. Lesson 4 - Controlling Anger Repressing anger is not the same as calming yourself in a positive way and working through your anger. Repressed anger can manifest itself in both psychological and physical ways and can cause stress, high blood pressure, and frustration. Lesson 5 - Developing Empathy Empathy is having the ability to feel or understand what someone else is feeling. By developing your ability to feel empathy, you may be able to diffuse your anger and angry reactions, because you will understand what the other person is feeling. Lesson 6 - Passive Aggressive Behavior Passive aggressive behavior is a coping mechanism that people use to handle their anger. On the outside, they seem friendly, cooperative, and willing, but on the inside, they are seething and resort to sabotage. Lesson 7 - Stress Stress is the mental and physical reaction to the daily pressures of life. The relationship between stress and anger is undeniable. There are things you can do to reduce stress both mentally and physically. Lesson 8 - Anger in Key Relationships The people we love the most are often the ones who anger us the most. We can have angry feelings toward parents, children, siblings, and spouses. Open communication is the most important way to handle anger in your closest relationships. Lesson 9 - Professional Help Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we are unable to handle anger on our own. When that happens, seek a licensed professional counselor or anger management therapist to help you learn effective ways to manage your anger. Lesson 10 - Breathing and Relaxation Exercises Breathing exercises can make you dizzy or lightheaded, so be careful and use caution. If a specific exercise recommends sitting to perform it, it is important that you comply. The Basics of Anger Introduction Everyone occasionally gets angry, and anger is a reaction to the things that happen: to you, around you, or to someone you care for. Anger is a normal, natural emotion – unless the result of your anger is such that your reaction becomes uncontrollable, violent, or destructive. When anger becomes your reaction of choice to even the most minor of situations, or if you find yourself lashing out unnecessarily at people you love, respect, or care for, your anger may be spiraling out of control. Out-of-control anger can lead to many psychological and emotional issues, as well as many difficulties with your career, important relationships, and friendships. What Is Anger? Anger is an emotional state that occurs when unexpected things happen to you, or around you, that you don't like. The feelings you have can be as mild as annoyance, and as extreme as fury and rage. The American Heritage dictionary describes anger as "a strong feeling of displeasure or hostility," and explains that the word itself is rooted in a Middle English word "angr," that meant sorrow. Anger is a very subjective emotion. What makes one person angry may not bother another person at all. There are three basic types of anger that psychologists recognize as being different emotional states. The first is a defense mechanism that occurs when we feel threatened or trapped. The second form of anger exists as a reaction to the interpretation of events in which we believe that we are deliberately being harmed or being treated unfairly. The last type of anger is the irritable, sullen anger more closely associated to personality than to emotion. Basically, anger is the emotional response you feel when your expectations are not met. It might be an unmet expectation that people will do the "right" thing (like return your wallet, money intact, when you lose it in a restaurant or at the mall); or that people will do things the "right" way (like when you asked your son to wash the car and he didn't rinse off the soap and you had to re-wash it yourself, but you didn't discover it right away so there was more work involved). It might be an expectation that you will have a good day, that traffic will flow smoothly – and then you get caught behind a 14-car pileup on the freeway. It may even be an expectation that you have of yourself -- expecting yourself to be able to do a certain specific task or perform a certain function, and then when you are unable to perform at the level you expected of yourself, you become angry. Whenever the expectation we have in our minds for a particular outcome is not met, we can become angry. The emotion of anger is simply the feeling or psychological response we have to the unmet expectation, or disappointment, or perceived threat. Our reaction to the feeling, however, can cause us to act inappropriately toward other people, or even toward objects. (Have you ever punched a wall or thrown something across a room when you're mad? That is the reaction to anger.) Many times, people do not realize they are angry until it is too late -- when they are saying horrible things to someone whom they love, or behaving violently toward someone.Some people will not realize anger has done any damage until well after the reaction they have had, when they are dealing with the consequences of the action (like getting arrested for domestic violence, or brawling in a pub). Part of anger management is learning to recognize the feeling of anger before the reaction to anger happens. What Causes Anger? The emotion of anger can be set off by both internal and external triggers. Internal triggers may include reactions to things you may already be sensitive about, like being teased. External triggers are things beyond your control that don't happen in the way they should. Certain situations can make you angry – particularly when you feel like you have no control over circumstances (you show up for a doctor's appointment you've been waiting to go to for more than a month, and when you get there, the doctor has been called away to surgery).People can make you angry. Even memories can make you angry. Anger is an instinctual emotion that can cause an aggressive urge. It is a completely normal response; it is an ancient part of our defense mechanism that allowed us to survive, adapt, and defend, making it a necessary survival instinct.Anger is a completely normal and natural feeling to have. However, inappropriate anger response is often the cause of altercations, run-ins with police, domestic violence issues, and other less favorable outcomes. Sometimes, our behavior when we're angry becomes a comfortable habit – a feeling we are used to having. We recognize the feeling of anger, without even realizing we are angry, and react in a habitual, but unhealthy way without stopping to think about what it was that made us angry, or why. Part of anger management and taking an anger management course is to learn to stop that habit of reaction. Understanding what causes you to become angry is one of the first things you can do to understand how to control your reaction to feeling anger. Everyone's anger thresholds are different as are the situations and experiences that make them angry. Summary Anger is a normal, natural emotion, and without it we would be less able to defend ourselves when needed. However, our physical reaction to anger and the way we express anger can become a problem for some. Anger management helps people learn how to recognize and control their reactions to anger. Area Responses to Anger Introduction Anger is more than just an emotion or an instinctual response. In fact, anger actually causes fundamental changes to our physiology and psychology when we are experiencing it. However, before you can learn to identify anger (and therefore control it), you need to understand the many different ways in which it can affect you. This chapter will cover the psychological, physiological, and cognitive responses your body has when you are experiencing feelings of anger. History of Anger Study There are volumes of work by a number of psychologists on the subject of anger. All of them attempt to explain the psychology of anger – why anger happens and what it does to us. Basically, anger is part of the ancient fight or flight response to the perception of pain, stemming from early man, who had to fight to survive. Sigmund Freud known as the father of psychology, believed that anger was an emotional development stemming from the anal stage. Freud's psychoanalysis dealt with different stages of development and was mostly based on sexual development and repression. The anal stage had much to do with control (or lack of it). Seneca, an ancient Roman philosopher from 45 B.C., broke down anger management into three parts. First you must find ways to avoid becoming angry in the first place. Second, you must learn how to stop your angry feelings when you have them. Last of all, you need to learn how to express your angry feelings to others in an appropriate way. He was truly wise, for all these years later, we use the same basic model. Physical Response to Anger When an animal in the wild (or even a house cat) becomes angry because of a perceived threat, it growls or hisses, shows its teeth, and attempts to seem more threatening. The human response to anger is very similar, in that the response is designed to make the perceived threat stop and go away. (You are teasing me and I want you to stop, so I am going to lash out at you or threaten to hurt you because I don't want to feel this way anymore). Unfortunately, like with everything in the human mind, anger in humans tends to be more complicated than in the animal world. Humans are often doing more than just protecting themselves against threats. The psychological response to anger stems from the physiological response. The hormones surge through your body, and you begin to feel a heightened sense of power and energy. Unfortunately, that same psychological response that saved us from the saber-toothed tiger when we lived in caves, is also the cause of a lack of reason, clarity, and judgment when not managed properly today. When you become angry and lose control, you often feel justified in your reaction, because you are not capable of logically thinking through the effects of your actions once you stop controlling the anger. Physiological Response to Anger It's sometimes very easy to see when someone is angry. Sometimes you can see it in the facial expression; even children know how to draw an angry face by narrowing the eyebrows and pointing them down toward the nose. It's not just the eyebrows, though -- your skin turns red from a rush of blood, your nostrils may flare out, and your jaw may clench. The body releases hormones that tense the muscles, as if the body is preparing for battle. You will see people who are angry stand up straighter and more squarely. It's an instinctual preparation for attack and defense. All of these physical actions make you feel more invulnerable. Your body physically responds to all of your emotions; when you are sad, your shoulders droop, your heart rate slows, your face frowns – you cry. When you are happy, your body produces surges of serotonin, you smile, your energy levels increase, and you feel more confident. When you are angry, your body experiences a surge of hormones similar to those you experience when scared or threatened: adrenaline and noradrenaline. These hormones are produced as part of the fight-or-flight response to danger. The physiological experience of anger can be quite disturbing, leaving you with a pounding heart, a dry mouth, and a shaky feeling. Cognitive Response to Anger Humans differentiate themselves from the rest of the animal kingdom by their cognitive functions – their higher thought processes concerning their instinctual responses. It is these cognitive responses that keep psychologists and psychiatrists in business, particularly when it comes to the more complicated emotions like anger, love, and jealousy! People are capable of having both conscious and unconscious cognitive responses to anger. There are three main cognitive responses to anger, which are the thinking choices behind how we respond to anger: expressing your anger, suppressing your anger, and calming your anger. There are healthy ways to express anger and unhealthy ways to express anger. Healthy expression of anger happens when you are capable of discussing the way you feel in an open and healthy communication. Anger can also be suppressed either in a healthy way, or an unhealthy way. Suppression of anger by means of a calculated redirection of your energy can be healthy, but suppressing anger by "stuffing" it inside can lead to high blood pressure, increased stress, depression -- and yes, more anger. Summary Anger is an emotion that elicits responses from three areas. There is a psychological response to anger, causing a heightened sense of power, but a lack of reason, clarity, and judgment; a physiological response that causes a surge of adrenaline, an increased heart rate, and other physical manifestations; and a cognitive response, where you either express or repress your anger, or calm yourself. Identifying Anger Introduction Before you can learn to control your anger and your cognitive reactions to feeling angry, you must first be able to identify when you are angry. This means paying attention, not only to your feelings, but to the signals your body is giving you in terms of the physiological signs of anger (most of which we don't notice until long after we've acted regrettably). This chapter will explore ways you can learn to identify anger and anger triggers. Recognizing Anger Anger is not a problem; it is a normal emotional response. It is how people handle the emotion of anger that becomes the problem. Recognizing anger is the first step in helping someone who uses violence or other destructive methods of dealing with anger to change the way anger makes them act. You cannot change the way anger makes you feel – but you can change how you respond to the feelings. The first signs of anger are physical: tension, a tightening of muscles, a "pit of the stomach" feeling. You might feel cold or break out in a sweat. Your heart will pound and your breathing may change (fast, shallow breaths). You may even experience a headache. Most likely, all of these things will happen without you noticing anything more than being MAD. Many times, we begin to react to the physical feelings of anger before thinking about what a rational response would be. Other people may shut down completely and internalize the anger. Most of us develop habits for the way we deal with anger. When you teach yourself to recognize the physical signs of anger, you can train your mind to control your response – you can pause your overt reaction and allow yourself time to reason – with yourself and with others later. If you are prone to violence or have already had anger control problems, you can recognize the physical symptoms of anger as a cue for you to take a time-out. If you tend to internalize anger in an unhealthy way, you can use the physical cues to help you recognize the need to express your feelings. If you have a problem with anger – if you react to anger with violence, or with self-destructive habits – it can be helpful for you to do a self-assessment of anger in your life. Step One: Think about the examples you have seen in your life about how to handle anger. Did your parents constantly over-react to things that made them angry? Was your childhood home a place of tension and frustration? Did you withdraw, or did you lash out? What about other influential people in your life? Have you incorporated reactions to anger into your life from the various behaviors that you witnessed? Did you receive messages from your parents about the expression of anger? Was it OK or not OK to express anger in your home? Did you have a "voice?" Step Two: Think about things that seem to trigger your anger (or your over-reaction to the emotion of anger). Do certain things seem to "set you off?" Does it only happen when you drink too much? Do you get angry when you feel rejected, teased, or ridiculed? Do certain behaviors make you angry (perceived thoughtlessness, being ignored)? Step Three: Once you identify the things that cause your anger, you will be able to work on finding rational solutions. The old-fashioned idea that anger should be completely expressed all the time because it is unhealthy to hold it in is simply not true. In fact, always expressing your anger, especially if you have negative or violent ways of expressing your anger, can actually lead to more violent expressions of anger as time goes on. On the other hand, always repressing your anger is no better – repressing your anger means you are not dealing with the things that cause your anger, so they will keep repeating. Either style of handling anger will result in more long-term issues. The best solution is to identify the causes of your anger and remove them, if possible, or work through the issues that cause your particular set of anger reactions. Emotion versus Action The most important thing that you can do when you are working on anger management skills is to recognize that the feeling you feel when you are angry and your physical response to anger (lashing out, hitting, violence, withdrawing) are separate things. You can unlearn the habit of your reaction to angry feelings, even when you cannot completely eradicate the feeling of anger from your life. You can learn better ways of reacting to your angry feelings that are not as damaging to you and others. Irrational Thinking and Anger Sometimes, without even realizing it, we become victims of our own thought processes and develop an angry response, even when there is no real need to be angry. Have you ever seen people who seem to be angry all the time? A lot of times, anger has simply become the emotion they are most used to experiencing. They may not even know why they are angry, but it has become a comfortable emotion for them. It happens with other emotions, too. There are a few people out there who are always happy – and they're probably making you even angrier. Unfortunately, getting stuck in the habit of anger is really quite damaging. It is possible to change your approach to the things that cause your anger, and to reduce your emotional response. Often, our life experiences create defense mechanisms that cause us to use anger as a way of protecting ourselves, like a shield. If you have been picked on as a child, you may decide that other people's words belittle you. You may – even subconsciously – create an angry response that causes you to lash out with violent words and actions whenever you perceive that you are being teased or bullied. Not only can you train yourself to realize that what other people say about you does not actually impact who you are, but you can recognize that you may have developed an over-sensitive nature to this particular type of situation. Have you ever been accused of being too touchy? Or have people seemed surprised that what they said, either in jest or otherwise, bothered you as much as it did? If so, you should take the time to examine your past and determine whether or not you have unresolved issues about other experiences that you are carrying with you. You do not become what others say about you. By training yourself to be conscious of the fact the others cannot dictate who you are, you can diffuse your angry reaction to being teased or belittled. It is possible that you have an expectation that things will go the way you want them to, and when they do not, you may have a habit of getting angry. This may have become a lifelong habit for you, something developed over a long time. Perhaps it even stemmed from your parents' attitudes and expectations. Retrain yourself to realize that, while it is OK to shape your world the way you want to, you are not always in control of the environment around you. You can only control your choices, not the choices of others. When you learn to recognize and let go of irrational expectations, it can lessen your anger. If other people tend to be the source of your anger, likely it is because of the way you perceive their behavior toward you. You may have adopted an attitude that others should not frustrate you, that you are entitled to live a life free of frustration. Unfortunately, while we would all like life to be that way, frustration with others is something you cannot escape, unless you choose to remove yourself from society. You can, however, escape your own (perhaps unrealistic) demand that everyone must meet your specific expectations. By changing your own perception and realizing that life will give you obstacles, even when you don't want them, you will be more prepared for them when they come and less likely to overreact. If you tend to keep your anger inside and pretend that everything is ok, you may have been raised to think that anger is bad, evil, or punishable. You may repress your feelings, or feel very uncomfortable expressing them. You might turn your angry feelings inward and not deal with them, or express your anger in less obvious ways (see the chapter on passive aggressive behavior). It is important for people who tend to repress their anger in these ways to understand that anger is simply an emotion, no different than the other emotions we experience. It is not good or bad; it is not something to be ignored or dwelt upon. It is just another emotion that must be dealt with, and your goal should be learning to deal with it in the most effective, healthy way possible. It is important to learn how to be assertive enough to protect yourself without being reactionary or violent. Summary Before you can learn to manage your anger and your reaction to having the emotion, you must learn to recognize it. Recognizing your anger requires you to do a little self-exploration to determine what kinds of things make you angry, how you have been taught to handle anger, as well as why you feel provoked to anger in certain circumstances. Once you understand what the potential triggers are that cause your anger, you can teach yourself to recognize the feeling before you begin reacting, and start retraining yourself to react with less volatility to situations. Controlling Anger Introduction It may seem as though this is repeated a lot, but it is an important piece of knowledge to reiterate: Anger is a completely normal emotional feeling provoked by certain experiences, events, or perceived unmet expectations. It is typically a person's response to feeling angry that gets out of control, not the feeling itself. Learning to control your anger, and learning how to have a healthy habit of expressing your anger in a positive, effective way is a good thing to know. This chapter will explore why it is difficult for some people to express anger, healthy ways to express your anger, the importance of forgiveness, and tips for handling anger. Repressing Anger Repressing anger (denying or ignoring your feelings and the things that cause them) can have damaging effects. Not only do you not deal with whatever is causing you to feel angry, but you turn the emotion inward on yourself. This inward turn of your emotion can cause physical and mental issues: stress, high blood pressure, indigestion, and other physical ailments. While the type of person who explodes at every little frustration is one extreme of the anger control spectrum, the type of person who represses all outward signs of feeling anger can be considered the other. It is important to find ways to express yourself – calmly and effectively – when you are angry. Healthy Ways to Express Anger Your response to anger is most likely one you learned. If you saw your parents throwing things, screaming, slamming things down, or withdrawing, you may have subconsciously picked up on the behaviour as a way to deal with your own anger. Perhaps you saw your mother or father withdraw and not express his or her anger. Maybe you were even the target of unresolved anger. Anger management is a tool you can use. Anger management is all about learning how to express your anger in a healthy way. It is not about trying to prevent you from expressing anger, and it is not about vilifying anger at all. Anger management is about learning how to recognize anger, what causes it, and how to express it. As you learn how to manage your own anger, you will be able to teach your children better anger management practices. The younger your children are when they learn how to express their anger constructively, the more successful they will be in managing anger throughout their lives. Healthy expression starts with knowing that you are angry by recognizing the physical and mental cues to your anger. It may seem easy, but we so often mask our real feelings, it is not always that easy to recognize. It is ok and important to acknowledge your angry feelings. It is important to say – out loud or to yourself, "I feel angry." It is important to be able to recognize your anger, own it, and express it. Expressing your anger effectively does not mean getting out of your car in the middle of traffic and punching the guy who cut you off. Expressing anger is more about finding an appropriate outlet for your emotions, whether that's writing in a journal, getting more physical exercise, or talking to someone. If you know you tend to react inappropriately when you feel anger, you have to begin by recognizing the physical signs of anger and teaching yourself to react in a very specific way to that recognition: Force yourself to count to 10 when you begin to feel angry. Then take a few deep, calming breaths. Think about what is causing the anger. Are your own expectations getting in the way? To express your anger effectively, tell the person how you feel, what happened to make you feel that way, and why it makes you feel the way it does. Speak calmly, talk about your own personal feelings, do not attack, and do not make assumptions. Seneca suggests that we not speak until we stop to think about what the exact source of irritation is. He also encourages giving people the benefit of the doubt: Wait to determine whether or not they were truly intending to hurt you, be empathetic toward the person by trying to understand why he or she would behave the way they did, and recognize whether or not you had any part or responsibility in what happened. Seneca also recommends that you should not react quickly. Most psychologists and philosophers will agree that the process of controlling anger is something that should begin when you are a child, but it is never too late to change the nature of the way you think. The Power of Forgiveness Sometimes we get angry about a perceived injury. Someone says or does something that hurts us, and we become angry. Rather than dealing with, or letting go of that anger, we hold on to it. In some cases, we even feed it and stoke the anger like we might stoke a fire. Learning to forgive others can be a powerful tool in diffusing your own anger. Holding on to your anger does not actually hurt the other person nearly as much as it hurts you to hold on to it. It is also important to remember that forgiveness does not mean that you are approving of what the other person did – far from it! In fact, forgiveness is a way that you can acknowledge – to yourself as much as anyone else – how you have been injured by the other person, while still being able to move on from the experience and walk away from it. You may feel the need to forgive someone who has hurt you. If you are dwelling on something or regretting the loss of a relationship, or if you are angry or depressed about it, it may be time to reach out and forgive. Realize that forgiving someone is not a guarantee that your relationship will be reconciled -- and do not give your forgiveness just to try to make something like that happen. Forgiving someone should be all about you releasing the pain you have been holding on to and not as much about the person you are forgiving. Stress Talk about a double-whammy! Anger can cause you to feel stress, and having stress in your life can cause you to not handle your anger as well. In fact, high levels of stress can cause so many negative effects that it is an important focus, even without the need for anger management. Have you ever noticed that when you are experiencing stressful events in your life that you over-react to things that make you angry more often, and that you get angry at things that perhaps wouldn't typically make you angry at all? You yell at the kids more; you fight with your spouse more. When you are feeling stressed out, you may even get more angry when driving, working, or dealing with strangers. While stress is something we all experience, handling stress effectively can help you manage your anger as well. One of the best ways to handle stress is to be physically active or to have a physical outlet for dealing with stress – some form of regular exercise. Other great ways to de-stress include breathing exercises (deep inhaling and belly breathing), relaxation exercises (meditation, yoga), and talking to someone (a friend, a partner, a counselor). See more about stress in Lesson 7. Tips for Handling Anger Effectively Learn to recognize your body's anger signals, both physical and mental. Reflect on your life and get to know the things that trigger your anger. Train yourself to take a deep breath and/or count to 10 before reacting. Recognize your own unrealistic expectations. Think about what unrealistic expectations you have, and how they might have played a part in your anger. Admit your anger – to yourself, to others – but do it constructively. Refrain from striking out in anger – physically or verbally. Tell the person who made you angry how you feel and why. Use "I" not "you" when you describe your feelings. Do not accuse. Incorporate de-stressing tools into your daily life, including physical exercise, breathing and relaxation techniques, and writing in a journal. Summary Repressing anger is not the same as calming yourself in a positive way and working through your anger. Repressed anger can manifest itself in both psychological and physical ways and can cause stress, high blood pressure, and frustration. Expressing your anger can be done in a healthy way; it is ok to admit when you are angry – to yourself and to the person who made you angry, but it is also important to recognize when your own unrealistic expectations are the cause of your anger and how to manage your expectations. Forgiveness, reducing stress, and learning to manage your expectations can help you manage your anger. Remember, anger management is about learning to express your anger in a healthy way, not to deny you the right to feel angry. Developing Empathy Introduction Empathy means being able to understand how another person feels. Developing empathy can allow you to more successfully manage your anger, because it brings you closer to understanding the other side of the anger equation. Empathy is not something you are born with, but there are ways to develop empathy. In this lesson, we will explore why empathy is important, and how to develop a strong sense of empathy in order to diffuse angry feelings. What Is Empathy? Empathy is having the ability to put yourself in another person's shoes, so to speak, and to understand what they might be feeling, thinking, or experiencing. It is not magical; it is not about reading minds, and it is not a skill you are born with. Empathy is something that is learned. Maybe you started learning empathy as a child, when your mother said, "Think about how that makes your sister feel." Sometimes, it is easy to feel empathy – especially if we can identify with the experience someone is having. Other times, being empathetic can be incredibly difficult, especially when we feel completely disconnected from the other person. How Empathy Diffuses Anger Feeling empathetic toward others helps diffuse anger by allowing you to focus on something other than the angry emotion you are feeling. It allows you to put your attention in a different direction, a direction that brings you closer to the person with whom you are angry instead of further apart. When you understand how the other person might feel or what it might be like to be on their side of an argument -- or even when you begin to understand what underlying experiences they have had to make them who they are, your anger toward them is diffused as your understanding of them increases. Empathy is something that is taught to people who work in customer service in different industries. Being empathetic works well when you are trying to resolve issues with angry customers, because in attempting to understand what has caused their frustration, they begin to feel like you are paying attention and caring about what they have experienced.Their anger is diffused as you express concern and understanding. You can do the same thing with people and situations that are making you angry; by paying attention to details and trying to understand the other side, you can diffuse your own anger. Developing Empathy You can develop empathy by doing several mental exercises. First of all, you can think about the things that have hurt you or have made you angry. You should realize (tell yourself, if you have to) that you are not that much different than other people, that other people get angry and upset just like you do. Understand that empathy means being able to see things from another's perspective and be willing to try to see things from that perspective. The more you are able to be in touch with your own feelings, the more likely you will be able to be empathetic to others. Practice being empathetic, especially when your own emotions are not raw, by thinking about what it would be like to be the other person, and what they might experience, think about, and feel. There are things that make it very difficult to be empathetic, like when you make assumptions about people and when you generalize, stereotype, or lump people into categories. If you try to lump all of a certain category of people into one descriptive term (i.e., all women are overemotional and sensitive, therefore they are unreasonable), then you will not see the person at whom you are angry as an individual. Instead, you will de-personalize them and see them only as a member of whatever group you placed them in. You must be able to see the person as an individual in order to be able to empathize effectively. Being empathetic will become easier with time and practice. Summary Empathy is having the ability to feel or understand what someone else is feeling. By developing your ability to feel empathy, you may be able to diffuse your anger and angry reactions, because you will understand what the other person is feeling or may be experiencing. Empathy is very important to teach to children. Passive Aggressive Behavior Introduction Some people use coping mechanisms to deal with things in their lives that bother them. One such coping mechanism for anger is passive-aggressive behavior. This lesson explains what passive-aggressive behavior is and why it is not a healthy way to handle anger. What is Passive-Aggressive Behavior? Passive-aggressive behavior is one of the many ways people handle their anger. It is often associated with "hidden" anger. Passive-aggressive behavior is not necessarily a healthy way to handle anger, but it is a coping skill people develop when they are uncomfortable with anger. Typically, if someone has difficulty confronting their own emotions or expressing anger in a healthy way, they develop other ways to communicate their anger more indirectly. Putting people down, critiquing them, and being cynical are all passive-aggressive behaviors. How to Recognize Passive-Aggressive Behavior One of the easiest ways to recognize passive-aggressive behavior is to recognize what is best described as a pattern of obstruction. Often, passive-aggressive people will seem like they are more than willing to help out, do favors, or complete projects – but then, when it comes to actually doing the project, they do whatever was requested of them in a way that is not useful or helpful. For example, if you are passiveaggressive and you are very angry with your boss, you may find yourself showing up late for meetings or doing less than your best work on a project (or even calling in sick at key times) as a way to deliver your message of anger. Unfortunately, you hurt yourself and your co-workers as much as you hurt your boss, and you do not solve the problem because your boss won't even realize you are angry – he or she will just think you have poor performance and you'll be passed over for the promotion or raise. Passive-aggressive behavior results from not wanting to, or not being able to, confront your emotion of anger. Rather than have to talk about what is making you angry, you resort to under-handedly sabotaging the person or circumstance that is making you unhappy. It is a very unhealthy behavior and one that can seriously damage relationships. Checklist for Hidden (Passive) Anger You procrastinate instead of completing things in a timely manner (at work or at home). You are perpetually late or running late for meetings or other engagements. You have a tendency to be sarcastic and flippant in conversations; you appreciate irony and sarcasm. You are the "grin and bear it," "grit your teeth," get it done kind of person with a fake smile on your face. You frequently sigh. People don't know how you feel – they see a smile regardless of what emotion you're experiencing. You control your voice and keep emotions out of it. You suffer from nightmares. You have more than an occasional sleepless night or suffer from insomnia. You are bored or apathetic about your life. You experience tiredness to the point of exhaustion. You are irritable even when it's over small matters. You are sleeping more than usual but still feel tired. You grind your teeth or clench your jaws, especially at night. You have tension in your back, neck, and shoulders. You suffer from depression or have a great deal of unexplained sadness. You suffer from indigestion or stomach ulcers. Checklist for Aggressive Anger It's called passive-aggressive for a reason. The other side of passive-aggressive behavior is the aggressive side of it. You may alter between the two sides or be completely to one side or the other. Aggressive Anger Making threats or telling people you will harm them or kill them Making gestures like flipping people off or shaking your fist Honking repeatedly in traffic Tailgating and other "road rage" patterns Slamming doors Telling offensive jokes Breaking promises or purposely embarrassing someone Using foul language Hitting Yelling at people Throwing or breaking things Hurting animals Recklessly driving Abusing alcohol or drugs Pushing or shoving Blaming others for your mistakes Speaking too quickly Spitting when speaking Intimidating people Running someone off the road with your car Preying on people's weaknesses Changing Your Patterns of Passive-Aggressive Behavior There are several things you can do in order to change your unhealthy patterns of passive-aggressive behavior: Recognize when you feel angry and allow yourself to be honest about your anger. Be assertive and open about your feelings.Tell people when they have made you angry. Warn people that you tend to behave this way so that they are able to watch your body language for signs that what you say and what you feel are different; ask them to clarify when they see the difference in message. Recognize for yourself when you are behaving in a way that is inconsistent with how you are feeling and try to stop the behavior. Tell yourself that it is ok to have disagreements, to say no, and to tell others when they make you angry. Learn to compromise. It's not black and white; it's not always his way or your way. Try to find comfortable middle ground from which you can comfortably express yourself. Summary Passive-aggressive behavior is a coping mechanism that people use to handle their anger. On the outside, they seem friendly and cooperative and willing, but on the inside they are seething and resort to sabotage. Passive-aggressive behavior often exhibits itself in relationships and on the job, especially when there is a power differential. (You are uncomfortable telling your boss he makes you angry, so instead you fume inside and consciously or subconsciously sabotage your department's goals). This kind of behavior can be redirected; it starts with recognizing when you are angry. Learn to communicate more openly about how you feel; tell people that what you say and how you behave may be incongruous and ask them to watch for that. Recognize that your passive-aggressive tendencies are a detriment to your relationships and to your own ability to recognize and manage your anger. Stress Introduction The relationship between anger and stress is very strong. Stress can make a person react much more violently to a set of circumstances that they would otherwise have had little or no reaction to. This lesson will explore what stress is, and the kinds of health concerns it brings, as well as teach you how to de-stress. What is Stress? Stress is an emotional (and sometimes physical) reaction to the pressures of life. Whenever we feel like we cannot accomplish what we need to – be it a lack of time, money, or skill – we feel stress. Stress can be a good thing – it keeps us motivated and gives us bursts of energy when we need them. However, too much stress, and chronic stress, can be very bad for our health and our ability to manage our anger reactions effectively. There are certain major life events that can overload your stress: changing or losing jobs, experiencing a death in the family, moving or relocating, having a baby, and getting married. When you experience one or more of these events, your stress levels can be extremely high, ultimately making it difficult to manage both your level of stress and your anger reactions. The mental symptoms of stress include: tension, irritability, lack of concentration, sleeplessness, and being tired or depressed. Your body can have physical symptoms of stress as well, including: indigestion, heartburn, heart palpitations, sweating, tense and tight muscles, and a dry mouth. Risks of Stress Stress stems from the ancient "fight or flight" response humans had in order to stay alive when they were living in caves and fighting saber-toothed tigers. While stress can be occasionally useful in today's society, it mostly has negative effects. Stress has been linked to increased risk of stroke and heart attack, increases in belly fat (from the hormones released with chronic stress that cause the body to layer fat in the abdominal area), and an inability to concentrate or function properly. For someone who is already fighting issues of anger management, increased stress will only make that struggle more difficult. Finding ways to alleviate your stress – and the things that are causing your stress – is critical. Reducing Stress There are many things you can do to fight stress, but your best success will be to take a multi-pronged approach. 1- Eliminate your sources of stress . If you are experiencing financial difficulties, seek debt counseling or other solutions. If you have experienced a death or have another emotional stress, actively work through your grief. See a grief counselor. Join a support group. 2- Reduce your mental stress. Find ways to relax: meditate, do yoga, write in a journal, get together with a friend. Focus on positive thinking and picture yourself succeeding. 3- Reduce your physical stress. Take a walk, go for a jog – even do jumping jacks for 10 minutes. Stress levels can be reduced considerably by introducing physical activity into your daily life. Breathing – deep, cleansing breaths – can actually reduce your level of stress and affect your heart rate and blood pressure. Smiling – even fake smiles – release serotonin into your body, which causes a calming, pleasurable feeling. Summary Stress is the mental and physical reaction to the daily pressures of life. The relationship between stress and anger is undeniable. There are things you can do to reduce stress both mentally and physically. First, identify and reduce your stress triggers. Second, de-stress mentally with meditation, yoga, and writing in a journal. Third, release the physical tension of stress with exercise, deep breathing, and relaxation exercises. Anger in Key Relationships Introduction Anger can be bad, but it can be even worse if your parents, children, or spouse receive the reactions of your anger. More than one marriage has been destroyed by anger. This chapter will discuss anger with spouses, siblings, parents, and children -- and the common stressors in each of these relationships. We will also discuss the importance of good, open communication. Siblings Sibling anger can arise for many reasons. You may have aging parents to care for and feel that a sibling is not helping out as much as they should. Your anger may stem from old childhood rivalries or jealousies. As with any relationship, it is important to discover the cause of the anger. Is there something you need to forgive your sibling for, so that you can move past the anger? Can you find a way to communicate about your angry feelings in an open and respectful way? Think about your expectations of your siblings. Are you expecting things of them without communicating with them about what you want or need? Do you assume that they should know how to help, or what to do, without you clearly expressing it? Siblings run the risk of never being able to live up to the expectations of each other because it is so easy to assume that they should already understand. If you have children and they are exhibiting a lot of symptoms of anger with each other, you, as the parent, have a responsibility to help them. It starts when children are quite little; they fight over toys, they compete for your attention, they are jealous of each other. But siblings do not have to grow up as enemies under the same roof. In fact, some sibling rivalry is normal and healthy , but if it is making it difficult for your family to function and interfering with daily life, then it must be handled. To help your children, talk to them about the fact that it's normal to sometimes feel jealous of their sibling, or frustrated with them. Teach them to express their feelings and to feel comfortable doing so. Most likely, a child suffering from sibling rivalry will be angry. Children don't know how to cope with their anger emotions without guidance from their parents. The biggest thing you can do is to teach your child that they can choose how they behave when they are angry. Help them learn not to lash out or react to their emotions without first pausing to think about why they are angry. Help them be empathetic to their sibling. Demand courtesy and respect between your children. Do not allow them to call names, hit, or be mean to each other. Teach your children that words like "hate" are bad, but that it's ok to say, "I am angry and this is why." The habits you teach your children now will follow them into adulthood. Parents & Children There is probably never more anger in a home than when you have a hot-headed, ready-to-be independent teenager in the house who would rather scream, "I hate you!" than listen to reason. It can make life very stressful. Anger is not reserved for teens, though. There are the terrible twos, threes, fours… What is critical with kids is to make sure they feel safe talking to you. If they think you are going to blow up at everything they say, they may grow angry and resentful and withdraw. It is important that even at a young age children are taught how to handle anger. Empathize with your child when they feel angry and teach them how to react appropriately to things that happen. Help them redirect their anger to positive things. Spouses Anger between spouses can be poison to a family. Studies show that an unhappy marriage leads to depression and can actually affect the long-term health of each spouse. Passiveaggressive tendencies are also more likely within angry marriages. One of the worst problems of angry marriages, when the anger is not properly diffused, is that children pick up on your poor anger management skills and incorporate them into their own personalities. Every couple has occasional problems during the course of their marriage. Arguing is inevitable in marriage, but it is not necessarily a healthy thing. More importantly is how you communicate – during arguments and otherwise. There are certain behaviors that are considered extremely damaging: criticizing your spouse refusing to discuss issues being defensive disrespect or contempt for the other person Not only do these behaviors damage the relationship, but they lead to even worse problems, because those behaviors erode the trust between the two partners and increase anger, frustration, and stress. Sometimes, the way we behave with our spouse feels natural because it's the way we saw our parents behave with each other, but it is important to avoid behaving in ways that will damage your relationship or even, in some cases, destroy it. There are certain behaviors you should avoid: Calling your partner names Criticizing your partner's feelings and opinions Being insensitive Refusing to talk about issues Accusing your partner of things Not letting go of old issues once resolved Not being willing to communicate when you've been hurt or angered Expecting your partner to know how you feel without you telling him or her WARNING: If you are intimidating your partner, becoming physically violent with them, isolating them from family or friends, assaulting them, or withholding money from them…or if you are the victim of this kind of behavior, please, get help now. Contact a counseling professional, a shelter, or another agency in your area that can help. Good Communication Whether it is your child, your spouse, your sibling, or your parent, good communication is the key to handling angry moments effectively. Try to maintain open dialogues and build levels of trust so that when something does happen (and it is bound to happen) that angers you, you feel comfortable explaining to them that you feel angry, what caused the anger, and why it makes you angry. Summary The people we love the most are often also the ones who anger us the most. We can have angry feelings toward parents, children, siblings, and spouses. Open communication is the most important way to handle anger in your closest relationships. Particularly if you have children, how you handle anger now is how you are teaching them to handle it later. Professional Help Introduction Sometimes, our anger gets out of control and we need help learning new habits that will keep our reactions to the emotion of anger in control. This chapter will discuss the signs that anger has gone too far, when it is time to seek professional help, and what professional help can do to help you. Do You Need Professional Help? Do people often tell you that you need to calm down or chill out? Do you feel like tension is a constant companion? Do you have a tendency to "bite your tongue" rather than say what you're thinking? Do you ignore your feelings, particularly if you are mad, by going to sleep, watching TV, or reading? Are you turning to alcohol or drugs as a way to soothe yourself? Are you having trouble sleeping at night? Do you feel like no one understands you? Do you swear more often than you should? Are your close relationships suffering? Have your friends started avoiding you? If you answer yes to more than two of these questions, you may find some benefit in anger management counselling. If you said yes to more than five of these questions, you should definitely seek out counseling very soon. Signs of Out-of-Control Anger Most likely, if your anger is out of control, you already know it. Perhaps the police have visited you because of a domestic dispute that got out of hand; maybe you have a tendency to get into fights more often than most. Perhaps people are intimidated by you, or you are always yelling. It is important that you realize when your anger is out of control before you end up paying for it with time in jail, lost jobs, or lost relationships. Signs of out-of-control anger that you should be aware of (if you experience more than a couple of these regularly, you should consider seeking help): Frequent outbursts of emotion Yelling or screaming at people Throwing things Hitting or punching Getting into loud arguments or fights Breaking things When to Seek Professional Help Any time you feel you might hurt someone you should seek professional help to assist you in managing your anger. If you are suffering negative consequences as a result of your anger management – things like having trouble at work, not getting along with your family, losing loved ones, getting in trouble with the law, or having friends avoid you – you should seek help from a therapist or anger management specialist. There are actually tests available that can measure how angry you get … but if you have a problem with anger, you probably do not need a test to confirm it for you. You probably already know from having a number of scary or out-of-control moments. Perhaps afterward you even felt guilt for the way you reacted, but it is not a shameful thing to seek help. A Message From the National Domestic Violence Hotline " At the National Domestic Violence Hotline, we believe that every caller deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. We believe that every family deserves to live in a world free from violence. We believe that safe homes and safe families are the foundation of a safe society. Until the violence stops, the hotline will continue to answer…One Call at a Time. Help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information, and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish, with access to more than 140 languages through interpreter services. If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224." Their Website address is http://www.ndvh.org/. Anger Management Classes Anger management classes are designed to help you handle both the emotional feelings that come with being angry, and the physical responses you have to anger. Unfortunately, there is no way to avoid being around everything that could possibly make you angry, so you have to learn to deal with your anger in more constructive, healthy ways. Anger management classes will help you identify your personal anger triggers and help you find ways to minimize exposure to those triggers. The classes may teach you breathing and relaxation exercises. Most classes include some kind of role-playing to help you practice new ways to express your anger and learn positive communication skills. If you are hesitant to take anger management classes or speak to a counsellor, try helping yourself change the way you react to feeling angry. Breathe deeply, talk to yourself, and tell yourself to calm down. Get physical exercise and do meditation or yoga to help you learn how to be focused and calm. Try to focus on changing your internal messages. Instead of cussing something out inside your mind, talk yourself through the emotion. Allow yourself to feel angry, and then work to recognize why you are angry, how your own expectations might have played a role in it, and how you can resolve it. Remember that overreacting to your anger will most likely cause both you and the target of your emotion more upset than it is worth, that it will not fix anything -- and not only will it not make you feel better, it might actually make things worse. By forcing yourself to think about your anger, you will diffuse it. You will not be able to stay angry if you start analyzing. If there are frustrations in your life that are causing you stress and anger, set goals and work on solving your problems. Write down your goals and make a promise to yourself to work toward them. Practice open, loving communication with your friends and family. Think before you say anything; do not make assumptions. Do not forget that you need to take care of you: Take breaks, go for walks, and focus on your needs; say no when you need to; remove anger-inducing experiences from your life. If in the end you decide to talk to an anger management counsellor, try to be open and communicative. Definitely be honest about how you behave when you are angry. Be sure to choose someone who has experience in working with anger management. Do not forget: Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. It is how we handle anger that sometimes gets us in trouble. Effectively Handling Anger – A Review Don't bury your feelings or behave in a way that will only make you angrier (whether that is by passively allowing the things that make you angry to continue, or by being overly aggressive in your response to anger without thinking). Be direct and honest and focus on your feelings. Don't be violent or cruel in your reaction to feeling angry. Remember that you have a choice: Anger is a natural emotion, but it is your emotion to own. Don't blame your feelings on others; own them. When you speak to someone about making you angry, be sure to speak about yourself in the "I": "I feel angry when this happens. I would like this to be different." Don't accuse or use a form of "You did this to me and now you're going to pay" communication. Take care of yourself and meet your needs even when you are feeling angry. Don't withdraw or punish yourself; don't lash out and punish others. Find ways to reach out and find ways to comfort and soothe yourself. Recognize that feeling angry is normal and a healthy part of life, but that reacting violently or making others feel small or worthless is not healthy. Not being in control of your anger can cause you to tear apart your relationships or end up in trouble. Practice empathy. Think about what others might be experiencing or feeling. Summary Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we are unable to handle anger on our own. When that happens, seek a licensed professional counsellor or anger management therapist to help you learn effective ways to manage your anger. If you are at risk of hurting someone close to you, or if you are already damaging your close relationships with your friends, your family, and your job, seek help immediately. Anger management classes can help you learn to identify your angry feelings before your reactions are out of control. You can learn new coping skills and ways to effectively handle your angry feelings. You will also learn how to communicate more successfully about your anger. The world around us, in so many ways, has become a dangerous and violent place. There are stories in the news every day about violence in schools and homes, about road rage and workplace violence, about prejudice and hatred. All of these behaviours stem from anger that is not being managed properly. It can change. Breathing and Relaxation Exercises Breathing exercises can make you dizzy or lightheaded, so be careful and use caution. If a specific exercise recommends sitting to perform it, it is important that you comply. Never conduct any kind of exercise without a physician's consent. Peaceful breathing. Stand or sit. Relax your body and try to calm your mind. Inhale slowly through your nose while counting slowly to four. Exhale slowly through your mouth while counting to six. Hold the breath for a couple of seconds, and then let the air out steadily. You should try to exhale completely. Don't hunch your shoulders, and as you breathe in, let the air expand down into your abdomen. Repeat several times. Belly breathing. Lay on the floor. You can use a pillow to prevent your lower back from straining. The function of breathing occurs when the diaphragm – the muscle that separates your lungs from your abdominal cavity – is drawn down, and your lungs can expand. By lying on your back, you can use your hands to find the bottom of your rib cage and, as you inhale, apply light pressure on your abdomen toward the bottom of your body. Allow yourself to feel your belly expand as you draw in your breath; that's the way you draw in the fullest possible breath and expand the lungs. Belly breathing is much healthier breathing than chest breathing, where only the upper portion of the lungs is being used at full capacity. Repeat this breathing exercise for 10 to 15 minutes. Reverse breathe. Sit with your back firmly upright and your shoulders squared. Exhale – before you take a breath – completely. Push as much air out of your lungs as you can. Draw in a full breath – a real belly breath. Once you feel as though you've drawn in all the air you can, force yourself to draw in slightly more air. You should feel the expansion in your belly and through your rib cage. Hold for one or two seconds, then release slowly. Pull in your abdominal muscles as tight as you can, while you are exhaling. Repeat five to 10 times. Humming. Repeat the steps for the reverse breath above; however, this time, as you exhale, hum lightly as you exhale. Be sure to squeeze your abdominal muscles as tightly as possible while exhaling and humming. Short breaths. This is one of the exercises that may be more likely to cause light-headedness, so be sure to stay seated while doing this exercise. To begin, sit on a chair with your spine straight and your shoulders squared. Without exhaling in between, draw in three short breaths through your nose. Hold for two to three seconds, then release and exhale through the mouth. Immediately repeat. Repeat the entire exercise four to six times. Stop if you become light-headed. Puffing. Puffing exhales puts a bit of pressure on your lungs, making the airway stay open a bit longer. It's a great method to use if you are exercising heavily and feeling out of breath. To do this exercise, either sit or stand with your back straight. Inhale deeply, filling your lungs. As you exhale, puff your cheeks and blow the air out of your mouth through tightened, pursed lips. It should take you three to four times as long to exhale the air as it did to inhale the air. Repeat four to six times. Waking breath. This is a great breathing exercise to do if you are feeling drowsy at work and think you might doze off. It also exercises your diaphragm, a key muscle in the function of breathing. In this exercise, you should remain seated. You will be breathing in and out through the nose, keeping the mouth shut but not tensed. Only do the exercise for about 10 seconds at a time, since it may make you light-headed. To perform the exercise, inhale short breaths through your nose and immediately exhale them through your nose. Repeat for 10 seconds, then stop and breathe normally. Do for 10 seconds out of every minute for 10 minutes. Breath Bends. This exercise will help you empty your lungs completely so that you can improve the amount of oxygen you intake. Stand with your feet shoulder-width apart, with your back straight and your knees relaxed. Inhale deeply. As you exhale, bend at the waist, forcing as much air out of your lungs as possible. Straighten back up as you inhale and continue to repeat four to six times, or until you get too lightheaded to continue. Relaxation Exercises Relax. This exercise won't seem helpful compared to all of the other ones you've been doing, but if you had to choose just one exercise out of this whole lesson, I would think this might be the right one. It's a very simple exercise, but requires two very important things: your willingness to suspend your thoughts, worries, doubts, and concerns for a few minutes -- and a quiet place you can be without interruptions. It doesn't matter if that's the bathroom, or if you have to escape to a park bench at your local park. You only need 15 to 20 minutes. To do this exercise, go to your quiet, uninterrupted place. Make it as quiet and as dark as possible. Sit in a comfortable position. Try to quiet your mind – this is not a time to make to-do lists or play back the last conversation you had with your boss. For 15 or 20 minutes, every day, just sit quietly. Give yourself those minutes of pure relaxation. Let your mind be empty and your body be relaxed. Breathe, but don't think about breathing or any other exercise. Try to let go of all of your tension. You'll love yourself for it later. Full body relaxation. The best way to do this exercise is in bed at night. You should be lying down on your back. This exercise is commonly used in biofeedback and can have an overall positive effect on your entire body, but will certainly have an impact on your healthy breathing. Full body relaxation requires you to specifically focus on each and every part of your body and consciously make each part relax and de-tense. It's best to start with the toes and work your way up. Spend at least 10 to 15 seconds on each area, although some stubborn areas may require much longer. When working on full body relaxation, don't forget your toes, feet, ankles, calves, knees, thighs, rear end, hips, pelvis, waist, abdomen, lower back, chest, shoulders, and neck. Helpful Websites Assigment Pick an excersice and tell how was it and if you think it helps to control anger. I believe whatever makes you think that you can control your body, fully o partially it will help to control anger, in a way anger is lack of confidence and to love your body and mind and that it is up to you get the best of it. Anger Management Techniques Websites Organization . Focuses on relieving the stresses that exacerbate and cause anger. http://www.anger-managementtechniques.org/index.htm/ The American Psychology Association . www.apa.org Get Your Angries Out . A great Website for kids.
