PE R FE C T G E N T L E M A N E TIQ UE T T E AND E L O Q UE NCE A BO O K O F I NF O RMAT IO N I AN D NST R U C T IO N H FO R T ‘H O O SE . D E S IR E V ‘ TO ’ B E C O M E BR I L L I A N T O R C O N S P I C L O U S I N G E N E R A L S O C IE T Y, m 3 3 m m M am a, at CO g t t Q i e t r a e a l fi i u s g g a . NT A I N I N G MO DE L SPE E CHE S FOR ALL O CCASIO NS w FO R EI R P RO P L no ER LI V M O D E: O F I W IT AT T A B E , wT o H NT R v. a E VE R Y B O D Y. O DUC T I ON R U L E S FO R JU D G I . NG T HE U Q A L I TY L E S FO R C A R V IN G E T IQ L IA T E ; O R P d O PE R BE m vxof 1x CO M P A N Y W IT H A N A M IIR IC xx C O DE O F P O L ! PE K E S S FO R E V E R Y O C C I S I O N ; A N D E T IQ U E I T E A T W A S I N G T O N R E M A RK A B L E W I T A N D C O N V E R S xox A T T A BLE OF W INE , A N D S E N T I M E II T S TH AN D W IN E E ER m m z cm oxs n 50 0 T O A S T S HO W T o U S E D ' ' , ‘ RU A ND ‘ . z , H , ‘ w ETC wm TO cu . , E rc A RE A D DE D , T H E DUTI ES OF CIIAIRIIEN 01 PUBLIC MEETI NG S, “ AN D RU L E S H I NT FO R T II E O R ER D S A N D E L A AIP L E S FO R D BY R A . I B Y N EW DIC K ‘ , GE NT O N L Y G O L D L E MAN R T S U B S C o . 18 IT H SO L U V A L U A BL B T IO N S . . I O N I P W . Y O RK FIT Z G E R A L D N E ER I RE N D U C T T IIE R FO F T O G T H A W N G U P I’R E A M B L L S A S ) CO LY AN N , P U B L I S H E R S, ST RE E T . 6120 the THE LI A N WHO IS w m m e t c n m m C l g PO PRO U D D IG NE VE R D E C E I VE D H I S T H IS W IT N IFIED WIT A FFA BL E W HO LIT E VO L U TO W HU O H O AL L F R IE N D , U IT H O U AFFE CT AT I O H T N IT Y ; T VA T O S I E N T A T I Q BI ' L ‘ S E R VI E T O NO R T U R X O XE NE D ; H IS BA C K T O H IS FO R ; U M E IS RE S P EC T F L L Y D E DIC AT ED BY T HE A U THOR P R E FA O E . hi ch is de vo te d all tha t portio n o f this wo rk w ’ to the speeches i t is no t the autho r s purpo se to say a nyth i n g i n the a y either o f expl a natio n o r apology L e t the spe e ches speak fo r themselves It i s n o t claimed that all the to asts are o rigi n al Many o f them are take n from such eminent so u rces — e r whether A merican o E uro p a n as the author had at his hand ; and whenever the phraseology s uite d he adopted it witho u t change ” O f the A me r i ca n Code of P oli te ne s s there is s o me what m ore t o be said It a s n o t expected that much wh i ch i s n ew could be wr i tte n o n this subj ect The o nly aim has bee n to prese n t the ge n eral r u les o f politeness and etiquette in such a manner as to rende r them plain and instructive and to point o u t some o f the absurd and con flicti ng rules o f t he fashio n ab le code which have come into our country from di ffere n t parts o f E urope The author has had t he oppo rtuni ty o f seeing that there are wide differ ences betwee n some par t icular r ules o f etiquette as prac t ised in A merica and E ng land and o n the co n tinent o f E urope S ome things that are orthodox etiquette i n L ondon are gro ss her A os y in P aris and a l l o ver the continent o f E urope ho should co nduct himself o n the co n tinent in ma n w all particulars according t o the rules o f eti quette pr a c t i s e d i n E ngla n d would soo n find himself stared at by well bred peopl e i f not banished from polite s o c i e tv OF , , w . . . , , . w . . , . . . , . , , . , - . , (5 ) P R E FA C E 6 . The au tho r h a s witnessed some a musing no t to say ridiculous incidents in fashionable so ciety in A merica arising out o f the fact that one par ty prac t ised th e P a risian co de while ano ther persistently adhered to the E nglish fashion and so a so cial col l i s i on if no t a n a s inevitable e x lo s i o n w p L e t a person go into company who has read o n l v the E nglish bo o k s on etiquette which are quite nu m e r o u s l y republished in this country and meet wi th another w ho h appens to have read only the French continental rules and they will so o n b e found or bu m ping heads with each o ther A notable instance Y o rk within th e o f this o ccurred in the ci ty of N e w present year in w hich a lady a nd gentleman of co n s i de r a bl e eminence go t into an unspeaking feud with each o ther They had fo r some months enj oyed wha t mi ght be called a literary and musical acquaintance ’ whe n they one day met in M r H all s m usic store and the gentleman after the E nglish fashion wai ted fo r th e lady t o recogni z e him ; and the lady after the French fashion waited for the gentleman to recogni z e — he r and so nei t her could recogni z e the o ther They had b o th deci edly ou t each o ther without intending A nd so i t —wi t hout knowing what they had done a fterwards they always passed each o ther like e n emies in t he streets un t il o n e day the lady had an O pp o r t u n i ty of asking for an explanation o f t he insul t which she believed had been o ffered her The gentleman denied that h e had been t he o ffendi n g party but o n the o t her hand declared th a t s he had refused t o rec o g n i z e hi m I wai ted said he a long t i me to see i f , , , , , . , , , , , . , . , . , , , , , . d . , . , ” “ . , “ , B u t replied th e lady yo u really mean t to cut me i t was fo r you to recogni z e m e first A nd then follo w ed a deba t e o n th e great question of the e t iq u ett e involved in the impo r tant affai r i n which each confi dent of be i ng in the righ t refused to give way ; and the gentleman actually believed hi m self master o f the fiel d until he was assured by th e autho r that there was an overwhelm i ng maj or i ty of the fashionabl e worl d a gainst him The l ady above referred to is a n accomplished tr a ns lato r of French works and was undoubtedly well infor m ed i n all the r ules o f e t iquette as practised on The gentleman was equ a lly the continent of E u rope i t i n the E nglish rules B u t with sorrow be i t a u a f s aid neither was quite up to the generous and hearty spirit o f politeness dictated by the common se n se and simplicity o f republican m a n n ers A lthough fashio nable so ciety in A merica is made up to some extent o f p eople who have come from n every p art o f the O l d W o rld each bringing his o w peculiar fashions yet there is gradually gro wing up an i ndi vi du a li ty of o u r o w n which happily begins to displ ay itself in s oci a l and fa s hi ona bl e as well as in p oli t ical independence The Sp i r i t o f politeness like that o f morality and religion must be the same all over the wo r ld ; b u t th e artificial rules o f etiquette are necessarily mo dified and varied by lo cal institu tions The s t i fl and stately p omp o f fashion as i t comes out o f t he a t mosphere of mo n a r chical c o ur t s a n d thenc e descends u po n the plai n s o f commo n l i fe i n those coun tries brings with it much that is unnatural and gro . , , ” . , , , , . , . . , , . , , , , , , . , , . , , , P R E FA C E 8 . i n contrast with t he simplicity o f republica n ins t i t utio n s N o t wi t hstanding all the books o n etiquette in use in this co untry are either translations from the French or republications o f E nglish bo oks there is in many instances a modifica t io n of the a rtificial rules o f p o li t eness they contain in the manners of the best so ci ety in A merica In a word i t is not to o much to say that we are beginning to have an American code in better harmony wi th the practical and enligh t ened common sense of democratic i n stituti ons than much th at has been dictated by the pompous impudence o f a r istocratic exclusiveness The anecdo tes at the end o f the volume have been sel ected for the two fold p u rpo se of a ffording a m u s e m e nt and i ns tr u ct i o n at th e convivial bo ard ’ Indeed the autho r s aim in every part of the b o ok has been to m ake a usefu l companion o f the dining the p arlor and o f every o ther place where 1 oom ladies and gentlemen may b e properly a m bi t i o ns t o a p pear with satisfactio n and ho n or to themselves a n d pl asure to o thers The author professes that modesty alone causes hi m to withhold his n ame from the title page H e is a are that such a remarkabl e degree of mo desty in an a u thor will be considered improbable if no t i m p o s sible by the general public Bu t he consol es himself wi th t he idea that even if it shall be believed that the virtue is only a n a fi e c t a t i o n o n his part he has a t least set a go o d example and one w hich is very much needed for the be n efit o f a u thors at the present t i me te s q u e , . , , , , , . , , . - . , , , ' , , . . e . - w . , . , , ' , , . C O N T E N T S A IO STO A M E N D ME NT S A D O U RNM ENT S R . , , J , A C T OR SPEE CH or AN AM ER I C A S T OA ST T o T Q U EE N or E NG L AN D A UT H OR SPEE CH or AN A C T OR S T O A S T A M AT ORY T O A S T S ARTI S TI C T O A ST S A M ER I C AN W IN E S AR T O F D R IN K ING l V N A M ERI C AN C O DE or P O L IT E N E SS A N E C DO T E S 3 7 3 8 4 7 52 57 6 9 7 6 8 1 8 9 90 A M ERI C AN V AL O R A L F I ER I B I B L I O G RA PH ER S PEE CH or A B A KER S T O AS T B L A C K SM IT H S T OA S T BAN K R S T O A S T B OOK KEEPER S T OA S T B U RG UN DY B ALL S IN WA S HI NGTON , , N ’ HE , , , ’ , , , , E I , , , , , , , , , , , ’ , ’ E ’ , ’ - , , , , B O OC A C C IO , CERVANT E S CO O K SPEE C H or A C A P ITAL I S T SPEE CH or A C H AI R MAN SE L E C TING A C H A R A C T ER O F A C R C A RPE NT ER S T OA S T CA RD MA KER S T OA S T , , , , , , l: U ’ , - ’ , t t AN , , , , , , , [0 CO O A L ME S TO ST CO A CH M AKER S T O A S T C RV ING C A M P AGN E C L A RE T WI E C AT H A R IN E M ED I C I S C JC H A N T NT E NT S. ' A , ’ - , A H , N , DE , UH A U C E R , CAM O E N S C A RVING B I RD S , , H A M, O F B EE F S IR L o rN R O UN D or B EE F FI LL E T O F V E A L L E G O F M U TT O N , , , ORE Q UA R T R or L A M B H AU N CH O F M U TT O N SA DD L E or M UTT ON R OA ST P G FO WL G OO SE T U RKEY D NN ER S O N G I V NG D R IN K ING O N HO N E S T D U E L SPEE CH or A M AN W O W O UL D D I S TI LL ER S T O A S T D INN ER S IN V ITATI O N S T o D E FINITI O N O F P O L I T E N E SS D RE SS D RE SS AT W A S HINGTON D INN ER S AT W A S HINGT O N D EPORT M E NT IN T H E S T REE T D INN ER TA B LE E L O Q U E N C E D ANT E F , E , , , I , , , , I I , , , , H , ’ , , , , , , , , - , , ’ L EM O ST H E N E S D U TI E S O F A C HAI R MA , N, r IG H T T C O NT E N S 11 . D E E AT E S, E D I TOR S P EE CH O F E NG L I S H B E NEVO L E N C E SPEE CH O N E V RY MAN S T O AST E TI UE TT E O F T H E D INNER T A B E VE NING P A RTI E S E TI UE TT E A T WA S H INGTO N E VE N NG P A RTIE S A T TV FI RE M AN SPEE C H O F A FI RE M AN T OA ST GE OGRA PH CAL S P EE C GREA T N A M E S S PEE C H ON G L A I ER S T O AST GERM AN W IN E S GE N R A L R ULE S O F P O L IT E N ESS HO T EL S PEE CH A T T H E O PE NING T o C A LL O N T H E P RE S DE NT T H E U N IT E S T A H w H wT o N E GA T IV E M O TI O N H w T o V I S IT O F F I C IAL P ERS O N S IN W A S H ING T ON AN, , , , ' E , Q LE - , , Q , A S H I N G T O N, I , s , H, I , , ’ Z , , E , or , o or I A o H AN DE L HER O D OT US HO G A R T H INT ERR UP TI O N IN D B AT E IM P UDE NT M AN S O F AN I NV ITATI O N S T O D INN ER I NT ROD UC TI O N S JO H N S O N D R JU D G E SPEE CH O F A JE S T ER SPEE CH or L A SS E S L OVER S SPEE CH O N T H E L A W YER SP E C H O F A L OVER SPEE C H or AN O L D L O U D L A U G H ER S P EE CH or A L AC ONI C M AN S P EE CH or A , , , , E , P E E C II , , , , . , , , A, , ’ , , E , , , , , D , o , , , , , T ES , 12 C O N TENTS ITE Y G SPEE CH L I T ER A RY T OA S T S L O P E D E V E GA MI LL ER S W IF E T H E M ODE ST W O M E N M USI C IAN S P EE CH M ER C AN T SPEE CH M AN O F HO NO R S or MA RRIAG E SPEE CH AT A M I S C E L L AN O U S T O A S T S MA S O NI C T OA ST S M ANN S A T T A LE MA RRIA M O A RT M O N T AI N N AV A L M I L ITA RY T O ST L E N T L L M A N, RAR , Z , ’ , , , O T A, , H A, or , PE E C II , , , E , , ER B , G E, Z , G E , A AN D S, ON GIVI G D O N CA RVING O N I NT R O D U C TIONS O N D RE SS O N E VE I NG PA RTI E S O N M RR IAG E O PINIO N or L ORD B YRO N O N EA TIN O R I NAL M O TIONS ON MO T ON S O L A K S AN D R IVE S P O E T SPEE C H or A P UN ST R SPEE CH or A FI H TING SPEE CH O N P I P OOR M SPEE CH or A P AT RIOT SPEE CH or A P O L IT M AN SPEE CH or P LI S SP or A IN N E IIS , N , , , N , A , GI , I UR , E R , , E , R ZE - , G , , AN , , , E UB , , A, , HE R, E E CH , G, . C O N T EN TS R I O TI C T O S T S ’ I N S T OAST P LUM B ER S T OA S T ’ I S T O A ST P ORT \VIN E P O L IT E N E SS P O L ITI C A L D INN ER S IN T H E U NIT E S TAT ES P E T RA R CH P LUTA R C H P H I D IA S P AT RI A T ER 13 . , ’ , ’ , A IN T E R ’ , , , D , , , P LAUT U S P REV I O US Q UE I O N Q U E S T ON S O F O RDER RI DD L E IN ST E A D O F A SPEE CH H E A DED M AN SPEE CH O F A R R O A D M AKER S T O A T R UL E S F OR P RE SI D ING AT T R O G ER B A C O N R O B ER T HERRI C K R A B E L AI S RA PHAE L R O B ERT FUL T O N R EM OV IN A C HAI RMAN RAI S ING OB E C TI O N S R IG H T O F R EP L Y S P EE CH O F T H E C H AI R M AN SPEE CH or A M AN W DOE S N O T M A KE SPEE CH SO B ER M AN SPEE CH O F A , , ST , I , , E D- , , ’ - S , A BL E , , , , , , G , J , ‘ , , HO Q , S T RO NG M IN DED W O M E N S A M S L I C K S SPEE CH O N T H E C L ER G Y SO NG IN S T E AD O F A SPEE C H S A L OR SPEE C H O F A S H OE M A KER SPEE CH O F A S C AN D AL SPEE CH O N S O LD IER S PE E CH or A ' - , ’ , I , , , , , , , , , ES , C O NT E N TS . S U R G EO N S T A S T S A DD L ER S T O A S T S HERRY XV N S I R W A L T ER S C O TT S R UL E S R P S S I R JO S HUA R EYN O L D S O P INI O N or IV S I D N EY S M IT H S C O L D ING V S H UM P H RY D AV Y T AIL OR SPEE CH O F A T A LL O W C AN D L ER SPEE CH O F A T O AST—M AST ER S CO M PANI O N T O AS T S F OR A LL P R O S S O S T INKER S T O A ST T A L K ING IN CO M PAN Y TABLE W ’ ( , ’ , E I , ’ ' FO RL ’ AT T A B AT T A B L E ID IN G IN E LE , V IE E , IR , , , H - , , ’ , I PE N , ’ , , ’ IT T ITIAN T H E S P IS T H E VV B RED MAN T RE AT M E NT O F SERV ANT S T A K ING T HE C HAI R , , , ELL - , , , DERTA KER SPEE CH or AN U NIT ED S TAT E S AN D CE NT R A L A M E I C A V AN DY CK V O TING O N O R IGINAL M O TION S AN D AM E N D M E NT S W IN E M ER CH ANT SPEE CH or A W G SPEE CH or A VV B I BB ER SPEE CH O F A IV G O F M R G R A VE W V AT T A B L E V W H w T o K N O W G OOD W IN E AR T O F D R IN K ING WIT S AN D W IN E WAT CHW ORD O F AM ER I CA UN , , R , , , , A , , IN E - , , E D D IN . IN E , , IN E , o , , , " , WI LL IA M , C AKT O N, , , , PERFE CT G ENTL E MAN ; ' ETIQ UE T TE AND EL OQ UENCE . S U B JE C T THE . If a literary gentleman and a scholar needed a ny excuse for w r i t i n g a bo o k o n the elo quence a n d e t i ne o of the dinner table beyond that which is u e t t e q rea dily appreci ated by all autho rs — fle e p r i ce i t br i ng hi m — h e would fi nd it in the fact that great men in all ages have given their co u n te n a n ce to this subj ect The subject has been amply canvasse d by such men as D r Johnson Voltaire S i r H umphry D avy L or d Ba con Jeremy Bentham L ord Byron a n d an i nn u m e r able li s t o f philo sophers wits a n d po et s o f all natio n s A n excellent and well ar S i dney S mith says range d dinner is a m ost pleasing o ccurrence and a great triumph o f civilized life It is no t o nly the descending mo rsel and the enveloping sauce but the rank weal th wit and beauty which surroun d the meats ; the learned management o f light and heat ; the silent a n d rapi d services of atten dants ; the smil ing a n d se dulous ho st pr o ll e r i ng gusts a n d reli s hes the exo tic bo ttles ; the embos s e d plate ; the plea s ant remarks the han dsome dres ses th e cunning a r t i fi c cs The hour of dinne r i n hort i n o f fruit and fa r i n a l , , ' - , , . , . , , , , , , , . , “ ~ , . , , , , ' , , ( 15) S , T HE 16 O M DE L SPEE C H M AK E R . eludes everything of sens u al a n d i n tellectual g r a ti fi ca tion which a great natio n glorie s i n pro ducing The a cco mpl i s n e d S ca r g i l wittily writes There i s a n attractio n of a ffi nity e ffecte d t y co okery : they ho dine much together generally assimilate mu ch i n w Opinion It is n o t an easy matter to dine frequently wi th a man especially if he have a go o d co ok without coming into some o r most of his ways o f thinking H ow observable is the unanimity pro duced by a p u bl i c — dinner It seems an establi s he d fact a generally recognize d opinio n that the people may be dine d into anything They are dined into liberty they are dined into loyalty ; they are dine d into charity they are dined into piety ; they are dine d into liberality ; they are dined into ortho doxy ; they are dine d into ” heresy S o well is this great gastronomic p a c i fi ca t o r under sto o d by statesmen a n d politicians that nearly all m atters of state and diplomacy are discusse d and set The empress C atharine de t l e d at the dinner table Me dicis who was called the mother a n d the wife o f ” kings used to descend t o th e kitchen to superinten d the dinners prep ared for those whom she would con trol and dipped in rich sauces the han dwhich hel d the reins o f government and which R o u s s a r d compare d to the rosy fingers of A urora This great empress declared that the highest thing to be sai d in praise It o f woman is that she can cook a go o d dinner wa s o ver the conciliating o dors of a rich dinner superintended by her o w the n han d that she dre w Duke o f A lba into the fearful plan o f the massacre o f ” , . ' . , , . . - . . , - . “ , , , , . “ ” . , , , ‘ O T HE 8 M DE L SPEE C H M AK E R - . observ a nce of tho se delicate rules of etiquette and politene s s which give to civilization its i mmen s e so cial h o can appear A man w a dvantages over savage life we l l a t the table will always be ju dge d a gentleman by well bre d people O n the other han d the man who app e ars ill there has the mark o f vulgarity i n delibly impresse d upon hi m The presence o f one clown at the dinner table woul d Spoil the comfort of every well bre d guest A n d for th i s reaso n those who are at all careful of the c u stoms of go o d so ciety rigi dly abstain from inviting such persons to meet parties a t their tables Where ladie s a r e invite d this rule i s never u n der any cir c um s tances deviate d from But where no l a dies are t o be presen t a n d the dinner i s given exclu i vely to gentlemen for political purpo s e s it i s c u s t o m a r i n thi s country to invite a mixe d crow d of guests without a n y refere n ce whatever to their so cial equali ty ; a n d no g en tl eman at such a time can object to sit a t table by the si de o f a fello w who shovels the victuals into his mo nth w i th the knife or blo ws hi s nose in th e napkin or sq u ir ts a stream of tobacco juice over his s houl der at t he fi r e place There is a necessity for this wi de devi a tion from the o r di n a r v laws o f social respectabili ty : t he ith u nrefine d man is I nvited bec a use h e h a s influence w a cla s s of men whose votes a r e s ought for by the gentleman or by t h e p a r ty for who s e p olitica l int e r e s ts the dinner i s given O n such o cca s ions it w ou l d a y be a great i mpo l itene s s for any gentleman in a n y w to no tice the vulgarities of this man H e h a s n o t h as sh d himself into the company but he been e u p . - . , , , . - - . , , , . , . . , s , , , , , , , ' , , ( . ' , , . . , RU L E S FO R P R E S I D I N G A T T A BL E 19 . i nvite d there because he is a m a n of infl u ence with hi s clas s and being thus invited he is entitl e d to the same at tentio n and respect from all the o ther g u ests as thou g h he h ad e nj oyed equal a dvantages o f ed u cation and refinement with them , . “ RU LE S FO R I P R E S I D IN G T AB L E AT . pleasure at t a ble dep ends u pon the person who is called upon to pre s ide If the dinner is given by a so ciety or a committee o by an institution the president or chair man will of co urse preside and when a g entleman gives a dinner for political or any o ther purposes he will take the chair hi m self A t dinners given by in dividuals to the public pres s o r on any o ccasio n where there is no one u pon whom the duties o f presi di n g a lrea dy devolve i t is custom ary for the party giving the dinner to invi te some gentleman to take the chair (the head of the table) or in case he do e s no t do that the gue s t s them s elves I ndicate one of their number fo r that post The chairman remains standing until all th e o ther guests are seate d and when he t akes his seat it i s a s 1g n a l that the party is ready to h e waite d u p on and the feast opens The chairman i s waited u pon last a n d a s the di nner progresses he will carefully but very quietly see tha t none o f the guests are n eglected by the waiters A great deal o f th e . , , r , , , . , o , , . ” , , . , , , . 2 0 TH E N O DE L ’ S P l ZE C H -M A K BR . If the chairman ha s o cc a s i on to give a n y directio n to the waiter , he do es n o t s pe a k to h i m lou d enough to be h eard by the rest at table but calls him quie tl y to his si de and gives his instructions in an un dertone It is when the toa s t i ng a n d s p e a ki ng commence that ’ the ch airman s most important duties begin H is o ttico is that o f a mo derator H e will call the table to order at the rea ding o f each to ast and will see that proper silence is preserved while re s ponses a r e bei n g made ’ Though wine is a mighty quickener of men s tongue s t h e well bred man will neither talk alou d nor whisper while ano ther guest is making a speech The chair m a n will see that no ne break this rule T he experience d chairman will allo w plenty o f time between the t oasting and speaking for the g u ests to chat and laugh and joke together H owever vigilant he is in pushing roun d the b ottle he take s care that the speeches do n o t come to o fast nor o ccupy t o o much o f t h e t i me A gentleman wishing to propose a s entiment may either repeat it himself o r han d i t to the chairman to be read If he repeats it himself he will say Mr ” 9 ch airman have I your permission to o ffer a to ast The chair will give his consent a n d say Gentleme n will please to come to or der and listen to a sentiment , . , . . , . , - . . , . , , , , ' . “ . . , , , , , , 77 It is the duty of the chair to take notice that e a c h gentleman i s helped to the wine that he prefers a n d th at the bottle do es no t forget him in its roun ds W hen any gentleman i s called upon to r e s p o n t o a , . L S RU E PR E SID ING AT FO R T A BL E 2 1 . to a s t the chairman will use hi s endeavors to get a speech from the party thus complimen t e d But if i t shall be evident to t he chair that the gentleman is su ffering un der a real embarrassment in bei n g th u s calle d u pon he will relieve hi m from his dilemma by f some ingenious turn that will l e t the victim o from a speech a n d that to o if possible wi thou t mortifying N o case could o ccur where an adroi t h i s va n i t v chairman woul d not be able to do this S i r Walter S co tt has left the following rule s o f presiden cy a t the table l a t A lw a ys hurry the bottl e round fo r five o r s i x round s w i thout prosing yourself or permitting o ther s A slight fi l i p of wine inclines people to b e t o prose pleased a n d removes the nervousnes s which prevents men from s p e a k i n w dispo s es them in short t o be amusing a n d to b e amus ed 2 nd P u s h o n h c e p moving ! as young R api d s ays D o not think o f saying l ine thing s nobody cares fo r them any mor th a n for fine m u s i c which is often to o l i berally b e stowed o n s u ch o ccasio n s S peak at all ventures and attempt the mot p ou r T i T B You will fi n d peopl e satisfie d with won derfully indi fferent j okes if you can but hi t the taste of the company which E ven a very high par depends much on i ts character t y prime d wi th all fashionable folks may b e stor m e d by a j ovi a l r o u g h r o u n d a n d rea dy presi dent C hoo s e your text wi th di scretion the sermon may be as you like S houl d a drunkard o r an ass break in with a u v t h i n g out o f jo int if you can parry with a jes t goo d ell if no t do no t exert vour serious authority a nd w , . . , , , , , , . . , , , . , , CD 7 , . , . , , , , . ‘ . , , , . , , , , , . . , , , , T HE 2 2 O M DE L SPE E C H MA K E R - . unless it is so m ething very ba d The au t hority even o f a chairman oug h t to b e very ca u tiou s ly exerci s e d With p atience you will have th e s upport of e very one glas s e s to pl a y 3 r d When you have drunk a fe w the go o d fellow a n d bani s h mo desty (if you are unlucky enough to h ave s uch a trouble s ome companion) then a re o f th e cup to o m u ch be w N o thing is so ri diculous as a drunken pre s i dent L a s tl y A lways s peak s hort a n ds ke och do ck na s ki d cut a tale with a drink . . . , , , . . , , ” - . S PEE C H E S D IN N E R TAB LE AT T H E - . To Speak really well at the convivial table requires consi derabl e a n d varied talent rea ding a n d o bs e r v a tion To shine o n such o ccasions it is necess a ry that o n e shoul d po s s e s s wit a comman d of la n guage a n d a go o d degree of taste and ju dgment Unle s s a m a n is arme d wi t h some of these gifts at least i t will be a hazar do us thi n g fo r hi m to un dertake a regular speech at the dinn er table If howe ver a man is called up at table he mu s t s a v s omething if it is no more than to apologize fo r no t respon ding in a speech A n d even this little matter m a y be do ne so gracefully a n d go o dnat u re dly that he wi l l si t do w n ami d the a pplause of the whole table If he feels himself totally unable to make any kin d o f a Speech h e m a y re s o rt to s ome such little trick a s saying tha t his frien ds kne wvery well when the ? ~ , , . , , , . , , - . , , . , . - . , , , SP EE C HE S A T T HE D I NN E R T ABL E 2 3 - . alled hi m up h a t h e h a d conscientious scruples against S peech making at a n y time and especially a t such a dinner as this where there i s so m uch go o d victuals a n dwine to be enj oyed H e woul d therefore conte n t himself with thanking the ge ntlemen for thei r kin dne s s a n d leave them to the uninterrupted enjoy m ent o f th e goo d wine sprea d before them until so m e gentleman shall b e calle d up who wil l make a speech wo r thy o f the great treat to which the y have been invite d A r y goo dnature d turn like this is in fi nitely better than a dull sp eech at table Be s i des i t i s n o t h o is calle d expecte d nor des ired that every person w up at table shoul d make a speech It is customar y to e x t e n d th e compliment to all bu t i t is no t expecte d t h a t ho se w ill in flict a s peech who are incapable o f m a ki n g one B u t every o n e o ught t o be able to return hi s th a nks to g e n tlemen gracefu ll y o r perh a ps to t e l l some a p propriate story to set the t bl e in a r e a r The eloquence of the dinner tabl e s houl d always be of a quiet tone of vo ice wi th a please d a n d frien dl y countenance and very little if any kin d of action o r ge s ture shoul d be in dulge d in L ou d a n d boisterou s declam a tion at such times would be bo th o ut of p l a c e and ri diculous Go o d j okes and merriment a r e always in o r der at dinner but the mi r th and hilarity mus t be tempere d ith go o d sen s e a n d a delicate observance o f pro A ll straine d attempt s at facetiou s ne s s by one r i e ty p ho h a s not a n a tural talent for i t are sure to e n d i n w m aking him ridiculous Therefore let no man ven tu re upo n gay s a llies at dinner unless they so pres s c , - , , . , , , , - . . . , , , . , . , a . , , , . , . w , . , . , T HE 2 1 O M DE L SP EE C H MA K E R - forwar d to hi s lips as to esc a pe almo s t in s p ite o f him n c gains far more cre di t by sh o wing t hat he duly a ppreciates the wit of o thers a n d geni e ly laughing i n t he rig h t pl aces than he can by vain att e mpts of hi s own D r John so n says we take no more plea s ure in s eeing a m a n s tri ve to be witty a n d fail than we s houl d in seeing him a ttemp t to jump over a ditch and fa ll into i t It is often the ca s e that th ose who converse well at t a ble still make the wors t of sp e e che s at t he convivial n c e ting What a pity that a man who is go o d in co nversatio n shoul d de s t r o v h i s in fluence by bad speech es ! W he n one who i s calle d up at table fin ds himself confuse d a n d unabl e to give utterance to hi s i deas as is often the ca s e with the inexperience d the o nly thing for hi m to do i s to s te p at once a n d resume his seat before he makes him s elf ri diculous The fol lowing s ne c i m e n of an after dinner speech is no t worse than i s qu i te often heard at the m e r r v table This I may gentlemen— that is perhaps I may b e allowe d to — observe t o re mark rather a s remarkabl y expre s sive o f my feelings o n this c o ca o n the pre s ent o ccasion — — that I consi der this l am sure I t hat is gentlemen — l need no t s a y and I say i t with out hesi t ation tha t this i s the prou dest moment of a s I w a s a b out to s a y my li fe (pause) For as the fabl e d bir d of po etry t h e ph oenix of o u r immo rtal bar d derives new vi t alit y fro m the ashes of if I m a y be allo we d th e expre s s ion a n expire d an exti n ct exi s tence so do e s the calm ser en ity of age emanate from the transitor y turbul ence o f yo u th (pause) A n d gen tl e m en — g e ntl emen I n e e d . “ i , . , . . , ' , . . , , , . - , , , , w , , , . , , , ‘ , , ~ . , , T HE M O DEL 2 6 SP EE CH M AK E - R . dinner A few amiable wor ds o f thanks to the gentle men who have called him up a pleasant allu s ion to th e host o r to the o ccasion in ho nor of which the di n ner is given and if he is equal to it s ome goo d nature d and telling hit at somebo dy o r something is all that should be attempte d To set the table in a ” r e ar a n d no t to set it a n should be the obj ect o f i g p g the convivial orator A lways before you go t o a dinner where speaking and toasting is likely to be the or der o f the day be careful to arm yo u rself with at least o n e goo d to ast and some anecdote suitable t o the o ccasion W ith a go o d ’ toast and an anecdote at your tongue s e n d you can hardly fail to make a respectable response to what ever call may be made up o n y ou . . , ' , , , , , , . , , . , . , . S P E E C H AT T H E O P E N IN G OR S ome OF HO TE L AN E ATIN G S AL O O N . people who are very ambitious t o shine at table are in the habit o f carefully preparing a little lp e e ch a n d then writing a to ast to call it o u t which t hey hand t o a friend wit h the re q uest that he will o ffer it at a proper time and call u p on them to r e sp e nd t o it A t a splendid feast which was given to the ’ press on the opening o f Taylor s grand salo on o n the corner o f Bro adway and Franklin streets a gentleman d u Y o aid another he entered will be invite to a s t o s take t he chair — her e is a toa s t which I want yo u t o , , , , , , , . , , S P EE CH A T AN OPEN I N G 2 7 . w rea d when e have go t a little warmed with wine ” In due time the follow a n d call o n me to respo nd in g to ast was read T o a l l g ood e a ti ng a n dg ood e a te r s , . —a s on the p r e s e n t i o cca s on , w ti h w er e w the la t r A nd M ” e xi s w t ma y aske d g f Mr t o respond which he di d nearly as follows e l l man C hairman as that to ast is o n e to which any w might heartily respo nd I shall n o t consider that a n y especial reference to my e a ti ng a bi l i ty was inten de d by my being calle d up to re s pon d I acknowle dge a fair appreciatio n o f go od eating and I a m always happy — to asso ciate with goo d livers e sp e ci a l ly a t m e a l ti m e s e l d laughter and applause and my experience has ) ( me t o adopt the idea o f L ord Byron h o said that he ‘ had generally found go o d livers to be amiable gen ’ The D uke of York pro t l e m e n and go o d friends n o u n c e d the A l m a n a ck fo r G ou r m a n ds the most de lightful bo ok ever issued from the press and I must say that I have rarely known a great man a man of vigor ho w o u s brain and well sustained mental powers w as a despiser of goo d living The ancients were n o t so h o considered the stomach the much to h e laughed at w seat of o u r noblest faculties and a ffections O l d P er ‘ ’ s i u s called i t the dispenser o f genius and the H e brews regarded i t as the head quarters of intellect while the H in do os t o this day hold it to be the seat of all the delightful a ffections and if we wanted further e have it in the delight and enthusiasm with pro of w which the learned guests at this table are addressing th emselves to this intensely active fountain o f the i r — genius (la u ghter and applause) E ating g entlemen the or mer n e ve r be an n . as “ . , , , . , - , , w . , , - , . , . , - , , , , , . , , 2 8 THE M O D EL S P EE CH M AK E R - . is a gr eat spur to industry a n d a mighty pusher o f commerce C oul d w live without e a ting all t he e world would be idle and the ships which no w fly be fore the winds o n every sea would fold their wings and drift listless and empty along the desolate shores It is e a ti n g which rears such magnificent palaces as this which gives employment to so many millions o f men a n d women all over the world in coining bri ck o u t o f the earth hewing stone from the quarry gather ing timber from the forest construc t ing these superb decorations o f art a n d fi n ally in meting o u t the delicate fruits and luxuries which will be serve dwithin thes e walls to the thousands who will come here to forget care and to refresh themselves with renewe d j oy and vigor to meet the sho ck o f their daily toils O n e man who rears a templ e o f luxury like this do es ho l e tr i be of vegetarian more for mankind than the w anti eating lean stomache d and leaner brained reform ers who have dragged their sluggish b eings across the — earth since time began (gr eat applause ) S o sir allow me to vary your toast by wishing that the s ha d e ve r be l e s s a n d m a ow s o ood e a te r s m a n h a d e a te r s fg y y , . , , , , . , , , , , , , , . , , , - - - , , . ha ve n o s ha d o wt s a , , , a ll ” . This Speech was delivered in a careless half waggi s h style which well suite d the temper o f a party of intel l i g e n t men who h a djus t partaken o f an extraor dinarily fine dinner and were sufficiently warme dwith generous wine to render them appreciative of anything which coul d be sai d in praise o f go o d living - , , , . S P EE C H A W IN E or P S E E CH O F AN ~ OLD ME R C H A NT 2 9 . BACHE L O R . batchelor who was to asted at a p arty o f a y of twitting him o f his obstinate m erry friends by w a s no t so far gone as to have celibacy replied that he w any word to utter in praise o f his co n dition especially in the presence of s o many gentlemen ho luxuriate in e e ts o m a tr i m o n h the s w H e s ould attempt no eulogy f g o f his misfortune but must defend himself fro m any a s i ndi f suspicion that he w ferent to the charms and excellencies o f the fair sex H e remembered a cele hy he did no t br a t e d wit who when he was asked w marry a young lady to whom he was attached replie d I kno no t except the g reat regard e h ave fo r ” each o ther A ny happy turn like this is always in goo d taste and is sure to put the table in excellent temper It turned the banter upon the married guests without the b ad taste o f railing against marriage An ol d , , , , w , . , . , “ , w w , , , . , . . P S E E CH O F A A t the Opening of W IN E ME RCHAN T - . a feast th e foll owing to a s t w as A t thi s ta bl e a s e ve r m a g w o ffered i n e be the w he ts to n e it of w and a celebrate d wine merch ant w h o was present was calle d up to respon d H e stated that in the pre s ence of such excellent livers and before so many gentlemen o f taste and wit go o d wine nee ded n o eulo g y Great wits were always appreciators o f “ , , - , . , , , . T H E M O DE L S PEECH M AKER 30 - . go o d wine Gol dsmith called it the philosopher which drives away care a n d makes us forget whatever is di s agreeable S i r Joshua R eynol ds maintaine d that wine improve d co nversation and benevolence ” I am said he in very go o d spirits when I get up in the morning by dinner ti me I am exhauste d ; wine puts m e in the same state as when I go t up a n d I a m ” sure that wine makes people talk better The famou s solicitor S po ti s w o o de Once declare d at a public di n n e r party that wine makes a man better pleased with ’ himself Dr Johnson replied a n d to make a man better please d with himself let me tell you is doing a ” very great thing S i r William Forbes wittily remark a man warmed with wine was like a bo ttle O f e d that beer which is made brisker by being set befo re the fire Burke was a lover Of generou s ine and when ho was always tryi ng t o disagree with D r Johnson w everybo dy gave the follo wing scale o f liquors claret — — for boys port fo r men brandy for heroes Burke replied L et me have claret then : I love to be a boy to have the c a r e l e s s g a ye ty of boyish days again Wine has in all ages Of the worl d been a classic bon d o f goo d fellowship between hero es l l i l O S O pl l e I S and p great men S i r Joshua R ey nol ds declared that A t fir s t the taste O f wine was di s agreeable to me ; but I brought myself to drink it that I might be like o ther people The pleasure O f drinking vine is so con n e c t e d with plea s ing your comp any that altogether ” there is something of so ci a l go o dnes s n i t But the — highest thing to be said in prai s e Of wine and o n e — which I know this p arty will appreciate is that i t “ . , ” . “ . “ “ ' , , - , . “ - , “ . . , , , . , w , ” . . , , , , “ , , ” . . , ‘ - , , “ . , . , i . , S PEE CH WI NE M ERC HAN T A OF - . has immemorially be e n asso ciated with the beauty of ” omen Woman and ine are twin words which w go hand i n hand together and everywhere warm the col dest hearts with the glow o f feeling and gush o f hope that form the s eetest ingredients in th e cu p o f ’ l ife Byron s famous toast w “ . - - , w . G i ve u s S e r m ons i w a nd ne wm wt a n d s o da - o e n— a e r m i r th t h e da y l a nd au g h te r , a ft e r will n ever want for admirers What p o et has no t cel e br a t e d the pleasures of wine ? But fo r wine much o f the sweetest po etry of the worl d were u nsung T he sweet songs Of A nacreon o f H a r fe z o f Bur ns o f Mo ore a n d a glorious li s t of bar ds to o numerous to m ention were all unsung but fo r the charms and 1n spirations o f wine Gentlemen I have venture d to dwell so long upon this subj ect because I supposed that to prai s e w i n e i n your presence was like enter taining a lover with a eulogy o n the charms o f hi s mistress And in taking my seat allow m e to give you a sentiment which I beg you will no t consider as ’ ro essw a r i ts n s i l f May we never be u t o o p f p There are se veral go o d po ints in t he above speech the opinio n o f celebrated men o n the use o f wine is clas s ical and interesting ; the language is easy and natur a l ; there is n o straining after e ffect o r vain reaching a fter wit and humor and yet there is con s i de r a bl e pleasant and genuine humo r in i t which coul d no t fail to put the company in a pleas e d a n d satisfied frame o f mind . . , , , , , " . , . . , . , , . vfi “ ‘ 32 MO DEL S PEECH THE L M AKER P MAN S ’ A S I E NT - . S EE CH . ano ther o ccasion a talking m an had mad e a dashing flowery speech in extravag a nt praise of the host the dinner and everything at the table a n d finally sat down by callin g upon a gentleman in a ho bantering way w as known fo r his extrem e s ilence to get up and say something in praise o f such an excellent feas t The perso n thus rallied rose very s lowly and with a quiet and g o o d nat u red leer replied that for his part he be l i e ve d all that the elo quent gentlemen who had just taken his seat had said ; a fact which reminded him o f an o l d A thenian who a s deficient in elo quence but who se bravery a s neve r — doubte d and when o n e o f his c o mp etitors in a lon g and flowery speech made grea t professi o ns o f what he Ou l d do arose and said Men o f A thens ! a l l that he has promised I will do The silent gentl e man to ok his seat amid a general roar and laugh t e r o f applause On . , , , , , , w , , , , . - , , , w . w , , , w , “ , , . , . P S E E CH O F A M AN WH O DO E S N O T MAKE P S E E CHE S . We were once at a dinner table in P hiladelphia when the bu s iness o f speech making and story telling was pushed almost with annoying haste a n d where o n e gentleman more silent than the rest was co ntinually bantered a n d p u she d u p to say something A t len gth t he host laughingly declared that he shoul d either make a sp e ech o r tell a s to ry o r leave the t abl e T he - , - - , , , , . , , , . T H E MOD 4 EL S PEEC H M A K ER - w . story respectably and hen rallie d upon his sile n ce a n d aske d if such fine wine di d not inspire him o ithe 1 to talk o r sing about it he replie d that he nei ther sung n o r ma de speeches but he could tell them an Italian ’ rid dle about wine which a s P e r m a nca me n to da c qu a , , , , w , , be vo de l a cq u a se ; “ , i o ha ve s s e a cq u a be ve r ci cl vi n o ” Fo r want of water I am force d to drink water if I A fter every gentle ha d water I would drink wine man a t the table had tried in vain to solve the ri ddle the explanation was given It was the Speech o f an Italian vineyard man after a long drought and an extremely ho t summer th at had p arched u p all his grapes and thu s a want of water h a d forced hi m t o drink water by destroying his w ine crop . , , . - , , , . , A P H I CAL S PE E CH G E O G RA . A t a dinner p arty lately given to several learne d gentlemen in N ew York the conversation became - , heavy with a prolonge d discussion o n the comparative merits o f di fferent geographical works when a face tious guest put a s te p to the te dious discu s sion by s a y N ow gentlemen I prot est against all this ; I ing am a geographical disciple o f a j ocular member of a literary club which existed in L on don at the p e rio d o f ‘ our R evolutionary war who conte nde d that it is now become ri di culous to a dhere to the o l d divi s i on s o f the globe The name of E urope re mi n ds us of the i ndelicate story o f E uropa and the b u ll Jupiter As i a , , , , , , . S PEEC H I NER S ON D N . ' luxurious nabobs A frica o f the guinea co ast at a time when alas ! guineas are as scarce as R oman coins ; A merica o f tho se unnatu r al children ho are ’ fi ghting with their mother It need n o t be said that this ingenio us t u rn put a s t e p to the dull geographical controversy of , w , . . P GIVIN G AN D E AT IN G D INNE R S S E E CH O N a s of fered A t a feast where the follo win g to ast w a w h giv ll g e o ood di n n e r s , w h a n d to a ll o ar e , . To i n vi te d to ” the m , the gentleman called upo n to respond rem ark ed that this sentiment was a very comprehensive o n e embracing the two great divisions o f polite so ciety ; in o n e o r the o ther o f which the greate s t names o f history might b e classifie d Fo r instance at the head o f the list o f eminent dinner givers we may arra n ge such a name as that o f L ord C hancello r E rskine who while sitting upon the bench used to amuse himself in sketching tur tles upon cards with a certain day and hour written upo n the m argin which he a s in the habit o f passing to his friends i n court as dinner i n vi t a t i o n s A nd then at the top o f the list o f celebrated diners o u t is the great D octor Johnson o f who se dis courses sayings and repartees at table Mr Boswell N O doubt if all the learne d h a s made a big bo ok wise sharp pungent and witty speeches and sayings hich have been ma de at table were collected into books they would fo rm a library which for wisdom , , . , - , , , w , , , . , - , , , , , . w , , . , , ‘ , , T HE M O DEL S PEECH M AKE R 36 - . umber o f volumes woul d outrival t he famous A lexandrian A t table men forget their formal phi l o s o phi e s and stilted Opinions and come down to the and there is therefore S implicity o f nature itself ; go o d reason for the custom practised by all polite nations o f settling nearly all a ffairs of public o r private interest by calling t h e p arties mo st concer n ed together for a free and frien dly intercourse at dinner R e v Sidney S mith when dining w ith a party Of literary gentlemen compare d Mr C anning who ” a s then in O ffice t o a fly in amber N obo dy said he cares about the fly ; the o nly question is H ow the devil did it get there ? N or do I attack him fo r t he love Of glory but for the love Of utility as a burgo master hunts rats in a D utch dyke for fear it Sho u ld flo o d a province When he is j o cular he is strong ; when he is serious he is like S amso n in a wig C all him a legislator a reasoner and the conductor o f the a ffairs Of a great nation a n d i t seems to me as absurd as if a butterfly were to teach bees to make honey That he is an extraor dinary writer Of small poetry and a diner out of the highest lustre I do most rea dily admit After George S elwyn and perhaps T i ck e l l ” there has bee n no such man for this last half century N owhere but a t di nne r could SO free and racy a n d unstudied and witty a criticism have fallen from the Therefore gentlemen in l ips Of even S idney S mith an int ellectual so cial and critical point o f view yo u do well to to ast tho se ho give and eat g o o d dinners a nd n , . , , , , . . , w , , . , , “ , , , , , . . , , , . . - , . , , . , , , . , , w , , , . S P A S E E CH O F PEEC H A or S O BE R S MAN O B ER M AN AT bl . A D R IN K ING PAR T Y - . I was a few years ago dining with some merry fel low s mostly military m e n i n the city of B altimore who were quite upro arious with deep drinking and loud laughter ; all but o n e g e ntleman h o was O f a less excitable temperament than the rest and who to a late hour remained comparatively sob er O f course all pitched at him O n e called o n him for a speech A n other sai d N O he is no t drunk enough to make a go o d S peech but he shall tell an anec dote ; and S O A n e c dote A necdo te rung from a do zen voice s Well sai d the quiet gentleman your complaint of my want of merriment reminds me of an anec dote O f the famous General Gustavus A dolphus h o impetu o u s l y overran the greatest part of Germany and sur mounted every Obstacle opposed to his arms When he was besieging Ingolsta dt his horse a s killed un der him by a ca n no n ball H is chancellor entreate d him no t to risk his life S O often Gustavus replie d with warmth Y o u are always to o col d and you stop my ” progress True sire said th e chancellor I con fess I am cold ; but if I did not sometimes throw a little of my ice into your fire you woul d be burnt to ” ashes N ow gentlemen said he l au ghi n g what would become O f this party if I di d no t keep sober ? The way you go O n sto rming this army O f bottles your leg s will soon be un der your bo die s very much in th e ’ conditi on O f General A dolphus horse under its ri der at the battle O f Ingolsta dt and then I Shall be her e ” like the chancellor to s u pport the fallen hero es , , , , , w , , . . , . , . “ , , , w , w , . . . , “ “ . , , , , “ . “ , , , , , , , , . 38 THE M O D E L S PEECH M AKER - P S E E CH O N At . ME TAP HY S I C S . dinner party in Bo ston where two o r three men Of learning monopolized the whole time in talking metaphysics one o f them at length banteringly asked a young ge ntleman who h a djust graduate d if he co u ld favor th e company with a metaphy s ical speech where upo n the rest began thumping the table a n d calling ” ” speech ! speech ! The gra duate go t slowly up and said that he felt honored in being calle d upo n to m ake a Speech on metaphysics especially in the pres ence of SO many learne d metaphysicians as he saw before him H e had listened a ttentively to their learne d and i nte r e s ti ng conversation which had r e ’ min ded hi m O f a S cotch blacksmith s definition o f metaphysics which was as follows Twa fouk di s ’ ’ ’ putin tha g i the r ; he that s l i s t e n i n disna ken what he ’ ’ ’ ’ that s s pe a k i n means a n d he that s S p e a k i n disna ken ’ what he means himself that s metaphysics This p alp able hit p ro duced an uproarious laugh and the student had the tact to sit down in the mi dst of it for nothing that he coul d a ddwoul d increa s e the repu it t a t i o n which he had in a S ingle minute gained as a and a man o f sense a - , , , “ “ , , . , , ” . , , w . P S E E CH O N S T R O NG - M IN DE D W O ME N the N e w Yo rk the following volunteer to ast was O ffered A t a late anniversary dinner Of o n e s o cieties , . of S PEE C H O N S T RON G MI N D E D W O M EN - S tr ong mi n - le s s d d wm o e e n— m a g the i r s ha do . w s e ve r be ” . The gentleman who volunteered to respond sai d t here was a remarkabl e propriety in the language O f the latter clause o f this to ast as the stro n g minde d women are undoubtedly a s ha dowinstead o f a warm a n d cheerful fi r e light upo n the domestic hearth T he y s are indeed s ha dow and no t sun beams in the path Of life and o n the threshold Of home In their co arse and clam orous demand to be allowed to mix in elec tions how unlike the virtuous and exemplary Madame de L ongueville who when she was advised to appear at C ourt in o rder t o s e t the cour t iers an example replied I canno t set a better example than t o stay at home Fo r women past their and no t g o to C ourt at all prime fo r o l d t e r mi g a n ts o r tho se Of a cracke d r e p ’ women s rights meeti n gs are natural place s u ta t i o n enough but for a fair a n d virtuous young girl to be seen there is as ungraceful a sight as it would be to see a bunch o f June ro ses growing in the mi dst Of the i s and of a barn yard I remember a song e e s e g p g which used to be sung when I was a b oy and it was ’ ” an Old song then called the Miller s Wife which a s a faithful portrait o f o u r mo dern convention scolds : , - , , - . , - , , . , , , ’ , , , , , - , , , - . , “ , , M I LLE R S W IFE ’ THE T he m i ll l e r e a ds a n o i s y li fe . ve r y b e s t ; Bu t Sh o l d h e h ve a s c o l di n g H e s s u r e t o h a ve n o r e s t H e r t on gu e u n l i k e t h e m i ll D oe s n e ve r m o ti on a ck l E ’ e n at th e u a ’ , , , w T HE M O DEL S PEEC H M AKER 40 - Fo r t h a t i s s om e ti m e s s ti . ll go e s a lwys cl a ck C l i c k cl a c k ! C l i ck c l c k ! G o o d l a ck ! G o o d l a ck ! N o r e s t h e r t o n gu e e e r fi n din g ’ ay a y s gr i n d ng T i s alw al w i ; s C li pp e r cl a pp e r C l i tt e r cl a tt e r For al l t h e wo r l d li k e m y m ill h O p p e r ’ A n d t h e de vi l h i ms e l f ca n t s t o p h e r Bu t S h e a , , , a , ’ , , , , , , , ” . P S E E CH O N M O DE S T W O ME N . When the following toast was proposed Oa r w ww wth , w iv es ts — m a g the l ove hi ch a s on by the i r be a u ty be kep t fr e s h a nd p e r e nni a l by the m ode s ty tha t ” a dor ns the i r li ve s , a gentleman remarked that this a nd s ear ee sentiment like the to asts given to presi dents and kings Mo desty is a S hould be drunk s ta ndi n g and in s i l e n ce d ewel beyon price and beyond the power Of d e s cr i p j tion In men it is the shadow O f a noble min d ; in women it is the light Of a pure soul S t B ernard happily styles it the jewel O f manners the sister O f chastity the guardian Of reputation the portion O f all ” go o dness Diogenes the cynic philo s opher calle d ” the col o r of vi r tu e Ro s e the blush o f modesty s ays : Fr o m e ve r y blu s h t h a t ki n dle s i n t hy ch e e k s T e n t h o u s a n d l i t tl e l ove s a n d gr a c e s s p r i n g T o r e ve l i n t h e r ds e s , , . , . , . , , . , , , . , , . , , ” . 42 T HE —hear , M O D EL S PEE C H M A KER - . — hear and preeminently the bard wh ose ( ) name we have met this day to ho nor worshipped the lasses O L oud applause But the greatest poe t ) ( — in the world whatever may be his p ower and the R obert power o f making love w a s very great in Burns— can never make love by himself H e must have a lady to help hi m (laughter) ; and I must say that from all my experience very go o d helps they are (R enewed laughter ) S hakespeare has comprised under o ne head the lunatic the lover an d the po et ; a n d when I first became a lover I felt convinced that S hakespeare was right in saying that a love r was a lunatic— (laughter) — for I w Much a s perfectly mad ( — o laughter ) But that to ok place a long time a g about — half a century but I began very young (R o ars of laughter ) A nd Mr C hairman la dies and gentleman —for I wish to call as many witnesses as I can to this — fact I found madness so delightful that I think I never h a ve been right in my senses since— (great l aughter)— but if ever I have had a lucid interval i t has only been to sigh for Be dlam again and call upon C u pi d for my keep er ( C heer s ) A very interestin g do cument has been placed in my hand to read to you ‘ to night It is an additional verse to Green gro w ’ the rashes O composed b y R obert Burns the so n of the great R obert Burns The lines were presented by Mr A l e xander Maclagan au tho r o f P o ems a n d S ongs to be repeated In reading it I shall give as much attentio n as I can to your S co ttish dialect a n d ” if I m a ke mistakes pray forgive a stranger Mr L over then read the follo wing verse which a s r e , , . , , . , , . , . , , , . . . . . , , , , . - . , , , . “ . , ” . , , , , w . , . ’ S AM s me n s s ce r nnc u 43 . ’ i ve d with appl a u se the talented reader s manner i n the S cotch words creatin g considerable setting o ff amusement - Fr a e m T ha t ’ an s a i n s i d e a ’ Wh a de a r war k l ve s p as s e s O ; t l o e s hi s a i n h e t s bl ’ ly l o e s th e las s e s O 1 th e T h e m a n bu G o d m a de hi s a u r , , ’ ’ ar u id , Mr L over concluded by saying A fter this o f course it wo u ld be trespassing on yo u to s a y o n e word more than to give the to ast and I hope that my fair hearers will believe me when I say that never h a d t hey a truer o r a warmer o r a more gallant lover than ” the o n e that addresses them (L oud cheers ) . , , , , , , , . . L K S S PE E CH ’ S AM S I C ' AT IN G T HE B U RN S CE N T E N NIAL LAS G O W . A t the great Burns C entennial at Glasgo w Ju dge H aliburton (Sa m Slick) was called u pon t o read the followin g to ast : T he S cotti s h C l e r g y In doi n g , ” . s o he said I h ave accep ted the invitatio n to appear here to n ight with p eculiar pleasure A hundred a n d fifty years have elapsed since my family left the bor der s of S co tland to seek their fortune in the wilds of A merica a n d I am th e first o f that family that has ma de his appearance in his fatherland L —(cheers) —and t hat yo u have been s o goo d as to call me hear to night a s yo ur guest overpowers m e in a that I cannot a y “ , . , , w - , T HE M O D EL S PEECH M AKER 44 - . well express I have been honore d by being requested t o pr e pose a toast which I am sure every one who hears me will receive with a m o st cor dial a n d a ffectionate response since i t is the clergy o f S co tland When it was first proposed to me to g ive this to ast I confess that I was consi derably emb arrassed : It di d no t a p p ear to me particularly ap p ropriate that so vener a ble so pious so z ealous and so learn e d a bo dy as the C hurch o f S cotland shoul d be given by the humbl e author o f S a m S lick (L aughter and loud cheers ) I thoug ht perhaps tha t it might have been given more appropriately by o n e nearer home and better able to ’ do justice to such a subj ect bu t a moment s reflectio n taught m e that nothi n g w as required o f me but to pro p ose it because it was a to ast that spoke for itself as the clergy had their bond o f unio n with the country in the feelings and sympathies a n d hearts o f the people N o thing therefore remained fo r me to do but to pro p ose i t fo r their eulogi u m is like that beautiful i n scription sublime from its simplicity in the cryp t o f ’ S t P aul s C athedral — the inscriptio n to the immortal architect who raise d i t — s i m onu m e n tu m q u ee r i s ci r cu m C heer In like manner the eulogium o f th e s s i ce ( ) p clergy o f S co tlan d is b e s t found in the character o f its people in the insti tutions they have fo stered in that compreh ensive system of education they h ave e u c o u r a g e d which has ma de S cotlan d pre e minent a m ng p the nations H aving said thus much I should feel t hat I have done all that is require d o f me but the clergy o f the C hurch of S co tlan d are no t the whol e S co ttish clergy for there is a very large bo dy o f S co t . , , , . , , , , , . . , , , , . , , , , , , . , , . , , , . , _ , ’ S A M s m on s S PEE CH 45 . tish clergymen whom they have sent abro ad as learn and as use e d as pious as laborious a s self dc n y i n g ” ful as any in British N orth A merica The H on Judge pro ceeded to describe the arduous l a bors and trials of the S co ttish clergy in the vast territory o f British N orth A merica covering as it did a ninth part of the surface o f the globe a n d pro ceeded t o say It is easy to draw delusiv e pictures as I saw o n e drawn the o ther day by a skilful artist who address ing t he worki ng classes o f Glasgow b ade them go to a country where they would have a vote in the repr o s e n t a t i o n with the safeguard o f the ballo t box where there were no taxe s and wher e they would have a h appier home in the wilderness These are such very pretty pictures that i t is a pity they are fancy s ketches and n o t realities (L aughter and cheers ) The p oo r settler that go es to that country yo u hear from when he succee ds ; but do yo u ever hear from the h u n dre ds who perish by the way who carry a broken heart broken hopes and a broken constitutio n to the grave ? You hear no t from th em : all you know is that th ey have gone to A merica and t hat they have no t written o r that their letters have n o t reach ed yo u I am delighted to see here the venerable a n d l earn ed head o f the University o f Glasgow— a universi ty so reno wned throughout the world which h as pro du ce d s o many statesmen po ets judges l awyers and able men a n d I am delighted also to see the R e v D r ’ M L e o d whose ac q uaintance I had the hono r and pleasure o f making o n the o ther side o f the A tl a n ti c , - , , , , . , , , , , ' , , - , - , , , . , . , . , , , , , , , . “ , , , , , . . , , T HE M O D EL S PEE CH M AKER 46 - . where the amenities o f his manner and the elo quence o f his pulpit oratory will long be remembe re d by t he population through whom he passed (C heer s ) I a m delighted to see hi m here fu rther b e cau s e he can bear witness that wherev e r there are S cottish clergymen you find un der their care a b o dy of men distinguishe d for moral a n d religious feeling for frugality in dustry and general re s p ec tability (C heer s ) I am glad to see them further because it tells me that by the end o f a century there has been time enough to weave that clo ak o f charity which we a r e t o l d covers a multitu de h a d C heer If that cloak not been woven o f sins s ( ) by thi s time I would think little o f the clerical o r lay weavers of Glasgow I be g l e ave to pr e p ose to you , . , , , , , , . , , . , . T he S cotti s h C le r g y , p r thos e i n N or th A m e r i ca P S E E CH O N At — di nn e r party e s e nt a nd a bs e nt, thos e he r e a nd ” . H O NE S T D R INK ING . deep drinkers i n C leveland T o a ll ho n e s t O hio the following to ast a s proposed ” ho was A gentleman o f N ew York w dr i n ke r s present remarked that the phr ase hon e s t dr i n ke r was ho a westernism which he supposed meant a man w filled every t i me the bottle went round and ho drank This he t o the botto m o f his glass at every round declared as a test o f honesty and go o d fellowship was n o t quite fair as the q uantity o f liquor a man coul d dri nk depe nd e d somewhat upo n the si ze o f his stomach a , of w , , . , , w , , , . - ' , , , , . S A PEEC H o n H onE s T D R I NK I N G 47 . man canno t well drink more liquo r than he can — d hol un l ess he be a D utchman who is supposed to hol d an uncomputable amount at least he ha dheard o f one w h o was cap able o f containing eight hun dred cubic inches more o f l ager beer than the measurement o f hi s whole bo dy ! a s some years ago with a He w party o f N e York p oliticians at a S tate C onvention at Syracuse where they drank steadily from nine in the evening until four the next morni n g The beer was served in those high glasses which are about ten inches in length and h e estimated that the party o f eight persons contained about four thousand s i x hundred and ninety eight feet o f lager But he c o n fesse dthat he began to entertain conscientious scruples against keeping such imbibing company much longer ’ ‘ as H e doubted if this honest drinking w a very hon e s t thing after all H e a s no t sure if any o n e ’ man had a right to consume s o much o f life s good stu ff Fo r his part he a s more inclined to the h o when a fellow was opinio n o f king James I w brought to him as a curiosity because he coul d eat a whole sheep at a meal asked What else can he do ” more than o ther men ? N o thing was the reply H ang him then said the king for it is a pity a man should live who eats the share o f twenty men ” a n d can do no more than o n e as This little speech alto gether w pleasant and humorous and the anec do te o f king James and the sheep eater pro duce d so deci ded a laugh that it a s impo ssible fo r the gentleman to do better than to s top there H ad he attempted t o make an application o f , - w , , , . , - . . w . . w , . , , “ , , ” “ , . ” “ , , , , . , , - . , w T HE M O D EL S PEECH M AKER 48 - . the a necdo te to the comp any a l l the humo r would have evap orated The applicatio n a s t o o p alpable to n eed explanation w , . . P S E E CH O F A P OE T . literary men in N ew York a h o a s perpe t u ally talking about the young ve r s i fi e r w ” ‘ h o h a d often been engage dI n con and w a r t O f po etry h o was at the table in t r o ve r s y with a gentleman w relation t o the comparative merits o f a r t and n a tu r e in poetry O ffered the following to ast : T he a r t of p oe tr y —m a y p oe ts n e ve r fo r g e t tha t i t i s a n a r t The gentle n to be an advo cate for n a tu r e was man ho w a s k now called upon to respo nd H e said that he felt his i n ability to do justice to the to ast H e realized that a s something beyond a r t true po etry w If it a s a s comparatively an easy thing t o be o nly an a r t it w — a po et a little book o f a hun dred pages might con t ain it all and the ten thousand ambitious ve r s i fi e r s who vainly try to scale the P arnassian heights might then really make themselves poets But alas to write go o d verses and to write go o d po etry is no t n e ce s The verses s o far as a r t s a r i l y t o do the same thing is concerned may be very go o d and the po etry very bad It is well for the poet to use art but it is not well to let art use him if he do es it will soon enough H ow long will it be before a r t will pr o u s e him up ” John A nderson my JO John duc e such son g s a s A t a dinner party , of w , , , , , w . ' , . w . . , , , , , , . , . , , , . , , . “ , , T HE M O D EL S P E ECH M AKER - . . and S pon dees that they are poets The a ncients held poetry to be the language o f their go ds — let u s no t degra de it by a dmitting it to be th e language of mere rhetoricians a n d verse mongers L et us believe something better of th e G o dgift than to say be has it who o nly writes some verses and runs away with hi e ’ neighb or s wife T o be a p oe t is to stand in the inner temple o f natur e and see how the worl d is m a de ! I t is to hear whi spers from the sky and converse a lone face t o face with the angel forms of truth Tel l me no t that this sallow visage d fellow w ho comes this way with a face thatche d all over ith i m ”— n ce d a n d rhyme this mere wor juggler d e u i n l e p g g r is a poet H e has disowned n ature a n d nature di s owns him The Greeks called their po ets cr e a tor s a n d ’ i n E ngland as late as Ben Jonson s day the ha r d was ” called the m a ke r A nd this was not un dersto o d to mean a mere maker o f r hym e s and m i s chi ef but a sub a s supposed to appro ach lime creative genius who w nearer than any other mortal to the creative p o wer Of The Office o f the po et is thu s set forth by divinity H esio d bics . - . - , , . , . . , - w , “ , - - - . , . , , , “ . , , . Tis ou r s Or gi ve to s p e k t he a t h e fa c e Of T r u th i n l g ge pl an u a T r u th t o W h a t wf i g e e ai n n , ” . A ll the g reat p oets o f antiqu i ty regar ded the ability to do this as an I N S P I RA TI ON rathe r than an a r t ’ e x c i ta r a di vi n e C icero called it flfi e n ti s vi s i ba s , . , ” intellectual enthusi a s m thi s fi Spiritu al and divine a ffla t u s is what a r t can never teach But there is a sense in which art belong s to sp i r i tu . a a ti . An d this , S PEE CH or A JU D G E 51 . po etry and in which the po et must u s e art t o transmit in pleasi n g forms the sublime and beautiful i deas that are flashing thr ough his brain But the way that Go d made and bo ok ma de poets employ art is as The latter di fferent as NA TU RAL from a r tific i a l flowers may have a resemblance t o the former but it has no th ing o f its a r om a The one throws ro s es o n his pre c e p t s t o conceal their harshness while the o ther sca t ters his precepts in the mi dst of ro ses The o n e gives us delightful images which teach no thing and are therefore insipid just as beauty without sense leaves disgust behind it ; the o ther puts truth i fi t o delightful images t o charm us H is images are n o t m a de to i n struct but he puts instruction into them to please Thus gentlemen yo u may as easily kno w the true po ets from their counterfeits as yo u can distinguish ro ses gro wing in their native fields from the gau dy paper flowers which are hung up to catch fli es i n sum mer , , , . - - . , . , . , , , , , , . . , , , , , , . P S E E CH O F At A U J D GE . publ ic dinner in N ew O rleans the followi n g t o ast was pr e posed T he j u di ci a r y— m a y i t e ve r r e m a i n the i n de p e nde n t p a lla di u m of j u s ti ce a nd the s u r e ” h e l i be r ti e s s u pp or t o t t h e e l e A distinguished o f of p p judge was called up to respo nd H e said that to o gre a t importance coul d no t be attached to the s e ntiment p roposed Whatever ten ded to render the j udiciar y a , , . . . 52 M O DEL S PEE CH M AKER T HE - dependent . upo n the fav or Of in dividuals o r u pon the varying caprices of p artisan politic s was a step towar ds a y fo r assaults upon the its depravity a n d Opened the w spirit o f enlightened liberty There is much in the ancient hi s t o r v o f courts Of justice which may teach us to shun some o f the quicksan d upo n which the ju di c i a r y barque is in danger Of foun dering at the present da y When C leon w a s cho sen ju dge in L a c e de m o n he sent for all those with whom he h a d contracted particular frien dship and tol d them he must reno u nce all especial intimacy as it was impossible that such friendship sh ould no t bias the min d a n d ren der it le s s stern in the execution o f justice When A ristides the Just sat as judge in a cause where the plainti ff t o p r e j u di c e A risti des I n his favor began with saying that the defendant always acted in oppo sition to A risti des A ristides interrupted him saying My frien d you forget yourself ; state your case for it is you r case I ” am t o try and no t my o wn When th is just ju dge A ristides once issued o u t a process against an a dve r sary the judges co ndemned the accused without hear ing him speak o n account Of the spo tless C haracter of the plainti ff ; but A ristides himself remonstrate d a n d thre himself at their feet entreating them n o t to wrong the laws o r do anything by way of compliment to him which might b e use d as an example to pervert j u stice Brutus put his t w o sons to death who had broken the laws in o r der to Show the R omans that the swor d of justice shoul d kno w no partiality It is fo r this reason that the go d dess o f justice I S painted a s blind with a sword in her hand to signify that she , , , . . , , , . , , , , , , . , , , , w , , , , , . , . , , S k no PEE C H O F A LA W Y ER w s no t 53 . her favorites but i n fle xi bl y strikes for the just cause When the po et S i monides went to The m i s t o cl e s while he was sitting as ju dge and a s ke d hi m something that was no t just Themisto cles replie d Thou woul dst be an ill poet if thy lines ran co ntrary to the rul es o f a r t a n d I should be an ill governo r if ” I granted what was contrary to the laws To dis pense justice without fear a n d without partiality is the highest duty a mortal can be calle d upon to perform A n d the less you make that high and responsible O fll c e dependent upon the fickle and selfish accidents o f mere p artisan will the s afer will be the liberties Of the people , . , , , . . , . P S E E CH O F A L AW YE R . When T he l e g a l p r ofe s s i on was given a s a to ast a l awyer remarked that there w a s n o profession which h a d been the victim of so many j ibes and taunts as t he legal T here is an O l d saying that , . , NO ro g u e ’ e e r l l w w fe t th e h a t e r dr a W i th g o o d O p i n i o n of the l a , ” . A nd he suppo sed that n o man ever fel t the halter draw r s with go o d Opinion of the l a w That migh be the e t y reason why lawyers had been so much abuse d But i t was certain that no o ther p rofession h a dever contained anything like the number o f great and just m e n that the legal profession c a n b o ast o f T o go b a ck t o . . . , 54 M O D E L S PEEC H M AKER T HE - . a s the first lawyer o f the Jew s a n cient days Mose s w Trismegistus O f the E gyptians S olon of the A thenia n s L ycurgus O f the L a ce de m o n i a n s A n a cha r s i s of the In dee d S cythians N uma P ompilius o f the R omans nearly all the great names in the history of all na t ions were l awyers A n d what would the history o f o u r e were to strike from i ts ow n country be worth if w pages the names o f all who were members of the legal profession ? O u r A da m s e s J e ffe r s o n s Websters C al h o u n s C lays were la w yers There was a time in the early history o f o u r co untry when comparatively few were sent to o u r legislatures except lawyers C ompare the character of o u r legislation then with what it is at the present day N e w laws n o come upon us thick an d fast and quite as destr u ctive o f privat e and public pro p e r ty as the vermin that o nce descen ded up on the The L o crians domains o f K ing P haraoh in E gypt or dained a statute that any man w ho shoul d offer to i ntro duce a n e wl a wshould come into the market place with a rope abo ut his neck a n d repeat before the people what n e w law he p r oposed a n d if no t agreed to he was imme diately strangle d for his arrogance N ow would no t this b e a go o d way to r i d our country at o nce of the legion list Of new a n d pernicious laws a n d o f the illiterate r a g g a m u fli n mob who make them Think o f the time i t takes to qualify a man to become a competent expounder O f the law an I then ju dge of the learning a n d wis dom which the law maker s should po s sess ! The fearfu l extent to which law fail s in thi s country is undo ubte dly owing to the ignorance and r le g islative bo dies artisan recklessness o f The o u p , , , , , . , , . , , , , . , , . w . , . , , , . , , , - . S hich I propo se w 55 . gentlemen is that o u r legis ta tu r e s s ho ul d have a larger infu s ion of lawyers and a less number of tinkers and political C harlatans It is the legal profession which has in all ages s he d the greatest lustre upon so cial philo sophy and legisla tive sci e nce L o rd Bacon was a lawyer S o was S i r E dward C oke who se sturdy Oppo sition to a despo tic king preserved the purity o f the laws and transmitted them to us in hi s immortal P etitio n o f R ights and i n his dige s ts are decisions which will be lights to latest i r William Jones was a l awyer and s o S s te r i tv ! o p In deed in past ages as well a s S i r S amuel R omilly w as at the pres e nt time the greatest and purest minds o f all n a tions have belonged to the legal profession r emedy PEE C H O F A P U N S T ER , , , , . . . , “ , . , , , . P S E E CH O F A t a table A PUNS T E R . w merry wa g s a famous punster a s ca lle d upo n for a speech o n the m or a li ty of p u n n i ny H e began by saying he could easily enough prove the m o rality o f pa nn i ng becau se all morality de pen ded up on the just p u n i s hm e n t Of those w ho broke the laws ; but while he coul d do this he could no t — make a Speech he never attempted to make a spe e ch in all h i s life a n d he fe lt very m u ch as he shoul d think a fish would feel o u t of water in fact it was a very s ca l t s s h a d busine in those who forced him to try o y ” make 2 speech A nd then fixing his eye u pon a spo t Of grease o n the chins of two o r three o f the p arty of , . , , , , , . . , , M O D E L S PEE CH M AKER THE - . he added it is especially to o ba d to expect a po o r u nlearned man like me to make a s pe e ch to such a bo dy o f learned Grecians as this What ! we Gre ” eia u s exclaimed sever al o f the party Yes sai d he some o f you at least are Grecians fo r I see i t in ’ y o ur fac e s ! cried the party that won t O h ! Oh ” do — that is to o far fetched N said the p unster it cann o t be very far fetched for I ma de it on the s o t and I am su r e th at it was not fe tche d farther than p from the kitch e n as I could prov e if you would But th e n I will no t a llow me to summo n the co ok insist u pon this fo r co oks are for the most part a s a u cy p eople and this one might take it into her hea d and besides in this s u m m e r t o g ive us a ta s te of hers the smell Of co oks is no t always the most w e a the r ” ” This summer weather ! exclaimed th e a g reeable party ho w do yo u make that o u t in the middle o f ” ” D ecember ? Why said the wit from the very a l lo w s I have seen here I though t great number o f s w ” ” it must be summer S O s o sai d one O f the i m bi b ers you mean to ha u l u s ove r the coa l s fo r drinkin g I woul d n o t O h no replied the wag s o much ou l d be a l l i n do that for the world for then the fa t w d b e the and as this is only Mo nday that woul re fi cruelly anti cipating the awful unlucky fr y da y which d d have such goo d reason to dread I say to rea u o ; y gentlemen for if your past career has b een like you r present conduct (fixing his eyes o n the carcasses o f a brace o f ducks) you must have pra ctised a great de a l o f fl a t p l a y in your tim e “ , ” “ . . , “ , , , , ” “ , - . “ , - , , , . , , , , , , “ . , “ “ , , - . , , ” , “ , , , , , , - , , , . 58 M O D EL S PEECH M AKER THE - . goo d when yo u heard them but that was probably so long ago that I expect the fun has pretty much all ’ evaporated now Fun don t keep well in some peopl e —like wine it easily Spoils in bottles that are lo osely ” corke d , , . , . P A WINE B IBB E R S E E CH O F - . famous wine bibber w h o was called upo n to favor the company with a speech o n the drink o f the g o ds declared that no mortal lips coul d ever describ e the j oys o f go o d wine F or his part he was no t rash e nough to attempt it but with the permission o f the ’ co m pany he woul d recite C o wley s exquisite tips: l ogic in praise o f drinking T h e thi r s t y e a r th s o a k s u p th e r a i n A n d d i n k s a n d g p e s fo d i n k a g i n T he pl a n t s s u c k i n t h e e r t h a n d a r e W i t h c o n s ta n t dr i n k i n g fr e s h a n d f i r A - , ” “ , . , , “ , r a , r a T he wh i l i ts e f, se a l s a nd r fil l e d t h t th y Th b sy s ( d By S d k fi y f i e u ’ u one er a ce , e n h t e p T he m o o n T he an ru n D r i n ks T he u n s e a, a nd a nd s y di k y di k o e r a n d da n c e r n and r e ve l Bu t te r na no wh b l h e l th g a l e ss kup e he fo u ) ’ do n e , s the s u ir the n i e r . e ss e n al l N o t hi n g cu ou by t h ’ i n n a tu r e s s o an e w p w l d gh t a r s dr i n r n p, th e u flo e , d o f dr i nk , ve r s a . n ou ne e ' SO w l d thi k ch , o n e l le . , a S h o u d h a ve bu t i t t Dr i n ks t e n th o u a r o n w l i gh t gh t nd , o e s r ou n d . n . . A S ON G I N S T EA D O F A F il l u p t he F i ll a ll th e S PEE C H 59 . b owl th e n fill i t hi gh gl as s s t h e f w hy S ho l d v y c t e di k b t I ? W hy m n of m o l s te ll m e w hy ! u e e r , , e r e ra , r n u , P A S O NG IN S TE AD O F N othin g enlivens or - re a u r e , A , S E E CH . dinner party more than an o cca s ioual song especially when the company is s o well warmed with wine as to become a little impatient at the restraints necessarily impo sed in listenin g t o speeche s Under such circumstances e o nce heard the following song sung by a western M ember O f ’ C ongress at Willard s i n W ashingto n : a ~ - , w . . , Do no t as k Wh y I l a ’ Ti s not p b e A n d da r e Ti s , at t ’ r Ev wo rs Smi w ly bl l ll o l s, wn : b e au ty t h a t cr own w ’ rs k n owm y n e ve r n a m e t , bu t h e l r du t g e s ands a y s pr i g n , g . y g f f l be de n i n ar ly y g s, y th e th e t hi n d y o u t hu s e y m i nu t e e nt fl in s ho u y s, ho d the O f t h os e flo ’ T i s t o— bu t I ’ Phi lli y ou h e r e al o n e , i nks a nd i i e of r os e s n e to mi ng e ad By th i s b n k A n d of ch a r me , m a ke , u , u se of me . W h a t th e s u n do e s t o t h o s e r o s e s W h i l e t h e b e a m s pl a y s w e e t ly i n ; , I wo u l d —bu t m y fe a r A n d I dar e no t n a m e o pp os e s , t h e th i n g . T HE M O EL PEECH M AKER I) S D Y e t I di e i f I - c o n ce a l it . y ow n ; e ve l i t h t l ove s do l o n e T hi k w d li li e s O n t hi s b n k o f p i k s Mi ght I s p e k wh t I w o l d do Iw o l d — wi th m y l ove ly P hi l li s Iw o ld — I w o l d l —Ah ! w ou l d y o u y A s k my e e s , or A nd i f n e i th e r c a n n a as k r , a n a ou r a r a , . an a , u , u u u P A SAI L O R S E E CH O F ? . w h w A facetiou s sea captain an Ol d tar withal o - as a s complimentary sk e d t o respond t o a toast which w to a sea faring life began by saying that he had no t much to say in favor o f the sailor H e is a quarrel ome fello w at best who only studies to di sp u te with t h e tempests and is o f such a r ank a n d brackish dis p osition that he is always i n a p i ck l e with his best friends H e is a mere time server to o always o n the i n d and his ambitio n is more rest watch fo r a fa i r w less than that O f a scurvy politician for he is always cl i m bi n and stri v in g to get above his equals H e is a g although every s elf contra dictory creature t o o ; for bo dy knows him t o be br a ve yet he is ever flyi ng be for e his fo e and dreads no thing S O much as to have hi s a dversary he a d him o ff and meet him In the face An d though hi s heart is as warm as no o n i n t he tropics yet the i ntelligence that gui des his action s i s Tho ugh he s o c old that it p oints only to the north i s pr ou d o f hi s country he is always a b a ndoning it , a “ - , . S . , , - . , , , - , . - , , , , . , , . , S PEE C H or A T A I LOR (l . for o ther lands and although he is vain of his ho no he ride s only a wo o den horse into every por t But t o is a hearty friend a zealous lo ver a n d will never fo r sake o n e i n distress so long as he can keep his dec k ” above water , . , , . P S E E CH O F A T AI L O R . In order to call o u t a witty tailo r this to ast was ” H e sai d that O ffered T he n i n th p a r t of a m a n to call a tailor the ninth p art of a man was to make all o ther men a still smaller fraction fo r the tai l or i s powerful enough to make even the p r o u de s t o f men serve his interest and he is cunning enough to thr i ve ’ even u pon o ther men s va n i ti e s H is charity like the mercy of heaven cove r s a multitu de o f sins and his pro fe s sion leads hi m as far as possible to hi de the faults of mankin d Those who m nature has slighted he makes perfect H e has S uch an eye to beauty t hat eve n in his bi l ls he imitates the birds o f P aradise an d is so virtuous withal th at he turns even the e x tr a v a e nce o f o ther men to go o d a cco u n t What i ndecent g Spectacles all men would b e but for the tailors ! Wh a t more can be said in praise O f tailors than the fact that the y flourish most in those communities which are celebrated fo r their civilizatio n a n d respectability H is profession too is the Ol dest o n earth as it dates a s far ba ck as the gar den o f E den where after the de vil had ruined o u r first p arents by exposing their , “ . , . , , , , , . . , , , , . , . , , , , , T HE M O D EL S PEECH M AKER 2 - . nakedness a tailor did al l he could to r ep a i r the mi s chief and make them as decent as possi ble by ingen i o u s l y constructing garments o u t of fi g leaves Finally gentlemen so goo d a man is the tailor that if his yar d stick sometimes interferes with the rights o f o thers he do es no t selfishly confine the benefits to himself but do es all in his power to satisfy the reasonable wants h o appeal to him for cha rity H e en deavor s o f those w to s he e r o u t o f the way o f sin to cu t bad company and devo te his life to the study o f m e n and m e a s u r e s , , , - . , , , , , . , , . P S E E CH O F A fireman who Spoke A FI RE MAN . in response t o a to ast to the fire department said that there is n o profession in which everybo dy Ought to feel a deeper interest than ’ ’ he fi r e m a n s H e is the city s sentinel that keeps watch over life and property while o thers sleep a n d if he should kick the bucket nobo dy coul d s leep in safety The firemen are a volunteer army w ho shed no blo o d and share no spoils and yet they conquer t h e most terrible and u ng u e ncha hl e fe e that ever a The machine is the s ol diery met in b attle array mo st glorious piece of workmanship ever invente d for it preserve s what all o ther machine s pro duce It ” throws col d water on i n ce n di a r y strife an d qu e n che s the fla m e s that are kin dled by malice a n d reve n ge ’ But for the fi r e m a n s hos e even the fair l a dies would no t long have hos e to wear and that I expect is the , , , . , ” “ , . , , . , . “ , . , S PEE C H A WE D D I NG AT (33 . w eason hy every fireman is so quick t o obey the call Of the be lle s But as 1 am no speech maker gentl e men all o w me to clo se by repeating this well known ’ fi r e m a n s to ast May his co at be water pro of his flesh be fi r e pro of his bo nes be fracture pro of and his s i r i ts be o u r th r oo p f p r - . , , - , - , - - , , P W E DD ING S E E CH A T T H E OF A MR . G RAVE . In the year o f our L ord 18 58 a Mr William Grave Of Mobile married his cousin a Miss Melin da Grave A fter his o f some town in the interior o f A labam a ma r/riage and o n his return to Mobile h e gave a S plendid feast to several Of his bachelo r frien ds at which a gentleman celebrated fo r his wit was called up fo r a speech Wi th a solemn face h e commenced rebuking the party for m anifesting such irreve r ent mirth o n so g r a ve an o ccasion as the one which had called them together The extraor dinary marriage of o u r friend teaches us the great lesso n that history i s — always rep r o ducing itself for mo re than a century ago a C apt William Grave of the British army mar rie d a Mi s s Grave and a a g o f that day ho nored the o ccasion with the following epigram . , , , , , . , , , , , . . , , , w . , , , T he g r a ve s W he n B u t, i f G Ad , ti s l d pl s ai t he as o e as e oz e n No ’ d, wi ll y i l i vi ng f fr o m o llce s wmy friends whil e y , , e l d th e i r de a d, k e s t h e Sk i e s G r a ve s l i k e th e s e t tr u m pe t , , s ha may ou r ise , ” . seem inclined to be mer 64 M O D EL S PEE CH M AKER T HE - . assure you that I feel like peaking reverently s I y, a n d hopefully of t h e bl e s se d memory of our departed r who has foun d an e a r l y a n d an ho n o r e d g r a ve and what seems a contra dictio n like the patriarch of ‘ ’ tr a n s l a te d without seeing death o l d was We trust that our worthy frien d fully obeye d the s ublime i n ’ j unction contained i n the closing lines o f Bryant s Thanatopsis ba che l o r , , , , . G o, n ot S cou r By Li k li k ge d t o h i s a n u n fa on e e Ab o u th e q u e lt du n e r in W ho y lv - wp r a a ndl e s s a ge o n ; g tr u s t i t hi m , ar r s e a t ni bu t , r down t o p , s u s ta i n e thy g a pp r o a ch , t h e dr a p e gh t l y d a n d s o o th e d r a ve , o f h i s c o u ch e a s an t dr e a m s . Gentlemen allo w me to prop ose a sentiment To the memo ry of our departed ba che l or : peace be to him in the bo som o f the grave This to ast was drank with all the honors ; after which the devout company sang these t o lines “ , ” . w T h ou h a s t Bu t An d then , go n e i ll ww e not t o t hy de ware glad to say e P S E E CH O N pl o , G r a ve , re th e e . they went home P R IZ E FIGHT ING - . . The sentiment of T he m a nl y a r t (f f defe nce was given at an entertainment where as there was no professor o f that art pre s ent a gentleman was called upon h o a s celeb rated for his learni ng o n almost sel , ww , , - 66 THE M O D EL S P E E CH M AKER - . a r fought for liberty a n d the malefacto r s captives o f w fo r life The éclat which followe d th e victors in these conflicts s o intoxicate d those in better life that gra du ally persons o f distinction were in duce d to enter for gla diatorial prizes The tyr ant N ero once compelle d a thousand kni g hts a n d s e na tor s i n o n e day to grace hi s shows and to cut slash and slay o n e another for his amusement Modern civilization o r rather a nci vi l i z a tion is in debte d entirely to the E nglish fo r raising from the dead an amusement which was born o f bar ba r i s m a n d died with barbarism It lay burie d for centurie s until the refined E ngli s h natio n happily It a ccomplished its resurrection into the p r i z e r i ng i s the refined E nglish natio n that n o wdictates the laws o f this genteel and pleasant amusement which indee d is practi sed no where o u t o f Great Britain ex cept in the United S tates ; a nd in this country it is confine d to a few foreign thieves in o u r largest cities and to the C ongress o f the United S tates A gentle man from Virginia and o n e from Wisconsin lately attempted to revise the code o f the congressional prize ring but without much success ; and E nglan d r oud E ngland— still remains the happy lawgiver t o p th e gladiators , . , . , , , . , , . , , - . , , , , . . , , - , . P S E E CH O F A celebrated s peak in AN AC T O R . w erican actor ho was invited to response to a to ast to hi s profession declar e d Am , , S PEEC H O F AN A C T OR 67 . w hat it a s i mpossible for hi m ever to think O f his p rofession without experiencing mingled feelings o f pri de and pain ; o f p r i de at the glorious o rigin and e arly triumphs o f the st a g e a n d O f a i n at much of its p later history There is no profession that ought to command more respect a n d admiratio n than that o f an actor ; fo r there is none that requires a greater as s e m bl a g e o f all the powers o f genius T o be a great actor a man must p ossess the taste and feeling of the p o et the judgment of the philo sopher and the skill o f the painter ; for there is an art o f coloring peculiar t o po etry and acting which though in some respects i t may be di fferent from that of pain t ing is yet to be con ducted by the same kind o f rules We require of each the same strength o f tints and the same di s t i n c tions in the distribution o f the brightness and Sha dows the same caution in the softening o f lights and the same art in throwing Objects to a distance or in bri n g ing them immediately un der the eye The actor especially like the p ainter must be a master o f this i ng e n i o u s th e o r y of sha dows the skilful application Of which i s by an insensible gra dation to conduct the eye from the first and mo st striking part of the p icture to whatever lies obscured in shades behind L ike the r must hav e a ddres s ai nter and the po et the playe p i p a a n d precisio n to give the true strength to every s a ge in h i s part a n d to convey the sentiments delivered to hi s care in their proper force a n d beauty n o r are the s e qualifications les s necessary to him in dictati n g the proper gesture s which are to accompany the e x res io n and in forming o nly his countenance but n o t s p t , . . , , , , , , . , , . , , , , , , . , s , , , 68 T HE M O D EL S PEECH M AKER - . his whole p e rson according t o the nature o r bl a g o station and character of the person he represents i th 0 What is an actor but a p a n te r of cha r a cte r tone s of his voice the e xpressions of his face hi s ge s tures a n d the attitudes o f his bo dy bei n g the light s a n d sha des with which he accomplishes the di fficul t task o f finishing his picture ? What feel in g what t aste what imagination what judgment are necessary for so great a n undertaking Shakespeare was an a c to r and in classic antiquity men o f the first rank in life the masters of all the polite arts O f learning were often actors N or di d some of their principal po ets though they were the first men o f the age think i t beneath them to go upon the stage and take parts in their o w n plays It a s somethin g t o be a n acto r when Tully patronized the stage and plead the cause of R oscius a n dwhen E S O p i u s was sought after by the s e c i e ty of the wise a n d great It is no t a place here to trace o u t the causes which have led to a decline o f the stage enough to say th at tho se causes lie outside a n d back of the stage in the character of so ciety itself T he st a ge is always what the p opular taste makes it A lthough it may exert a power upon the popular taste yet popular t a ste is omnipotent and exerts a greater power upon it Financial success is the touchstone by which everything in life is trie d If the theatrical ma n ager puts his piece s upon the stage in a styl e above the general popular taste and morality he makes as great a n u s take financially as if he fell below the popular stan d ar d H is obj ect is to hit the mi ddle ground a n d to a , , , . , - , , , , , , , , , , , , . , , . w , , . , , . . , . , . , , . , , S PEEC H O F AN A e r on (Sf) . make his theatre j u s t as moral a s the average taste of To suc cee d the do o r of the theatre s o cie ty requires must be built upon a level with the do or o f the church The same people support the o n e that support the o ther There may be fractions o f so ciety who fancy they go above and o ther fractions w h o fall below the great medium standard of taste and morality ; but i t is to the m a s s e s that all institutions have to lo ok fo r support — the chu r ch no t less than the the a tr e A nd it is un doubte dly mo re from a s pirit of rivalry than anything el s e that the two are arrayed in such violent Opposition to each o ther It is a m isfortune to so ciety that this is so for the theatre might b e and ought to be an omnipo tent support to the cause o f virtue by ridiculing and scourging the vices o f the world A s a teacher and director o f the popular taste the the a tre pos s es s es every advantage over the pulpit n o t only because it s peaks six times as Often but every depart ment o f logic and eloquence is Open to its use while the pulpit is limited to the single range o f fo rmal and dignified utterance A clergyman o nce asked Gar rick ho wit a s that actors controlled the sympathies o f the i r audience so much better than clergymen Be ” cause replied the actor e utter fiction as though it were truth while you utter truth as though it wer e ” fiction . , . . , . , , . , , , , . , , , , w , . , , . w . T HE M O D EL S PEEC H M AKER 70 - P S E E CH O F A A t a drinking p arty RE D - . HE AD E D MAN of . merry frien ds where one O f a s a man o f wi t and learning and r e d the nu mber w headed withal the following toas t was given T o the ma n w i th the m os t br i l li a n t he a d A nd the party to a s directed insta ntly rose and whom the sentiment w sai d I have t o thank you gentlemen for the very great compliment o f being designated the br i l li a n t m a n o f such a company o f wits and scholars as I see before me A nd I sup p o se I am indebted for this distin i h d u e favor in part to the brillia n t color of my s g ha i r which has in all a ges been held such a sign of certain mental and physical activities that it h a s always been coveted and envi ed by tho se who have been less favore d by P rovi dence In classic antiquity r e d ha i r w a s deemed an indispensable accompaniment to the highest g ifts of genius a n d beauty It was hel d by the classic po ets t o be the chief ornament o f the fair sex It was supposed to give a lustre to all o ther accomplishments in na t u re a nd was s o admire d and covete d that every o n e strove to imitate it by art where n atur e had no t bestowed it o n them A ll the first emi nent painters as A ppelles E u chi o n Melanthus a n d N i ch o m a chu s prized this color for the hair in their p ortraits o f fai r and beautiful women above all o thers The r e d ha i r o f the stately S abina P e pp e a who w a s held the most acco m plished and beautiful woman in the worl d in her dav w a s co n s i de r e d t h e chief ornament o f he r beauty t h e great queen o f be a uty C leopatr a had her charms illumin ated by thi s - , , , ” . “ , , , . , , , , , , . . . , , . , , , , , , , , . . . , , P S EE CH OF A RE D - HEA D E D M AN 1 . ’ hi gh tint o f nature s preferences as L ucian testifi e s his P harsalia , L wi th p l a de n e ar s , O n he r Her r e s no T hr o u d ha i r , wy b gh t h e w in the r i ch s e a - s p oi l e d s to r e as ts re , we a r y n e ck s h e w o e t h e i r wh i t e n e s s di d di s pl a y and r t hi n S i do n i a n t i ffa n y in . , ” . ’ uch repute in T u r tu l l i a n s time and in the days o f S t H i e r o m that even artificial r e d w as re s or ted to j ust as people o f bad taste fly to black dyes now P ublius L entulus in his famous epistle to the R oman S enate written from Jerusalem among other bo dily perfections which he assured the m were p os sesse d by o u r S aviour described his hair a n d bear d as being r e d; a n d I recollect that o n e of the most learn e d o f the S panish theologians argued from this color o f ’ a s undoubte dly alluded to the S aviour s hair that he w in t h e following passage in the bo ok of Isaiah W ho is he that cometh from the R e d L a n d ’ A nd gentlemen are we t o suppo se that the C reator s hand has not labelled his works correctly ? D oes he no t br i ll i a n tly label the most br i l l i a n t pieces o f hi s ? han dywork D o no t the excellencies of the creation resemble the r e dhe a d in the brilliancy o f their ti n ts Is not fi r e the most aspiring and agile of all bo die s r ed Is no t the sun the sovereign physical majesty of the material heavens clo thed in the same tran s cen dent brightnes s ? An d when it puts o n its most triumphant glory to greet the rising moo n a n d a gain to bi d go o d night t o the departing da y does it n o t array itself i n What is the colo r o f the J u ne r o b e s O f g or g e ou s r e d R e d hair as S , . , , . , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , T HE M O D E L S PEECH M AKER 2 - . rose s ? o f the most o dorous pinks ? o f the charmin g flowers that lo ad the air wi t h perfume in summer ? R e d! What are the distinguishing tints o f the r a i n bowhung in the heavens as a S ign o f safety t o man ? R e d gentlemen ! O n the o ther hand let me ask you gentlemen of — b l a k h a r c i h what is t e emblem o f the grave ! o f death ! o f mourning ! It is the garment o f cats ! o f Among what nation s s ! and is the color o f mud ! cr e w do r e d he a ds most prevail ? A mong the intelligent Germans the artistic French a n d Italians the refined E nglish a n d A mericans ! Where are black hea ds uni versal ? A mong the cann i bal N egroes o f A frica a n d the Tartars o f A sia ! Who ever saw a r e dhe a de dn e g r o ’ except where the fellow s thievish mother found an Opportunity t o steal the color from the head o f some white man ! N obo dy gentlemen R e d is the color for he a ds for r os e s as well as for the checks o f m a i de n s This speech o f course coul d not fail to set t he tabl e roaring especially as the i t had been rallied u pon the color o f his hair , , , , , , , - . , . , , w , , , . P S E E CH O F AN OLD L O VE R . h o was about t o marry a A man sixty years ol d w a s calle d o u t t o r es po nd vo un g lady o f twenty six w ‘ h e following to ast : — T h e e l i h t s d o v w l o e m a e o t g f g t h e m H e said A ge has l l e ve r be too O l d to e n o e s s j y , , - , ” t o dc w i h t . the ca p a ci ty of “ , lo vi ng than w im e a gin e . T HE M O D EL S PEE CH M AKER 74 - . ev e r a n d can never be describe d L anguage i s t o o gro ss a n d heavy to defi n e so et hereal a flame It is like l i g ht a thing which everybo dy knows but which nobo dy can explain A n old artist t ried to paint a s i g h but nobo dy ever attempted to draw the passion o f love W e may say it is an expande d so ftness of the heart drawn o u t and kept alive by a consc i ousness of sympathies congenial with o u r o w n ! We may say i t i s like bli s s s e t to m u s i c — where two hearts like two exquisite lyres strung to the accompaniment o f one delightful sound vi brate in delicious harmony Bu t all in vain ! The greatest orator the mo st enrapture d poet is incapable o f describing lo ve as even the humblest swain may be capable of feeling a n d enj oy ing it An d this love gentlemen has no such te dious It i s in the s o u l ca lendar of time as y o u call ye a r s and the soul is immortal Instead o f dying o u t with age it becomes settled and fixe d in the heart like the y light of a fixed star L ove in an Old man i s s tea d no t like hotfi r e in the veins burning up the blo o d but like w i ne coursing up and down through all the chan ’ nels of being like rivers of delight In K nowles play of The Wife there is this passage des crip ti ve o f the supreme reign o f love in the faithful heart n , . , . , , . , . , , , . , , , , . , , . , . , , . , , , . , ” “ , Fe r r a r do . Ma r Fe r . Ma r . he In . of wh o m s u o y pe k Ma ntu a ? di d l i ve a , in . , pl a ce My h e a r t ! By l r , , Wha t . e s Ma ntu a h e t old m e h e u n o t t h e p l a ce o f hi s s oj o u r n ? o Wh a t ! kn ow y ’ h e r e h e s ti ll s oj o u r n s wh e r e e h e i s ! Ye s w hfa r i a na Fe r Li v . , i s th a t ? Th ou a n d or s e a gh tr a ve l s he — th ou gh I m i n ’ M a nt u a , S An d h e I PEE C H O F A POOR as lo o k b u di s t a n t th e as t i n t o th a t , p ol e a a n d the r e MAN wy a he i s , k i n g e n thr o n d wi th e ve y t h o u ght I n w a i t i n g a t h i s fe e t ! ’ Its r , 75 . , wi h wi ll s , , G e n tlemen the sno ws o f sixty winter s have fallen o n my head but n o fro st has over yet touched m v heart , , . P S E E CH OF A PO OR MAN . In response t o the to ast T H E HO NE S T M AN T HO UG H PO OR a scholar and a man o f genius said It would h o should a t be a needless piece o f folly in any m a n w tempt especially i n these days of the triumphant reign And o f wealth to eulogize th e co ndition of poverty yet in the days of g r e a t m e n it was no t always so ‘ A ristophanes said P overty is the mistress o f man ners ; and severe and harsh as Sh e seems the scho ol ’ And E uripides o f virtue in her state is chiefly kept ‘ declared that R iches bring o n vices but poverty is oftener a ttended by wisdom and the mo st truly brave and worthy men were content with having o nly the ’ necessities o f their life supplied A ristides the Just was once the po orest man i n A thens ; a n d when hi s virtues a n d genius raised him to the highest ho no rs he refu sed the frien dship of C alhas the richest citizen i n A thens because he laid claims to consideratio n o n a ccount of his wealth The poverty o f D iogenes was t h e cause o f hi s beginning his study o f philosop hy by , , ” , , . , . , , , , , , . , , . , , , . . 76 T HE M O EL S PEE CH M AKER D - . which the world has been rendere dso much his debtor P ythagoras was so po or that he coul d no t a ffor d to eat bread but live d o n fruit The great P hi l o x e n u s was as p o or as a beggar and when in consequence of his virtues the A thenians sent him to a town in S icily where a splen did mansion full o f l u xury and gold was provided for him as so on as he perceive d that pride and indolence were stealing o n his soul he thre w up all and returne d penniless to A thens say ’ i ng T i s be tte r to l os e a l l tha n m ys e lf ” C lea n thes the philosopher was so poor that he was oblige d to grin d corn for his daily support When A ntigonus a s told of this he sent fo r him the king o f Macedon w a n d asked him if he found the wonderful thin g s he ‘ ’ wro te in a millstone N O my lo rd said the philos ‘ opher but while laboring with my han ds for my livelihoo d the eyes o f my mind are bent on subjec t s more sublime and what I reflect o n in the da y I write ’ down in the night A father aske d Themistocles to which of two lovers he shoul d marry his da u ghter whether to a po o r man of merit or to a rich man of ’ ‘ ignorance Were I in your place said Themisto cles I shoul dprefer for my daughter a man without money ’ to money without a man It is something wo rth say ing that nearly all the p o etry philo sophy a n d li tera ture o f the world has come down from tho se mountain heights o f intellect where the heavy weight of gold ’ ‘ rarely ascen ds I wonder sai d a rich ignoramus to ‘ an author of genius why you men of genius are mo st ’ ‘ a lways so po o r C harge th e di fference between us ’ to o u r Maker said th e a u tho r for had I bestowed . . , , , , , , , , , , , . , , . , , , . , , , , , , . , . , , , . , , , , , . , , . , , ’ AN A M ER I CAN S T OA S T 77 . the same attentio n upon making earthen p e ts that yo u have I Shoul d have your mo ney ; but no amount o f application o n your part could ever enable you to ’ ho write my books This agrees with D ean S wift w ‘ said that A m an o f wit is not incapable o f business but above it A sprightly generous horse is able to carry a p ack sad dle as well as an ass but he is to o ’ go o d to be put to the drudgery A fter all gentle men much o f the a dvantages o f riches over poverty is only arbitrary and imaginary Who will tell us ho w much better o ff the rich man is w h o can drink c ha m a ne d than the po o r man can rink only o w h p g col d w Wha t are the precise advantages o f a te r ? — bro adcl oth over satinet over o f a marble palace a wo o den co ttage ? Much of the pride o f the rich i s as conventional and as ridiculous a s th e vanity o f the K han o f Tartary who lives in a cabin and when he has finished hi s no o n tide meal which consists o f suc h great luxuries as milk and horse fle s h he or ders a pro clamation to be made by his heral d that all the e m p or e rs and kings o f the wo rl d have his p ermission to ” go to di n ner , . , , . , - , . , , . , , , — ' , , - , - , , . E AN A M ’ RI CAN S TO S everal AS T T O TH E Q UE E N O F E NGLAND years ago an e ditor of P hila delphia was i n Montreal C anada when a dinner a s given to th e o f that city and he received a n invitat i on to be ress p , , , w T HE M O D EL PEECH M AKER 8 S - . h t e resent But when he arrived in anteroom h e p was informe d by the frien d who ha d been instrumental i n having him invited that an objection h a d been raise d to hi m in consequence o f his having some two ” y ears before recommen de din The N ineteenth C entury a quarterly magazine a plan for the invasion of C an ( ) a da by the Irish o f the United S tate s and o f a chi e v ” ing its in dependence of Great Britain Very well sai d the P hiladelphian I will wi th draw then ; but t h e article o f which they complain was inten de d to ri dicule the folly of the immense subscriptions then going on in the Unite d S tates to free Irelan d A gentleman of the Montreal press who overhear d this co nversa t ion imme diately cause d the obj ection to be withdrawn and a han dsome apology was m a de to the A merican editor fo r the annoyance to which he had been subj ected At the dinner the first toast in o r de r was of course to the Queen and as the last mail from E ngland brought the news that her Maj esty was e xpecting every da y to be co nfined with a fifth ’ chil d i n the same number o f years the Q u e e n s he a l th was particularly a pertinent sentiment The privilege of proposing this toast was allowed the A merican gen ti eman which be discharge d as follows Gentlemen whatever preju dices I may have entertained against t h e form o f the British governmen t I can sincerely say that I have never been blin d to the truly fe m i ni ne virtue s o f your noble Queen a n d with all my heart I give you The Qu e en of E ngl a nd beautiful as a star in o n e o f the heavenly constellations ; and like ’ ay th e star always in the m i l k y w . , , , “ , , “ . , “ , , . , , , ' . , , , , , . , , , , , , , - , . S PEE CH LOU OF A LA UG HER D 79 . ” It is needless to say that this palpable hit s e t the table i n a r e a r and made the A merican a l l ri ght fo r the remainder of the feast “ , , . P S E E CH O F A L O U D LAU GHE R . — l augh a sort o f A gentleman with a very loud — tentor leather L ungs being at a dinner where E s S q , - , , perso nal hits seeme d to be the o r der o f the day was T he bl e s s i ng s calle do u t to respon d to this sentiment H e said Being an ho nest man and being of s i l e nce ashamed Of no thing and having no thing to conceal I confess that I canno t so fully appreciate this sentiment as yo u gentlemen appear t o O u r appreciati on o f s i le nc e depen ds entirely upon what we wish to do If I w ere about to commit a theft o r w h at the present company will better understand to steal into the bed ’ chamber of my neighbor s wife I have no doubt that I shoul d pray fo r silence as a blessing t o cover my dee ds 1 A ll rogues have a great horror o f no ise The bloo dy M a cbeth exclaims , ” . , , , , , . , . , , , , . Ho wi t wi th m s ’ e wh e n e ve r y noi s e a pp lls a me ? I have read of a thieving Je wwho found his w a y int o an on t of the w a hedge ale house where he found a y rasher of bacon Being excessively hungry he thought he might ven t u re on the forbi dden fo o d i n this obscure pl a ce ; but jus t as he a s lifting the first bit to hi s , - - - - , . . w T HE M O D EL S PEECH MAKER 80 - . mouth a l o ud cl ap o f thunder made him dro p it i n ’ ‘ dismay H ere s a pretty racket (said he) about a ’ morsel o f bacon ! A nd that g entlemen i s about a s tender as I suppose all r Og u e s to be o n the subj ect o f noise but as yo u gentlemen are better judge s o f thi s t han I I le a ve t he whole matter with yo u r wi s d o m , . , , , , , . P S E E CH O F A M AN WH O W O U L DN T ’ U L FIGH T A D E h w A gentleman . had refused a challenge to a duel a s at a dinner party where the following to ast as o ffered as a compliment t o him : T o the m a n w ho i s ” s o br a ve tha t he da r e r efu s e to fig ht a du e l In r e I am o f the opinio n tha t s po u se the gentleman said : accepting o r refusing a challenge to a duel has ver y ’ l ittle to do with a man s cour a ge A great coward may challen g e and a great cowar d may a ccept a chal lenge but it is certain that a wise and honorable man will do neither S cipio A fricanus and M a te l l u s wer e as brave as any men that ever lived and b o th o f them often refused to fight duels Theophrastus maintained h o lost his life in a duel robbed hi s country t hat he When Mare o f what he had n o right to dispose o f ‘ A ntony challenged C ae sar the latter replie d My l ife is o f t o o much consequence to m y subje c ts to h a zard ’ A nd it is I think a dictate of com i t inglo riously mon sense that no man h o feels that his life is o f any importance to his family o r his coun try has a r i g ht t o r u n the risk o f throwing it away in a duel o w w , . “ , . , , . , w . . , , . , w , , , , . T HE M O D EL S PEECH M AKER 82 - . country a n d our countrymen T he sentiment sai d the venerable S enator embraces the highes t consi deratio ns that a go o d man can wi s h to live for ; a n d in it will be foun d the Sublime motives which have devo ted the lives o f the greatest men to death It inclu des all that is most blesse d in the ho m e o f o u r parents and our children O u r country is o u r s e l ve s for we a r e all but parts o f the public s y stem w hich consti tutes the gran d e difice o f o u r social and political lives The man who even dies for his coun tr y dies for himself for his chil dren a n d for the hono r o f his forefather s A nd what are a few days a dde d to ’ a man s life compa r e d to the glory a n d progre s sive stability o f those institutions which are to be the abo de of all the descending generations of our offspring ? O nly as a minute compared to a thousand years It is of little moment whether I go hence t o day o r to morrow ; and every act of mine that bears upon m y ’ countr y s w e al o r wo e is something infinitely greater than my life When I was a young man lo n g before I entered into public life the history of th e noble S aint P ierre who devo ted his own life to save his countrymen ma de a n impression o n my min d that has never to this da y been erase d It is more th a n fifty ye a rs since I copie d h i s last speech I think I have it with m e now a n d I shall beg to rea d it o n this o ccasion You remember the history gentlemen— th at when E dwar d Il I K ing o f E nglan d lai d siege to C alai s that city ma de an a i mo st miraculous resistance to the inva ding foe Bu t at l ength famine di d what the arms ( f E dward had toast Our . ” “ , , . . , , . , , , . , . , , . “ , , , , , , . , . . , , , . S P EE CH fa i l e d to or A PA T R I O T 83 . do and the inexo rable E dward in his wrat h a t the determine d resistance which had been o ffered t o him resolve d at first to put every man woman and child to death but at length consented to pardo n the mass o n condition that they should select six of their principal citizens and send them to him with halters about their necks t o b e executed When Si r Walter bo re this terrible message to the people o f the di s tracte d city who were all assembled in the great sq u are S aint P ierre getting up t o a little eminence addressed the assembly in these immortal words My friends and fellow citizens yo u see the con ditio n to which e are reduced w e must either submit to the terms o f o u r cruel and unsparing conqueror o r d u r iel up tender infants wives and chaste o r o u y daughters t o the blo o dy and brutal lusts o f the vi o lating soldiery We well know what the tyrant i n t ends by his specious offers o f mercy It do es n o t s atiate his ve n geance to m ake a s merely miserable he would also make us criminal H e woul d make us co n h e will grant us life o n n o con di tion save t e m p t i bl e that of o u r b e ing unworthy o f i t L o ok about you my friends and fix your eyes on the persons whom yo u wish to deliver u p as the victims o f your own safety Which of these woul d you appoint to the rack the axe Who through the le n gth of this i nve t o r t h e halter ? crate siege has no t su ffered fatigues a n d miseries a thousan d times worse than death that yo u and your s might survive to days of peace and prosperity Is it your perverseness then whom you would de s tm e to destruction ? Y o u will no t you c a nn o t do i t Justice , , , , , , , , . , , , , , - w , , , . . - , . , . , , . , , , , , , , , . . 84 THE M O D EL S PEEC H M AKE R - ho nor humani t y make such a treason impossible T “ here then is o u r recourse ? Is there any expedient left whereby we may avoid guilt and infamy o n o n e hand o r the desolatio n and horrors o f a sacke d city o n the other ? There is my friends there i s an ex i e d e n t left a gracious a G o d lik e expedient I s p there any here to whom virtue is dearer than life ? L e t him o ffer himself an oblation for the safety o f his — f eople shall no t fail a blessed approbation from h e o p that power ho o ffered up his only S o n for the sal va t ion o f manki n d I doubt no t that there are many here as ready nay more z ealous for this m artyr dom t han I can be however mo desty and the fear o f i m p a ted o stentation may withhold them from being fore most in exhibiting their merits Indeed the station t o which L ord V ienne has u nhappily raised me imparts a right t o be the first in givi n g my life for your sakes I give it freely I give it cheerfully h o comes next ? ‘ ’ Your s o n ! exclaims a youth no t yet c om e to matu ‘ ’ ‘ r ity A h my child I cried S aint P ierre I am then twice s acrificed but n o I have rather begotten thee ’ a seco nd tim e ; thy years are few but full my son — Who next my friends this is the ho ur o f heroes ! ’ ’ ‘ ‘ Your kinsman cried John de A ire your kin sman ’ your kinsman crie d Jame s c r ied P eter W i s s a n t l ’ ‘ Wissant ! A h 1 exclaimed Si r Walter Maury burst ‘ ing into tears why w a s I no t a citizen o f C alais The sixth victim was still wantin g and so many ere the candidates w h o rushe d forward eager for the a n d these d lory that it had be determine by lo t t o g e r e l e d out and died s i x br a v e a n d v i rtuous citizen s , , . , , , - - , , w . , , ~ , . , , w , . , . , , , , , . , ‘ , , , , , w , , w , SP E E CH AN U N D ER T AKE R or 85 . ’ sacri fi ce for their country s safety What an e x ample ! a n d how wo rthy the a dmiration o f all go o d \Vha t a rebuke to men as long as the worl d stan ds the factious ambition of those who woul d distract and divide and destroy their country o n m or e abstractions and partisan vanity ! S omebo dy has profanely sai d that the race of great men is go ne I hope no o n e has venture d to say that the race of p a tr i ots is gone ! A nd ’ yet when I think o f histo ry I am frightene d Vt he n I think of what o u r fathers su ffere d to besto w upon u s such a glo rious inh eritance as our country a n d then see for what baubles and abstractio ns many would 1 eck lessly thro w it away I am frightened I can almost say that I have seen the glorious sun o f o u r R epublic r i s e and I pray G o d that my children m a y never it ness its s e tti ng a . , . . , , , , . , w , . P S E E CH O F A AN U NDE R TAKE R . merry undertaker who had become rich by a diligent attention to his calling was present at one of the sumptuous feasts which used to b e given by the Ten G overnors of the city of N ew York and was called upon to speak upon this to a s t 1 he Unde i — take r may i t be lo n g before he oz e r ta ke s us I n said he heartily l e s po n d to that t oast gentle \ e i i I am i n n o hurry for I am s ure o f the ( a me a t g last a n d can ell afford to wait until y o u are be t t er prepared t o be ove r ta ke n by me than you are at thi s , , “ . ” “ , , w , , 86 T HE M O DEL S PEE CH M AKER - . sittin g I speak to yo u g r a ve l y a n d to you only o n this subj ect ; and I ple dge you my wor d that when I have tol l e d your s a d fate to tho se who fol l o w you I shall make no allusio n to your vices a n d di s sipations The un dertaker is the mo st charitable of men for it is hi s bu s iness to co ve r u p the faults o f mankin d a n d to p u t t o r e s t a great deal o f strife and wrong A nd if S t P aul may be taken as authority there is n o better C hristian than the undertaker for to him de a th i s reat a m A nd no man po ssesses a kinder heart fo r g g every p a s s i ng be ll e fills him wi th the tenderest emotions . , , , . , , . . , , . , . P L S E E CH O F A T AL L O l V— CHA ND E R . witty tallow chandler whose professio n was toaste d at an anniversary dinner of one of the me ’ c h a n i c s a s so ciations of the city of N ewark respon de d a s follows I thank you gentlemen in behalf of the numerous a n d e nl i g hte ne d members of the profes s ion which you have toas te d We are a merry set of fel lows who co ntinue to ma ke l i g ht w or k of even the heavie s t duties of life N one are more amiable a n d fa s cinating especially to th e ladies than we fo r we never fail to h ave a m e l ti ng a n y however cold a n d u n genial the w hole world aroun d us may be e too practise the C hristian virtues a n d were never known even in the mo st profane and infidel times to We send a hospitable hi de o u r c a n dle u nde r a bu s he l i m h uide to the bewil ere d traveller t o show the d g A - , , , , . , . , , , , . w , , , , . , S PEE CH or A S HOE M AKER W ay through the darkness of night 87 . W e enable th e h e n e ve r t he s u n o f philosopher to pursue his studies w heaven fails him When darkness covers the earth we sen d thousan ds o f suns into the gloomy abo des o f men The king and the beggar are a like dependent upon us and i t is we ho have the hono r a n d happi ne s s to light millions o f beautiful girls to bed every night of their lives But I must sto p this gentlemen and o r you will all be rushing into the profession A nd if yo u were t o you woul d S poil the business — no t fi n d u s like th e members of o ther over crow ded professions— glo omy and moro se fo r we should m a ke l i g ht o f o ur misfo rtu nes and still toil o n endeavo ring ” to thr owl i g ht upon the d arkest hour o f adversity . ' , . , w . . , , , . , - , , , . P K S EE CH O F A S H O E MA E R . — In response to this to ast The Sho e m a k e r may h e stick to his l ast and may his custo mers stick to him —a member o f the craft said z There is every reason in the worl d why his customers should s ti c k to a x e d but him no t only because he is generally well w because they are under the strongest obligations to him for the go o d conditio n of their u nde r s ta ndi ng s ’ Men s very s ole s hav e to lo ok to the sho emaker fo r pro tection a n d salvation It i s h e who helps men to become wise by impressing t hem with the everlasting ‘ truth of such immortal maxims as a stitch in time ’ s a v es nine It is he ho enables me n to go a bro ad fl , ” “ , , , , . . , . w , . 88 M O D E L S PEECH M AKER THE - . amid the snows of winter a n d over the b u rning sand s IIo wfatally woul d all the social a n d of summer commercial intercourse amo n g men b e interrupte d if The n o t entirely destroyed but for the sho emaker ! philo s opher the p o et the statesman the he r e the beautiful maiden all ranks and con ditions in life — from the king t o the beggar pay tribute t o the skill and in dustry of the Sho emaker H e is o n e of the most useful as well a s ornamental m e mbers o f so ciety While the importance of all o ther tra des may be com A n dwhen a l l u t e d by inches his is reckoned by fe e t p o ther trades fail his will survive for at the end o f th e ” world the Sho emaker will be the la s t man , — . , . , , , , , . . , , . , , , . P S E E CH O F A MU S I C IAN h w called upo n A musician w . table to respond t o a toast complimentary to hi s profession said I thank you gentlemen in behalf Of the musical frater no t to consider as a mere orna r e n i ty which yo u mental a n d a m u s m g profession but as one eminently philo sophical useful a n dinstructive N O profession has bee n more wronge d by pu bl i c Opinion than ours which is regarded as vain idle reckless envious and u n pr i n c i pled But to the direct contrary o f all this the musi c i a n is o n e O f t he most industrious men in the wo rl d always en deavoring to l os e n o ti m e ; a n d so pru dent withal that he ke e p s ti me which everybo dy else allows H e is s o honest that he will do every to keep them , o as at “ , , , , a , , , . , , , . , , , , , , , , , . , T HE M O D EL S PEECH M AKER 90 - . airing with him he de s ired him to walk o n ahea d a n d enter the royal carriage first L ord S tair obeye d ’ The world is right said the king in the character it has given o f this nobleman ; a person less p olite ’ than he woul d have teased me with ceremony I can say n o thing gentlemen that will add to this test o f true politeness lai d down by the g r a nd m ona r q u e In true p oliteness there is the least p ossible pretension cere m ony or display E very thing is do ne to make peopl e at ease and satisfie d a n d nothing that can have a ten dency to disquiet a n d displease It is the easiest t hing in the world for a man o r woman with a go od heart to be p olite but no amount o f art a n d e ducation can ever m a ke a badhearte d and ill nature d person ’ truly s o , . . , , . , , . , . , , . , , , - - . P S E E CH O F A LA C O NI C MAN . A gentleman remarkable for his brevity was to as te d in this manner To the man who says the best things in the fewest wo rds H e sai d: Gentlemen I thank you and to ok his seat But the party clamorously ” crie d A speech ! a speech ! N o said he gentle men brevity like great deeds does not tolerate much S peaking H isto ry gives us memorable examples When William the C onqueror set his fo ot on E nglish groun d h e burne d hi s ships a n d crie d S ol diers be hol d your country 1 H enry IV of France was about as brief O n go ing into battle he said to his tro ops ” . , ” ’ , . “ , , , , , . . , , . . SP EE C H O F A C O OK 91 . I am your king you are Frenchmen behold th e on e ’ my A t the great naval engagement a t Trafalgar ‘ N elso n said : E ngland expects every man to do his ’ ’ duty N apoleon s speech to his army in E gypt was ‘ S oldiers forty centuri e s lo ok down upon you fro m th e ’ ’ The great R oman s bulletin t O p S of these pyramid e ‘ o n was I came I saw I con o f the battle he had w ’ quered K ing H enry I V once met an ecclesiastic to ‘ whom h e sai d : Whence do yo u come ? Where are ’ you going ? What d o you want ? The ecclesiastic ‘ — — replied instantly : From Bourges to P aris a bene ’ ’ You shall have it replied the monarch But fi ce gentlemen let me not Spoil your excellent to ast by prolix illustrations I have done , . . , s , , . . . , . , , , . . P S E E CH O F A CO OK A celebrated co ok who had als o some pretensions w , to learning and was a go o d deal o f a a g withal was calle d upon t o speak to a to ast in praise of hi s ’ professio n H e said G entlemen the co ok s profos Sion is o n e o f which any man m a y be justly prou d fo r th e most distinguished men o f all ages have expen de d their best ta s te upo n it N early all the celebrated wits o f t h e age o f L ouis XIV were excellent co oks and were prouder o f their skill in compounding sauces than they were of their literary fame Boileau was a famous cook so was S i r H umphry D avy Talleyrand a s q ui te as proud of b e ing a great co ok as he was of w , . , , , . . , . . T HE M O DEL S PEECH M AKER 92 - . being a great statesman L ord Byro n pronounced ’ G ou t hier dA n de r n a ch the greatest man o f his age be cau se he invented i n less than ten years S even cullises n ine ragouts thirty one sauces a n d twenty one soups ‘ A celebrate d member o f the French A ca demy said I regard the discovery of a dish as a far more interes t i ng event than the discovery o f a star ; for we have alw a vs stars enough but can never have to o man y dishes ; and I shall no t regard the sciences as s u fi i c i e n tl y honored until I see a co ok in the first class i n ’ the institute The great E arl o f P eterborough w as quite as fon d of co oking as he was o f war It was hi s custom to assist in preparing the feast over which he was to presi de ; a n d when at Bath he was often see n in the streets in his blue ribbo n and star carrying a chicken in his hand a n d p erhaps a cabbage under each arm I have often seen A lexander D umas presi ding over the smoking viands of h i s kitchen in P aris Vo l taire h a d so much respect for a go o d co ok that the worst thing he coul d say o f an enemy was to call him — a m e a n c ook Men o f genius in all ages r z ca s s e a r h ave hel d the gastronomic science in greatest re s pect S hakespeare must have been a famous cook especiall y o f beefsteaks as we infer from the following excellent receipt for co oking one which he puts into the mo u th o f one Macbeth a well known butcher o f S co tlan d in the time of K ing D uncan . , , , , - - , , . , . , . . , , , , . . , . . , , , - , , If i t w er e don e , wh e n I t w e r e do n e qu i ck ly ’ . ’ ti s don e , t h e n ’ t w e re we ll S P EE CH ON S CAN D A L P 93 . L S E E CH O N S CAN DA . When the following toast was proposed “ To the h o thinks the most go o d and speaks the lea s t man a gentleman remarked that a i l l f f his neighbors go o d man rarely thi nks ill o f his neighbor and the well bred man ne ve r sp e a ks ill o f him S candal is to o mean a vice to fi n d a place anywhere but in the mean e s t soul I t is generally the companio n of ignor ance and s elf conceit Those who are guilty o f it seldo m have any correct idea of righ t o r wrong but censure indis criminately everything in o thers which they do no t poss e ss themselves Fo r this reaso n the go od a n d wise are a n apt as any o thers to be the victims o f it S enec a said It is enough fo r a man to have an e xalted virtue to draw o n hi m a deep weight of scandal a n d detraction Demosthenes observe d that Ill tongues are busy only with those who deserve praise but as a worthless per son is beneath scandal all truly meritorious people ” may feel themselves to be above its reach It was S ingular advice which D emaratus gave his friend when about t o marry to make cho ice o f o ne fo r his wife ho was most generally spoken ill o f by her o w n sex S lan derers generally betray the vices which they are incline d to themselves by the faults which they suspect in o thers The hor s e thief naturally suspects the man he meets by the wayside to be a hor s e thi ef ; the liar ’ believes no man s word and the woman o f impure thoughts suspects the cha s t i ty o f every o ther woman I have a friend ho lately came near marrying a young l a dy w ho po ss e s sed con s iderabl e beauty and accomplish w , , ” , , - . . - . , , . . , ” . “ , . , . w , . , - . - , ’ w . T HE M O DEL S PEECH M AKER 94 - . ment but she knew so much ill o f her n eighbors and had such a horror of unchaste women that she frighte n ed him o u t of all his matrimonial intentions A s go o d people do no t speak ill of o thers they do not make much a do when o thers Speak ill o f th em C onscious inno cency is a do or that shuts out all fear and anxiety as to their goo d name When P hilip king o f Macedon w a s tol d that the Greeks spoke ill o f him he calmly replied Then it is my business to live in such a manner as to prove them to be liars , , , . , . . , , “ , , ” . P S E E CH OF A ME RCHA N T . A merchant was complimented with this toast “ , T he m e r cha nt— ma g he e ve r be e x cha ng i ng for the be tte r He ’ responde d by saying , that if the merchant s exchan ges ” . did not better himself they were sure to benefit o thers For it i s the merchant who causes the chief value of all the go o ds a n d commo dities in t he world It is the ex change o f the frui ts o f industry that gives them their highest price The farmer the mechanic the artis an all are indebted to the merchant for the wealth a n d l u xu ry which their pro ductions bring to their do ors ’ The merchant takes the farmer s pro duce and the me ’ ch a n i c s wares and gives hi m in exchange fo r them money sil ks sugars teas and the frui ts o f all climes A n d it is this principle o f e x cha ng e which S O immensely incre a ses the pri ces of all kinds o f pro ductions that it is the mi ghty mainspr i ng of the wealth o f the world . , . . , , . , , , , , . , , . S PEE CH OF A M ERC HANT . It was o u t of trade and commerce that th e grandeu r a n d free dom o f the E nglish nation aro se to such giga n ti c proportions I t was tra de and commerce t ha t raised by insensible degrees her navy to be the maste r o f the seas a n d enable d her to leave the fo o t prints o f her civilization o n every shore It will be the marvel o f posterity that a little island no t larger in territor y th a n o n e of o u r S tates whose only pro duce was a little ’ lead tin fuller s earth and co arse wo ol Should become S O powerful by its commerce as to dictate terms to the civilized and savage world It is not the nobility but the merchants o f E ngland w ho have made her what she is A lord i s a po wdered puppet who can tell you at what time the m o n a r ch arises and goes to bed who gives himself airs o f grandeur and state through an idle and gouty life while the merchant enriches his country dispatches orders to the ends of the earth and perpe t ually contributes to the felicity a n d progress of the worl d If our country is richer now than in earlier days look to our merchants for the immediate cause It is to them that we o f its progres s ive development are in debted for the convenience o f railro a ds steam bo ats telegraphs the sinews of war and the luxuries o f pe a ce It i s the merchant who enables the farmer to live like a king and the mechanic to dress his wife and daughters in silk brocades N early all the a dva n t a ges of civilization over savage life come to the peopl e through the hands and enterprise of the merchant ” The phrase merchant princes therefore gentlemen conveys n o exaggerated idea of the usefuln e ss a nd i m portance o f the mercantil e profession . , , - , . , , , , , , . . , , , , , . , . , , , , . , . . , , . , T HE M O D E L S PEECH M AKE R - P L . S E E CH O F A S O D I E R A military g entleman . considerable repute bei ng a s called u pon to S pea k present at a public dinner w in response to a toast complimentary to the military profession H e remarked that the professio n of a s o l dier to be appreciated must be lo oked at histo rically W e must regard it n o t in the light of its abstract deeds o f carnage and destruction but i n the p r o t e c tion it gives to the institutions o f state a n d the rights o f our country A s it was by war that our liberties ha d to be achieved so by war they may have to be de fended a n d pro tected That has been the history Of all time It was by war that the foun dation of the mighty commonweal th o f R ome was laid and it was by war that i t was raised to its lofty pitch o f glo ry In vain had N uma taught her people the arts of peace and its holy rites a n d ceremonies if T ullus H o s ti l i u s Both the h a d no t also taught the m the arts o f war literature and religion o f antiquity proclai m the war like arts as descending from the go ds Jupiter him s elf was o f little account without his thun der and the as disarmed A pollo w an obj ect o f commiseration Mars had to be invoked to defend both Jupiter and Vulcan against the Giants A nd all this w a s but a fable o f what all history has been enacting ever since and will continue to enact t o the end o f time T he giants still survive and Mars and Victoria must ever be in readiness to meet them in battle array L ycurgus the L a c e de mon i a n legislator thought the a r so nec essary th a t he forba de the citi z e ns to a r t of w of , , . , , . , , . , . . , . . , . . , . . . . , . , , , T HE M O DEL S PEE CH M AKER 98 - . i ly co ntribute to relieve the necessities o f the l r e fa i n fro m speaking in o or and when o rators shal p public I j oin the great A thenian gentlemen and e may never be i nvolved in war again pray that w u ntil these impossible things are witnessed i n o u r midst u n ta r . ” . , , . P S E E CH O F A MAN OF H O NO R . A t a party o f literary gentlemen and merchants o ne , of the number who p ossesse d the reputa t io n o f being a man of the greatest degree of honor was calle d up in response to the following to ast : [Ma y honor a nd ” vi r tu e e ve r g u i de the foots te p s of a mbi ti on H e sai d The ancient R omans having erecte d two temples one dedicated to H onor a n d the o ther to Virtue joine d the passage from o n e to the o ther in such a manner that none could enter that o f honor without passing through that o f virtue Many are the lessons which ancient history teaches us o f the love o f honor and the practice of virtue which may b e studied profitably by mo dern C hristian nations Julius C aesar in his you th happening to see a statue o f A lexan der the Great which seemed t o have been ma de fo r him when he was about the age o f twenty four fell to weeping and said ‘ H o wmiserable am I to have done no thing worthy even at so fe years o f memory ! and this prince ’ merited t o have his figure perp etuated When P ompey the Gr e a t van q uish e d T yg r a n e s , . , , , . , . , , , - , , w , , , . “ , S P EE C H O F HONOR A MA N or 99 . k in g ) f P ontus and took him prisoner be restored him t o his dignity and his liberty preferring to make him a friend and ally of the R omans rather than to carry h i m to them in tri u mph saying The glory o f ’ a n age is more val u able than that of a day The practice of suici de so commo n among defeated warriors in ancient times illustrates the fact that t hey as A n d this w preferred ho nor and glory to life Shown no t only by male hero es but was practi se d also by the women who like the chaste L ucrece refu se d to survive the lo ss o f her hono r ; o r like the beautifu l A m i n the a of Mace donia w ho having been caught i n adultery refu s e d an o ffered p ar do n decl aring that she wo u ld wash a w ay her guilt and S hame i n death A n d how numerous are such in s tances at the present da y o f fallen but heroic women who prefer death to di s honor It is o n e o f the pro ofs o f the dignity o f human nature that the principle of honor 13 among a l l na tio n s savage a n d civilized worshi ppe d as a divinity Their no tions of it may oftentimes be erro neous a n d absur d but the human heart everywhere bows to the principle according t o the light it enj o y s A savage negro of Guinea will be killed himself so oner than h o is a guest i n his hut t o the give up a white man w vi olence of the mob , , , , , , . , , . , , , , , , , , . ' . , , ~ , , , . , , , , . , , , , . Ho n or T ha t E nno W i th T he T ha t , th a t Sp a r b v bl t h a o e s th i r s r i c he s g i ve s e k n a tu r e of ru de r t tr e as u r e th e s ta m ke s ce l e s ti a lfi re , k p m a n i nd a s i r e ; a s s i o n s o f o u r fr a m e ma p t o f gl o y e t he a n d de s i r e , of a p o f fa m e ge n e r o u s b , r e as t, an d s t a n d a r d o f th e r e s t . 100 T HE M OD E L S PE E C H M A KE R - . S P E E C H O F A JE S T E R . w When the followin g to a st i e v g n e ve r the wy t a o i g ht p ht ce s ”— m e l a n cho l y , bu t al wy a , s w Ma y o ffere d as e be m e r r y i n gentleman who was well known for his j es t s remarke d that it is not easy to know for a certainty the right place for j esting In the reign of E dw ard the Fourth a citizen in C heapsi de L on don was executed as a traitor for saying that he woul d m a ke hi s s on he i r to the cr o w n meaning his house which had a crown for a sign That proved a very ill timed j est certainly fo r the inno cent wag The temptation o f a merry fello w to crack his j oke s is so very great that we must no t won der if he often cracks them in the wrong place The greatest of men have often been jesters D u l ce e s t de s ip e r e says H o r ’ ace Tis delightful to pl ay the fo ol S cipio and C ato were as frolicsome and fu ll of j ests as boys N o r were they always so carefu l about the time and place either Jesting in illness o r at the p oint o f death is reckone d almost profane and yet we have many illus trions examples o f death bed jesting as S i r Thomas Mo ore fo r instance w h o j este d upon the sca ffold in desiring the executioner to put asi de his bear d saying It has no t committed any treason When the bean tiful and accomplished S tella was in a dying con dition her physician to encour a ge her sai d Ma dam you a r e certainly near the bo ttom o f the hill but we shall endeavor to get yo u up again Wi th great di fficulty I a m afraid do cto r l s he co u l d b a r e ly ar ti cu l a t e r a , , , . , , , , , , - . , . , , . . , ” . . . , , - , - , , , , , ” . , , , , , , ” . , , , T HE 102 M O DE L S PEECH M AKER - . ake d unbl u shing uncompoun de d { c xr l e nca What i s a politician for instance w ith out l l « p u de n ce ? der a stomach A s pi der wi t hout legs a gun without po w I mpu dence a n dm o n t h wi t h out h an ds to fee d the m ! say s O sborn is no v i rtue yet able to beggar the m all du to e n ' , , , , , , , “ , , ” . be For h e t h a t h as al l To g t hi n s h a s a st im fa i r p p u de n ce , r e t e n ce . It i s as useful in the professions as armo r in a camp i s do m and the man of i mp a ti e nce to S e t the man of w running a race for office o r wealth and see who shall come o u t fir s t To talk of a lawyer without impu dence i s to talk of a bo dy withou t breath A n d as for do c tor s P liny a ffi rms i t to be The prerogative of the art o f healing that any man who p rofesses himself a phy s i c i a n is instantly receive d as such H ow many a wo rthless idle fellow gets a rich and i n du s t r i o u s wife by dint of pur e impu dence ? A nd per h a ps it is well that he does for it woul d be an alarming oman ! s ight to s e e a thr iftl e s s m a n marry a s hiftle s s w T he impu dent man faith fully follow s t h at scripture which comman ds hi m no t to hi de his can dle un der a bushel ; and to be as literal as possible the sma l ler O ffice h i s can dle the hig h er he generally hol ds i t someho w seems to stumble upon him because he i s al w a ys in the way A n d then gentlemen as this i s a n im pu dent wo rl d it will be foun d very har d getting along in i t wi thout a con s i derable sh are o f t he popular ma terial Impu dence ca n be succe s s fu lly met onl y with impu dence as is illustrate d by an anec do t e of an . , . , . “ , , ” . , , , , , , , . , , . , . , , , S O x ford PEEC H A T M A R RIA G E A 103 . scholar who called o n e morning o n another before he was o u t o f be d and hallo o ed into his ro o m ” Jack are you asleep ? , , , “ , “ Thy Because I want to borro w half a crown Then I a m asleep o f you . . P S E E CH A T A M A RR IAGE . A t a marriage dinner where the following to ast was , ” o ffered T he p r e s e n t happ y occa s i on a gentleman said It is an o ccasion which brings happ ne s s to all parties I T o o u r friends ho are just married it is a divine time when faith is lo st in sight a n d hope in fruition II To tho se w ho have been long married it brings back a memory o f the blessed time when they were j oine d i n we dlo ck III To those who are not married it carries their tho ughts forwar d in blissful anticipation o f the time when they hope to be S o all are or ought to be happy o n the present o cca sion : I beg par don ; there is one class which I trus t however is no t represented here— I mean o l dbachelors th at is incorrigible o l d bachelors who no t o nly a r e no t but never mean to be m a r r i e d m a l i ci o u s de s pi s er s ’ o f life s lawfu l sweetness a n d contemners of the divine rights a n d diviner charms of woman By the R oman laws all such were punished as criminals and were rohibited from hol din g any public o ce A ugustus f fi p , , , i w . , . , . , . . , , . , , , , , , , , fi , , . , , . T HE Oat C MO D EL e EC H - M A K ER . w ar laid a heavy tax o n all h o were fo und u nm a r ried after the a g e of t w By the laws of L y e n ty fi ve c u r g u s all the men ho refuse d to marry were debarred ’ from appearing at the pu bl i t g a m e s which interdiction was considered the greate s t ignominy a n d the great est deprivation to o fo r at these games the young a n d b eautiful damsels displayed their charms in variou s feats o f agility and gracefulness S imoni des said that h o do es not marry shows himself to be s o the man w ay from the most s elfish a cowar d that he shrinks a w S o if this famous o l d s acred r e Sp o n s i bi l i t i e s of life po et S imonides i s right the man who gets married i s a s brave as a sol dier In fact he is so much o f a sol dier that he impatiently fli e s to a r ms in times o f th e profoundest peace and is never happier than when he A nd this married sol i s at the head o f the i nfa n tr y dier being n o lon g er sent to the o u ts ki r ts is fortunately Mid dle k ept o n du ty in the ho me squadr o n fo r life ” ton in his play entitled Beware of Women has draw n t h e following e x quisite picture of we dlo ck ae s w , ~ . , , , . , . , , , , . , , . , , . “ , , Of bl e s s i Wha t wh I en ng s b I co m e bu t s ce n t ne ar the air t h e h ou se . ge s e n ds fo r th ’ e e te r Hone s t w l o ck T h e vi o l e t be d s n o t s w e d I s li k e a b a n q u e t i n g h ou s e b u i l t i n a g a r de n hi ch th e s p r i n g s ch as te flo w e r s t a k e de li gh t On w de l i ci o u a s r e a th m ar r i a . . , ’ To ca s t Wi th Is bu t th e i r m o de s t a ll a he r p o wd fa i r h ou e rs se l p w , b l h e n a s e u s t, ; a i n ti n s , a n d e s t rid e, c o or s bu i l t i n g a. m or a s s ” . b p T H E M O EL S PEECH M AKER 106 D - . gentlemen When S imon C olinet a publish er in Paris fir s t printe d th e C ollo quies of E rasmus he threw f an e dition of eighty thou s an d to begin with a n d of circulate d a report t h at t h e C ollo quie s h a d been in t er dicte d which caused s uch a deman d for the wo rk tha t a s so on exhau s te d the whole immense e dition w Talk — s f the mo d ern device of booksellers no gentlemen o instead of these ch a racteristic compla i nts you a n d the public ought to be profoun dly grateful to the publish ers for t he employment which they give to talent learn ing and genius B u t for us what woul d become of men of talent ? There i s n o Opening for them in poli ti e s for the political field is alrea dy crowde d with p n d i l i thieves gamblers and a venturer of all con s t s s g c e i va bl e stripes a n d let a m a n of real ability dare to appear even on the outskirts of the politic a l arena a n d the whole ban d of infuriated igno ramu s e s will make common cause agains t him A t a t ime when men o f ability are no t wante d for Official stations there is no thing left fo r them but to write book s espe ‘ ’ c i a l l y since what are calle d the learne d pro fe s s ions are also cro w ded with u nlearne d practitioner s wh o ford t o do the b u sine s s at such pri ces a s drive ca n af S uch men mu s t write o u t men of genius a n d talent books but what coul d the writer of b ooks do without the publi s her s ? It is the publi s her gentlemen that keeps the intellect o f the wo rl d mo ving H e di ffu s es t h e principles of civiliza t ion a n d science thro u ghout th e worl d a n d enables t he unlearne d m a s s e s to in s tr u c t themselve s with the wis dom o f t he wise a n d the virtues A nd there c a n never be any termination Of the go o d hlers , , , , , , , . , , , , . , , , , , , , , , . , , , . , , . , . SP EE of CH or AN E D IT OR 1 07 . ’ th e publisher s toils for when he ceases his labors S olomon will be convicted of an untruth fo r he has ‘ ’ sai d t hat in maki n g many bo oks there is no end This passage of S cripture also furnishes presump tive e vi dence that the book trade was considerable of a bu s iness as long ago as the days of K ing S olomon It is an ancient and mo st respectable business gentle men which no t only give s the highest cash value to i n t e l l e c t but it is the sole banker of genius the foun de r and s u pporter o f the mental currency o f the world , , , . - . , , , , , . P S E E CH O F A N E D I T O R . h o responded to this to as t A n e ditor w T he e di tor the def n de r of the r i g hts of the p e op l e a nd the r i g ht ha n d , , ' ” , —S ai d Your to ast stops ho rt of the S q g mark gentlemen for the editor i s often a go o d deal more than the r i g ht ha nd o f the great man — h e is his br a i ns t oo Many a great man who Shines high in the fi r i nam e n t of political fame was made by the editor I have i n the course o f my politica l life made a go o d many great men and oftentimes I am sorry to say I had o n l y the meanest of stu ff to make them o f a n d someti m es when I had blown them up into fame i t to ok a l l the win d I coul d raise to keep them from collapsing a n d falling back into nothing But let me tell you gentlemen that this bu s ine s s o f making great men is generally a thankless a n d an unprofitable o n e ’ It don t pay Though the press is the migh ty power r ea t me n , “ , , , . , . , , , , , , , , . , , , , , . . T HE M O D EL S PEEC H M AKER 1 08 - . that keeps the political forces of the country in m a — tion though it controls the fate of parties and O f i h di vi du a l s yet how sel dom do we s e e the men w ho wield this p ower profiting by their own labors No t m any years ago there was an e ditor of character and ability who was a can di date for the o ffice of a United S tates Marshal but it was refused him a n d given to an impu dent ignoramus a companion of thieves and a p u gilist Man y of the ablest men of our country have filled editorial chairs to the great cre dit of the m s elves and their country but i n no instance have th ey been honored with a seat i n the senate or with a firs t class m issio n abroad N o t lo n g ago in a debate i n the H ouse o f C ommons Mr H orseman ad dressed the following language to Mr Walter o n e of the proprie tors Of the L ondon Times Y o u combine in your ow n person the tw o most powerful attributes which an E nglishman can possess a s a talented member o f the legislative bo dy a n d the supreme head o f the press ” which governs the worl d The press o f E n gland ha s been honorably reco gnized by the Go vernment of Great Britain in appointing to the place o f one o f the C abinet mini s ters Mr Wilson th e e ditor o f the E xaminer a weekly paper O f L ondon But the poli t i c i a n s o f o u r country seem to be capable of a pp r e c i ating the press only as a machine for elevating them The gentlemen who are s elves into p ower and place a t the head of the political press of A merica are com to dance attendance e l l u po n a band o f ignora e d p muses whom no gentleman Woul d willi n gly invite into hi s p a r lo r n o r e v e n s u ffer to com e within r eachin g . , , , , , . , , , . , . , . , , , . , , . , . , . , THE M O D EL S PEE CH M AKER - . but he became so re s tless with thoughts of what to d with it that after h aving kept it onl y eight days he carrie d it back to the king telling him t h at he h a d discover e d that money was no t worth the pa i ns it costs the per s on who posses s es it The importance of th e literary pro fe s sion in o u r country is to be chiefly r eckoned by its cash v alue A s a stepping s tone to olitical preferment it is no t to be thought of I n p ’ dee d i n t hat light it is in a man s w It is u n ay doubte dly true that an idea prevail s that men o f Thou g ht are no t men o f a cti on— that the thi n ke r must n ecessarily be deficient in practicability and so to be c onsistent I s u ppo se they infer that the less ideas a man has the better he is fitte d to be a politician But for t u nately history sufficiently refute s thi s folly S olon o n e of the greatest legislators of a ntiquity was also a great po et a n d S o crates was a sol dier as well a s a philosopher Xenophon and S opho cles were as g reat as sol dier s as they were as men of letters A lfre d the Great a n d R ichar d the L ion H e a rte d were a s able in the fiel d o f letter s as in war a n d diplomacy Bo th D ante a n d M a chi e ve l l i were masters in politics The i dea that literature a n d a s well as li t erature s tatesmanship do n o t Often go to gether had i ts o rigin E nglan d in the days o f darkness a n d ignorance in high pl a ces when D ukes a n d Marquises coul d s ign no o ther name than a mark o r a cro s s to the mo s t impor tant do cuments The el der D ouglas thanke d his G o d a i ne coul d h a t no son o f his except the bishop G a w write a l i n e But the most ill u s triou s sta te s men of E nglan d at the p resent day are men o f letter s as for o , , , , . - . . , , . , , , , , . . , , , , , , . . , - , , . , . , , ‘ . , , , . , , S P EE CH O F A CAP IT AL I S T i nstance , L ord John 11 1 . Brougham and Gla d stone In France in all ages the greatest state s men have also been men of letters a n d the languag e a t that The pen is t r i bute d to C ar dinal R ichelieu mightier th an the sword has foun d abun dant illus t r a t i o n in the mo st br i lliant perio ds of French his tory The present emperor of France is an author also But in A merica it can har dly be sai d that men o f letters have been recognize d in the political arena It is true that Irving a n d Bancroft once ha d a few crumbs thrown to them a n d H awthorne was sent abroad with a consulship as a rewar d fo r wri ting the only wo rthless romance which ever came fro m his — pen the life o f a presi dent of the United S tates It has become a common remark that no really great man can be again elected to the presidency of these Unite d S tates a n d if men of literary ability believe in the divinity of the maxims O f the people they will probably never seek for political dis t inctio n i n our country as long as he governing clas s es enter tain the i dea that learning and intelligence are no t necessary qualifications fo r the politician a n d the s ta tesman . R ussell , , , , , , ” , , . . , , . , . , , ” “ , ” , . P S E E CH O F A t a par ty to ast was e ve r y o the r Of so ’ ofi e r e tyr d - called R eformer s , lfa y the tyr J ° a nn A CA P I T ALI S T y s oon fi nd a g a nn y ra ve . the following a i ta l a nd o c f p , in T HE 1 12 M O DE L S PEE CH M AKER - . and a gentleman of wealth who happene d t o be pres ent re s ponded as follows : In en deavoring to a i d the c a u s e o f p r og r e s s its frien ds O ften th row the greate s t Obstacles in its way by assuming extreme a n d unten able groun d Fo r instance what mischievous do c trines have b e en promulgate d o n this subject a s tho u gh there were a necessary ant a gonism between ca p i ta l and l a bor A class of restless a n d po orly balance d min ds have been made bitter and unhappy by being m ade to believe that there is really a n d nece s sarily s ome great wrong to labor in the posse s sion o f capita l wherea s ’ precisely the reverse is the truth C apital i s labor s best friend without which in dee d labor itself is com v e l y without value a r a t i p ’ ‘ What is capital ? There is no m a gic about it It is no thing bu t hoar ded labor It is the result o f a l l prece ding labor of which the in dividual whether honestly o r no t has come into possession It r e pr e sents past labor ; a n d by that fact it becomes the remuneration o f present toil A ll money i s but a con ve n t i o n a l i s m to in dicate to us that so much toil h a s by somebo dy o r o ther been alrea dy expen ded ; a n d the party possessing money is recognize d by so ciety as having a property in the fruits o f the labor which A ccor dingly from the very earlie s t a s so expen de d t i mes the nee d o f such a me dium as money has been felt The precious metals have no p artic u lar intrinsic worth yet have o n various accounts the recommen d ation o f commerce for thi s purpose A S to intrin s ic worth if any one were to be left like R obinson C rusoe on a desolate island he would fi n d a hatche t , “ , , , . , , - , , . , , , . . . , , . , . , , w . , , . , , , . , , , , . M O D EL S PEECH M AKER TH E - his cu s tome r they S kill and strength are c apital — are the result of year s of exertion which has kept the m u scular system i n o r der Bones a n d brains are capi tal as truly as miles of do ck a n d warehouses fleets of ships towering factories o r piles o f gold S o that strictly speaking there is no person in the worl d but is or may be a capitalist although he may be a l a bo r e r at the same time a n d it is o nl y in a bro a d way that we draw the lin e o f distinctio n —leaving o n one side Of it the great mass o f tho se who toil and on the o ther si de of i t tho se who by their p ossessio n O f s u f fi c i e n t means take to themselves o r have be s towe d upon them in a popular way of Speaking the ti t le of ’ The relation between them is constitute d c a i ta l i s ts p It is a bargain bet w een by the payment o f wages the one and the o ther in whatever form it may p ass hether merely for fo o d clothing and shelter o r for w the largest money remuneration ’ We see then that this thing called c a pital which ’ ‘ the p r o g r e s s i vc j ournals o f the da y woul d have u s believe is such a very wizar d and devil is no thing but h r e s e r ve d l a bo r wit out whi ch there coul be no d r e p w a r d fo r p e s ent to il beyon d the imme diate supply o f ’ man s physical wants L ike all o ther great blessings i t is liable to great abuses in the han ds o f ba d men ; but to talk o f destroying i t on that account woul d be ’ like pre posing to cut o ff a man s leg s to r i d him of a ‘ h eavy pair Of boo ts To talk of the inju s tice O f ca pi ’ ta l because it i s capital is folly To talk o f e q u a l i z i ng i t is to talk o f an impos s ibility E qualize it to da y a n d i t will be unequal again to m orrow fro m . , . , , , . , , , , , , . , , , , , , , . . , , , , , - . , , , , , r , . , , . , . . , . SPE E C H B IB L I O G RAPHER A or 115 . fact that while one man ke ep s anoth er m a n sp e nds A silver dollar in the hand of o ne man so on becomes a gol d eagle while in the hand o f ano ther i t becomes a copper cent W e s e e th e n ho wli t tle sense there is i n the philanthropy which is called taking si des with ’ the po o r man against the rich It soun ds well as all the o t her patent projects o f philanthropy do but if we exami n e it i t is without reason a n d only a g i ta te s mankind without proposing o n e practical remedy fo r ’ the wrongs described The dep e nde nce between l abo r and capital is m v tu a l and all schemes of philanthropy whic h strive to draw antagonisti c lines betwee n t hem wrong the laboring man while they misrepresent the nec e s sar y ” force of capital the . , , , . , . , , . , , , , . “ , , , . P S E E CH O F A t a p arty A B IB LI O G RAP HE R . literary gentlemen where the conver satio n turned upo n the subj ect o f rare bo oks o n e O f the number w ho was known to be learne d in this branch o f kno wledge was called upon to respo nd to i s do m tha t i s i n O l d books — hfa y w this to ast T he w e ne ve r ce a s e to dr i n k a t i ts fou n ta i ns H e began by r e n arking that their to ast remin ded him o f thi s anc i e n t t erse of , . , , ” . , “ Fr o ou t th e C o m e th An d o u t O al l of O C o m e th ld f ld s e e e t hi s n e w a ll t hi s n e , me co r n e l de b o k s o as , we in , n s ai e fr o g o de s ci e n ce y th, e re to ye re ; fa i e th , th a t m e n l e re . T HE M O D EL S PEE CH M AKER 1 16 - . O l dfashioned as this language soun ds it is neve r th e l e s s true to an extent w h ich few mo dern rea der s are prepare d to a dmit For in s tance M r R alph Wal do E merson i s con s i dere d one of the mo s t original of all r i te r s our mo dern thi nke r s and w a n d yet t h e stu de n t who is familiar wi th the works of that o l d G r e e k E pi c ’ tetus a n d with o l d H i e r o cl e s divine bo ok upon the gol den verses of the P y thagoreans will discover the fountains from which Mr E merson has drawn nearly all the beauty a n d fre s hness of his philosophy In E pictetus especially he will find the very novelty of ’ Mr E merson s style which has been so much a dmire d eve n by tho se who dissent from his opinions I speak ’ no t this with a view to Mr E merson s discre dit— s e far from it that I sincerely wish we h a d more like him who have the learning a n d patience to drink from thes e ancient fountains of wis dom It is a happiness to believe that the students a n d lovers o f ancient and rare bo oks are i n cr e a s m g i n n umbers every year ; in deed t here has never been a time when rare bo oks a n d manuscript s were no t e n th u s i a s t i ca l l y sought for by men of taste a n d lear n ing But there have been particular perio ds when this r e markable deman d fo r o l d bo oks amounte d almost to a m a ni a S uch was t he case at the clo se o f the se ven t e e n th century when a desire of forming vast libraries of a ncient bo oks a n d rare manuscript s l e d them t o search no t o nly the whol e of E urope but the E ast ; a n d thi s was the source o f many impost u re s a n d of S ome cheats or ignoran t s ome ri diculous mistakes perso n s sent over from India to P aris a number o f - , , , . . , , , , , , . . , , . , . . , , . , . . . , , , . , , 118 M O D EL S PEE T HE CH - M AKER . ’ a fine e dition of H olbein s D ance o f D eath at two dollars but still the o l d e ditio n sells quick at from six to ten dollars A han ds ome mo dern e dition of ’ Milton s P ara dise L ost can be bought for a dollar but almost any of the e ditions publishe d previous to 1 7 90 are worth five dollar s a n d the fir s t e di ti o n of 166 9 will bring from fifteen to thirty dollars A fine n e w ’ e dition of P ope s Translation o f H omer can be h a d for two dollars but the first edition is worth from twelve t o twenty dollars ’ C ol S tanley s celebrated library o f rare books n u m bering only volumes which was sold at auctio n in L on don in 18 13 brought the immense s u m o ffor ty l i s he d , , . , ‘ . , , , . , . . , , wh , one dt thou s an , u ndr e o d a nd thi r ty t - bo oks , bi o o ars . C OLLE C TI ON which numbere d only ought in 18 15 f or ty tw o tho u s a nd tw o T H E E D WAR D S 830 wd ll , - , hu ndr e d a nd s e ve nty rhi lla r s A nd the famous . AL C H O R N E C OLLE CTI ON of only 18 7 for e i g ht tho u s a nd e i g ht , volumes was sold in 18 13 hu ndr e d a ndfi ftyfi ve dol la r s But I h ave known some curious instances of i g n o r ance among the dealers in o l d books in this city In 1 8 52 I bought at a secon dhan d bo ok s to re in N ew ’ York a fi n e copy o f Braithwaite s E nglish Gentleman publi s he d in 16 3 0 for seventy fi ve cents A copy of the same work is marke d in the Biblio theca S t a n l e i a n a at £ 4 4 8 P robably the learne d dealer in rare bo oks in Go tham gave some hungry man o r woman about six cents for this scarce a n d curious bo ok I knew a gentleman w h o bought at a secon dhand o o ok s t o r e in P hiladelphi a, some ten y e a rs ago a copy , . 4 . - , , , , - . , . . - , , S P EE CH O F A BIB L I O G RAPHER 119 . the G OL D EN L E G EN D published by W yl l y a m C u x to n i n 14 7 3 for the pittance of ten dollars A copy o rk was sol d from the A l ch o r n e collee o f this scarce w tio n fo r £ 8 2 198 Wi thout any unkin dnes s to e may say that he i s no t a lit t le i n Mr L o n gfell ow w debted to this bo ok fo r the idea o f his work o f the same title O n e of the rarest o f o l d bo oks i s S i r John Frois ’ sart s C r o n ycl e s o f E ng l a n de P raunce a n d S p a yn e L or d Berners t ranslated bv S vr Johan Bo u r ch i e r from the press o f P yn s o n in 152 5 A t the S tanley sale this extremely rare bo ok brought £ 3 9 17 s A well kno wn literary gentleman re s i d ing in o ne o f the no rthern counties of the S tate of Yo rk had a copy of this scarc e and curiou s wo rk Ne w i n a rare collection o f o l d bo oks which he ha d been twenty years in collecting but in a m oment of m i s fortune to protect his invaluabl e library from the grasp of rapacious cre ditors he m ortgaged hi s whole collectio n to a fr i e nd who having himsel f become embarra s se d so o n conceived the i dea of savi n g him self by dispo s ing o f sai d library But when h e broke Open the boxes instead o f what he expecte d to find viz massive bo oks g l i t cr i ng in thei r n e wgilt bind ings he was horrified at the sight of a lo t of r a gge d musty o l d bo ok s which looked as though they ha d ’ n o u t with the rubbish from N o a h s ark bcc n th r o w H e h e s i t a te d do u bte d lo oked thun derstruck but no t qu i te daring to trust his own ju dgment he calle d in the bookseller o f t he vill a ge a wise and consequential ho saga d e aler in spellin g books and flash novels w of . ‘ , . , . . , . , , , ” , , . , . - , , , , , , , , . , , t . , , , , ' . , , . , , - , THE M O D EL S PEE CH M AKER 12 0 - . pronounce d the whole collection w o r th n ot o ve r fifte e n dou a r s a s o n e of the mo s t S o here w curious private librari es in A merica which h a d co st t h e collecto r no t less than kno cke d down by the ignorance o f a stupid bo okseller to the ri diculous figure o f fifte e n doll a r s A lthough there were many bo oks which were worth their full weight in silver yet to these ignoramuses they di d no t appear worth boxing up ag a in and they were left Open expo se d to the Go ths a n d Van dals o f a country village where the c o ntents o f a rum Sh e p o r a lager bier cellar sto o d a much better chance o f being un derstoo d a n d a ppr e c i a t e d than a library o f rare books of the 15t h a n d A nd 10 when the literary gentleman l 6 th centuries came back fo r his precious tomes they h a d vanishe d — nobo dy knew where and had been use d for n obo dy could tell what ! Thus was destroyed o n e of the most valuable private collections of curious old bo oks in A merica But no twithstanding such unfortunate cases as these there is no doubt that there is in our country an i n creasing love o f rare o l d bo ok s a n dwith this growing taste will come at last a gen u ine improvemen t in o u r n lit e rature ow ci ou s l y . , , , . , , , , - - ' , . , , , . , , , , , , , . P L S E E C H O N E N G I SH B E NE V O L E N C E IN T H E U . S . A t a dinner party where the speaking turned upo n th e b e nevol e nce o f the E n gli s h i n s e n di ng funds fo r - , M O D EL S PEECH M AKER T HE - . do ors peri s hing of col d a n d hunger and dri n king per f a n t that no slave in A merica a cup l O f w e t u a l o p y ever y e t tasted In the sanitary reports of the mining districts o f E ngland we are ma de acquainted with a depth of misery which never before attracted the eye There he may see in ro oms fifteen o f civilized man feet square t w o rows of beds with no opening for air where as many as fifty men sleep in s ixteen be ds i h e r e there is no t a fla g o r board o n the flo or which is covered with small puddles o f filthy water Mr Wo o d tes tifies that in L ancashire he found fo r t v eople sleeping in the same ro om here all decency w p and deli cacy were lost in overwhelming squalor H e s ays the condition of the monkey house in the Z o Ol o g i cal Gar dens is preferable to that o f the laboring pop u l a ti on In D evonshire his report tells us that fami lie s o f six o r eight sleep in on e bed— father mo ther u u rown sons and da ghters I have foun he says d g p t hat if a number o f empty casks be placed alo n g the Street in Whitechap el so on each will have its tenant A work entitled L ondon L abor and L on don P oor which has been r e published in this country gives us an a m ount o f shocking detail o f the con dition o f the po or or k e r s o f E ngland which the history o f no o the r C ountry has ever recorded ” I attended the Garden (C ovent) sai d o n e poo r “ m a n ? for a week and lived entirely on the o fi a l o f ” ” I walked about said ano ther two t he m a r k e t days and n ights without a bit t o eat except what I — e a dog k e in the g utter and ate like oran g i n d u p p ” cabba g e st eel d i d u m s a nythin g I co uld g e t p p , , ~ . , . , , , , w , , . . » , , ‘ . ‘ - ‘ . , , , - . , , , “ ” “ . , “ , , w , , . ’ , , “ " “ . , , ” , ‘ , ‘ , ' - , , . S PEE CH ON GREAT NA M E S 12 3 . sir ! said a moth er it is hard to wo rk from — — morning u n til night little ones and all and no t be able to live by i t ei t her Y e s it is in deed very hard to s e e s o m a ny E ngli s h mo thers starving t o death while the E ngli s h la dies have plenty o f cash to send o u t here to o u r robu s t stalwart fi ghtin g vagabonds o f K ansas A n E nglish (L ee ds ) paper state d that at an inquest it was asserted and no t denie d by the surgeon tha t three hundred chil dren in L eeds alone were put to death yearly t o avo id the misery o f their living a n d the murde rers ere never discovered W ell eno u gh may C arlyle thun der o u t at the E xeter H all philan th e y would save the S arawah cut thr O pi s t s that thro ats with their po isoned spears but igno re the thirty thousand needle women the three millio n pa u per s a n d the C onnaught po tential cannibalism VVe in America may have many sins to ato ne for but the E nglish man o r the E n glish lady w ho sen ds his o r he r money here as a charity to o u r oppresse d is a g o od de a l fool i s h and not a l i ttle i mp u de n t while the A m e r i ca n that would a s k al m s o f E ngl a nd fo r o u r poo r o r oppressed fo rfeits his claims to respect while l i vin g and to a n hono red grave when he is dead O h, , ” . , , . . , , , , , w , . , , , - , ” . , , , , , . , P S E E CH O N G R E AT NAM E S A worshipper T he g of f r e a t na me s o . antiquity proposed thi s a nti — Ma the be t i y y q y u e ve r t oas t befo r e 12 4 M O D EL S PEE CH M AKER T HE to i nsp i r - w i th l o ve . t de e ds as he fg was n o speech maker himself he calle d upo n a wag gi s h friend to speak upon i t This to ast i s alrea dy realize d sai d he humo rously for the great name s of antiquity a r e always before us Fo r instance C ato keeps a sausage stand in W ashington market C ae sar ’ is a barber in the Bowery B rutus is a pork butcher s watch do g in C hristopher street George L aw ha s go t P omp ey in a s table on Fifth aven u e N ero is a parro t which curses and swears in the back yar d o f a hotel in Bro oklyn ; P lato is a lap dOg which is kisse d a n d caressed day and night by a b e a utiful la dy at the S t N icholas ho tel ; A ntony drives a fi s h wagon in t he nineteenth ward ; the great Gustavus A dolphus i s a falo ; A lexander is a cook in P hi l a de l Sheri ff in Bu f ’ phia ; C icero is a negro waiter at Barnum s in Balti more H orace edits a newspaper in N ew Yo rk H an nibal is a candi date fo r the Vice P residency o f the United S tates ; Abraham still ab oun ding in faith is running a race fo r a mansio n In Washington and John is tra velling in the wilderness hunting for the same pl ace while S tephen the Martyr yet lives in a n u n go dly place called Washington which is a djacent to the United S tates But gentlemen enough of thi s I confess that I have a profound appreciation of the sentiment o f the toast which has been o fle r e d by our learne d friend and I have no respect whatever fi r that narrow prejudice which is based in igno ra n ce al one that consi ders the wis dom of p ast a ges a s o f no importance in comparison with the achievemen t o f T he p resent is o nly a p art o f th e the p resent time u s , e u s a r ea o a nd - , “ . ” , , , . , - - - , - , . - - , - , , , , , , . , . , ' , , , s . THE M O D EL S PEEC H M AKER 2 6 - an inventory bo ast I am o T he P L w ne r o f th e ’ ta r s , h a n d, s ar s or d C hr i s t ’ s s ph A e re l ye b nd P l t o he a ar t, PO WE R A C Q UI RE L E G ALLY ca n ar , ’ a which we , a nd s o a r S E E CH O N T H E TO of the greatest things s e ve n s O f C ae Of of . s r ain a n d S ha , ke s p e a r e ’ s s tr a i n . U NI T E D OF THE ME X I C O AND S T AT E S C E NT RA L ME RI CA A t a dinner party statesmen and diplomatic gen t l e m e n the su bj ect of the rival interests o f E ngland a n d A merica in the C entral A merican Mexic a n and C uban questions became the subject of di s cussion A di s tingui s he d E ngli s h gentleman argued that A merica coul d never exte n d her boun daries in that direction w i thou t a bre a ch of international law which E ng lan d would feel itself forced to interfere to pre vent A n A merican gentleman replied that he was awar e the A merican and E nglish press h a d long appeared to be laboring with mutual anxiety in relatio n to the fin a l s ettlement of this questio n ; a n d there c a n be no do ubt t hat a feeling of painfu l alarm has reste d u pon t he min ds o f the m ore conservative people o f bo th co u n t ri e s A n d y e t I confe s s myself una ble to s e e a ny pro bable o r even possible groun d of colli s ion be t w ee n N o doubt E ng t he t w o governments o n this question - of , , , , . , , . , . , , . T HE s r nnc n o n U N IT E D S T A T E S l and woul d hate t o see the S tates of 12 7 . C entral A merica Mexico a n d C u ba absorbed by the United S tates and it is a very great doubt if it would be for the heal th and happiness of o u r country to do it but that we ca n do i t without violating any law o r taking any step that E ngland can rightfully object to is very evident to my min d Indeed if our government pleases to be so unwisely ambi t ious as to treat every S tate o n this continent as the bo a constrictor treats its victims — — slobber them all over a n d then s w allow them E ng land canno t and dare no t seriously interfere to pre vent us R easons as po te n t as those which ma de her finally hol d her peace when we acquired Texas a n d C alifo rnia would apply to every inch o f territory on this continent if w e chose to make them Fo r it i s not only the settled practice of the Unite d S tates but it is the rule of the E nglish government itself to a o knowle dge the de fa c to govern m ent of any country as i ts rightful government without the least regard to i t s — origin wi thout pausing to ask whether it is the chil d of long descent o r the o f fs pring of recent revolution E ngland dare no t quarrel with u s for o bservi n g that rule ; a n d under i t we can safely acquire whatever territo ry may be an obj ect o f desire to us W e are s peaking now no t o f what would be wise fo r u s to do but of what we legally have the power to do A Spirit o f enterprise and adventure is the rulin g characteri s tic o f the A meri can people a n d i t is no t in the power o f o u r government if i t were its wish to preven t them from seeking their fo rtunes in whatever new fields may tempt their ambition T he v may peace a nd , , , , , . , , , , . , . , , , , . , , , . , , . , , , . 12 8 THE M ODE L SP EE CH MAKE R - . abl y emigrate t o any sp ot they ple as e may bu y lan ds o r squat o n unoccupied land { may mul t iply and a t tract others until they bec o me an element of their own and then quickly acquir e a po wer that is necessarily in active conflict with the lower civilization of the coun try of their adoption a n dwhich in time must res ult in r e vo l u ti on and that is followed by i ndep e nde nce or th e — establishment of a new government all o f which nei ther A merica n o r E ngl and ca n prevent It m a y be ” s neered at as manifest destiny but it is ma nife s t de s ti ny n evertheless A merica has nothing t o do but to acknowle dge the de fa cto government whateve r i ts o rigin and where and ho wcould E ngland i nterfere ? The principle i s one which E nglan d is not entitle d t o dispute It is o n e which she has a dop ted a n dacted upon herself A nd it is moreover a principle of nu ques t i o n a bl e soundness and justice O u r alliances a r e with n a ti ons n o t with dyn a s ti e s Whatever form o f gov e r nm e n t a people cho ose o r acknowle dge that govern ment is rec ognize d as so on as it i s bondfi de establishe d even tho u gh it had its origi n in revolution o r usurpa Thus E ngland di d not hes itate to recognize t he t ion S outh A merican R epublics when they th r ew o ff the dominion o f the S panish C rown Thus too she recog ni z e d L ouis P hillippe as king o f France when t h e ’ revolution of July pl aced him on his cousin s throne S o it also recognized that brief and abortive French R epublic which had L amartine for its P re s i de n t and ledged L ouis N apoleon a s s oon a fterwar ds ackno w E mperor because he was so de fa cto notwithstanding l ar g e numbers o f hi s o w n countryme n and the civil , , , , , . ~ , . , , , . . , , . . , , , , . , . , , , , . , , , , T HE M O D EL S PEEC H M AKER 13 0 - . want and neglect S o di d C ollins Milton di d no t receive as much for his P ara dise L o s t a s a mo dern autho r gets fo r a shilling novel — h e r e f ce i vi n for that immortal work but fi t een poun d in s g three payments a n d th e great autho r finishe d hi s days i n obscurity Dry de n lived in poverty and di s tre s s ’ O tway die d in the street of hunger S teele s li fe was a perpetual warfare with the ba i l i fi s Gol ds mith was no better o ff and Fiel ding lies burie d in a factory burying ground at L isbon without a s tone to mark ’ the spo t S avage died in the poo r debtor s prison at Bristol Butler C hurchill a n d C hatterto n were little better O ff C olton the autho r of L acon etc bl e w o u t his brains in a fit of ma dness pro duce d by absolute wa nt What a tale O f p overty and misery is the life S hakespeare a n dthe great au thor s of o f Ben Jonson ! his time did no t sleep o n beds of down in gardens o f roses T he brigh t and beautiful S helley led a life o f unrest and sorro w N o wgentlemen how shall we talk of the wrongs whil s t the s e terrible facts are o f m ode r n authors scowling upon us out of the p ast ? The only rewar d which Theo dore Gaza receive d fro m Sixtus IV for his de dicatio n of the Treatise O f Aristo tle o n the N ature o f A nimals was the price of the binding o f his bo ok which the P ope generously repaid to hi m and which the author accepte d Tasso was no t more successful with his de dication s Ario s to ’ in presenting hi s po ems to th e car dinal d E s t c was salute d with sarcasm which w ill be remembere d a s long as his works The ol d hi s torian D upleix a very S penser die d o f . . . . . . . , ' . - , - . . , , . , . , , . , , , . . “ , , , “ . , , . , . , , , . , , S PEECH AN A U T HOR or 13 1 . clever autho r presente d o n e o f his bo oks t o the Duk e ’ and that nobleman turned abruptly o f dE pe r n i n ’ towar ds the P ope s nuncio ho was present and ‘ This is one of your bree din g authors he r emarked ’ i s delivered Of a bo ok every month ’ Burnet speaks o f o n e P rior and Whitlo ck o f ’ A nd yet we cannot deny o n e Milton a blind man that Burnet and Whitlo ck were men Of talents and reputation themselves But e read in H eath an ‘ Obscure chronicler o f civil wars that One Milto n since stricken with blindness wro te against S a l ma s i u s a n d composed an impudent and blasphemo u s bo ok ’ calle d I cono clastes O n e o f those ignorant but successful booksellers h o published things in numbers in P aterno ster r o ’ went to Gibbon s lodgings in S t James street and ad dre s sed the great author as follows S i r I am now publishing a H istory of E ngland done by several goo d hands I understand that yo u have a knack Of them there things and should be glad to give you every ’ reasonable encouragement A s so on as Gi bbon recovere d the use of his leg s and tongue which were petrified with surprise he ran t o the bell a n d Ordere d his servant t o show this e n ’ c ourager o f learning down stairs N ow ho wshall we co m plain of a want o f du e respect to the professio n o f a n author as a mo dern vice when s u ch autho rs as Gibbon could be thu s appro ache d in his time ? N O gentlemen m o dern authors h ave no reason to complain either O f the publi s hers or the public If , , , w , , . , . , w . , , , , , . - ww , , , . , , , . , . “ , , , . “ , , , ' , , . T HE M O D EL S P E ECH M AKER 13 2 - the p u bl i s he r s a n d place , my advice to . th e p u bl i c are willing to the a u thor s is to keep q u subj ect ; unle s s they open their mouths to J u ve n a l P e r i t u r az p a r c i te cha r tce spare a ’ al r e a dy doomed to di e , , . 13 4 THE T OA S T M A S T ER - ’ S C O M PAN I O N . ’ cruel wretch tou ches him o n s om e s o r e sp ot whi ch a nd i ng s akes him up a n d causes him to fla p hi s w s cr e a m and s ca tte r the afore s ai d i ns e c ts a bou t him until the very wind O f heaven is lousy with his enemie s In giving to asts i t is better to err on the si de O f mo desty and do to o little than to attempt to much ‘ v Vit is a sharp weapon and a dangerou s one in the han ds of a blo ckhead The moral o f the story of the monkey ho attempted to shave himself with his mas ’ ter s razor applies j u st as well in this place w , ” “ , , ” “ ” “ ” “ , , . . , , , w . , “ Th ou gh l wll ddl w i t h dg oth e r s u s e Sho u dn e v e r me th e m e e ye - e e - t fo o l t oo s l s ” . It is best for a gentleman who is going to a dinner where to asting and drinking may b e the order of the da y to arm himself with at least o n e go o d to a s t be forehand ; so i f the o ccasio n fail to suggest a better o n e he can fall back upon the O ne already prepare d , , , , . PA T RI O T I C TO AS T S . country o ur whole country and no thing but country Ou r , , ou r . America — The birthplace o f liberty and the asylum fo r the oppressed o f every lan d , . The Union— N O nor t h no south o n e a n d i n divisibl e , . , no east , no we s t but , PA T R I O TI C T OA S T S Ou r 13 5 . N ative L and — May it ever continue the abo de freedom and the birthplace Of hero es , A merican C ommerc e — of the S tates . May it be universally extended C onfusion to those fanati cs union of h w . conspire a g ainst the o . next P resident o f the United S tates— un der his administration may neither demagogues nor thieve s find place and O ffice T he . L iberty all over the world . Free commerce for a free people . L iberty May it n e ver degenerate into licentiousness D isgrace to the enemies of the C onstitution Weal th security and resistance , , O bedience t o Our the l aws — Judiciary mercy to . . Oppressio n . . The swo rd of justice in the hand Of . Disgrace to all malco ntents and a Speedy dissen t ions , e nd to all . A merican H eraldry of n — An ’ at u r e s no ble m an . honest heart , i h the breas t w t THE T OA S T M A S T ER 136 - ’ S C O M PAN I ON Ma y foreign fashions never corrupt . A merican manners . May the ambitious demagogue who strives to di s sever the union o f these S tates succeed in rising as high as the gallows , , . — R evol u tio n The Fathers o f our disgrace their parentage May May their sons neve r . love fo r o u r country be without bounds and love o f justice without fear ou r ou r , . The Am erican E agle— May she build her nest in every forest o n this continent . A merican V alor— May nations T he it of shine in the face all . — P eople American May they ever be blessed with political peace and domestic happiness . May every A merican when his country c alls Spr i ng ’ forth to meet his country s fo e , , . D efence C May quick t o strike and strike home of T he ou r — ountry ou r s oldiers be . , May all A mericans Share equally the blessings of lib e r ty and ever stand ready to co ntend for the right s and liberties o f mankind , . h May those w are disco ntented with their own coun ’ try l e a ve their co u n try fo r their co u n try s g o o d o , . T HE T OA S T M A S T ER 13 8 - American C ommerce of the o cean May - ’ S it C O M PAN I O N . be co mmander i h chief - - . P rogress o f o u r C ountry— May t e r e d by faction T he it never be fet . h o betrays his country never find a co u ntry May he w to shelter hi m . a m— Uncle S May the venerable Old gentleman so on sweep o u r legislative halls clea n o f pugilists duel i s t s and thieves , . , — box Ballo t May the vigilance o f the people pre serve i t from the corruptio n o f faction T he - . The Tree O f L iberty— May every American ever h a v e a belly full o f its fruit . w l i be r ty e enj oy r i n c i le s f r e e d o m p p of May th e never b e u sed to s ubvert . May the weight ou r credit of ou r taxes never break the b a ck . May the S on s Vir tu e of L iberty marry the D au ghters Of . Trade and Manufactures— May they never be cramped by the fetters Of monopoly Ou r . Ma y civil a nd religi ous liberty ever go hand in han d . PA T R I O TI C T OA S T S May peace a n d plenty ever res t A merican s oil 13 9 . the b osom on of o u r . h o try t o enrich themselves at th e May those w pense o f o u r country find the devil t o p ay ” ple n ty o f pitch ho t ” , , . The watchwo rd of A merica wever enj oy f May ’ e r ee Who s afr aid ? without fa cti on do m . May o u r country never cease to deserve wel and may we never cease t o deserve well country 1 . l iberty dawned may it splendor “ There r , is e i ts meridian to . In ational disputes may we never engage in a bad cause and may e never fly from a g o od o n e n w , Ou r C — onstitution halter Wh e r e T he u r or May its un q uiet fo es fi nd r est in a . The sp ot where O . l t he wwere b orn e wm a tt e r a l l o l v e n ca n o da y , an e , a n d th e d t he fo r m e r a ll ni A merican Boys — W ho have ar can al l gh t fi g ht ” . m s fo r their g irls , ’ fo r their country s fo e s Religio n factio n me n . wi thout sectariani s m and politics without , . 14 0 T HE T OA S T M A S T ER - C O M PAN I ON . ’ L et him who do n t like — in The land we live leave it ’ S it . — The P ress May i t ever be free without licentiousness a n d bol d wi t hout intolerance , . To the memory The br a i n the , t u ti o n WE B S T ER C LA Y and JACK S ON to ng u e and the s w or d o f the C o nsti of , , , . The upright electo r h never sells his vo te w o . The Three great A merican G eneral s — G eneral P eace G eneral P ro sperity a n d G eneral S atisfaction . , S uccess t o S ucces s May ou r , N avigation and C o mmerce to the P romoters of C ommerce like ou r , . C ommerce s ha do . w never s , American C omm erce— May it never be less du l l , be . but always be well J a p a n n e d . NAVA A rmy L AN D M IL I T ARY TO AS T S . — N avy The gallant sentinel s and of the n a ’ tion s hono r by land and sea at home a n d abro a d Ou r . , The A rmy and N avy Those twin giant defenders ’ ’ o u r nation s rights and our natio n s glory - s - . of 14 2 THE “ ’ T O AS T M A S T ER S C O M PAN I ON - M a y th e tar s A n d ove r h e r of C ol e ne u b p m i a tr i u m h an t mi e s a l wy s p e v i l a a r . ly s i l a , ” . h o n ever turned his ba c k to brave so l dier w the enemy n ever hav e a friend turn his back upon him M ay the , , . May A merican fortitude trial and dan g er a nd c ou r a g e e ve r mo ck at . May the Old A merican tar to ssed at sea al w ays find shore , , h w been tempes t wel come o n his native o a ha s . May every m utin o u s spirit find in the de a d s e a no place to anchor but . S taunch them H ealth ships well , r i gg ed , a nd brave tars to man . t o S oldiers , S ailo r s and all jolly fe llows , . The A merican N avy— May i t ever sail o n a sea o f i d e d u lory be wafted by the gales Of prosperity g g l by the compass Of justice and enter the port o f vic tory , , , . TO the sweet little cherub tha sits watch fo r the life Of po or Jack t u p aloft , t o k eep . T o the me mo ry i ng to n . Of the F a the r Of hi s — C ou n tr y Wash D R I NK I N G T OA S T S 14 3 . memo ry o f those w ho fought and bled with Wash i ng t o n to secure o u r independenc e T he . The glorious memory o f o u r a n cestors ’ life s blo o d to establish o u r liberty , h w o shed their - . T he T he A n d t he T he of discoverer wi d th t bl w n a o p t h t go e l as s th t l ve s s hi a s a the Ne to , l a s a i or . w World — C ol u mb u s K ING frien d and a bottle , o D R IN A s, TO AS T S give him . . A go o d supper a go o d bottl e and a go o d bed oo d fello w g , , . to ever y . A full belly a heavy purse and a light heart , , A bo ttle at night and business in , B e auty , it w , a nd win e gn e for s ham friends a ou r morning . . C lean gl asses and Old cork s C hamp the . . real friends and rea l pain f , o ou r r . G o o d win e g oo d , co mp any , a nd g o o d O ppo rtu ni ty . T HE T OA S T M A S TER 144 - fo r May we never want drink it wine ’ S , - c o M P AN I O N nor fo r . a friend hel p to . May friendship dr a w the cork and love the curtain , May we never see May all ou r “ M ay cares be dro wned in wine w lwy e T h e fe O l d W ine ’ H ere s frown in a bumper a as a t a s m i ng le flo wf . y b ow l , o . the heart that fills as the bo ttle emptie s to The delights o f music love and win e , To wine . i n th e fr i e n dl o f r e as o n , a n d t h e and young women of the big bellied bo ttle . , . . - — women Wine and taste for bo th may . w e ne ver be t o o t o ha v e Old a . — friend wife on e bo ttle and o n e the first beauti ful the second full and the last ever faithfu l O ne , , , H ere ’ s to , . , ’ ’ B acchus blisses and Ve n us kisses , C om e p u s h th e g o b l e t r ou n d a y du ll s o r r o w A n ddr i ve a w C o m e p u s h the goble t r ou n d A n d gi ve u s m o r e t O m o r o w , , , , - r . . 146 T OA S T M A S T ER T HE - ’ S C O M PAN I O N . his for m be well looke d u p ar ms Of a char ming wife May he never k now hat it is t o want a q u oi n T HE — R P R INTE May “ ' w i n the . . T HE T I NK E R — A de v out m a n , whos e life i s Spent r i e n i l m a m e the mistakes and t o d r e r i a g p g p wastes which other people have ma de in the , T HE — F IRE M AN The sentinel Of a homes ; ma y he protect the property a n d ou r burn only with ardor t o life o f the city May the flames o f dissention nev e r find fuel in heart The Fire D epartment —the army that dr aws water stead O f blo o d and thanks instead o f tears ; hi s . ’ - . , T HE — C ARPENT ER May he ha ve go o d T HE bo a r di ng — A C T OR A in w a r m ho use a a nd . bumper every ni g h t . P L UM B ER— Though his busines s i s to fu rni s h man kind with the dumb blessings o f l i g ht and water m a y he be a g o o d sp ou te r and easily turn his l e a d into g old T HE , , . T HE B L AC T HE BW KS — MI H Tu T f- M a y he e ‘ very s pecu l a ti on may he a lways al wy a s dr a wp u t for on con e n t ‘ A LL TO A STS EOE — OA n A T H E R D M AR E Of hi s c o u n tr y - PROTESSTONS. h wym w hi g h an a o 14 7 deserve s well . A CA A C O A L Mme nm . RD M AK E R - A Ma y he ‘ fu ll e a AN i n the T orl w cu u m s r t p p StO:u e r s e ve r . be g r a te “ knocki ng do wmay n he e ve r r is e d . D I S TI L L ER— Ma y T HE C O AC H M A K ER T HE — P A I NT ER M a to h i s y u . A U C TI ONEER—By HE ofte n t u r n - g ratify he May - h e y hi s ta s te ne ve r all h a ve a be hi s ou t of sp i r i ts w h l be ee s l t o o d l e a g p , Of tho s e a nd l nt e y p . MA N S W I RE — May the l i g htni ng of u nd t h r ne ver cause hi m t o be afr a i d o e f ’ E V ER Y . he r e e y . T H E SADD ne L — ER ver h a v e hi m May he s i t u po n a s oft cu s hi on a n d the misdeed s Of o ther s s addled upo n , . B O O K K EE PER— Ma y h e faith fu l l y k e e p hi s books a nd ma y hi s b o ok s ke e h p T HE - ' , 14 8 THE TO A S T M A S T ER - ’ S C O M PAN I O N A MAT O RY T O AS T S Fai r est Work T he Al l L Ove th a t ca n Beauty s best C C harm trik e ’ to s H e a rt s of N at giv e u r e S ight , . H e a rt e nj oy — omp anion Mo desty th e . — Wom a n a n d t he . . . a nd , Meri t to i w th n e . H appy L o v e r s a nd M e r r y M a id s . without licen tio u s n e s s and P lea su r e without ex L ov e , ce s s . L ov e witho u t deceit L ove t o o ne Fr iendship and L ov e May , V irtu e marry ’ May L ove s , a nd Matrimony without r egret to R easo n be fe w , and friends Goo d will a nd , all to Beauty . a nd . L a bo r never be lost w May the villain ho r o bs wi thout a friend ' a - . a . wom a n Of he r vi rtu e di e , . M a y the Flam e kindl e d it . of L ov e ne ve r bu r n u t h e p s park th a t 150 OA ST M A S T ER THE T Dr i n - k ye to he A nd i f ye T ha t “ K ATE , in a nu r s e a s to d bu t t o h e e wi l l n o t as bu mper , C O M AN I ON P . l o ve s b e s t e ach th a t l ’ T r ’ S , fla m e m u tu r k he r a nam e whereve r s he lb r e as t, . go e s . Woman s L ip s and Wom a n s H e a r t— May be sealed whe n the l a tter is n o t Open ’ ’ , the . LITE RARY AN D AR T IS T I C T he fathe r T he princ Of E nglish p oe try— G e o i e of T he founder — colorists T iti a n Of p The father Of h D avy r p y re y . Ch a u ce r . o etic a l r omanc e — L uigi P u lc i e xp e r i m cnta l . . phi losophy— Si r H u m . The father of mo dern philo sophy— R o g e r Ba c on father of Italian po etry— D an t T he The po et of T he father love — P etr a rch . — It lian pro se B occ a cc i o of a , . L ITER ARY A N D ART ISTIQ — T he fathe r Of e n gr aving Albert D u r e r C — T he first E n g lish printer Willia m T he princ e of po etical romance — The pri n c e o f novelists T he T he a x to n T he prince Of musici a ns de V e ga C orneille Mo z ar t The Milto n Of mu s i c — H andel The E nglish A nacreo n - - r . . . . — The prince Of portrait painter s V a ndyck - . w prince Of S panish po ets — L ope z father Of French . — riters A rio sto C ervantes — tragedy 151 . . . . H err i ck R ob e rt . — The prince o f lan dscap e pai n ter s C lau d e L orr ai ne — m or R a bel a i s T he father Of mo dern pr o s e hu T he prince Of pa i nter s —R aphael . . The father of mo dern essayis ts— Mo n tai g ne The fathe r Of biography — P lutarch . . . . T HE T OA S T MA S T ER S C O M PAN I ON 152 T he ’ - prince of P ortu gu ese po ets - C amo en The princ e Of It a lian composers— of The pri n ce of a T he ctor s — Garrick — f tra g edy E o i nv e n to r . Pai s s e l l o . dr amatic p oets — Sh a ke s pe a r e The princ e T h e father s . of th e se . . hyl u s . st a g e — Thespi s — The fa ther o f history H erod o tu s . . The g reat founder Of pr a ctical philo s ophy— S o cr a tes — The princ e Of sculpto rs P hidias The father — E u pol i s o f com e dy The prin ce of . . o r a tor s — D emo sth e ne s . The father Of m e ch a nic s — A rchimed e s The princ e of . pastor a l po e ts —Th e o cr i t u s — comedy . T he fath e r of L T he fa the r Of mo dern satirical paintin g— H o g arth atin P lautus . — T he prince o f Italian dramatists Al fi e r i . . . 154 T OA S T M A S T ER T HE A f i e n d i n th e “ r To fill ’ S - m or n i n w i h pl t u s A heavy purse and A freehold in a unmortgaged g , C O M PAN I O N e e he a r t t l a n d bl i s u u e as u r e at ni l de i gh t ' light heart a w a s . ght , ” . . leasa n t co try li g h tly ax u n t e d p , , an d . A health to those A health to ou r wlov e friends , be st e ou r s . weeth e a r ts C harity without o stentation and bigotr y . . C om e fill a b u m p e r . , M a y m i r t h, I n th e m , fi ll i t a nd W i ne an , l a o ne For t o be m e Le t wives eligio n without r , , a nd tr u e y ’ rr s r ou n d , bo dW i t a o e s wi d m li t b w i s o se e u nd ” . dull care b e drowned in sparkling wine E qual punishment villain t o the agged r r a sc a l . a nd the r ich . ’ Freedom s ‘C om e For T he , no n M ay fill pl u fi re— p yo e as u r e l e t t h i s be w e ’ ne e r May it never g o ou t . gl as s e s an d j o i n i n the ch ant li k e d i n k i n g g o o d a l e y ou m u s t u r ’ s , r t o a s t, W hi ou r wa nt , a fr i e l r nd o , ll gl du e a ca r e as s ’ of w e as s a i go o d a l e g l r a nt ; " . H ere s goo d health t o e ve r ybody le s t somebody should feel himse l f sli gh te d , . MI S CE LL ANEO US T OA S T S H owever rough the ro ad on to the end Of o u r L iberality 155 . of life , may j ourney wj e merrily og . in booksellers and inte g rity in a uthors , L ovely women— May they ever pleas u re u nder . fi nd pro tection and military a nd n aval power ou r . May we be able t o lo ok forward with backward without regret e leasur p , and . May w e n e ver br e ak ta ti e n a j ok e o th e ve r head of r epu . Ma y o u r i njurie s b e ships in marble witte r n in s a nd, a n d o u r fr i e n d ' . May the m o r nin g o f prosperity evening o f adve r sity n ot be forgo tten i n the . M ay flattery never sit in the parlor be kicked ou t of do o rs w May e look around with gratitude u s , n or plain deali ng . with pleasure and above , u s . e never swea r an honest girl o u t May w no r a n honest man o u t o f a just debt of her vir t u e . May th e s unshine of plenty dispel the clouds Ma y tempta tion never con q uer virtue . of care . , T HE T OA S T M A S T ER 156 - M ay wnever feel want e , e t o mu rmur rmur u e the a nd . the la w s ca n r e putation be May hO p e w itho u t ca u s e a have caus e n r o , . wnever make Ma y honor . . wnever m May C O M PAN I ON want feeling no r M ay hemp bind those whom no t ’ S of sw o rd o thers a of ou r ton g ues to wound . the physician h fi calamity i w e s be May fortune recover her eyesight and distribution o f he r favor s , the diseas e ju s t . i n t he . w May e always par t with re g r e t pleasu r e , a nd m eet again vi l th . May prudenc e o f day s andt emperanc e be crowned with leng th . wb abl e t shu l w d th d vil May w lways comma d s ccess by deservin g it Ma y e e n o n e a May a l l men principles of a an e e . u bas e p r inciples be ab a ndoned by . thei r . Ma y t he be s t da y co me . wh v e a e se e n be the wo r s t th a t i s to 158 May THE T May the flowe r of M a y t hi s be ‘ fig f A May ’ S C O M PAN I ON cutting satire never cut a friend ou r “ OA ST M A ST ER - m axi m ou r s of t he c ar e or wnever hesitate t e M ay w wi th M e y De f . a ffection never wither O l d ca r e wh ’ e re e r whi l t he r t a o cu - e a - . wi l d ' t ar e decay or r , wo l d i g g r ’ . friend when he s lat/fi o m u s an d the ti m e a n d fa t h e r w . o d of g es . W i ne , . May geni u s always beam in r adiance fro m the Amer i can sta g e . May i t never raise w M ay To w ’ e ne e r e rr is blush a on the face Of beauty for g e t th e i m m o r t al h u m a n — to fo r gi ve , divi n e of May superstition never make fo ols May every reform r a ke po review hi s p r og r e s s , e t ’ s line . , ’ . the wise . and every harlo t . “ T he m an t ha t W i th p a re S e n d hi m to A nd T he brav e women fa t hers wb e w h o e wi ll tt n ot be m e y gi l i n b se a u p r in W he y d, e a rr rr t i n hi s s te sto o d by the y a , d g . u ns of ou r fo re . ’ ’ Woman s smile and woman s tea r— o ne o ther to soften the heart o f m a n . to enlive n , the M A S ON I C T OAS TS H ’ e re s Li k wi t o the se e H l s i x te e n wi d wf fifty to th e m a i de ’ e re s b ol d to th e A n d he r e ’ n of an I ll Ma y Dr i n k t o t he r want br e ad qu ’ s e a n, t hr i ft Don . , a n e x cu s e for th e make toa s t to a gl a s s Giovanni a nd e , ” . . May hu n g er never fail to find a go o d co ok May the devil turn scoldin g wives y , war r a nt She ll p r ove e tha t e as , , if w p s l as s ’ wneve hfu de x t r a va ga nt t o th e h o u s e s as o o L e t t he t o a s t ’ b 159 . . lope with al l . B cch s n i t e d h o m j o lly m o t l s l l b o as t Of w d o ft i nvi te d M y th y t o o b B a lw ys th ge ne a l t o as t T o V e nu s a nd u a u r a e a e , e , ” r . M a y a l l sin g le men be married , be happy a o ar ur , a , d al l marr ied me n an . MAS O NI C TO AS T S . ve r y b r o the r b o th a n ci e nt a n d y o u n g W ho b r i dle s hi s p as s i o ns a nd gove r n s hi s t o n gu e Le t u s to as t e , , ” . A of pplicatio n the 2 4 inch gauge so t hat may measure o u t and husband o u r time wisely r O e r a p p - , . Al l the friend s of the cr aft . w e 160 T HE T OA S T M A S T ER - All fre e born sons w meet As e s quare Al l of ’ S C O M PAN I ON . the ancient and honorable upon the level may , w p art e u e th e I O p . faithfu l and tru e brother s . h hav been g rand masters w E very bro ther w h keeps the key f k l dg w All bro thers e o . o o e no t from intruders but cheerfu l ly gives it to a worthy brother , . w E very brother ho maintains and sincerity in friendship a consistency in love , . w worthy brother ho w a s at fir st duly prepared and who se hear t still retains an awfu l regard t o the thr ee g re a t li ghts o f masonry E very , ’ . G olden eggs lodge to every bro ther and , fi n ch e s ol d g to ou r . H onor and influence to e very publi c spirited brother - . w May every worthy brother h o is willing t o work a nd labor through the da y b e happy at night with his friend his love and a cheerful glass , , . , May all freemasons be enabled to act in strict formity t o the rule s Of thei r order . co n 16 2 T HE T OA ST M A ST ER - ’ S C O MPAN I ON M ay . the hearts o f freemaso ns a g ree al thou gh thei r heads Should differ , . ’ i n the h a pp i n cs s May every maso n particip a te bro ther of a . May every bro ther h a v e give a h eart to feel , a nd a h a nd to . May disco rd party ra g e and insolenc e ro oted o u t from among maso ns be fo r , , e ve r o ad of . May covetous cares May all freemasons vi rtue be g known t o fr h and i n hand un o - eem as o ns - in the . r . e b e more rea dy May w to publish the er r ors correct o u r o f a bro th er to May unity mind a nd t he lov e be wfa l ts th n u an . May all freemasons live May love animat e o in love hea rt e of and , die in pe a c e every mason v e r s ta mped upo n . . t he mas o ’ n s . May the frown s M ay of r e s entment be u nk nown a mong very free ma son be distin g u ished o rnament o f an upright heart e . by the u s . i nte r n a l MAS O N IO T O A ST S . May the br ethren in this place be united ano ther by the bond Of l ov e to i ne c a nd . May the gentle Sp i rit every mason of l ov e a nimate the heart of . May every freem a son h av e s o mu ch g enuine ph i l o s o phy that he may neither be to o m u ch exalte d with the smiles o f pro sperity no r t o o much dejected with th e frowns o f adve rsity , , . May the conduct o f maso n s be s uch world they dwell i n ligh t as to convinc e th e . h o i s r e gul arly May every brother w structed in the morals o f masonry e ntered be i n . May no May u freemason ta s te the bitter appl e s of a ffliction . nity friendship and brotherly love ever dis t i ng u i s h the br e thre n Of the ancient craft , , . e never co ndemn th a t i n May w w ou ld pardon i n o u r selve s bro ther which a w e . May freemasons ever t ast e dome s tic co ntentment a nd relish the s wee ts of . M ay conversation be s uch that by fi nd i n str uction wome n mo desty the a n d a l l m e n civility ou r , , , . yo uth may a g e d r e s pe c t it , 164 T OA S T M A S T ER T HE - ’ S C O M PAN I ON . May every freemas on hav e peace health and plenty , , . May the foundation o f every regular lodge be solid its buil dings Sure and its members numerous an d happy , , . May every freemason find constancy c e r i ty in friendship in love , and s i n . May hypo crisy faction and strife from every lod g e , , , be fo r e ver r o oted . ’ May every mason s conduct proving monitor be such as have an to ap . May honor and honesty distinguish the brethren May evening ou r fi e ct i o n ’ s ’ di version bear the mornin g s r e . ’ M a y the mason s conduct be n ot . uniform that he m a y be ashamed to take a r e tr O Sp e c ti ve view Of it so , . May virtue ever direct o u r actions with respect to ourselves j u stice t o those with whom e deal mercy love and charity t o all mankind w , , , . , May n o freemaso n desire plenty but with the o lent vie t o relieve the indigent w , be ne v . May the cares which haunt the heart be unknown to the fre emason . ' of t he coveto u s T O A Sf ’- T HE ‘ ’ MA ST ER S e oMP A N IO N i ‘ T o i nas én s ; and t o Mas s ns ” wi th wi t A n d a ll t he fa i r W ho ble s s t he m as t e yp T ha t s ti ll p To e ve r u re o f th e al l To tr u e T o m a s s nr y, fr i chds hi p , ‘ T he ma s o n w h know o C om e M ay ' ‘ m as o n s th e maso n ic m a s o ns , s b ai r ns l he s e cr e ar a ndu a nd , a n d ch ar m s a n d fa i thfu r e s e r ve s T he k ey s to n e r ’ ch ’ a r ms . t ar t ar t . . p r i g ht , l ove : tr u e va l u e t he . Of hi s a n dl e t i t u m r b p e r n o d o u p g mi r th a n d go o d fe ll ow s hi p a l w a ys a b ou nd ; , fi ll u ” at , , - A n d m a y th e wl d e Th a t fr e e m as onr Do th te ach or s e y ho ne s t he ar ts t o be j ovi a l andfr e e E TIQ UE TTE OF THE DINNE R TABLE - . INVI TAT I ONS DINNE R TO . IN V IT A TI ON S t o dine from a ma r ried par ty a r e s en t i n the name o f the la dy in some such fo rm a s the follow ’ in Mrs A B mith compliments t o Mr a n d Mrs S s g — Brown will be happy o f their company at dinner at ’ ” The answer 6 O clo ck Wednesday evening May 9th t o invitations t o dine accepting o r declining should be sent immediately and are always addressed t o the la dy If after yo u have accepted an invitation any thing o ccurs to render i t impossible fo r you to g o the lady should be info rmed o f it imme diately It is a great breach o f eti q uette n o t t o answer an invita tion as so on after i t is received as po ssible and it is an i n s ult t o disappoint when e have promised , , , “ . . . . . , . , , , , , . , , , . w , . Invitation s t o dine fro m bachelors t o a p arty o f bachel o r s may b e less fo rmal O n e o f the wealthies t b a chelors of L ondo n and a famous eater always carries his p o ckets fu ll o f cards Of which the following is a n e x a ct copy — Turbo t and L obster sir at six ; sh a ll be happy Of your company Thes e he is i n the habi t o f ha nd i ng a bo u t v e r y l i be r a lly . , , , , “ , . . , ' 16 8 E L etters TIQU E TT E O F T HE D I NNER T A B LE - . cards Of invitation should always n am e the hour o f dinner ; a n d well bred people will arrive as nearly at the Specified time as they can B e sure and n o t be a minute behi nd the time and yo u should no t g et there lon g before unless the invitation requests u o t p articularly o come early fo r a little chat befor e y dinner or - . , , . A lway s a dinner neatly dressed as possible s g T he expensiveness o f your apparel is n o t o f much i m p ortance but its freshness and cleanliness a r e i n di s p e n s able The hands and fi n g e r nails requ i re esp ecial atten tion It i s a great ins u lt t o every l a dy at the tabl e fo r a man t o s i t d o n to dinner wi th hi s hands in a bad conditi o n o to a . , - . w . . L M AN NE R S A T T AB E . N othin g more plai nl y s hows the well bred man than his man n ers at table A man may be well dressed - , . — — may converse well and these are all in his favor bu t if he is aft e r all unrefined his manners at table wil l ” be sure t o expose him If he is a n fa i t at dinner he has passed on e o f the severest tests o f go o d breeding A ny unpleasant peculiarity abruptness o r co arse , , , . . , , ess Of manner s i s e specially o fi e n s i ve at tab l e P eopl e are more easily disgusted a t that time than a t All s u ch a cts a s leanin g Over o n o n e sid e a n y o ther ' n . , ‘ . E TIQU ETT E 17 0 OP TE E D I NNER T A B LE - . The reason for i t probably is that in convey ing fo o d to the m ou th o n a knife it is in some danger o f fall i ng o ff a n d dropping ba ck into the plate or o n t h e table T he knife is used for cu tti ng a n d the fo r k o r sp oon for fe eding D r Johnson and D ean S wift use d to p ay little attention to this form o f etiquette but as yo u are neither D r Johnso n nor D ean S wift i t i s doubtful if you can a fford to disre g ard it qu e tte . , , , . , . . . , . Making a noise in chewing your fo o d o r breathing hard in eating are unseemly habits which will b e sure t o get you a bad name at table among people of go o d breeding L et it be a sacred rule that yo u ca n n ot u s e y ou r knife o r fo r k o r te e th too q u i e tl y , , , , . . , , Avoid picking your teeth if possible at table fo r , , , however agreeable such a practice might b e to yo ur self i t m a y be o ffensive to o thers T he habit which some have Of holding o n e hand over the mouth do es n o t avoid the vulgarity o f teeth picki n g at table . , , - . N either ladies nor gentlemen ever wear gloves at table un less their hands from some cause are t o be seen , , , not fit . rapid eating ; the o n e wil l did no t like your di nner and a ppear as though y o u the other as though yo u were afraid yo u would no t g e t e nough A void to o slow or to o , . It is not go o d ta s t e t o pr a i s e e x tr a v a g a n tly e v e r y ON GI V I N G D I NNERS dish 17 1 . that is s e t before you ; but if there are some t hings that are reall y very nice it is well to speak in their praise But above all things avoid seeming i n di fferent to the dinner th a t is provided for you as that might be construed into a dissati s factio n with it When the Duke o f W ellington was at P aris as com mander o f the allied armies he was invited to di ne with C ambaceres o n e o f the most distinguished states men a n d g o u r ma nds O f the time o f N apoleon In the course o f the dinner his ho st having helpe d him to some r e che r che dish expresse d a hO p e that he foun d it agreeable Very go o d said the D uke bu t I really ’ ” ” do n t care what I eat G o o d G o dl exclaimed C ambaceres as he started b ack and dropped his fork ’ don t care what you eat 1 What di d you come here ” fo r then ? A t the time the D uke ma de this Sho cking blunder he was probably to o much a bsorbe d about Waterlo o to know what he w a s saying at table , , . , , , . , , , . , , ” . , , . , , , , . If you ask th e waiter for anything you will be ca r c fu l to Speak t o him gently in the tone of r e q u e s t a n d no t o f comm a nd To speak t o a waiter in a driving manner will create among well bred p eople the Su s i i c o n that you were sometime a ser ant yourself and v p are putting o n a i r s at the thought o f your promotion L ord C hesterfield says : If I tel l a fo o t m a n to bring m e a glass o f wine i n a rough insulting manner I s houl d expect that in obeying me he woul d contrive t o S pill some o f it up o n me a n d I am sure I should de ” s er ve it , , . - , , , . , , , , . , , E TIQ U E TT E ON O F THE D I NNER TA B LE - . G I VING D INN E R S . It is a mistake n idea whi ch man y peopl e entertain to suppose that a man can get either r ep u ta ti on o r r e a l fr i e nds by giving a great many expensive dinners I n the first place if a man dines people beyond his m eans he gets a very bad reputation and even the friends who e at them go away despising the man for his folly in inviting other people to eat up his substance A man w ho n o t long since absconded from N ew York a a s so famous defaulter t o the Federal Government w for his splendid dinners that even the frien ds who ate the m were prophesying for three years that he must in the end co me o u t a defaulter While laughin g over his sparkling wine it a s still impo ssibl e to keep the feeling o f contempt from choking them in thei r thro ats , . , , , . , , , , , , w . . The most expensive and splendid dinners are no t by any means necessarily the most enj oyable and the mo st desirable The Splen did R oman banquets so famous in history were much more remarkable fo r profusion and costliness than for taste The o nly merit o f a dish composed o f the brains o f five hun dred peaco cks o r the tongues of five hundred nightingales al must have been its dearness ; an d if a mode o f s w lo wing the most money in a given ti m e be the de s i de r ’ atum commend us t o C leopatra s decoctio n o f dia monds though even this w a s fairly excee de d in origi n a l i ty and neatness o f conception by t h e E nglish , , . , , . , , , , E TIQ U E TT E O F T HE 17 4 D I NNER T A B LE - . If you woul d really please your guests at dinner your care shoul d be directe d no t t o th e expen s e and S plen dor o f your china but to the q u a li ty o f your vict u a l s ; n o t so much t o the number a n d varie ty of dishes as to their goo dness A S ingle joint well cooke d with the proper vegetables will give better satisfaction than a do zen kinds of meats a n d game ba dly co oke d O f all the an noyances at dinner the S ight O f a rare dish spo iled in the co oking a n d dre s s ing is the worst Therefore unless you are sure of your co ok it is the s afes t way to confine your feast to those plain staple dishes in the preparatio n Of which i t is no t easy to get astray , , , . , , , , . , . , , , . It is al w ays best fo r the lady Of the house where a dinner party is to come O fi to be dressed and rea dy to appear in the drawing room as early as possible so that if any of the guests shoul d happen to come a little early she may b e prepare d t o receive them It i s awkwar d for bo th partie s where visitors arrive be fore th e la dy O f the house is rea dy for them If it is neces s ary fo r her to keep an eye upon the dinner it is still best that she shoul d familiarly receive her gue s t s and beg to b e excuse d if it is necessary for her to vanish o ccasionally to the kitchen A real la dy is no t a s hame d to have it known that she go es into the kitch en ; o n the contrary it is more likely that she will be a little prou d o f being thought capable O f s u p e r i n ten ding the preparing feast , " - , ’ - , . , . , , , . , . It is not in go o d taste fo r th e lady of the house , ON GI V I N G he re w D I NNER S 17 5 . a dinner is given to dress very much She leaves it fo r her lady guests to make what display th e y please a n d She O ffers no rivalry to their fine things S he contents herself with a tasty ne g l i g é which ofte n proves the most fascinating equipment after all espe c i a l l y if the cheeks become a little flushed with natu ral blo om in consequence O f the exercise and anxiety incident to the receptio n o f the guests . , - . , , , . , , . When dinner is on the table the lady and gentl e man O f the house will have an opportuni ty o f s howing their tact by seeing that the most distinguished guests or the ol de s t are shown into the dining ro om first and h o are by making those companions at the table w most likely to be agreeable to each o ther The lady o f the house may lead the way o r follow her guests into the dining ro om as she pleases A mong tho se h o delight to follow the etiquette o f the E nglish n o w bi l i ty the latter practice is followed But the pr a c tice must not be considered a test o f go o d bree ding in A merica If the lady leads the husband will follo w behin d the guests with the lady o n his arm who is to sit at his side The Old custom is still follo wed to some extent i n this country o f the lady taking the hea d Of the table with the two most favored g u ests seate d the o n e at her right a n d the o ther at her left han d ; hile the gentleman of the house takes the foo t o f th e w o ladies m o s t table supporte d o n each side by the t w entitled t o consideration But this Old rule is by no means sla vishly followed in polite so cie ty in thi s countr y , , - , , . , - . , . , . , , . , , , , . . E TIQU E TT E 17 6 T HE OE D I NN E R TA B LE - . The lady and g entleman o f the h o use are of cours e helped last and they are very p articular to no tic e every minute whether the waiters are attentive t o every gu est But they do no t press people either to eat more than th e y appear t o want n o r i ns i s t upon their partaking Of any particul ar dish It is allow able for you to recommend so far as t o say that it i s ” considered excellent but remember that tastes di ffer a n d dishes which suit y o u may b e unpleasant t o o th e r s a n d that in consequ e n ce of y o ur u rgency some mo dest people might feel th e mselves compelle d to partake o f what is disagreeable t o them , , , , , . , . , “ , , ' , , . N ever Speak harshly imperatively t o your ser vants in the presence o f your guests It w o uld be as annoying t o your guests as it would be cr uel t o you r servants If they make any mistak e o r break any thing yo u will avoid keeping the attention o f the party to it for a single minute R emember that you canno t seem to be annoyed yourself without annoying your frien ds at the same time S ome men h ave a brutal way of scolding and dr IVI ng their servants in company but it will be di ffi cult fo r such a brute to get a well bred l ady o r gentlemen to his house t o dine a second time h o is in the habit A nd what shall be said of the man w o f S peaking ill naturedly to his wife before her g u e s t s t There is no language that can justly describe hi s bru tality and we shall therefore n o t attempt it or . . , , . , . - . - ‘ , , , . Avoid by all means everything unpleasant at table If a ny o f your gues t s S O far for g et the rules o f go o d , , . E TIQU E TT E O F T HE 17 8 D I NNER TA B LE - they leave the gentlemen all rise and the the do or opens it for them , , . one nearest . The polite and noble R oman L ucullus sai d that there was as much care to be taken in the right man a g e m e n t of a feast as in the marshalling o f an army that the o n e might b e as pleasing t o friends as the o ther terrible t o enemies , , , . ON A great deal CAR VING . the comfort and satisfaction o f a go o d dinner depen ds upon the ca r vi ng A wkward carving is enough t o spoil the appetite of a refined and sensitive person N o matter ho w well the meats may be co oked if they are mutilate d torn and hacked to pieces o r even c u t awkwardly o ne half o f their rel i sh is destroye d by the carver Formerly in E nglan d there were regular teachers o f the art of carving and L a dy Mary W o r tl y Montag u e confesses that She once to ok lessons of such a professor three times a week B esides the annoyance and m o r t i fi ca t i o n of bad carv ing it is a very extravagant p i ece of ignorance as it causes a great waste o f meats In the seventeenth century carving w a s a science t hat c arrie d with i t as much pe dantry as the bu s ine s s of school teaching do es a t the presen t da y ; a n d for a per s o n to u s e w r ong a s an unpardonabl e terms i n relati o n t o carvin g of . . , , , , , . , , , . , , . , - , w CAR V I N G ON r 4 . 9 ront to etiquette C arving all ki n ds o f small bir ds i ng it ; a pheas a s called to thy them ; a quail to w ant t o a ll a y it ; a duck to e m br a ce it a hen to sp oi l her ; a goo se t o ta r e her and a list o f similar tech n i c a l i ti e s t o o long and t o o ridiculous t o repeat f af w . , , , , , , . D r Johnso n said that Y o u Should praise n o t ridi cule your friend who carves with as much earnestness o f purpose as though he we re legislating “ , , . , . The best way t o cut a H A M in o rder that the fat and lean may b e served evenly is to begin in the middle Though o f the ham and cut o u t thin circular slices go o d carvers often begin at the large end o f the ham which is certainly the most s avi n g a y , , . , w . . In c a rving a ro ast S I RLO I N O F BEE F you may begin at either end o r in the mid dle The outside shoul d be sliced downward to the bo ne while the inside o r ten d rloin p art sho u l d be sliced thin lengthwise a n d a li t le o f the soft fat given with each piece You may ask whether the outsi de o r inside is preferred ; o therwise a small bit o f the inside Should be served with each plate as this is generally regarded as the mos : choice portion , . , , e , , t . , . But little skill is required in carving a It s hould be cut in thin smo o th BE E s lices R O UND “ , , a nd OF even . A F I LLE T or YEAL should be cut in the same way as 18 0 E TIQU E TT E O F T HE D I NNER T A B LE - . a round o f beef A sk whether the brow n o r o utsid e is preferred If it is stu ffed cut deep through the fi ng and serve each plate with a thin slice with a s tu f li ttle o f the fat also . . , , , . In carving a L E G O F M UTT ON slice i t l i g htl y for if o u press to o heavily the knife will no t cut and you y will s q uee z e o u t all the gravy and serve your guests with dry meat B e gin t o cut in the mi ddle as that is the most juicy part C ut thin deep slices and help each person to a little o f the fat and some o f the bro wn o r outside , , , , . , . , , , . In carving a FORE Q U AR TER O F L A M E separate the shoulder from the breast and ribs by passing the knife under and thr ough i t ; then separate the gristly part from the ri bs and help from th a t o r the ribs as may b e chosen , , , , , . A O F M UTT ON is the leg and a part o f the loin In carving help to about equal parts of the fat C ut each part o f th e loin and the lean o f the leg direc tly down through in slices about a quarter o f a n i nc h thick H AU N C R . , . , , . A O F M U TT ON should be cut in thin slice s from tail to end beginning close to the back bone ; he lp s ome fat from the sides S A D D LE - , . P IG Shoul d be cut in t w o before it is sen t the ta bl e Begi n t o c a rve by separati ng the s ho u l A to R OA S T . E TIQU E TT E 82 T HE or D I NNER T A B LE - . N early all kinds of Small game birds are carved by simply cutti ng them in two from the neck unless they are given whole , to the tail , . N ever pour gravy over white meat as it would , s troy its delicate appearance de ~ . There are many little ways o f seasoning meats an d game which may b e done by the carver as for i n stance before cutting up a duck slice the breast and pour over the gashes a few spoonfuls of sauce made of port wine lemon juice salt and C ayenne peppe r O r after yo u have cut o ff the apro n and breast bone of a go ose p our into th e bo dy a glass o f p ort wine a n d a small teaspo onfu l of mustard , , , , , - - , , , . , - , . W INE AT T AB LE . A lmost every gentleman has wine at his table when , ever he has invite d gue s ts Indee d wine is considered an in dispensable part of a go o d dinner to which a gentleman has been formally invite d E ven i f you are a to tal abstinence man yourself yo u will no t if yo u are really a gen t leman attempt to compel a l l you r guest s to be so against their wish If you are so fa n a t i c a l that you have what is called conscientious scruples against furnishing wine then you shoul d i n vite none to dine who are no t as fanatical and big . , , . - , , - , . “ ” , WI NE A T T A B LE 18 8 . ted a s yourself You must consi der that a gentleman ” may have co nscientious scruples against dining with you on cold water for there a re even temperate and sober gentlemen who would go without meat as so o n as be deprived of their glass o f wine at dinner The vegetarian who woul d fo r ce his gue s ts to dine on cab bages and onions is hardly guilty of a greater breach o f etiquette than th e total abstinence fanatic who would compel hi s guests to g o without wine e . , . , , - . If there is a gentleman at the table who is known to b e a to tal abstinence man you will no t urge hi m to drink H e will su ffer his glass to be filled at th e first passage of the wine and raising it to his lips will bo w his respects with the rest of the g u est s a n d after that his glass will be allowed to remain untouched A s little notice as possible Shoul d be taken o f hi s total abstinence peculiarity A nd if he is a gentleman h e will carefully avoid drawing attention to it himself - , . , , , . . , , . It is no t now the custom to ask a lady acro ss the table to tak e wine wi t h you It is expecte d that every la dy will be properly helped to wine by the g entleman who takes her to the table or who Sits next to her But if you are in company where the old custom pre vails i t would be bet t er breeding to follo w the custo m o f the p l a c e rather than by an omission of what your entertainer con s i ders civility to prove him in face o f his gue s ts to be either ig n orant or vulg a r If eithe r a la dy or gentleman is invited to take w ine at tabl e they must ne ve r r efu s e if they do no t dr i nk they ne e d . , . , , , , , . , , E TIQU E TT E O F T HE 18 4 D I NNER T A B LE - . only touch the wine to their lips D O not O ffer t o help a la dy to wine until you see she has finished he r soup o r fish . . It is considered well br e d to tak e the same wine as that selected by the p erso n with whom you drink When however the wine cho sen by him i s unpalatable to you i t is allo w able to take that which yo u prefer at the same time a p o l o g i z i n g l y saying will yo u p er ” mi t me to drink cl a r e t ? o r whatever wine you have s elected . , , , , , . In inviting a gentleman t o take w m e with you at ta ble you should politely say S hall I have the plea s ure Of a glass o f wine with you Y o u will then either hand him the bo ttle yo u have selected o r sen d it by the waiter and afterwards fill your o n glass when you will politely and silently bo to each o ther a s y o u raise the wine t o yo ur lips “ , , w , w , , , . raising the firs t glas s o f wine t o his lips it is customary for a gentleman to bo t o the lady o f the ho u s e On w , . It is no t cus tomary t o p ropose toa s ts o r t o drink ’ deep at a gentleman s family table L ord Byron de ” scribes a largish party as first silent then talky then argumentative then disputatious then u n i n t e l l i ” i h l b e then a l e e r then drunk But this was t t o g g y a largish party which i t is to be hope d was given for the man ho drink s t o intoxication a t a taver n . “ , , , . , , ” , , , , w , , E TIQU E TT E O F T HE 18 6 D I NNE R TA B L E - . and general hilarity are demanded deep drink ’ ing i s expecte d Wine is a great Sharpener of men s ’ wits It was said o f A ddison s excellent nature that it ran over when heate dwith wine and he shone with the wit of Terence when in company with S cipio and ’ L aelius exemplifying the po et s S i mi l e o f the flying fi s h which so ars highest when its wings are wet m irth , . . . “ , ‘ . , It is however the first care o f a well bred man never to drink beyond his self control at table where t he comfort of the whole party is so much dependent upon the propriety of every o n e present But whenever a gentleman has the misfortune to forget himself as so me times will happen every o ther gentleman will do all in his p ower to make the best o f the acci dent C harles II dined with the citizens o f L ondon the year that S i r R obert Viner was mayo r who getting elated with continual l y to asting the royal family grew a little fond o f his maj esty The king unders t o o d very well how to extricate himself in all kinds o f di ffi cul ty and with a hint t o the company to avoid cere mony stol e O ff and made towar ds his co ach which sto o d rea dy for him in Guil dhall yard But th e mayor like d his company so well and a s grown so intimate that he pursued him hastily and catching him fast by the han d crie d o u t with a vehement o ath ’ ‘ a n d accent S i r you shall stay a n d take t o ther bo t tle The polite monarch lo oked kin dly at him over his shoul der a n d with a smile and graceful air r e s eated this line o f the o l d song - , , - , . , , , . . , , , “ . , , , w . , , , , , , , , ‘ He , that i s dr u , n k is as gr e a t as a ki n g ; ’ WI NE TA B LE AT 18 7 . and immediately returned back and complied wi th his ” landlord . D O no t praise bad wine fo r it Will persuade those W ho are judges that yo u are an ignoramus o r a fla t te r e r O n the o ther hand avoid seem i ng to n o t ice that it is bad unless the ho st calls attention to i t him self There is a n anecdote o f a man who being i n vi t e dby S i r Thomas Grouts who was proud of his wine to take a second glass of his Old E ast India replie d — was a dose had rather no t double the cap e n e O and at the first glass o f champagne he inquired whether there had been a plentiful crop o f go ose berries * last year , . , , . , , , , ” “ , , , . A s wine i s a very com m on subj ect discussion at table it is quite necessary that every gentleman should be able to converse understandingly upo n the charac ter a n d q u ality o f the various wines in use It is very embarrassing to be calle d upon fo r an Opinion and no t be able to give o n e and i t is still worse t o betray ’ one s ignorance o n the subject of conversation B e si des ignorance O f the history and quality o f wines may impress gentlemen with the idea that y ou h a ve no t been much in go o d company of , . . , . T he r e i s i n E ng l a n d. a g r e a t de a l o f ch a m p a gn e m a de of g oo s e b e r r i e s E TIQU E TTE O F T HE 188 T HE AG E D I NNER T A B LE - O F NVI N E S . . It is a great error a n d o n e which prev a ils exten s i ve l y to suppose that great age is n ecessary to the goo dn ess o f wine The quality o f the vintage has far m ore to do W i th the excellence of the ine than the number o f years i t has been kept P ort wine o f a go o d vintage is b est when n o t mo re than ten years H o ok s and clarets indeed will n o t keep till Old Old C hampagne is best at from three t o five years o l d ” S O that the phrase o l d wine ha s n o such wonderful charm for the well informed , , w . . , , . , , . . - . KN O W H OW T O A ll wines made G O O D WINE . of the j u ice o f the grape possess powerful odor which is quite a peculiar bou q u e t o r i n e dr i nk e r unmistak able to an experienced w This characteristic bou q u e t depen ds upo n the presence of ce n a nthi c ether which is pro duced by the fermentation o f the juice o f the grape and is therefore relie d upon as o n e of the general pro ofs that the wine is made of rapes By comparing the b o u q u e t o f a bo ttle o f real g grape wine with o n e ma de o f ci der go oseberries o r any o ther juice yo u will so o n educate yo u r nose t o be a tolerable detecto r o f bad wine ou t , , . , , , , . , , , , . Immature red wines are remarkably bright and red i n consequence o f the presence of phosphoric and o the r , 190 E TIQU E TT E O F THE D I NNER T A B L E - . port wine lo ses its strin g ency and acquires a slightly aci d taste it is unwholesome and is unfit fo r ho i s a mbi t i o ns t o g et t he use except by a person w gou t r e al , , , C E MddPAL HI E . faculty o f P aris in 177 8 pronounced champagn e to be the finest and healthiest o f all wines ; and ex cept in cases o f weak digestion i s if pure o n e of the safest wines that can be dr a nk It is the king o f wines at the convivial boar d in the Unite d S t ates — s o much so that when a bo ttle o f wine is propose d i t is understo o d to b e champagne unless some o ther name is expressly given Its intoxicating e ffects are rapid but excee dingly transient a n d depend partly upo n the carbonic aci d which is evolved from it and partly upon the alcohol which is suspen de d in this gas being applied rapi dly and extensively to a large The i dea that champagne S urface o f th e stomach pro duces gout is su ffi ciently refute d by the fact that the disease is very little known in the province where the wine is made Bu t it is undoubtedly t o be avo ided in cases where the disorder alrea dy exists especially if it has been pro duced by the to o free use o f strong liquo rs T he , , , , . ” “ , , . , , , , , , ” . . , , , . al It is a mistaken idea that champa g ne must be s w l ow e d as s o o n as p o ssible a fter it i s u nco r ked If i t . CHA M PA G NE 191 . really champagne it improves by letting it stand a little as after the gas has partly escaped it will o n t i r e l y retain the body and flavor of the wine w h ich i s to some extent concealed by its e ffervescence L o vers o f champagne do n o t drink it until its active e ffe r ve s cence is a little over A go o d way to test the qua l ity o f champagne is t o let it s ta n d t i l l the gas has con s i de r a bl y escaped and see if i t then p ossesses th e rich body a n d aroma o f W ine That fat a l poiso n wh ich i s manufactured in such immense quantities in this coun try o u t o f ci der and cheap R hine wine and almo st i n variably s e r ve d u p as champagne at poli t ical dinners will no t stand the above test A nd it i s no w o nder that those w ho have drank only this abominable drug should hold champagne t o be an unhealthy wine T he E nglish make a tolerable counterfeit champ agne of th e jui ce of rhubarb leaf sto cks and green go oseberries is , , , . , . ’ , . , ' , . , . - w W e often hear tho se h o are mo st Oppressiv e ly n conceits attempt to display thei r wise in their o w wi s dom by referring to the small geographical bounda ries of the champagne country a n d shrewdly deducing therefrom that not enough o f champagne can be made to allow a single bottle t o b e imported t o this coun try But fo r all that the species of wine known as champagne is manu facture d all over the south o f E urope of as excellent a quality as that pro duced in the district o f champagne a n d a vast deal o f t his genuine wine is imported to this country , , , . , , , . O ne of the most disti ng uished p o l i tical editor s i n E TIQU E TT E 132 O F T HE D I NNER T A B L E - . w United S tates ho has conscientious scruples against the use o f wine is in the habit o f making hi m self agreeable a t table by picking up the ch ampagne corks a n d pointing o u t to all the guests that the name o f the bran d upo n the end of the cork is printe d in A merican type A t great political dinners where a contract is mad e with landlords a n d public caterers to furnish the wine it is very likely that the impress o f American type may be found o n the ends o f the corks but that does n o t by any means prove that there i s n o t plenty o f real champagne imported into this coun try Just as go o d champagne can be fo u n d here as at But your only protection is the character o f R heims the house o f which you buy Just as go o d wine can be provided in the remo test inland towns o f A meric a as can be had in P aris o r Bordeaux W e have tasted as great a variety o f the finest W ines at the house o f Thomas A ndrews E s q in the city o f C hicago as can be fou n d in a n y city o n the continent o f E urope A nd there is o n e importing house in N ew York Brit ton C O N o 1 1 Bro ad street which imports on an average ten thousan d baskets a year o f the M e e t a n d C han do n champagnes which are p erhaps the finest and thu s o f all t he various brands o f champagnes ; here in N e wYork we have the be s t g e nu i ne cha m a g ne s that are made in E u r O e these brands the f O p p Grand Imperial o r green seal is perhaps the finest though many choose the Bouzy C abinet The Fleur de Bou zy imported by the above name d house sells fo r the same price as the H e i ds i ck and is a better A n d if a s i n W i n e th an even this favorite O l d bran d t he , , . , , , , ‘ . . . . . , , , . , . , . , , , , , , , , . , , , . - , , , . 194 m r ou T HE nr r n o n D I NNER T A B LE - . po w erful bouquet resembling a m i xture of violets and ” ra s pberries L a To u r and L afitte have bo th a bou d uet and taste iolet C larets are chiefly shippe v o s f q from Bordeaux and the most o f those above na m e d are from the neighboring districts o f M édo c The unm ixed Bordeaux claret is the safest and bes t for ordinary use : it is light agreeable gently e xh i l a r a ti ng and a n excelle n t q uencher o f thirst , . . - , . , ~ , , . AN WINE S G E EM . H o ck wines are great favorites in ho t weather . The most popul ar o f the R hine wines are the J oha nn i s be r g a n d the S teinberg which are alike a dmired for their delicious flavo r and ex q uisite bouquet , . the best second class Rhine wine are the H o ck R udesheim M a r k o br u nn e r and R o thenberg heim which grows o n the banks o f the Main ranks equally with these The frightful names of these Ger man i nes generally follow the cognomen o f the place where they are pro duced A mong . , , , , o w . . The favorite wines o f the Germans themselves are generally the delicately flavor e d Mo selles G r u n ha u s e r and S cha r r be r g e r are called the N e e t a r o f the M o s elle A very fine German wine called S traw wine f g rap es s o ripe that t hey require n o pre s s i s made o “ ” . - , , S HERR I E S 1 35 . ing but the juice distills through clean W heaten straw and imbibes its color It is a very expensive i n e a n d is n o t much kn o w n i n this c o u n try w , . , , . S HE RR IE S . Brande says Sherry o f due age and in g o o d co n dition is a fine perfect and wholesome wine ; free from excess o f acid and possessing a dry aromatic flavor and fragrancy ; but as pro duced in o rdinary market it is o f fluctuating and anomalous q u ality ofte n destitute o f all aroma and tasti n g o f little else ” than alcohol and water A lmost all the sherry wine in common use in this country i s o f th e latter de s cr i p tion ; and tho se served at the ho tels in E n g l a nd are if possible still worse n o twithstandin g sherry is the favorite dinner wine o f that country “ , , , , , , , , , , , . , , , . The best sherries are the p ale and light golden wines made of the Xeres grape though it i s n o t safe to ju dge to o f sherry by its color fo r art has instructed h o give the mo st inferior wine the delicate hue o f the gen u i n e article The finest sherry is the A montilla do ; but it is very rare and let n o man flatter himself that he often feasts his eyes o r his palate upon it i n thi s country In E ngland sherry is the di nne r wine bu t the Americans follow more in the French custom and e li q u e u r u s e it a s a vi n d , w , . , , . , , , . ’ E TIQ U E TT E I JG on T H E D I NNER T A B LE - . MADE I RA e could o nly eve r Madei ra is a delightful wine if w get a n y o f it But let n o happy enthusiast deceive himself with the delusive bliss that he is drinking pure Ma deira S o destructive has been the disease o f the vine in Ma deira for many years that such an event as any o f its charming wine reaching this country is n o t t o be hoped fo r , . . , . We are told that when the celebrated Malmsey is stored in the cellars the following benediction is pro h o lovest man L ord Go d thou w n o u n c e d over it : kin d direct thine eyes t o this W ine and those who shall drink i t : bless o u r vessels thrice blesse d as the walls o f Jacob and the p o ol o f S ilo am and as thou hast blessed this drink o f the apostles O L ord ! thou who wast present at the we dding at C ana a n d by changin g the water into wine revealed thy glory to thy disciples send thy Holy S pirit o n this wine and ’ bless it in thy name This bene diction certainly shows us the great value which is placed upon goo d wine in that co u ntry , , “ ‘ ‘ , , , , , , . , , . , . . An cu ltur e utho r o f a n interestin g work o n the o f wine s ays o f o u r A meri can win e s In ce m E nglish a “ , 198 E TIQ U E TT E T HE or T HE D O F D R IN ART I NNER T A B LE - KING . W INE . The ol d R omans h ad a practice of eating cheese to bri n g o u t the flavor o f the wine a custom which pre vails in E nglan d at the present t i me and is no t u n known in the United S tates , , . Wine drinkers vary their choice of wines to suit the seasons ; selecting light wines for summer and tho s e having more bo dy and strength fo r winter Thus in summer ho ck claret Burgun dy R hi n e i s h and hermi t a ge are generally i n vogue ; and in cold weather p ort sherry and Ma deira have their day - , . , , , , , , , . , , S ome are s o fanciful in their use of wines that th e y will drink only white wine with white meats and r e d wine wi th brown meats light wine with light dishes and stronger wines with more substantial food , , , . A t table in France red wines almost always pre cede the white In E ngland and A merica also red , , . , , wines usually open the repast after which the spark ling a n d exhilarating champagne keeps up the go o d temper of the merry guests In A merica especially champagne is no w al w ays taken with the meats and then a glass o f sherry usually closes the feast so far as the wine is concerned unless a glass o f brandy and ater follows it . , . , w If , . u o y invite a friend or t wto a q uiet o dinner at T HE ART or I DR N K I N G WI NE w 19 9 . our hotel r at your o house a genteel and u f fi o n s y cie n t course o f wine is t o e pen the dinner after the — so u p o r fi s h a bo ttle o f claret o r any light wine — to be followed by champagne and then clo s e the di n ner with a cup o f s t rong co ffee without the i n tr o du c tio n o f any o ther kind o f wine The pro du cing o f a great variety o f wines at a quiet visitin g dinner party lo oks like an o stentatious display an d is no t usually practised by gentlemen i n this country It is but a vulgar notio n which associates expense with gentility , , , , , , . - , “ . ” . W ine co olers are in dispensable in ho t weather as the practice o f putting ice into the glass with the win e is sure to destroy the fine aroma a n d delicious taste o f all the choicest wines C laret whi ch is kept in a e e l lar needs no co oling ; and in winter wine drinkers usu ally place it near the fire before unco rking as without a mo derate degree o f warmth it lacks the soft a n d delicious flavor which makes the chief merit o f this wine C hampagne in summer needs co oling until i t is brought t o the temperatur e o f the coldest Spring water - , . - , , , . , . , , A ME RICA N CO DE OFPO LIT E N E SS . P O LITE NE SS DE FINI T I O N O F ‘ AN D E T IQ U E I T E ' . has b e e n defi n ed as an a rtificial goo d but it would be better said that g oodna tu r e n atu re It inspires us with an u n r e mi t na tu r a l p ol i te ne s s ting attention b o th to pl ease o thers and to avoid givi ng them o fle n c e Its c o de is a ce r emonial agreed to give each u p on and e s t a bl i s h e d a m o n g mankind o th er external testimonies of frien dship o r respect P ol i te ne s s and e ti q u e tte fo rm a s ort o f s upplement t o t he law which en a bles so ciety to pro tect itsel f against Fo r instance of fences hich the l a wcanno t touch t h e l aw canno t punish a man fo r habitually staring a t people in a n insolent and annoying mann e r but e ti f ender from the circles u ctte can banish such an o f o f g goo d society and fix upon him th e brand o f vulgarity E ti q u e tte c o nsists in certain forms ceremonies and r ules which the p r i nci ple qf p o l i te n e s s es tablish e s a n d enforces for the regulation of the manners of men and omen in their intercour se with each o ther P o L IT EN E s s - . , . , , , . , w . , , , , , w . Trivial as these rules and ceremonies may appear t o th e u nr e fle ct i ng n e a r l v all the happine s which man , (2 00) s 2 02 C A M ERI A N TH E e o ns PO L IT ENE S S or . will have a ten dency to remind any one who is in the company o f past o r present troubles o r which can cause uneasiness of any kind to any individual , . A ny conversatio n (that is no t interdicted by de and p r O pr i e ty) which can be pleasing to the whole comp any is desirable A mus ement more than instruction even is to be sought fo r in social p ar ties P eople are no t supposed to come together because t he y are ignorant and o n such o ccasion need teaching but to seek a musement and relax ation from professional and daily cares A ll the E n g lish bo oks o n etiquette tell you that P a nn i ng is scrupulously t o be avoi ded as a Species of ale house ” i t and a savage remark o f D r Johnson is usually quoted o n the subj ect But punning is no more to be avoided th a n any other kin d o f wit and if all wit is to be banished fro m the social circle i t will b e left a stupid a ffair indeed All kinds of wit puns by no mean s excepte d give a delightful relish to so cial par ties when they spring u p natura l ly a n d spontaneously But fo r a man to o u t of the themes of conversation b e constantly straining himse l f to make j okes is to make himself ridiculous and to annoy the whole com pany and is therefore what no gentleman will be guilty o f c e n cy . , , , . , . “ - w . , . . , , . , , , , . ’ Whatever passes in parties at your own o r ano ther s ho use i s never repeate d by well bre d people Thi n gs o f no moment and which a r e meant only as harmle s s j o k es are liable to pr o duce u npleasant consequence s - . , , E N E R A L R U LE S G 2 03 . if repeated T o repeat therefo re any co n versatio n which p asses o n s u ch o ccasions is understo o d to be a breach o f confidence which should banish the o ffender from the pale o f go o d so ciety . , , , , . If it is ever your fortune to co nfer a favo r the n t most delicacy is re q uired in b estowin g it to prevent h o receives it Y ou i ts being an insult to the o n e w may bestow your favors in such a manner as to have it almo st appear that you are the o bl i g e d p arty Indee d yo u m a y say this : Y o u will confer a very great fa ” vo r; upon me by acceptin g A benefit conferred the a s a c ha r i ty is an ins u l t , , . . , “ . , . If you are fon d o f joking be very cautious ho w you l et your arrows fly b efore yo u are sure o f your c o m pany Many p eople canno t take a joke no r give o n e a n d o try your wits o n o n e so unarmed would be like o ffering to wrestle with a cripple A nd besi des tho se i n t e company w ho are constitutionally unabl e to comprehend a witticism would start at yo u with i n u i s i t o r i a l wonder and if they do no t annoy u the o y q y will show that you have puzzled and distur bed th e m , . , , t . , , n , , . . In a mixe d company never speak to your frien d of a matter which the rest do no t understand unl ess it i s s omething which yo u can explain to them and which m a y be made interesting to the whole party , , , . A gentleman will by all means avoid showing hi s l e a rnin g and accomplishments in the presence o f i g n o , , T HE A M ER I CAN 2 04 C O DE POL IT ENES S or . rant and vulgar people w ho can by no p ossibili ty understan d o r appreciate them It is a pretty s u re s ign o f bad bree ding to set people to sta r ing and feel in g uncomfortable , , , . . D ox no t talk loud in company It is pr e s u m p tion fo r yo u t o take it for granted that everybody present is anxious to listen to yo u and y o u may be sides disturb the conversatio n already g oing o n be tween o thers You will also if possible avo i d talk ing t o any o ne across the room If you have som e thing p articular to say t o an individual wait until o can g et Opportunity seat yourself by his a n t o u y side to o . , , , . , , . , . In E n gland it is regarded a breach o f eti q uette t o r epeat the name o f any person with whom you are conversi n g But the same rule do es n o t hold in Amer ica H ere i t is deemed no breach if y o u are con ver s in g with a lady by the name o f Johnson to say ” Well M r s Johns on do yo u no t think etc , . . , , , i t , . , , . In this country po or people often become suddenly rich but if they possess any o f the instincts o f p olite ness they will carefully avoid putting on airs o r tr y ing t o sho w o ff in the presence of their former poo r If they do so it only proves th a t t he a cquaintances acquisition o f weal th has no t cured them o f their vu l g arity bu t o nly helped them to make a more c o n s p i cu o u s and insulting exhibition o f it I was once at a b r i l li a nt p a r ty i n N e w York where a ma n ho ha d , , , . , , . , w T HE A M ER I CAN C O D E 2 06 POL IT ENE S S or . you speak o f you silver o f your j ewelry of your costly apparel it will be taken for a S ign that y o u are either lying o r that you were no t long a g o some bo dy s washerwoman a n d canno t forget to be remind i n g everybo dy that you are n o t so now , , , , , , ' , . There is a sort of acci dental and altogether e qu i vo cal type of city women who never get into the coun try but they employ their time in trying to astoni s h the country people with narrations of the fine things they left behin d them in the city If they have a dirty little clo set with ten valueless bo oks in it they will call it their l i br a r y If they have so m e small ro om that is used as kitchen parlor a nd dining ro om they i ng r oom will magnify it into a dr a w A nd a hun dred o ther l i ttle S igns o f their g r e a t vulgarity they will co n s ta n tl y insist on exhibiting to their country auditors , , . , , . , - , , , - . . D o no t di sp u te in a party of ladies and gentlemen ’ I f a gentleman advances an opinio n which i s di fle r e n t from i deas yo u are known to entertain either appear not to have hear d it or di ffer with him as gently a s p ossible You will no t say S i r you are mistaken S i r you are wrong I or that you happen to know better but you will rather u s e some such phrase as — P ardon mc i f I am no t mistaken etc This will give him a chance to say some such civil thing as that he regrets to disagree with you a n d if he has no t the goo d manners to do it you have at any rate estab l i s h e d your own manners as those of a gentleman in An d wh en yo u have done t h e eyes of the company . , , “ . , , ” “ , , ” , , , . . , G ENERAL RU LE S F 2 01 . that yo u need no t trouble yourself about any Opinions he may advance co ntrary to your o n w , . If y o u find yourself in a company which violently a buses an absent friend o f yours you need no t feel that you are called upo n to take up th e club fo r him Yo u will do better by say ing mil dly that they mu s t have been misinforme d— that you are prou d to call hi m your friend which you cou l d no t do if you di d not kno w him to be incapable of such thing s as they had heard A fter this if they are gentlemen they will s top — indeed if t h e y had been gentlemen they woul d har dly have assailed an absent one in a mixe d par ty and if yo u feel constraine d to quit their company it will be no sacrifice to your o w self respect o r n honor , . , . , , , , , - . If you are in company with a distinguished gentl e — — man as a governo r o r senator yo u will no t b e p er e t u a l l y trying to tro t o u t his titles as i t would make p you appear like a lackey o r para s ite , who conscious o f no merits of your own are trying to lift yourself bv the company of others In intro ducing such a gen t le m a n you will merely call him governo r o r sena tor a n d afterwar ds avoid all a l l u s i o h to his ra nk , , , , . ” , , ” , . There is a vulgar cu s tom to o prevalent of c a lling almost everybo dy colonel in this country of which i t is su ffi cient to say that this false use o f titles pr e vails mos t among the lo wer ranks o f so ciety— a fact which suffi ciently st a mps upon i t its real character , , ” , , s , 2 08 THE A M ER I C AN C O D E OF POL IT ENE S S . and renders it to say the least a doubtful co m plimen t to him who has no right t o the title , , . The simpler and the more easy and unconstrai n ed your manners the more you will impress people of your go o d breeding Afi ec ta t i on is o n e o f the bra z en mark s o f vulgarity , , . . In E nglan d it is a mark Of l owbreeding to smoke in the public streets But in America the rule does not hold to quite that extent though even here i t is not Often that you catch a gentleman of the strict est sect i n the street with a segar o r pipe in his mouth , . , , “ ” . It is not deemed polite and respectful to smoke I n the presence of la dies even though they are amiable enough to permit it A gentleman therefore is no t in the habit of smoking in the parlor for if there is n obo dy present to Obj ect it leaves a smell in the ro om which the wife has go o d reason to b e mortifie d at i f discovered by her guests For a man to go into the street with a lady o n his arm a n d a segar in his mouth is a sho cking sight whi ch no gentleman will ever be guilty of exhibiting ; for he inevitably subj ects the woman to the very worst Of suspicions , . , , , , , . , . A gentleman never sits in the house with his hat on in the presence o f la dies for a single moment In dee d so strong is the force of habit that a gentleman will qui te unconsciously remove his hat on entering a par . , , 2 10 T HE A MER I CAN C O D E O F POL IT ENE S S . you fir s t ho nor her with a bow of recognition Bu t the A merican fashio n is not like either of them Fo r here the really well bred man always politely a n d r e s p e c t fu l l y bows to every lady he knows a n d if she is a well bred woman she acknowledges the respect pai d If Sh e expects no fu rther ac q uaintance her bow h r u l recognition o f i s a mere formal bu t a l w a ys r e s e ct f p the go o d manners which have been Shown her and no gen tleman ever takes a dvantage o f such p oliteness to push a further acquaintance u ninvited But why ho each s hould a lady and gentleman who kno w w o ther are scornfu lly a n d doggedly pass each o ther in t he streets as though they were enemies ? T here is no goo d reaso n for such i mp ol i te ne s s in the practice o f politeness A s compared with the E nglish the French C ontinental fashio n is certainly more consonant or with the rules of go o d breeding But the American rul e is better than either for it is based upo n the a c knowledged general principle that it is every gentle ’ ’ man s and lady s duty to be polite in all places U n le s s p arties have done something to forfeit the respect dictated by the common rules o f politeness there s hould be no deviation from this practice It is a r i diculous idea th a t w e are t o practise ill manners i n the name o f etiquette . . - , , - , e . , , , , . , , , . , . , , . , . ' - . The cus t om o f r a i s i ng you r ha t o r o f bowing r e s p e c tfu l l y to a lady o r gentleman in the stree ts wi th yo ur hat o n is p ractised equally as o ccasio n and co n ve n i e n c e dictate by well bred A m e r I c a n s By a bow i s no t meant o n e o f those in di fferent short nods o f the , , , , - . , , G ENERAL R U LE S hea d g e nerally give n by clo wns , i n e , p ol i te , a nd g e ntle m a nl y u e n g as y ou r s e r va n t, m a da m 2 11 . a nd l ackeys but a bo wwhich says as much , , ” . need not stop to pull o ff your gl ove to Shak e If it is warm h ands with a lady o r gentleman weather it is more agreeable to bo th parties that th e glove should be o u — especially if i t is a la dy with whom yo u shake hands as the perspiration o f your bare hand woul d be very likely t o so il her glove Y ou . , . The E nglish have a rule o f etiquette that if y o u are intro duced to a perso n o f higher po sition in so cie t y than yo u rself y o u must never recognize him whe n you meet until yo u see whether h e intends to no tice you The meaning o f this rule is that yo u should b e polite to nobody until yo u see whether they mean t o be p olite to you which is simply refusing politeness in the name o f politeness itself There is a story o f an unfortunate clerk o f the Treasury who dine d one da y at the Beef steak club where he sat next to a Duke who conversed freely with him at dinner Th e next da y meeting the Duke in the street he saluted him But his grace drawing himself up said May I kno w sir to whom I have the honor o f Speaking ? Why — d we dine together at the club yesterday I am Mr ” Timms o f the Treasury w a s the reply Then said the D uke turning o n his heel Mr Timms o f the Treasury I wish yo u a g oodmo r ni ng Though this anecdo te is related in the E nglish b ooks as an ex a mple o f eti q uett e it is u ndoubtedly true that Mr “ , , . , , . , - , , . . , , , , ” , , . ” “ . , , , “ , , . , - , . , . 2 12 A M ER I CAN C O D E O F POL IT ENE S S TE E . Timms o f the Treasury was the politest man o f th e two fo r even if he had made a mistake in bei n g a little familiar in his politeness h a d the D uke b een really a polite man he woul d have made th e bes t of i t by returning the salutation instea d o f the brutal m o r t i fi ca t i o n which he heaped upo n the clerk o f the E very bo dy has read the anec dote of Treas u ry W ashington who p olitely returned the salutation of a negro which caused his friend to ask if he bow e d to ” a negro To be sure I did do you think that I would allow a negro to outdo me in politeness ? said Wa s hington This is the A merican rule E verybody in thi s country may be polite to everybo dy a n d if any o n e i s to o haughty and to o ill bre d to retur n the s alutation with him alone rests the responsibility and the shame , , , , , , . , “ , . ” . . - - , . If you have guests in your house you are to appear to feel that they are all equal fo r the time fo r the v all have an equal claim upon your courtesies Those o f the humblest con ditio n will receive fu ll a s m u ch a tte n ti on as the rest in o rder that you shall not painfully make them feel their inferiority , , . , . An E nglish autho r has well sa i d that there is no more common o r absur d mistake than supposing that because people are of high rank they canno t be vul gar ; or th at if people be in an Obscure station they c a nno t b e well bred We have seen as many instances o f vulgarity in a peer as could be found in a grazier and have noticed as many examples of a perfect fre e , , , , , - . 2 14 THE A M ER I CAN C O D E O F ’ I O L ITE NE SS . gentleman o f the house usually sits even though they are absent Many persons woul d j ust as so on see a s tranger using their too th brush as sitting i n the chair hich they always o ccupy themselves or . w - , . It is bad manners t o satirize l awyers in the presence o f l awyers o r do ctors in the presence o f o n e o f that calling and s o of a l l the professions N o r sho u l d yo u rail against bribery and corruption in the presence o f politicians (especially o f a N ew Yo rk p olitician ) o r members o f C ongress as they will have goo d reaso n to suppo se that you are driving at them It is the aim o f poli tenes s t o leave the arena o f so cial intercourse u n tainted wi t h any severity o f l a r g u a g e o r bitterness o f feeling T here are places and o ccasions where wrong must be exposed and reproved b t it is an unpar don able piece o f rudeness to attempt such things at your ’ where every thing is n o r ano ther s so cial party ow carefully to b e avoided that can in the least disturb the happiness of any o n e For this reason all kinds o f controversies are as a general rule to b e avoi ded at such ti m es , . , , , , . , . r ' , , . , , . If yo u would render yourself pleasing in social par ties never speak to gratify any particular vanity o r passion o f your o n but always aim t o interest o r amuse o thers by themes which yo u know are in accord ance with their tastes and understandings E ven a well bred minister will avoid intro ducing his p r o fe s H e kno ws s i o n a l habits and themes at such places th a t the g u e s ts wer e n o t i nvite d th e re t o listen to a w , , . - . G ENERA L R U LE S 2 15 . w er m on and there may be some h o di fle r with him 11 Opinions who would have go o d reason to feel the m selv e s insulted by being thus forced to listen t o him s , ' 1 , . Avo id r e s tl e s s l e s s in comp any lest y o u make the D o not beat the whole party as fi dg e ty as yourself ’ ’ ‘ D evil s tattoo by drumming with your fingers o n the table it canno t fail t o annoy every o n e within hear ing and is the I ndex o f a vacant mind N either read the newspap er in an audible whisper as it disturbs the attention o f these near yo u Bo th these bad habits are particularly O ffensive where most common that is i n a counting o r news ro om R emember that a careless ness as to what may incommo de o thers is the sure indee d the essen S ign o f a co arse and ordinary mind tial part Of go o d breeding is more in the avoidance o f whatever may be disagreeable to others than even a n a ccurate observance Of the customs o f go o d s o ci e tv , . . , , . , , - . , , , ” . a l ls l i ke a It is a great thing to b e able t o w n e t l e g m a n— that is t o get rid o f the awkward lou n ging inging gait o f a clown and stop before you reach Sw the a ffected and fli p pa n t step o f a dandy In short no thi n g but be i ng a g e ntk ma n can ever give you the real air and step Of on e A man w h o has a Shallow or an impu dent brain will be quite sure to sho wit in his h eels in Spite o f all that rules Of manners can do fo r , , , , . , . , N ever address as “ Mr . or a person by his o r her initial letter ” Mr S It is as vul g ar a s a fi s h “ . . , 2 16 A M ER I CAN C O D E O F THE PO e E NE SS . ’ monger s style What c a n be more abominable than to hear a woman Speak o f her husband as Mr P I as thou gh he had become whi ttled down i n her esti mation until there is no thing left o f him but a single letter . ” . . , , . If yo u should ev e r be intro duced to the family o f a foreign nobl e man w h o happens t o be travelling in this ” country be careful n o t to address them as My L ord ” or My L ady which is only customary among servant s n country in their o w Your L o rdship and Your L adyship would be proper but even these go o d tas t e will dictate that yo u Should use sparingly just often enough t o Show that yo u are aware o f the po sitio n they o ccupy at home “ , , , ” “ . “ , , , . B e careful n o t t o be ove r nice and par ticular o r you will impress people with the idea that your life began in vul garity and you are n o wtrying so hard to get away from it that y o u rush t o the opposi t e extreme — N o t long since e heard a lady call Spiten devil creek ” and some time ago we saw Sp i te n da u e l cr e e k ; because some o n e o n e horrified beyond description ” in her hearing But ther e br e e che s u sed the word Old Settlers in the neigh a s a legend among t he r o r h o o d that she a s n o t always s o particular in n These clumsy and t h e r days whe n Sh e a s a milliner fle ct e d a ttempts at refinement are generall y taken as t i g n s that tho s e ho pr a ctis e them b e ga n li fe very ne a r t he botto m of the hill - , , , , w . “ , , , “ w . w w w ' “ . ’ . . T HE A M ER I CAN C O D E O F POL IT ENE S S 2 18 . neve r bo a s t s O I suc h a t t en t ions bu t he never even ad mits that he h a s received t he m In this p articular th e young Japanese l a d Tommy showed his go o d bree d ’ i n g when a la dy in a private box at N i bl o s theatre sai d to him To mmy they say the ladies are all very ’ fond o f y o u ; t o which he repli e d N O m a am I L adies like t o speak to s peak A merican language m e — s e do gentlemen ; they understa nd me I un der ’— ‘ They say H o wdo Tommy ? Shake s tand them ‘ — hands and I say Very well sir ma am Shake hands ” N 0 more It will be seen t hat Tommy sought t oo for a proper re a so n hy the ladies were fond o f spea king to him , . , , , , , , , “ , , , . , . , , w . . , , , , . No gentleman will stand in the do o rs o f ho tels nor o n the corners o f the streets gazing impertinent l y a t the ladies as they pass That is such an unmistakable S ign o f a lo afer that o n e can hardly i m agine a well bred man doing such a thing , . , . In walking with a lady it is c u stomar y to give her the right arm but where circumstances render it more convenient to give her the left it may properly b e done If yo u are walking with a lady o n a crowded s treet like Bro adway by all means g ive her the o u t side as that will prevent her from bein g pe rp e tually j o stled and run against by the hurry ing crowd , , . , , , . A we l l b r e d wil l n o t ta k e a s eat by the S ide o f a lady i th whom he is unac q u a i n ted in a r a il r o ad ca r u nl e s s ther e is n o oth er s e a t fo r hi m a n d if he i s co m - w ma n , , G E N E R A L R U LE S 2 19 . p olled t o take such a seat he politely apologises to the lady for doing s o i n some such manner as s aying that he is very sorry t o distu rb her bu t there is no o ther vaca n t seat i n the c a r , , , . pretend t o be what you ar e n o t for n o p r e te n sion can long hide what yo u in reality are The thi n veil is so on seen through and by trying t o de ill be judged c e i ve i n relation to your deserts yo u an impostor in all thi ngs and a s such kicked o u t of so ciety Do no t , . w , , , , , , . ch fo r yourself a n d your fam ho gives himself airs o f imp or ily Fo r the ma n w tance only exhibits the crede n ti a l s o f his o n i n s i g n i fi cance It is kno n tha t the man o f real positio n d o e s n o t talk ab o ut it Do not a t o o mu ss u m e w . w . . in anythin g that belo n g s to you is only holding a candle t o yo u r o w Besides by n de fec ts a fi e ct a ti o n yo u insu lt e very company y o u are in fo r b u assume that they a e shallo enou g h t o e de o r y c e i ve d by y our fi i pp a n cy A fi e ct a t i o n ' . , ' w , . E xhibitin g y o urself a s be tter and more pio u s than o ther men i s ano ther w a y o f insulting your asso ciates The devout man never a fle c ts any remarkable degre e o f piety — i t is the hypocrite ho puts o n go dly ai rs . ' w It is a i s e r p . m rk o f i l l br e e din g t o r efus e prai s e wher e ‘ i s e vi d e ntl y du e ; a n d o n the o ther h a nd a a - , , T HE A M ER I CAN 2 2 0 c o ne POL IT ENE S S or . nothin g can b e more vulgar than indiscriminate insincere praise It is the next thing to abuse . a nd . A proud and disdainful deportment is insulting t o every company you may b e in and t o every man you meet E very o n e owes a fi a bi l i ty and go o d nature to so ciety , ' - . . It is a mark o f weakness and sycophancy to run i n discriminately after every no toriety that comes alo n g It shows a lack o f judgment as well as of taste fo r i t will no t do to be always led in the current of popular applause E steem and admiration are no t always be stowed o n tho se who best deserve t hem They are often stolen from the public by tho s e who have he art of se t ting o ff mo derate qualifications whi ch fr o quently gives more reputation than real merit . , , . . , . N o thing detracts more from the character o f a g en H e tha t p e r p e t u t l e m a n than the exhibitio n o f envy . ally manifests this bad spirit no t o nly tell s everybo dy about him that he knows himself to be de s pise d bu t he renders himself the annoyance o f every company , , . Giving advi ce when it is n o t asked i s an i mp e r t i It is as n e n c e that a gentleman i s never guilty of a superiority o n yo u r part which even the s u mi n g fi r m e s t friendship will find i t di ffi cult to forgive , . . Avoid goin g into co mp any when yo u are what is calle d ou t of s or ts o r peevish and dull P eople get , . 2 2 2 THE A M ER I CAN CO D lips and car ryin g b ack fastened to her side the E or the , P O IIT E N E S S ' elbows as if . the y er w e It is no t go o d te n for a lady to speak t o o quic k o r t o o lo ud When se ated she ought neither t o cro s s her legs no r take any vulgar at t itude She should o ccupy her chair entirely and appear neither to o rest l ess no r to o immovable It is alto gether o u t of place fo r her to thro w her drapery around her in sitting down o r to spread o u t her dress for display as upstarts do i n order t o avoid the least rumple . , . , . , , . , In walking a l ady ought t o have a mo dest and measured gai t t o o gr e a t hurry injures the grace which o ught to characterize her a flaunting carriage betrays étou r de r i e o r boldnes s ; s h e s hould no t tur n her head o r stare about her s u ch a habit s eems an i n vitatio n t o the impertinent , , , . Immo derate laughter is exc e e dingly u n becoming in a lady ; she may a ffec t the dimple or the smile but s hould carefully avo id any approximatio n t o a horse l augh L aughers have been r a n g ed under the follow i n g hea ds . . T H E D IMP L E RS T H E S MI LER S T HE . L A U G HER S T H E G R IN N E Rs T HE . . . H OR S E LA UG HERS - . G ENERAL R U LE S 2 2 3 . dimple is practised t o give a grace to the fea u res and is frequently made a bait t o e ntangle a gaz in lover This called by t h e ancients the chain a s g l augh T he w , . . The smile is fo r the mo st part confined t o the fai r It expresses o u r s a ti s fa c s e x and their male retinue t i on m a sort o f liberal approbation it do es no t t o o much disorder the features and is practised by lover s This tender emo tio n o f o f the mo st delicate a ddress physiognomy the ancie n ts called the Ionic laugh . , . - . The laugh among us is the common r i s u s o f the and is s imply an expansio n o f the smil e a ncients accompanied by a slight c a chi n a ti o n , , . The grin by writers o f anti q uity crusian and was then as it is n o display a beautiful set o f teeth , , is called the Syn made use o f to w , , , . The hor e laugh i s an un due expansio n o f the laugh a ccompanied with a boisterous noise and i s n o t allow able in polite so ciety It may be however and o ft en is made use o f in all kin ds o f disputation Those who are proficient in it by a well time d laugh will often ba hl e the most solid reasoner Thi s upo n a l l o ccasions supplies the want o f reason ; is always r e c e i ve d with great applause in co f fee houses dispute a n d that si de which the laugh j oi ns a n d wranglings ith generally gets the better o f its anta g onist s - , , . , , , . - , , . , , - , w , . 2 2 4 THE A M ER I CAN C O D E LKING ON TA IN or POL IT E NE S S . C O M PAN Y . A man is quite sure to sho w his go o d o r bad br e e d o ing the instant he Opens his mouth to talk in company l f he is a g e ntl e ma n he starts no subj ect o f convers a t ion that can possibly be displeasing to any p erson present The ground is common to all and no o n e has a right to monop olize any p art of i t for his o wn p ar N o one i s t i cu l a r opinions in p olitics o r religion there to make pro selytes but every o n e has been i n vi t e d to be a g r ee a ble and to p l e a s e . . , . , , . , A t such t i mes shoul d avo id appearing dog m a ti cal and t o o positive in any assertio ns y o u make which can p ossibly be subj ect to a n y contradiction H e that i s peremptory in his o n story may meet with another as positive as himself to contradict him and then t he tw o S i r P o sitives will be s ur e to have a skirmish u o y , w . , , . w You will forbear t o interrupt a person ho is tell ing a story ev en though he is m aking historical mis takes in dates and facts If he makes mistakes i t i s hi s o wn fault and it is not your business to mortify him by attempting to correct his blunders in presence o f those with whom he is a mbi t i o n s to stand well , . , . ' If a m a n is telling that which i s as old as the hills a is to o r which you believe to be false the better y let him go o n Why should you refuse a man the pleasure of believing tha t he is telling you something hich you never hear d before ? Besides by refusing w , . w , , 16 2 5 ru n A M ER I CAN C O D E O F P oL Ir E N E s s . nsi der that a so cial p arty is no t intende d as school fo r reform o r a pulpit to denounce sin i n to ar e c o . , a , Talk as little of yourself as possible o r o f any sci ence o r bu s iness in which you have acquired fame T here is a banker in N e York h o is always certai n t o o ccupy the time Of every party he gets in t o by talkin g o f his p e r ce nts an d bo asting that he be g a n l ife w and i thou t a ce nt— which every o n e readily believes if he were t o add that he be g a n l ife i n a p i g p e n they would believ e that t oo , w w . , , , . E ven if you are n o t a goo d talker tr y t o s ustain some share o f the conversation fo r yo u as easily i n s a l t a company by m aintainin g a contemptuous silence as by engro ssing all the talk , , . L isten attentively and patiently what i s said It is a great and di ffi cult talent t o be a go o d listener but it i s one which the well bred man has to acquire a t whatever pains to . - , . w If you meet an ill bred fell o in company who s e voice and manners are O ffensive t o yo u y o u canno t r esent it at the time because by so doing yo u compel the whole company to be spectators o f your quarrel and the pleasure o f the party would be spoiled - , , , . . D on h w o y ou ’ t talk O f the Opera in the presence Of those are no t frequenters of it They will imagine that ar e f or that you are l yi ng and tha t s howi n g o f . , , ON I N T RO D U C TI ON S 2 2 7 . never been to the opera twice i n your life Fo r the same reason avoid t o o frequently speaki n g o f yo u r acquaintance with celebrate d men unless you are a public man yourself ho would be suppo sed t o have such acquaintance o u y h ave . , , w , . By all means Shu n the vulgar habit o f joking at the A ll such tricks as refu sing a lady e xpense o f women w a piece o f to n gue because om e n a l r e a dy ha ve tong u e are as vulgar as they are o l d and stale The e n ou g h ma n h o do es n o t respect woman expo ses himself t o the s u spicion Of asso ciating generally with the fallen i t c n o f the sex o r A nd besides he has right n t o o p make a respect able parlor o r drawing ro om the thea tre o f such vulgar j okes and railing a g ainst the s e x a s l o do n in o w so ciety g , . , ” w . , , . , - w . ON IN T R O D U C T I O N S . The custom which prevails in country places o f i n t r o du ci ng everybo dy y o u meet t o each o ther is bo th a n annoying and an improper o n e A s a g e n e r a l rule i ntro ductions ought n o t to be m ade except where there is un doubte d evi dence that the acquain tance would be mutually agreeable and proper , ' , . , . It is customary i n introducing people to present the youngest person to the oldest o r the humblest to th e highest in po sition i f there is a ny distinc ti on , , , , . T H E A M ER I C A N C O D E 2 2 8 OF POL I i E N Es s . hus Mr Thompson allo w me to prese n t to yo u Mr o r I wish to m a k e yo u acquainted with M r S mith The gentleman i s always p esente d to the S mith l ady as Mrs Johnson I have the pleasure o f pre ” senting to yo u Mr S impso n When you introduce p arties whi ch yo u are quite sure will b e pleased with e a ch o ther i t is well to add after the introduction t hat yo u take great pleasure in making them acquaint ed which will be a n assurance to e a ch that you think they are well matched and thus they are prep ared to b e friends from the start “ t . . , . , r . “ . , , , . . , , , , , . In intro ducing parties b e carefu l to prono unce each name distinctly as there is nothin g more a wkward ’ than to have one s name miscalled for instance for a man who se name is Morehead to be called M ole lz e a cl Grimshaw to b e called G r i ms l z a nks Mistakes or quite as unpleasant as these are con stantly o ccurring in conse q uence o f indistinct intro ductions , , , , . , . When yo u are intro duced to a person be careful n o t t o appear as though you had never heard o f him before If he happ ens t o be a person o f any dis tinction such a mistake would be unpardo nable and n o person is complimented by being reminded o f t h e fact that his name is unknown , ~ . , , . If by any misfortune you have been intro duced to a person whose ac q uaintance you do no t desire you can merely make the formal h o o f etiquette when you meet him which o f itsel f encourages no familiarity w , , , , T HE A MER I CAN C O D E 2 30 or r O L IT E N E SS . In France and o n the continent of E urope generall y I n A merica the directly the reverse is the fashion E nglish custom generally prevails ; though where a young gentleman has a letter to o ne who is many years his senior o r to o ne whose aid he seeks in some enterprise he takes it at o nce himself , , . , . , When a gentleman bearing a letter o f intro ductio n to you leaves his card y o u should call o n him o r send a no te as early as po ssible There is no greater i a sult than to treat a letter o f fn t r o du e ti o n with i n di ffe r ence A fter yo u have ma de this call it is to some e x tent optional with yo u as to what further attentions you shall p ay the party In this country everybo dy i s supposed to be very busy which is always a sufh cient excuse fo r n o t paying elaborate attentions to visitors It is n o t deman ded that any man Shal l n eglect his business t o wait upo n visitors o r guests , , , , . , . , , , . , ‘ . . L etters mere intro ductio n are no t seale d by th e parties who write them but the parties taking them may seal them o r n o t as they please befor e delivering them of , , . ON D R E SS . Well bred people do no t often dress in what is call e d the heighth o f fashion as that is generally left to dan dies and pretenders But still it is un doubtedly a g reat point g aine d to be well dressed T o be fa n c i - ” , . . ON D RE S S 2 31 . dressed in gaudy colors is to be very badly dressed however and is an example o f ill taste which is rarely met with among people o f substantial g ood breeding fu l l y , , , , . C leanliness and neatness are the invar i able aecom goo d breeding E very gentleman m a y no t be dressed expensively he may no t be able to do so but water is cheap and no gentleman will ever go into company unmindful o f cleanliness either in his person o r apparel n i m e n ts a p of . , , . Did any lady ever see a gentleman with a n e mbr o i dered waistco at a n d a profusion o f chains rings and trinkets adorning his person , , Avo id a ffecting singularity in dress , E xpensive . dressing is n o sign o f a gentlemen If a gentleman is abl e to dress expensively it is very well for him to do s o but if he i s no t a ble to wear ten dollar bro adcloth he may comfort himself with the reflection that clo th which costs but three dollars a yard will lo ok q uite as well when made into a well fi tti ng coat With this suit and well made sho es clean gloves a white po cket han dkerchief a n d an easy a n d graceful deportment withal he may pass muster as a gentleman Manners do quite as much to set o ff a suit o f clo thes as clothes do to set O ff a gracefu l person . - , , - . - , , , , . , . Avoid what is called the or the nonc ha l a n t and ru s l o a chz ng ' ffi a n l y style o f dre s s appearance of a half , T HE A M ER I CAN C O D E 2 32 or P oL i T E N E S S . nbuttone d vest and suspenderless pantaloons That sort of a fi e ct a ti o n is if p ossible even more di s gusting than the painfully elaborate frippery o f the dan dy u . , , , . Gentlemen never make any display o f j ewelry that is given up entirely to the dominion of female taste But la dies of go o d taste seldom wear it in the morn i ng It is reserved fo r evening display and for brilliant parties . . . E VE NIN G ON PART IE S . Invitations to evening p arties are sent several days before the party is to take place and the answers should invariably b e returned immediately a cce p ti ng , or de cl i ni ng , w i th , r e g r e ts r . ’ In most o f the A merican cities nine O clock is t h e hour which custom has established as the time for the lady to be in her parlor rea dy to receive her guests ’ and by ten o clo ck all the guests Should arrive It is an a fi e c ta t i o n no t entirely devo id Of assumption a n d impu dence for people to purposely delay their appear ance till a very late hour , , . , , . In l arge a n d formal p arties i t is generally custom ary for th e servant to announce the names of the gue s ts a s they enter the ro om but this i s a ceremony well , , 2 34 A M ER I CAN C O D E O F PO L IT ENE S S THE . but yet there are thousan ds Of p eople i n the world w ho think themselves well bred whose mouths are guillo tines t o every go o d name that g ets into them h o was o n e o f the most refine d and a c A aro n Burr w complishe d gentlemen that ever live d used to say that the gu lf between D ives and L azarus a s n o t greater than that between a g e ntle m a n and a ca l a m ” n i a to r P arton in his interestin g life o f this extra o rdinary man relates the following characteristic a n - , . , w , “ . , , , e c do t e S ome gentlemen were in his room o ne evening when the co nversation to ok a severe r tone than he liked N o w Speaking ill o f any o n e o r the use o f de A fter o n e o f n unciato ry language he never relished his guests had finished some severe remarks the lady o f the house stepped forward and in a q uick grace ful manner peculiar to her repeated the lines from ’ Burns A ddress to the Unco Gude , . , , . , , , , , ‘T h ge ntly s c a n yo u r b r o the r ma n S t i ll g e n tl e r s i s t e r wo m a n ; ’ r an g T h ou gh th e y m a y g a n g a k e n ni n w e n To , s te as i de i s hu m a n : ll be gr tly d k T he m ovi g Why t h e y do i t A n dj t a s l m ly c n y e m ar k f r p e h p s th e y r u e i t H ow O ne p oi p , nt s ti mu st e a n u s Wh o , a e r a m a de t h e h e ly c D e ci de d an . , ar ’ t, ti s H e tr y u s l a one ; kn ow s ach ch o d— i t s va r i ou s E ch s p r i n g—i ts v i o u s b i as ; He e a , , a a ar r ar t one , ON The n at th e kno b al a nce le t s ’ W e n e ve r ’ Wh a t s don e Bu t E V EN I N G PAR TI E S j ca n a d u s ar w 35 t it; p y co m u t e , ’ r e s i s te d t a no . be m u t e wp ly m w t wh t e " ’ s a . Go o d hu mo r a s restored a n d a bette r S pirit pre vailed i n the company B u rr w ho had lain silent up to ‘ H ow thi s ti me no w expressed the keenest delight ’ SO go o d ! he kept whispering ho wve r y go o d ’ like you my dear s o like yo u 1 H e was exceedingly pleased and often alluded t o the s ce n e and the lines afterwards - , . , . , . , , . that if g oodfor tu ne get y o u the esteem o f the public still no thi ng but m e r i t can pro cur e the respect and confidence o f men o f sense and virtue R emember , , . the sinners a g ainst the laws o f politeness the False r e br a g g a r o r the l i a r is o n e o f the greatest tending is o n e o f the sure signs o f ill bred r a s c a l i N o t long ago a family moved from the city a fe miles o u t into a small country village where the father mo ther sons and dau ghters all commenced bo asting of their asso ciations and splendo r in the city But i t so o n became known t hat the head o f this swaggerin g family a s a few years a g o a roper i n for a gambling hell a n d a decoy duck for a still more disreputable place i n P hiladelphia ; and afterwar ds a keeper of a vile den in C alifornia and finally the proprietor o f a faro bank a n d a man u facturer o f illegal and i n de cent wares i n N ew York city where he bro u ght up his daughters as shining light s o f a free love club O f all , « . - w , , , , , . w - , , - , , , , - , , - . 36 T HE A M ER I CAN C O D E POL IT ENE SS or . E very member of this leprous family at once set up t o be censors o f the village m anners a n d slan derers o f the moral excellence which they naturally enough hate d But vain are the thin disguises in which low vice tries to hi de itself 1 E very well bred perso n at once detects all false pretending to respectability The true coin of go o d bree ding is so indelibly stamped with unmistakable grace a n d naturalness that n o counterfeit c a n ever be made to imitate it The o nly sensible thing fo r people o f the character described above is to keep as q uiet and remai n as much in the dark as po ssible , . - . , . , , . , The man w h o has no merit himself will always b e e n vi o u s of the merit o f o thers and therefore by abusing o thers you expo se yourself to the suspicion o f be i n destitute Of character , , g , . Mo dest people seldom fail to gain the go o d will and respect of tho se with whom they converse because nobo dy is envious of those who make no pretensio n to any especial claims upon their respect - , . D o no t forget that no matter how el o q uent y o u may be you will please most people more by listening to the m than by talkin g yourself , . A n overdone poli teness is the next thing to r u de n superiority o r ess for it presumes upon your o w upon the inexperience o f the o n e to whom y o u a ddress your self n , , . 2 38 THE A M ER I CAN C O D E O F PO L IT ENE S S MARRIAGE . . w I h a v e a lready s aid that hen a m a n marrie s it i s understo o d that a l l former acquaintanc e hip e nds u nless he intimate a desire t o renew i t by sen ding ’ r by letter o his and his wife s car if near n u o o y d if dis t ant If this be neglected be s ur e n o fur ther intercour s e is desire d , , s w , , . , , , , . In the first place— a bachelor i s s eldom ve r y p a r ti cu l a r i n the choice o f his companions S o lon g as he is amused he will asso ciate freely enough with tho se whose morals and habi ts would p oint them o u t a s highly dangerous person s t o intro duce into the s anctity o f domestic life . , . S econdly— a married man has the tastes o f a nothe r to cons u lt and the friend o f the hu s ba nd may n o t be ife e qua l ly acceptable to the w . Besides— newly married people may wish t o limi t the circle o f their friends from praiseworthy mo tives When a man s e ts u p i n the world o f economy t he burthen o f an extensive and indiscriminate a c quaintance may be felt in various ways Many have had cause t o r egr et the weaknes s o f mind which allowed them t o plunge into a ve r te x o f gayety and expense they could i l l a ffo rd from which they have found it di ffi cult to extricate themselve s a n dthe e ffects o f which hav e pr o v e d a s eri o u s e vil t o them i n a fter - , “ . , . , , D ANC IN G 2 39 . DAN C IN G . Wi th the eti q uette of a ball ro om s o far a s i t g o e s t he re are but few people u n ac q uainted C ertain per s ons are appointed t o act as stewards o r there wil l ” be a master o f the ceremonies whose o ffi ce i t is t o see that everything be conducted in a prope r manner if you a r e entirely a stranger it is t o the m yo u mus t apply for a partner and point o u t (quietly) any young la dy wi t h whom y o u should like t o dance when if there be n o obvious inequality o f rank they will pre s ent you for that purpose should there be an o bj e c tion they will probably select some o n e they consider more suitable ; but do no t o n any account go to a s trange lady by yourself and request her to dance a s ” she will u nhesita tingly decline the honor and think o u a n impertinent fellow your presumption r o f y - , , . , , , , , , , , , , , , , . A ny presentation a lady in a public ball room fo r the mere purpose o f dancing does no t entitle yo u t o claim her acquaintance afterwards therefore should ; o u u meet her at most may lift our hat but o y y y ; even that is bet te r avoided — unless indeed she first — bo as neither s he nor her friends can know ho to - , , . , w w h ty , , w , , or a ou ar e . L ead the lady through the quadrille ; do her n or clasp her hand as if i t were made l est she no t u njustly think y o u a h ear , , Y ou wil l if u o y of dr a g wo o d , . , no t, no t ar e wise , t s an d u i n p a u a d q T HE A M E R I CAN C O D E O F POL IT ENE S S 2 40 . rille without knowing something o f the figure ; an d if y o u are master o f a few o f the steps s o m u ch th e But dance quietly ; do no t kick and caper be tte r about n o r sway yo u r bo dy to and fro ; dance only d d and lea the la y as lightly w ar d s r om the hi s do w n p f as you would tread a measure with a spirit o f gossa , . , m cr . ” D o not pride yourself o n doing the steps neatly unless yo u are a mbi ti o ns of being taken for a dancing master ; between whose motions and those o f a g e n tl e m a n there is a great difference , . If a lady should decline civilly to dance with you making an excuse and you chance to see her dancing afterwards do n o t take any notic e o f it n o r be o ffended with her It might n o t b e that she de sp i s e d r e r r e d u but that she another We c nnot o a y p ef always fathom the hi dden springs which influence a ’ woman s actio ns and there are many bursting hearts within white satin dresses ; therefore do n o t insist upon the fulfilment of established regulation de s i g ” ner , , , , . . , , , . Besides it is a hard case that women Shoul d be c o m f f l l d to dance with everybo dy O ered them at the e e p alternative o f not being allo wed to enj oy themselves at all , , . If a friend h e en g aged when yo u request her to d a nce and She promis e s to be your pa r tner fo r the , T HE C C O DE A MERI A N OF POL IT ENE SS . round would be tiresome and therefore roper h ve n o fear that they will deem you o dd o r a p u n friendly as if they hav e any sense at all they c a n a ppr e c i a t e y o u r r e a sons If yo u h a ve a nyth i ng t o s a v to th e m j oi n the m a t o n c e , , , . , . E T IQ UE TT E A T WASHIN GT O N . rules of so cial intercourse in the city o f Wash i ng to n the capital o f the United S tates though in a c c o r da n c e with the customs o f general go o d bree ding everywhere are nevertheless destitute o f that unity and completeness which may be found in o ther A meri can ci t ies What is called so ciety i n Washington i s made up chiefly o f foreign diplo m ats a n d o u r own sta tesmen and politicians and the rules o f etiquette practised there are t o some little extent varied o r mo dified by all the various E uropean and American lo calities which are represented in its communi ty But for all this there is n o pl ace in o u r country where etiquette is mo re inexorable o r exacting than in Washington A ll small ci t ies which happen t o be capitals o f great states are sure to get intoxicated — with self importance to put o n airs a n d become wise n conceits i n their o w The well bre d man will n o t b e l o n g in Washingto n before he will have o ccasion to smile at the truth o f this remark a n d if he perceives a few things in their etiquette which are peculiar and p e dantic he will no t o f course either dis r egard o r a t T HE , , , ” “ . , , , . , , , . , , , - , - . , , , (2 43 ) c om T HE A MER I CAN 2 44 ‘ P O L II E N E S S or . tempt to reform them but readily fall in with the cus toms o f fashionable life there There is a small pamphlet o n the E tiquette o f ” Washington published in tha t city all the essential matter o f which i s co ndensed in the remaini n g page s o f this bo ok , . , , . D R E SS . The very ide a o f a gentleman excludes that of a A gentleman will dress well but never fo p o r dandy gaudily Thi s rul e alone if properly attende d to might serve for all that e have to say un der this head ; but for the b enefit of the young and i n e x r i e n c e d who se welfare we have mo st at heart we e p will suggest a few things to be do ne and o thers to b e omitted W e say therefore eschew an excess o f jew A breast pin o r gold button with a chain i s e lr y very well A ring is also worn by some A void gaudiness and singularity A dapt your dress to your complexion Washington tho ugh a small place is in qu i te metropolitan Duri n g the winter o n e respect so ciety i s ma de u p o f materials gathered from It s all parts o f the country and all the styles as well as all the politics o f the country are represente d here A gentleman therefore m a y suit his t aste in respect to the shape and material o f his hat co at etc T he s ame remarks apply to the dress o f ladies but they in the nature o f things are allowed greater variety of c o l o r s ornament styl e etc etc . , w . , , , , , , “ , , - . , , . . . . , , , . , , . , , , , , , , , , . , . . , 2 46 T HE A M ER I CAN C O D E POL IT ENE S S or . ness of waiting for a recognition while the party to whom i t is a ddres s e d rea ds it The latter may find i t inconvenient to receive company a n d the card woul d a flo r d him an Opportunity to decline . , ' . But if the letter be o n business I t Business dispense s s ente d in person If you receive a letter intro d u cing a should at Once leave your car dfor him , . C ar ds are in dispensable to the hould be pre with ceremony gentleman you at his lo dgings S . , . of polite so ciety but we are constraine d by our l imite d Space to Omit specific directions for thei r use i n te r co u se . Vi s i ts of ceremony shoul d be in the morning and sh oul d no t last more than five to twenty minutes A card left at the door su ffices for a morning call amo n g very fashionable people It is to be borne in min d th at in the fashionable worl d morning never breaks ’ earlier than eleven O clo ck a n d usually lasts until ‘ three I he la dy who receives calls shoul d do s o a t once or sen d a servant to excuse her When the call i s inten de d fo r bo th the gentleman and la dy the name Of the latter only Shoul d be mentioned In making a morning call a gentleman should retain his hat in his hand which th e la dy will no t notice But if a longer visit i s intende d the hat overco at &c shoul d be deposi te d in the hall before entering the room , . , . , , r . . , , . , . , , , , . , . The la dy of the house Shoul d never trouble her d uests with her ho sehol erangements no r the gen d u g , E V EN I N G tl cm a n P ART IE S 2 47 . with his busine s s T he topics selected fo r conversation should be g eneral and o f a n agree able nature If the company a gree in politics o r religion i t is delightful t o interchan g e sentiments and impres sions o f passing events but it is always awkwar d if n o t disagree able a n d ru de to intro duce controverted uestions Very intelligent and polished people may q discuss politics without O ffence but it requires the u tmo st skill and delicacy to d and as a general o so rule all such discussions run into unpleasant disputa tion . , . , , , . , , , . It is the custom in Washington fo r tw more o or l adies during the da y t o visit the C apitol the P atent O ffice the S mithsonian Institution &c unattended by gentlemen as otherwise they might be debarred many enjoyments Where it is inconvenient fo r a la dy to fi n d a female companion i n such a wal k it is s u ffi cient t o have the attendance o f a child , , , . , , , , . , . E V E NING PART I ES . parties are most appropriate to the w i nter They are discontinue d during L ent but may be r e C ar ds O f invitation Sh ould be sent s ume d afterwar ds to guests some days beforehan d a n d the latter should imme diately accept or decline with regrets The car ds s h ould be in the name o f the la dy eith er written o r ’ Fashion has e s tablished n ine O clo ck a s e ngraved E vening . , . , . , , . 2 48 THE A M ERI CAN C O D E or P O L IT ENE S S . the hour at which the lady should be in her parlor to receive her gue s ts ; and from that hour t o ten th e guests are e xpected t o arrive . The lady should hav e everything arranged s o that she will no t be c o mpelled to leave her guests t o supe r in te nd her h o usehold The guests will be conducted t o the dressing ro oms and the ladies having a d justed their toilets will be attended to the drawing ro o m by the gentlemen w h o acc o mpany them A servant some times an nounces the names o f the guests as they enter the ro om The lady will precede the gentleman o r lean o n his arm The l ady of t h e house will be near the doo r to receive them a n d a ft e r a few words of greeting th ey will pass o n and j oin in conversation with a ny Of their ac q uaintances ho may be present , . - , , - , . , . . , , w , . Gentlemen will n o t g et togeth e r in group s neglect o f the ladies t o the . When a table is spread the host will precede hi s guests in company with o n e o f the ladies followed by the hostess The g entlemen prese nt wil l conduc t the ladies i n a like manner , , , . . When no table is spread the refr e s hments will be handed around and the g uests will help themselves A t intervals iced bever a ges will be passe d around the r o oms for the refreshment of the guests White o r very light colored k i d gloves are wo rn during the e vening except at supper , . , , . - , . 2 50 A M ER I CAN C O D E O F POL IT ENE S S THE Q . the flavor of fi s h After this course meat fo w l s &c are serve d The napkin s are to be unfol de d a n d spread upon the knees Finger glasses will be brought on with the de s sert They contain w a rm water with a bit of lemo n in it It is u sual to di p a corner o f the napkin in the water and wipe the lips also to di p the fingers in a n d wipe them on the napkin It is highly disgusting to Spit o r blow the nose with a lou d explosive noise at the table The knife is never used to convey fo o d to the mouth the fork bei n g generally su fficient fo r the purpose or it may be assiste d by a piece Of bread in the left hand The ser vants shoul d each be furni s hed with a clean white napkin with which to han dle the plates o f the guests C lean white glo ves are sometimes used Wine i s not The la dies are drunk until the second course is over helped to the kind o f wine they prefer by the gentle man next to th em When the ladies retire the gen t l e m e n should rise with them and stand until t h e y leave the dining ro om C o ffee may b e served either in the dining ro om or parlor r i ou s to ' . . , , , . , - . . . , , . . . . , . . . , , - . - . DE P O R T M E N T IN T HE S T R E E T . The toil et shoul d be thoro u ghly adjusted before leaving the house even to the putting on the gloves The great point in walking is to be natural A ll a ffected airs are contemptible O n the o ther han d a n awkward or sl ovenly gait shoul d not b e mistaken for a natural one . , . . . , D EPOR TM E N T I N T HE S T REE T 2 51 . A g entleman meeting a lady acquaintance should wait to be recognized by her a n d shoul d raise his hat while bowing to her A lso in meetin g a gentleman o f your ac q uaintance ho is accompani ed by a lady u t Of respect t o her and should raise your hat u o o y he Shoul d respond in a li ke manner to your salutation If a gentleman salutes the lady yo u accompany yo u It is n o t n e ce s Should return it if she recognizes it sary to take o ff the gloves in shaking han ds with a l ady neither Should a gentleman make the advances In walking the gentleman should keep next t o the carr i age way , . w , , , . , . , . , , - . A gentleman should never a punctili ous o bs e r vance Of the rules Of politeness to his recognized a c n a n r a i t e s f om an apprehension that he will n o t be u c q met with r e cipro cal marks Of respect For instance h e should no t refuse to raise his hat t o an acquaint ance h o is accompanied by a lady lest her escort should from ignorance o r stolidity retu rn his polite salutation with a n o d Of the head e mi t , . w , , , , . It is better no t to see him than t o set the exampl e o f a rude and indecorous salutation In all such case s a n d in all cases he who is most courteous ha s the advantage and shoul d never feel that he ha s m ade a humiliating sacrifice O f his per s onal dignity a t i s for th e party whose behavior has bee n bo orish to h a ve a con s ciousness o f inferiori ty , . , , , . . ft g entleman meeti ng a lady acq u aint a nce on the T HE A M ER I CAN C O D E 2 52 or P O L Ir E r Es s ' . street s h ou l d n o t presume to join her in her walk without as certaining that his company would be e n It migh t b e o therwise and she t i r e l y agreeable should frankly say so A marrie d lady usually leans u pon the arm o f her husband ; but single ladies do no t in the day take the a r m o f a gentleman unle s s they are willing to acknowl e dge an engagement G entlemen always give place to ladies and gentlemen accompanyi n g l adies in crossin g the street , o , . . , , , . , . , BAL L S . w B alls t o which anybody h o cho oses may go and take wh om he pleases by buying a ticket are avoided by many l adies and with go o d reason But select b alls under judicious and responsible management a r e no t liable to this Objectio n In such cases the l adies are i nvited and no ne others go The gentle ho accompanies a la dy will dance the first set man w with her She may then dance with o ther gentlemen A t a private p arty a gentleman may o ffer to dance with a l ady wi thout an intro duction but at ball s the ru le is di fferent The gentleman should respectfully O ffer his arm to the lady who consents to dance with him a n d lead her to her place A t the conclusion o f the set he will co nduct h er to a s e a t O ffer her any a t tention o r converse with her A gentleman shoul d no t dance with his wife and not to o Often with t h e lady to whom he is en g ag ed , , , , . , , , , . , . . , , . . , , , . , . 2 51 T HE A M ER I CAN C O D E POL IT ENE S S OF . The P resident is acces s ib l e to p rivate individual s who desire to see him o n busi ne s s a n d he has al s o set apart an hour o r two o n certain days in each week for receiving the frien dly visits o f the public Thes e reg are Often varied a n d we therefore refrain u l a ti o n s from giving them The P resident never accepts i n vi ta t i o n s t o dinner or makes so cial visits A n invita tio n to dine wi th the P resident is accepte d n o tw i th s ta nding a previous engagement It is proper to a d dress him as ] if r P r e s i de nt , . , . . , , . . On . ’ N ew Year s day the Ne wYork custom prevails i n W ashingto n of keeping open house N o t only the P resident and cabinet but many o ther gentlemen O f fi ci a l and private have a dopted it and furnish their voluntary guests with refreshments - . , , , , . W e have thus given the l e adin g rules and principles Of Washingto n etiquette T o supply all the details of ceremony in so cial and O fi c i a l life woul d require a volume and compel us to depart from the plan hich ” we had marked o u t fo r ourselves . w , . WIT TA BLE A LL men AND A N E CDO T E S . bound to be especially amiable at table and every thing tart and ill nature d is therefore car e fully avoi ded B u t yet the graceful sally a n d happy r etor t a r e Often amo ng the mo st spicy and mirth r o p A celebrated scholar and vo k i ng events at a feast wit was selecting some Of the choicest delicacies on the table when a rich frien d sai d to him What ! do philosophers love dainties Why no t ? replie d the scholar ; do yo u think all the goo d things o f this worl d were ma de o nly for blo ckhea ds Thi s woul d be sure to set the table in a r e a r be cau s e it was a tilt between two friends and equal s and the question was aske d fo r the purpo se Of pr o vo k ’ ing a wit s reply ar e , - , . , , - . , , , , . when L ord C hesterfield came l ate to dinner an illustrious guest sai d t o him What my lord yo u ine s o late ! we have already drank six bottles o f Tha t said his lordship is more tha n I can s w at O nce , , ” “ l w o w , ” . “ , , ” . An in , traveller dining at a French or dinary S oho seeing a large dis h o f soup with abou t half a E ngli s h , 56 T A B LE W IT AN D AN E C D O T E S poun d of mutton in the middle o f it began to pull o ff his coat and vest at which a French gentleman a s ked him what he w a s going to do 9 Why monsieur s ai d he I am going to see if I can swim through thi s o ce a n of porri dge to yo u little island o f mutton , , “ , , , . A party of wags and were lately dining ’ at D elmonico s when after the bo ttle had ma de its tenth round o n e o f the company pr e posed this toast To the man whose wife was never false t O him ! u pon which a wag O f an O l d bachelor jumped up a n d said Gentle men as I am the only unmarried man at this table I suppose that that toast was intended for ” me Zi ttér a te u r s , , , ” , , , . Monsieur C harles N alo an eminent French trans lator being employed o n an A m e rican work came to the wor ds m oos e de e r ; he flew to his dictionary but could find no such word a s m oos e but fin ding the word hich had m ou s e he conclu de d that that w a s the wor d been misprinted m oos e and so he tran s lated m oos e ’ de e r great mice S i x feet high with antlers , , , , , , , , w , , . , A Frenchman having been but a short time in N ew York w a s invited to partake o f a large bowl O f punch a liquor which he ha d never taste d before The next day speaking o f his entertainment he aske d Vat de call da t liqueur da t be all co ntr a di cti o n : where is de brandy to m ake him strong a n d de water to make him weak de sugar to make him sweet a n d ” I suppo se yo u me a n de lemon to make him so u r ? , , , . , , , , , , T A B LE WIT 2 58 pleasure ; the second repentance AN D of , ANE C D O T E S intoxication . ; the third of , . A French officer demanding his salary fr m the o w , minister of war d e clared that he a s in danger o f dy h o saw that his visa g e ing o f hunger The minister w was full and rud dy told him his face gave the lie t o ’ his statement A h ! sir said the o ffi cer do n t trust tha t — this face is no t mine i t belongs t o my landlord ” h o has given me credit for a long time p ast , . , , “ “ . , , w , . A vintner to whom Ben Jonson was indebted in vi t e d him to dinner and to l d him if he would give him an immediate answer to the following questions he would forgive him his debt : What is G o d best pleased with ; what is the devil best pleased wi t h ; what is the world best pleased with and what am I ” best pleased with ? Ben without the least hesitation gave the following reply , , , , , , b e s t pl e s d w h e n m e f s k e th i s i n ; T h de vi l s b e s t pl e s d wh e n t h y p e s i s t t h e e i ; l l g o o dwi n e o l ds b e s t pl as d w h e n th o dos t T he w A nd yo e b e s t pl as e d wh e n I do p a y fo r mi ne G odi s a e ’ e r n , a e ’ e ’ u r or e e e r a r r n se u e ; . w w In a company where C ardinal P ole a s the con as versation turned o n a young man h o w very learne d but very noisy and turbulen t The cardinal remarked t hat L earning in such young men is like new wine in the vat ; but after it is put into a vessel having gathered its strength together it settles a n di s ” i ll uiet and st q , . , “ , , , , , . , T L ord A B LE WIT AND ANE C DO T E s 2 59 . C hesterfield complained very much at an inn here he dine d that the plates were dirty The aiter with a degree O f pertness ob served th a t w E very o n e must eat a p e e k o f dirt before he dies That may be true said his lordship ; but n o o n e ” is obliged t o eat it all at a meal w . , , , , “ . , . A n oble bibber w a s one day asked which could drink the most wine himself o r his brother— a go o d three bottle man but also famous for t aking care Of his mo ney O h said his lordship I have n o chance with ” — my bro ther he will drink any g i ve n amount , , “ . , , . ’ ” The author o f The P arson s D aughter when sur pri s e d o n e evening in his arm chair two o r three hours a f ter dinner is reported t o have apologized by saying When o n e is alone the bo ttle doe s come round s o Often O n a similar occasion S i r H ercules L anguish H ave you finished all that port o n being asked s n ? w three bottles without as ista ce ans ered N o ( ) f n o t quite that I had the assistance o a bo ttle f o ; ” Madeira “ , - , , , “ ” . , , “ , ” “ , , . A i t w at w an entertainment where at first they gave him excellent wine but after the fourth o r fi fth glass some sour stu ff These people sai d he I suppose take me for a cannon which has to be w a sh e d wi t h vinegar after every three or four rounds as , , ” “ . “ , , , , . w Opened an oyster shop as an his oth er e s tablishment w a s upbraide d A tavern keeper - a ppendag e to , ho - , T A B LE W IT 60 AN D ANE C D O T E S . by a neighboring oyster monger as being ung e nerou s and s e fi A nd why not ? sai d he would you n o t l sh have me s e tfi s h - “ “ . - In a comp any o f he n vi va nts as the to ast circulated a delicate gentleman simpere d out M i r th a nd i nno c e nce The jolly do g whose sentiment followed gave in a simil ar tone o f voice M i lk a nd w a te r , , , . , , . , A country bo oby bo asting the numerous acres he enj oye d Ben Jonson peevishly tol d him th at Fo r every acre yo u have o f land I h ave an acre of wit The o ther filling his glass said My service ” to you Mr Wi s e a cr e of , , ” “ . , . , , , . The C retan philosopher D emonax w a s asked if i t ” a s all o wable for wise men t o drink wine S urely w sai d he you canno t think that nature made grapes ” only for fo ols , , “ . , “ , . a s hiccoughing an ale house w a s he said both m e a t o u t t h e praises o f porter which and dr i nk H e shortly after tumbled into a ditch on hich his companion observed it a s also l odg i ng a n d w A man reeling out , of - , . whi as , ng w , , , w , . A la dy ten dere d a dish of fruit to a gentlem a n at table with thi s compliment : S i r this is no t fo rbid H e replie d Ma dam de n fruit if you please t o e a t by o ne Si gn infallibly it Shoul d be fo r I see it come s just now from p aradise “ , , ” , . , , . . , T A B LE WIT 2 62 A friend asked ANE C D O T E S AN D . C r e bi l l o n why he had introduced s o ” much terror into his tragedies I h a d no alternative said he C orneille has taken the heavens R acine the earth and I had no thing left but the infernal regions “ . , , ” . , day dining with a gentleman w whose beer w better hopped than malted and when the ho st asked the po et h w he liked his beer b La L ande on e as as o e r e , plied By the faith o f my bo dy it is very well hopp e d but if it had hopp e d a little further it had hopp e d into ” the water , , . — r c fl e black legs we e at a o e room at E p of W ar s o m during the races dining at the same time ren H astings was taking his dinner A gentleman present sai d in a l o vo ice What a wretched set is ” ” here ! A nd yet replied H astings they are your ‘ A party - . , , w , . “ , “ , be tte r s , . L ord Summerville in a party O f ladies gentle men propounded his plan for cultivating the waste s of A frica when a witty o l d mai d present whispere d loud enough to be heard th at she thou ght it a most nu a i s ts remained u nim c h aritable i dea while s o many w proved at home , a nd , , , , , . Three gentlemen going into a ho tel together o n e sai d to the waiter Bring me a glas s o f brandy and ” water I a m s o hot ! A no ther said Bring me some ” gin and sugar ; I have just ha d a chi ll The other ” cr i ed o u t Bri n g me a r u m p u nch because I hike i t , , - , , - , - . “ , - , . T A B LE WIT ANEC D O T E S AN D 2 63 . during the early part o f his political career once became terribly enraged at a tradesma n h o i n s o l e n t l y urged the p ayment o f a bill and threatened ” ” a s the reply to kick him to hell If y o u do I will tell yo u r father ho you a r e spending his money Fo x , w , , “ “ w . , , w , . A p oor it w h w told w that his joke s had fur ” n i s hed daily fo o d fo r conversation Then said he conv e rsation ha s thr ived better o n them than I as o , , , “ ’ ha ve f ” War s aid a n u gly Old woman is a ke e n r a vi s h ” er Faith r eplied a i t in a n underton e he mu st be if he meddle s with yo u w , “ . , , , , ” . , A w w w obleman ho a s a bout t o marry a lady Of gr eat fortune a s asked o n e day at dinner ho long ’ he thought honeymoo n would last and replied Do n t ” talk o f honeymoon it is ha r ve s t m oon wi th me n w , , , , , - , A n a bstemious . obleman chiding o ne o f his work men for inebriety Obse r ved It i s very O dd that all go o d workmen are addicted t o drunkenness Then I p r e s u m e that your lordship i s a n swer e d th e man n o t a go o d workman n , “ - , , “ , ' , . wfi i d t m T her w T o e ” en s a We l l ” ne i th e r U nor I , ta bl e ,— o n e aid rea di ng the paper ” — o n e Vow el a n hanged thi s mor ning as a l e t u s be tha nk fu l t h a t it as s a id t he o th e r ' . s , , w . “ , T A B LE WIT 2 64 An AND E nglish ANE C D O TE S . w gentleman entertaining his friends i th some excellent claret remarked that he sent a coupl e and receive d in return a o f hounds over to France ” hogshead o f this wine Then said o n e o f the com pany it is dog che ap , , , “ . , “ . , A po or man w o nce asked what thr ee things he woul d have if he could Obtain them by wishing First said he I w ould have as much fat bacon as I could eat ; next I would have as much ale as I ” could drink P uzzled for a third Object of happiness he at last sai d H an g it ! I will have a little more as . , “ , , , . , “ , ale ! ” A man with eleven daughters was complaining to a Y o u must hus friend that h e found it hard to live ” band your time said the Other and then yo u will do ” ” well enough I could do much better a s the r e ply if I could husband my daughters . , , . , w ” . , When C obbett kept a stationer s shop at P hi l a de l phia and was writing under the n ame o f P eter P o r cupine a youn g sub went to buy some quills and thinking to pass a j oke u p on P e t er asked him if they ’ were no t P o rcupine s quills ? Upon which C obbett ’ taking up the red coat s money dryly replied making at the same time a very profound bow O h i n o sir ! ’ they are a go ose s ’ “ , ” , , , , , - , , , S ally , da y , t o ” S a lly ? , said an amorous lover speaking the o ther hi s intended give me a kiss ; will you ” No I s a i d S a lly h e lp y ou r s elf , , “ , , . . T A B LE WIT 2 66 ANEC D O T E S AN D . eplied his haughtiness I have no house in Great G eorge street O h ! I beg a thousan d par dons sir said Mr R I thought all the town belonged to “ r , , . . u o y , , . Washington w a s visiting a lady in his neighbor ho od and o n hi s leaving the house a little girl was directed to open th e do or In passing the child he said I am sorry my dear t o give yo u so much trou ” bl e I wish sir she replied it was t o let yo u in , . “ , , , “ “ . , , , . A gentleman lo okin g at his watch just after mid n i g h t y r e m a r k e d, u o y go o dnight It is to m o r r o - m w , o r ni ng I mu s t bid ” - . H o rne To oke being asked by George III W hether . , he played at c a r ds replied ” t ell a kin g from a knave , “ , I canno t your Majesty , , . N ot long since a person threw the head of a goo se on t o the stage o f the Belleville theatre C o r tr u ad va n cm g t o the front said Gentl emen if any among yo u has lost his head do n o t be uneasy fo r I will restor e it o n the conclusio n o f the perform a nce , . , “ , , , , , . amiable enthusiast a worshipper o f natur e a fte r the m a n n e r o f R ousseau being melted into feelings o f u ni ver s al phi l anthropy by the softness and s erenity of a s p r i ng morning res olve d that for that da lea t t a s y An , , , , t , , T A B L E WIT AN E e DO T E s AN D 2 67 . no inj u red animal shoul d pollute his be a r d ; a n d hav i n g reco rded his vo whe w alke d six miles to a hamlet famous for fish dinners where wi thout a n idea Of breaking hi s sentimental engagement he regaled him self o n a small matter Of crimped c o d and oyster This reminds o n e Of a harmless piece of q uiz s a u ce ” — Quarterly R eview that although the Z ing in the P ythagorean Si r R ichard P hillips would n o t eat ani mal fo o d he w a s a ddicted t o gravy over his po tatoes ' , , , , , . “ , . , It w a s suggested t o a distinguished g o u r m a nd W hat ’ a capital dish all fi n s (tu rbo ts fins ) might b e made ” ” Ac C apital ! said he di ne with me t o morro w as c e pte d W ould yo u believe it ? when the cover w removed the sacrilegious do g o f an amphitryon had put into the dish C i ce r o de fi ni bns / There is a ” w ork all fins said he . “ “ . , , . , The voice if very stron g and sharp will crack a drinking glass O n e evening at a party at the L ondo n C o ffee house L udgate H ill Mr Broadhurst the well k n own teno r by singin g a high no te caused a win e glass o n the table t o break the bowl being separated fro m the stem , , - . , - , , . , , , , . Dr Franklin pleasantly observed that the only animals created to drink water are those w ho from their con formatio n are able to lap it u p o n the fa c e o f the earth W her ea s all those ho can convey their han ds t o their mouth were des t in e d t o e njoy the j u i ct of the gr a pe . , , , , . w T A B LE WIT 2 68 AN D ANEC D O T E S . ’ of L or d Byron s O dd fancies was dining at all sorts o f o u t o f the way places S omebo dy p e ppe d upon him in a co ffee house in the S tran d where the attraction was that he p aid a shilling to dine with his ” hat on This he calle d hi s ha t ho u s e O ne - - - . - , , - . . Talleyrand being asked if a certain authoress whom h o belonged rather to he had long S ince known but w ” a little tiresome N o t at a l l t h e last age was not ” she is perfectly so s aid he , , . , , “ . , is the touchston e o f go o d bree ding There have been men since A bsalom ho have owed their ruin t o a bad bo w S aluta tion , , w - . . A If bo o u y w(says L a Fontaine) is a no te drawn at sight acknowled g e it , u o y m u st pay the full amount . , P erhaps the best retort upon a lie is to outwit it a s G alba did when a courtier tol d him that he had caught eels in S icily five feet long That replied is no wonder for there they are so long th e emperor that the fishermen use them for ropes , , ” “ . , “ , , . What the bo ttle tells (and it is generally a great t el l ta le ) perhaps it is the duty o f friendship t o k eep s ecret Johnson is somewhat cyn ical upon the above maxim o f the ancients A man who is well warme d with ine will speak truth this he Observes may be a n ar g ument fo r drinking if you suppose m e n in gene , - , . w . ” “ , , “ , T A B LE WIT ANEC D O T AN D E S . with a s te e l the poet Mo ore to Whom this was tol d by L ord S t r o ng fo r d observed O h no thing is more natural for a l i terary la dy than to double down a I woul d rather re plie d his lord s hip a d Jage ” Jise L a dy C aroline to turn over a new leaf , , , ” “ “ . , , . C harles L b said once t o a bro the r whist player ho was a hand more clever than clean a n d who had e n ough in him to a f ford the joke : M if dirt were trumps what hands you would hold ! w am - , , “ . , , K enn e t L ord Mayor of L ondon in the year 17 8 0 began l i fe as a waiter a n d his m anners never rose above his original station When he was summo n e d ” to be ex a m i ne d before P arliament o n the riots one If you ring the bell K en o f the members Observed n e t will come o f course O n being aske d why o n the breaking out o f the rio t he did n o t send for the os s e co m i ta t u s he r e pl i e d h e did no t know where the p fellow lived els e he would O n e morning at the A l ’ derman s C lub he was at a whist t a ble a n d Mr A l der R ing man P ugh a dealer in so ap was at his elbow the bell so ap su ds sai d K ennet in his coarse way ’ replied P ugh you ve been R ing it yourself ba r twice as much u s ed to it as I have , , , , . , “ , . , , , , , . , , - . , , “ , , ” - . , , , ” , “ , , ” . A lady complaining ho wrapi dly time stole away A las ! I am near thirty ho was S carron w s ai d : , , ” “ . , pre s ent and knew her a g e s a id : D O no t fret at it ma dam fo r you will g et fu r ther from that frightful e po ch every da y , , , ” . , T A B LE W IT ANEC D O T E S AN D . L ord N orth whe n contemptuously alluded to by , ” Fo x as That thing termed a minister replied The hono rable gentleman calls me a thi ng and (patting hi s ample stomach) an unsh a pely thing I a m but when he a dds tha t thi ng te r m e d a mi ni s te r h e calls me tha t which he himself is mo st anxious t o become and therefore I take it as a compliment “ , , , , , , . , When L ord Bath was tol d of the determinatio n of turning o u t P itt and let ting Fox remain in the mini s try he sai d i t put him in mind of a story of the Gun powder P lo t The L or d C hamberlain was sent to ex amine the vaults under the P arliament H ouse a n d returning wi th his report said H e had foun d fi ve l tl i a t he had removed a n d twenty barrels O f g ri n p o w de r — ten o f them and hoped the o ther fifteen would do n o harm , , . , “ , - - , . Ma dame D a ci e r remarks that H omer makes n o men tion of any boile d meats ; and in all the entertain ments describe d by him (as in the dinner given by b A chilles in the ninth Ilia d) the p i f e dc r es i s ta nce o r principal dish un doubtedly is a broil from which it may be inferre d that the Greeks had n o t as yet dis covere d the art o f m aking ve s sels to bear fire Thi s discovery i s s u ppo se d to have reache d them from E g ypt a n d they rapi dly turne d it to the best account ; fo r the A thenians in particular seem to have as much ex celle d the rest of Greece in gastronomy as the French t he mo dern nation mo s t nearly resembling th em exce l th e rest of E urope i n this respect , , t , , e , , . , , , , , , . w T A B LE 2 72 rr AN D ANE C D O TE S . Among the witty aph o risms upon an unsafe topi c ’ — are L ord Al va nl e y s descripti o n of a man who mud; , , ’ t r a de s m e n s dl e d away his fortune in pa ying his bills ’ L ord O xfo r ds definition o f timber as an excre s cenc e o n the face of the earth place d there by P ro vi denc e ’ a n d P elham s argume n t for the p ayment o f debt s That it is respe c table to be a r r e s te d be ca u s e it show s ” that the party once had cr e dit “ , , , “ , . H enderson the actor was sel dom known to be in , , a passion When at O xford he was o n e day debatin g h o not kee p ing his temper with a fellow stu dent w ’ threw a glass of wine in th e actor s face when H en de r s o n to ok o u t his han dkerchief wi p ed his face and co olly sai d That sir was a digre s si o n ; n o for th e ” argument . , - , , , , w , , , , . ’ Theodore H o o k e s C o de of C ard table Signals in hi s clever nov e l o f G i lbe r t G u r ne y might b e very e ffect nall y re duced t o practice N ever says he l et m a n There are always a n d wife play together at whist family telegraphs ; and if they fancy t heir lo oks a r e watched they can always communicate by words I foun do u t that I coul d never win of S mi n g s m a y a n dhi s wife I mentioned this on e day and was answere d ’ ‘ ’ ‘ N 0 you never can win o f them Why ? sai d I ’ ’ ‘ Because said my friend they have establishe da code ’ ‘ ’ ‘ ’ ‘ D ear me said I signals by lo oks ? N o said he ‘ by words If Mrs S mi n g s m a y is to lea d S mi n g s m a y D ear begin dear begins with a d s o do dia s ays mon ds and out comes o n e from the la dy If he ha s - , , “ . , . . , . , . , . . , , , , , . . , “ , , , , . , 2 74 T A B L E WIT A nnc nor n s AN D . w Maurice Duke of H esse ; the rules of h i c h allowe d a knight to drink seven be ca u se o r glasses 113 each meal but only twice in the day I , , , only said but di d many witty t hings O n the death of C harles X he drove through P ari s for a couple of days wearing a white hat H e carried a crape in his pocket When he passed through the Faux bourg o f the C arlists the crape was instantly twi s ted roun d his hat when he came into the quarter of the Tuileries the crape was instantly slipt off and put into his p o cket again Ta lleyrand not . . , . , . , , . It is n o t o nly ill breeding but a sign o f bad taste t o be late It may sound very fine to be called the l a te M r S o a nd s e ; it is an easy mode of attracting attention to draw] out an inquiry about the soups o f the season as if you ha d never had the goo d fortune to be present at a fir s t course ; but it is far from pleasant to fi n d the woman you wish mo st to sit by monopolize d a n d yourself p l a nte d bet w een t he bor e and the g ap as we once heard a lady de s cr i be he r p o sitiou with Si r A on her left and an uno ccupied chair upon her right The most unpunctual persons ever known were two brothers celebrated time immemorial in the place hol ding worl d The late L or d D u dley u s e d to say o f them that if you aske d R obert for Wednes day at s even y o u woul d h ave C harles on Thurs day at eight - , , . - - . , , ’ , , . . , . , . , A n illi terate person , w h o always volunteered to g o TA w BLE rr AN D ANE C D O T E S 2 75 . ’ ound with the hat bu t was suspected of sparing hi s fect r c n pocket overhearing o nce a hint to that e f ow plied O ther gentlemen puts down what they thinks ’ proper and s o do I C harity s a private concern and ” what I give is nothi ng to nobody r , , , . , , . young Americans travelling o n horseback amo n g the White Mountains became inor dinately thirsty and s te pp e d fo r mi lk at a house by the road a s o ffered and They emptied every basin that w s i de still wanted more The woman o f the house at length brought an enormous bowl o f milk and set it down O n e would think gentlemen o n the table saying : ” had never been weaned u o y S ome , , , . , . , “ , , , . C oleridge relates I have had a go o d deal to do i th Jews in the course o f my life although I never w borrowe d any money o f them T he other day I was what you call floor e d by a Jew H e passed me several times crying out fo r o l d clothes in the most nasal a n d extraordinary tone I ever heard A t last I was so ’ provoked that I said t o him : P ray why can t yo u ’ in a plain way as I do now The s ay o l d clothes Jew s t e pp e d and lo oking very gravely at me sai d i n a cl ear and even fi n e accent : S i r I can say o l d ’ clo the s as well as yo u can but if you ha d to say so ten times a minute for an hour together you would ’ ‘ o h cl o d n d as I now so he marche s ay o a d o f f g ; a s so confoun ded with the justice o f his retort I w that I followed and gave him a shilling the only o ne I ha d , . . , . , “ , , , , , “ , , , , . , , . T A BLE WIT 2 76 AN D ANE C D O T E S . — a symbol o f I sat in a co ach Oppo site a J e w o l d clothes bags— a n Isaiah o f H olywell street He would close the win dow I Opene d it H e clo se d it again upon which in a very solemn tone I sai d to him S o n of A braham thou s m e l l e s t son o f Isaac ! thou art o fi e n s i ve son o f Jacob ! thou s ti nk e s t foully S e e the man in the moon ! he is hol ding his no se at that distance dost thou think that I sitting here can ” end u re it any longer ? My Jew was astoni s he d he opened the w in dow forthwith himself and said H e was sorry he did no t know before I a s so great a gentleman O nce - . . , , ‘ . , , “ , , w , . is characteri z ed by C oleridge as the soul of C an anything beat R abelais dwelling in a dry place ’ his remark o n K ing William s motto (R e c e pi t n o n ” r a i ce t that the receiver was as bad as the thief ? p ) S wift , . , , “ , A fter clubs are not altogether so bad a thing for family men They act as conductors to the s torm s usually hovering in the air The man force d to r e main at home and vent his cro ssness o n his wife and children is a much worse animal to be with than the ma n who grumbl e s his way to P all Mall and no t dar i n g to swear at the club servants or kno ck about the club fu r ni tu r e be co m e s socialize d into decency N o th i ng like the subordination exercise d in a communi ty o f equals fo r reducing a fiery temper all , - . . , , , , - , - . , . A sho emaker in P icca dilly to astonish the world had put up a motto from E uripi des over his , , determined TA 2 78 BLE WIT A N D A N E C D O T Bs . remarked to Mrs S id dons that applau se a s ne cessary t o actors as it gave them confi dence ” More replied the actress it gives us breath S ome w on e . . , ” , A . , being observed by a frien d who had n o t seen him fo r a long time to be do wncast in his countenance and very unlike himself was a sked whether anything serious ha dbefallen him N o thing was his reply but I am quite an altered o f that sort ” character ; I have left o ff drinking Indeed ! re plied his frien d rather astoun de d a t the assertion ” ’ a n d since when ? S ince two o clo ck this morn ’ ” a s the facetious reply the speaker s countenance ing w resuming its usual cast o f go o dhumor and mirth hon vi va n t ' , , , , “ . ” , , ” “ . , , “ , , - . H obbs o nce said a celebrated bo ok worm If I had read as many volumes as you have done I should have been as ignorant as you are to “ - , . The pl ea s ures of the table h ave never been i n co m patible with the gifts of genius or the investigations o f the un derstanding I canno t conceive says Dr Johnson the folly of those who when at table think o f every thing but eating ; fo r m y part w h en I am there I think of no thing else a n dw hoso ever do es n o t trouble himself with this important a ffair a t dinner o r supper will do n o go o d at any o ther time , ” . . , , , , , , , . , L a dy Bles s ingto n remarks hat people who we a r , creaking shoes or boo ts are precisely those mo s t a ddi cted t o locomo tion . h w o ar e T A BL E WIT An AND E nglish AN E C D O T E s 2 79 . gentleman wanting a dessert ser vice of po r celain ma de after a p articular pattern sent over to C hina a specimen dish o rdering that it should be exactly copie d for the whole service It unfortunate l y happened tha t in the dish so sent over the C hinese manufacturer discovered a crack the consequence a s that the entire service sent over t o the party o r dering it had a crack in each article carefully copied after the original - , , , . w - , , . H o oke de dicated th e first volume of his R oman H istory to P ope which he said was like hanging o u t a si gn with a great flourish at the bottom o f it t o catch the traveller as he go es by “ , , , , ” . O l d D ick B aldwin stoutly maintained that no man ” ever died of drinking S ome puny things he sai d have died learning to drink but no m a n ever die d o f drinking N o wB was no mean authori t y for he s poke from great practical experience a n d was mor e ’ over many years treasurer o f S t Bartholomew s hos pital . , , “ , . . , , , , . . Mr Bentham has thus formally refuted the commo n fa l l a c v as to the cruelty o f skinning live eel s N o eel is used to be skinne d successi vely by several persons bu t one a n d the same per s on is use d succes s ively to s k in several eel s . . o gentl emen in the theatre lobb y The meeting of t w i s a h a ppy illustration of the confusion a similarity o f dr e s s o ccasions C oming from di fferent points each . , T A BLE WIT 2 80 AND AN E C D O T E s . in a great hurry o n e ad dressed the o t ne r with P ray are you the box keeper ? N o replied the o ther ” are you ? , , ” - , ” , , The French a very sober people have a proverb , , Q n i l fa u t, S ’ e ni vr e r a cha g u e an m oi n s w mo u ne , f oi s which has been improve d by some on this si de o f the water into an excuse for getting drunk every da y in the week for fear that th e specific da y shoul dbe mi s se d It woul d however startle some sober persons to fi n d this que s tion ma de a grave argument yet whether ” i t is no t healthful to be drunk once in a mon th i s treated o f by Dr C arr in his letters to D e Quincey , , . , , , “ , , . . L ord Bolingbroke shrewdly no tes I have ob served that in come dy the best actor plays the part o f the droll while some scrub is made the hero o r fine gentleman S o i n this farce of life wise men p ass ” their time in mirth whilst fo ols only are serious , , , . , , . , N othing is a courtesy unless it be meant for us and tha t frien dly a n d lovingly We o w e no thanks to rivers that they carry our boats o r winds that they be nourishing ; for these are what they are n e ce s sarily H orses carry us ; trees shade us ; but they — kno w it n o t B e n Jo ns on , . , , , . . . S heri dan h a d a Bar dolph countenance with heav y features but his eye p ossesse d the most distingui she d brilliancy Mathews said i t a s very simple in T o m . , w T A BLE 2 82 WIT w accounted a point A NE e D O T E s AN D of . hospitality that the guests in the kitchen should be made as drunk as their mas ters in the dining h all as , - . Ude when in P aris had fallen in love and matters were nearly brough t to matrimony P revious to this conclusion U de however pru dently made a calcula ti o n (he was an excellent steward) o f the expenses o f ’ marrie d life and i n the estimate set down Madame s expen di ture at so many louis N e wU de customarily conve y ed his billets in an envelope o f pate s and he i n ’ t e n de d to shrou d his o ffer in a pat e dA m a n de but u nfortunately in the confusion of love and cookery the e s ti m ate o f hou s e keeping was sent instea d of the pro posal The next da y Ude was apprise d o f his mistake by a l etter from his mi s tress stating the high estima tion I n which she held M Ude but that as louis were to o small an allowance for a woman of fashion she must decline the hono r o f becoming Ma dame Ude The sto ry go t win d a n d by a sort of l ns ns a no n ’ as l u e e ndo analogy the name o f P a t é dA m a n de w ’ chan ged into P a t é dA m o u r , , , . , , , , . , , , , , , - . , . , . , , . The C ount A ltamira a splendid little man four feet two inches high coul d bo ast o f the title o f P rince wi t h three duke doms although he used the ancient title as the chi efest hono r H e would never bow his n eck to th e yoke of N apoleon ; and he it was who ma de the app r opriate reply to Wittol C harles IV hen he said C ousin what a little fellow you are I w Yes sire but in my o wn house I am a gr eat o n e , , , , , . . , , , “ , . TA C BL E WIT AN D ANEC D O T E S 2 83 . mbac e res second consul under the French repub l ic and arch chancellor under the empire having o ne da y been de tained in consultation with N a poleo n be yo nd the appointed hour o f dinner begged par do n fo r as it was absolutely nec s uspending the conference essary for h i m to dispatch a special messenger i m mediately then seizing a pen he ro te this billet to — his co ok : S auve z les entremets les e n t r e e s sont p erdues a , - , , , , w , . A p atrio tic Frenchman has observed : I regard the “ discovery of a dish as a far more interesting event than the discovery o f a star for we have alw ays stars enough but can never have to o many dishes ; and I sh a ll no t regard the sciences as su ffic i ently honored o r represented among us until I see a co ok in the first ” class o f the Institute , , , , . A lexander N ewell D ean of St ’ P aul s and Master o f Westminster S cho ol in the reign o f Queen Mary was a n excellent angler But says Fuller whilst N ewell a s catching o f fishes Bishop Bonner w as catching o f N ewell and wo u ld certainly h ave sent hi m to the sh ambles had no t a go o d L ondo n mercha n t conveyed him away upon the seas N ewell a s fi s h ing upon the banks o f the Thames wh e n he received the fir s t intimation o f his danger which w a s so press ing that he dare not go back to his o w n house to make any preparation fo r his flight L ike an hone s t angler he had taken with him provision for the day ’ a n d when in the first year o f E ngland s deliveranc e , . , , w , . - , , , , w , . , , , . , T A BLE W IT 2 84 ANE C D O T E S AN D ‘ . he retur n ed to his coun try a n d his o w n haunts he r e membered that o n the day of his flight he h a d l eft a bo t tle of beer in a safe place o n the bank : there he lo oke d for it a n d foun d it no bo ttle but a gun such the soun d a t the opening thereof a n d this (says Fuller) is believed (casualty is mo ther o f mo re i n ve n tio n than industry) the original o f bo ttled ale in ” E ngland , , , , “ , , . o r thy Mrs M o l e s w who was the daughter o f the R ight H onor a ble L ord M o l e s w o r thy o f Ireland was a fine wit and po etess in her day which was ab out the time o f Milton S he was quite as free in some of her j okes as some of o u r mo dern strong minde d women The following epigram on a gallant lady is hers ‘ . , , , , . - . O ’ e r He th i s m a r bl h e s fa i r re All m nk i a An d s h e nd e dr o p a R o s l i n de a w pl as wi th e as e te ar ; d wi th h , e r, ” m a nk i n d a ll In a po em entitled R unaway L ove she makes Venus o ffer the following extraordinary reward for the a ppr e h e n s i o n o f her son C upid , , fi A n d h e th a t T he s wt n ds t h e bo y s h al lh a ve k i s s I e v e r g ve ; th a t b r i n g s h i m t o m y a r m s e e Bu t he e s t S h al l m as t e r be a o f al l my ch a r m s , ” . a literary p arty at S trawb erry H ill 12 th S e p t ember 1 7 3 4 Mr W alpol e remarked that at a certain er t ime o f their lives men o f genius seem to b e i n flo w At , , , . . , . T A BLE 2 86 A N E C DO T E s AN D e . go t entangled in the legs o f tho s e w h o sat beside h i m ” ” S i r said an offi cer fi e rcely your sword annoys me Very likely s i r s aid the gasco n co olly I believe it ha s annoyed a go o d many . “ , , . , ” , , , , ” . w The Duchess D owag er o f Bolton h o was a na t u ral daughter o f the Duke o f Monmouth used to divert G eorge I by a ffecting to make blunders O nce when ’ she had been at the play o f L ove s L ast Shift she ’ ” called it L a de r ni e r che mi s e ole l Amou r , , . . ” “ , “ . , A t ano ther time she pretended come t o court in a great fright and the king asking the cause she said ’ she had been at Mr W hi s t o n s who tol d her the world wo u l d be burnt up in three y ears and fo r her part she a s determined to go t o C hi n a to , , . , w , , , . The Abbe R egnier secretary o f the French A cademy w a s collecting in his hat from each member a contri bu ti o n for a certain purpose The presi dent R o ses o n e o f the forty was a great miser but h a d p aid his quota which the A bbe n o t p e r ce i vm g he presented th e hat a secon d time R o ses as was t o be expected said he h a d already paid I believe it answered R e g ” ” A n d I added Fo n nier though I did no t see it ho I s a it bu t I do n o t t e ne l l e w a s b e s i d e him b eliev e it , , . , , , , , , . , , “ . , “ “ , . , w w . “ , . , , ” . C ardinal Berm s when on l y a n Abbe solicited C ar dinal Fle u r y the n four score fo r some p refe r ment Fl e u r y t, o ld hi m fa ir l y he s hou ld ne ve r h a ve a nythi ng de , , - , . , , T A B LE W IT ANEC D O T E S AN D . if ons e i g ne u r J in his time Bernis replied ” My lord I shall wait . j ’ a tte ndr e r , “ . , Francis I was o n e day playing at ten pins when a monk who was playing o n his side by a successful ’ stroke insured the victory to the kin g s party Well ” done ! said the king a brave stroke for a monk your majesty can make it S ire replied the mo nk the blow of an Abb e when you please S o o n after wards the A bbaye of Bo u r m a z e n became vacant and the king gave it to him - . , , , . “ , , . , . An advo cate the king in pleading used to put his arms in such a positio n that he seemed to be level ling them at the court The president a man of hu mor tire d o f this eternal gesture said to him o n e day R aise your piece a little sire ; y o u will hurt some of , , _ . , , , , “ , ’ bo dy f of O ctober , 16 09, the , , dau g hter o f the C ount de C r e q u i aged nine was married t o the Mar quis dc R oh an the son of the Duke de S ully The minis ter Dumoulin seein g the bride appro ach said ” D o you p resent this child to be b aptized ? O n t he 18 th . , , , , , When Fox came last into power he was o n e da y Why ta lking t o Mr S heri dan about new taxes that is no t my department all I s aid Mr S heridan think is that we shoul d be careful no t to meddle with ” a ny that reach ourse l r e s A ye ! rejoined Mr Fo x ” w hat then think yo u o f o n e o n r e ce i p ts l , “ . . . , , , “ . ” . , TA 2 88 BLE WIT ANE C D O T E S AN D . w The Abb é de l a R iviere a s pra i s i n g very highly ’ the D u e d O r l e a n s the uncle o f L ouis XII in the presence o f hi s daughter A mong o ther things he said H e was a very wise and pious prince a n d a ” ” man o f great w True replied Ma demoiselle o r th ’ d O r l e a ns you ought to know bett e r than any o n e ” for you have sold him often enough , . , . , “ , , “ . , , , . L ouis XII one day lo oking at himself in his mir . ror was astonished to see a number o f grey h airs o n ” his head A h ! said he these must be owi n g to the long speeches I have listened to and it is tho se le of M in particular that have ruined my hair , “ “ . , , . M Bossuet Bishop o f Meaux at eight years o f age reached a sermo n at the H o tel de ambouillet It R p was nearly midnight when he close d and Voiture w ho was present sai d as he r o se to go I have never ” — heard a sermon so early o r s o late . , , , . , , , , , . ’ Bantin in presentin g a poet to M dH e me r y said S i r I presen t yo u a p erso n h o can give yo u imm e r tality but you must give hi m somethin g to live upo n meanwhile w , , . , , . A ug ustus N icholas die dj ust at the time when a poll tax hi s w abo t to b e levied and the wits who knew avaricious disp osition said he died t o avoid it a n d as u , , , , T A BLE WIT 2 90 AN D A N E C D O TE s : preached a t fRou e n the tradesmen forso ok their shop s lawyer s their clien ts physicians their sick but whe n I pre a che d the following year I set all t o rights e ve r y , , , , m a n m i nde d hi s S cipio o wb , u s i ne s s n Na s i ca the cousin , ” . of the great S cipio call e d o n e day o n E nnius the po et whose servant though hi s ( a s at home denie d him master w o on after nnius S E ) retur ned the visit and was told by S cipio himself that he a s n o t at home N ay said E nnius I know ” u o are I hear your vo ice Y o u are a fine fellow y indeed ” replied S cipio When I called the o ther da y o n y o u I believed the maid w ho told me you were n o t at home and now u will no t believe m e althou h o y g ” o h a ve m y o n w u or dfo r i t y , , , , . w , “ “ . , , . , . . , . , , , , , s w , . The learned professor and principal o f the A c adem y o f S aumur used t o spen d five ho u rs every morning in his study but was very punctual at dinner O n e day o n hi s no t appearing precisely at the dinner hour his wife entered his stu dy and foun dhim still reading I wish sai d the l a dy that I were a book Why so ? replied the professo r B ecause yo u woul d then be ” consta nt t o me I should have n o obj ecti on r e j oined the professor provided yo u were a n alma ” ” B e ca u s e I Why an almanac my dear ? na e , . , , , , , . ” ” “ . , , “ . ” “ . , “ , “ “ . s ho u l d the n ha ve In g r e at a ne w , one e ve r . y ar e y . times o f Dio g enes an infamous char acte r o f i nte l l e c t u al no te had the following ins cr i ptio n th e , , , T A B LE WIT ANEC DO TES AN D 2 91 . written above his doo r L et n othin g bad enter thi s ” do o r A nd where said Dio g ene s shall the mas ’ t e r o f the ho use enter ? . ” “ , , . Joshua B arnes the famous p r ofessor o f Greek at C ambridge was remarkable for a very extensive m e m t u m e n d f o but also for the weakness his r ; and o y j g when he died the wits wro te , , , , , j H ie ac e t Jos hu a B ar n e s , Fe l i c i s s i m ae m e m o r i ae , ” E xp e ct a n s u dici u m j . H ere lie s Joshu a B arnes w a i ti ng for j u dg me n t of h ap py mo st memory , 5 . The Marquis de l C arpio a g randee o f Spain w as h o presented o nce giving the holy water t o a lady him a skinny ugly hand o rnamen ted with a costly diamo n d and he said loud enough to be heard Q ni s I had rathe r i e r a m a s l a s or ti j a g ne la m a no i e ” have the ring than the hand The lady taking hol d i nstantly o f the golde n collar o f his order said E g o cl e A nd I the halter rather ca be s tr o g u e cl a s no : i ” than the ass , , w , , , , , “ . . , . , , , “ . . , , . h w made p w f this century w a m w therefore expected M r P ye at the begin as ning o a n o f great learning and much a s of him H is fir s t o de ’ a s o n the k i ng s bi r th and it was distinguished fo r w n o t hing but i ts fre q uent allusions to vo ca l r o ve s and g . , o as oe t l au r e a te , , , . T A BLE WIT 2 92 choi r A N D A NE O D O T E s . George S tevens a facetiou s r e ad it and immediately exclaimed . , it w , Wh e n w th e P y e as Ope ne d T he bi r ds be g a n to s i ng ! ’ An d as n t t ha t a da i n t dis h w To b e for e t se y . a ki ng w as Que e n Margaret o f Fran ce wife o f H enry IV provoked by o n e o f many beggars t o s a y P a u p e r u bi ” n the men the po or lie everywhere ! whe u e j a ce t q di ca n t t o her s u rp r ise exclaimed , , , , , Si f or e t hoe ve r Q T hy be d th e n , If i t we r e which To tr u t he e ) u u e e n “ m, P a u p e r ! thi s poo T he r ’ — J u bi qu e fa ce t gh t I s h o u l d li e he r e ! l i e e ve r y w ni th e r e , ” Queen r e torted C a r ce r i s i n te ne br i s p lor a n s ha c n octe ‘ S i for e t hoc ve r u m, P a u p e r u bi q u e j a ce r e s , mk Ap da r k ! t hi s r i s on If i t we r e tr u e “ , ni T he l gh t p oo ee r y o u s h ou d l i e t h e ” li e e ve r he r e yw re , n , . w When D ante a s at the C ourt o f II S i gnore dell a S cala the sovereign o f Verona the prince said to him I wonder Signo r Dante that a man s o o ne day : learned as yo u are should be hate d by all my court ” p ointing to his favo rite bu flo o n who a n d this fool sto o d by him shoul d be by all bel oved D ante re plied You r E xce ll e ncy w ou l d w onde r le s s u o if y , , “ , , , , , ~ , “ s i de r e d tha t se l ve s ” . wli k e e thos e be s t w h o , mo s t r es e m ble ou r l REAMBLES AND RESOLUTIONS ’ . A P RE is si mply an int i o l u e t i o n to a resolu tion o r to a set o f 1 c s o l u ti o ns and 1s i ntended t o give reasons hy they s hould b e o ffered , AM B L E w , . The Opening clause o f the D eclaration o f In de p e n dence o f the United S tates partakes o f t he nature o f a r e a m bl e a n d is as follows p When in the course o f hu m a n events it becomes nece s sary for o ne people to dissolve the political ban ds w hich have connecte d them wi th another and to a s sume among t he powers o f the earth the separate a n d ’ equal station to which the laws of n a t ure a n dof nature s G o d entitle them a decent re s pect to the Opinions o f mankind requires that they shoul d declare the causes which impel them to the separatio n , “ , , , , . The above si m ple a n d brief statement o f the reason why the de cl a r a ti on which follows i t is ma de is a mo d e l p r e a m ble i n consequence of i ts br e vi ty and s i mp l i c i ty and the de cl a r a ti on i tself partakes o f the nature , 2 ( 94) P RE AM BL E S A N D intent o f a series in dependence a nd of of r RE S OL UTI ONS 2 95 . esolutions justifying the , a ct . ‘ a should be as brief statement as is pos s ible o f the character and pro p riety o f the r esolutio n s to which it is an intro ductio n A pr ea mble . There is o n record an amusing history o f the man ner in which o u r pious N ew E ngland fathe r s justified their seizure o f all the lands o f the natives o f the country which they accomplished by preamble and resolutions in something like the following form ’ ‘ Whe r e a s The earth is the L ord s and the ful nes s ’ thereof 1s t It i s R e s ol ve d That this land belongs t o the L ord ’ e are the L ord s people 2 d R e s ol ve d That w 3 d Therefore R e s ol ve d That thi s land belon g s t o , , , “ , , . , , An d they . , , to ok it , . P reambles and resolutions are sometimes introduced w ith great e ffect o n convivial o ccasions t o giv e a s ort of mock dignity and importance t o so me com mo n event and may be made a source o f a great deal o f , , , , 2 96 P R E A M BL E S AN D RE S OL UTI ON S . musement A N e w Y o rk gentleman who was abo u t a s to starting fo r the ci ty o f Wa s hingt o n wh e r e he w be married gave a supp e r to hi s bachelor frien ds a t which after the party was considerably warme d with cham p agn e the followin g preambl e a n d res olution s were introdu ced as a c o ncluding a ct o f a n e venin g o f merriment Whe r e a s Marriage ha s be en held in the highest e s teem by all r e fined and civilized nations a n d has the s anction o f divine c o mman d as the only authorize d — means o f multiplying and replenishing the ea r th and Whe r e a s O u r worthy and ob e di e nt h o st m o ve d with a sincer e and pi ous de sire t o obey this c o mm an d to t he utm o st of his distinguish e d ability has res o lved to e u ter at onc e upo n the ardu o us and r esp o nsible duties of matrim o ny ther e fo re R e s ol ve d That this meeti n g t en der to hi m co ng r a tu l a ti o n s and expres s its high sense of the fidelity a n d ability with whi ch he will pros e cute his lau dable u n a . , , , , , , , , , , - , , , de r t a k i n g R e s o l ve d, . That a commi tt e e o f nineteen be appointe d t o accompany him o n his j ourney as fa r a s the city o f Baltimore to s upp o rt comfort a i d and enco u ra g e h m and thereby keep him from faltering in his matrimo n i a l intentions R e s o l ve d That we generously allow o u r w o rthy hos t to pay all the expenses o f sai d committ e e , , , i , , . , . At convivial p arty of j o u r neymen tailors the a s concluded with th e fo llowin g p r eamble n i ng w resolutions a , e ve and 2 PREA MB LE S 98 AN D R E S O I Ur i oN s . The preambl e and resoluti ons i r ay be m ade to con vey the most terrible rebuke to ra s cality a n d hyp o cr i an instance o f which Occurred some time ago in sy a small villa g e about thirty miles di stant from the me A man who ha d been a l l his life a gambler t r o p ol i s o f the most scandal ous descri ptio n a n d who brought ” u p his daughters in a free love club and from thei r childhoo d familiarized the m to the society o f black legs and li centiou s adventurers was rebu ked by the i n illager s in the follow i ng manner di g n a n t v ‘ , . , , , - , . ' , Whe r e a s All such practices as gambling and the man , obscene and indecent wares are o pposed to the best interests of so ciety and c a nn Ot exist ith o u t more o r less destroying the fou n dations o f moral i ty and religion and ’ Whe r e a s It is every man s duty to protect society from all s u ch asso ciations as have a tendency to co r r upt go o d manners and go o d mor als R e s ol ve d That the man ho o ffen ds a gainst society by the practice of s uch aggravate d a n d indecent vices forfeits all claim to the respectful notice o f decent and u pri ght p eople R e s o l ve d That no man can familiarly asso ciate with gamblers bl a ck legs an d venders o f obscene arti cles without subj ecting himself to t he r u s p i ci o n o f co nn i v i s at these monstrous and di gusting v ces i ng R e s o l ve d That young women who are brought up in ” fre e love s u ch licentious and abomi nabl e s o Ji e ty as club s and w h o asso ciate from their infancy with the mo s t impure a n d abandoned O f men and women a r e u fa c tu r i n g of w ' , - , w , . , - , , , ‘ . , , , PREA MB LE S AND RE S OLU TI ON S 2 9 9 . nfi t a n d dangerous asso ciates for the sons a nd da u g h ters o f r espectable and well conducted families Re s o lve d That any man h o would open t h e do or s o i respectable families t o such l o o s e m m de d an d co r r u p t i n g a s s o ci a t i o n s is a fo e t o the well being a n d virtuous manners o f refined so ciety and deserves t o be regarded with suspicion and dread by all prudent a n d right minded parents R e s o lve d That it is neither p r e s cr i pti o n n 0 1 p e r s e c u tio n to refuse the or dinary intercourse o f respectabl e so cial life to tho se ho disr egar d the sacred rules o f decency morality a nd religio n u - w , . ' - , , - . , w , . , ’ W e scarcely ne ed add that the a bo ve pr e a mbl e a n d r e solutions had the desired e ffect upo n the obnoxio u s fa mily and completely b anished it from every avenu e o f pr u de nt a n d respectable so cial intercourse The remedy was a truly severe o n e and o n e that c oul d n o t be approved by the ch a ritably dispos e d e x c ept under circumstances where the gre atest alarm w a s felt fo r the go o d manners and p u re moral s o f t he y ou ng o f both sexe s ' ‘ , ' . , , ‘ . DUTIE S OF CHAIRMAN OF A MEE TING ELEC TI ON , OR APPO I N TMENT . . this o ffi ce r o f co u r s e depend mai nly the orde r e ffi ciency o f a meeting It is t o o m u ch the a nd the cus t om t o confer the o ffi ce a s a sort o f compliment a s A n d a s rank a n d the a mark o f respect t o the man possession o r reputed possession of wealth are held in respect s o some o n e o f the persons present more distinguishe d than t he rest by a quality o f this kind i s usually selected A reputation fo r learni n g o r for talent comes in fo r its share o f consideration ; a n d and gentlemanly deportment and r ipeness o f ye a rs cond u ct have their weight A ll this is very wel l Men do lo ok will lo ok and in dee d o u ght to lo o k among the possessors o f these distinguishing charac t e r i s t i cs for their lea ders their representatives and their presidents A nd if t hey find in o n e o f these po ssessor s the qualitie s which fit a man for the o ffi c e in ques tion they will act wisely in selecting him 1 . ON , , . , . , , , . , , , . . , , , , , , , . . , To co nfine ourselves however m a n for the o fi i ce o f chairman o f a deba te is t o be held 2 . , , (300) , the selectio n o f a me e ti ng i n whi ch a to 8 02 D U TI E S O F O F A M EE TI N G C H A IR MA N . into no thing when the m a n is placed i n a situation fo r which h e is no t and for which he a n d every person present fe el that he is no t fitted Whilst o n the contrary the fitting man al though devoi d Of all exter n a l ai ds of person a nd of fortune witho u t reputation fo r talents o r for learning but having a knowl e dge o f the duties o f the business o f the o f fi ce ; having a min d clear n ot liable to be disturbe d ; a man thus self po ssessed with appearances and prepossessions against him will often disperse a n d emerge from the di fficulties and make the assemblage for get the m a n in the dignity a n d th e importance of the o ffice , , . , , , , ‘ ' , , , - , , , . 7 S uch entire fitn e s s fo r the O ffice o f ch air ma n is no t i t must be confessed often to be foun d H owever in every ass e mblage o f o u r countrymen we may find some o f th ese qualities some o f the s e mental qualificati ons A nd if we fi n d them in a man respectable for his years and his perso nal appearance let them be preferred ; ’ if with these w find Wealth ho n orably inh e rite d o r e acquire d an d liberally enj oye d still better ; a n dla s t l y if I n a ddition to all th e se excell e nt qualific atio ns we can fi n dfor our cha i rman a man in the enjoyment o f a high statio n I n so ciety then shall we have every reasonabl e security for the pleasant the Orderl y a n d the e fficient con du ct o f a meeting Whilst on t h e co ntrary when a man is thrust into the O ffice ju s t to s u bs or ve the views o f an o ffi ci o u s in dividu al O r party with out any n a tural o r acquire d person a l fi tne ss for it —his incapacity st a n ds in need of so m an y a dvisers many t i nt e e r their aid ; he g ets so ma n y parti cipa . , . , , “ ‘ . , , , , , , " , , , . , , , , , , ' ELE C T I ON , or. A PPO I N T MENT 3 03 . tors in his O ffice ; petty a nd self appoi nted ch air me n spring up in e very quarter of the m e eting which so on instead o f becoming an orderly assemblage dege n er ates into a disorga nize d m o b and Would after wrang li n g and quarrelling disperse as such Were it no t fo r the determined pe r s e verance o f some few energeti c me n h o may take the i mbecile chairman into thei r hands and by poking hi m about through o n e step after ano ther get through the business of the meeting t wi th o r without the k nowle dge o r the concurrence o f the greater p art o f the perso n s present , , , , , , w , , , , . catastrophes o f thi s kin d and to O btain at ’ l east so me o f t h e satisfactory results and a ttendan t circ u mstanc e s o f an O rde r ly and well conducte d m e et ing let every man o n his fi rst entran ce into it and u ntil the ch airman be appo inted cast about him and be prepared instan tly to name the mo s t suitable person in h i s estimation fo r the o ffi ce T hus will each man be prepar e d to do his du ty o n this pr e l i mi n ary and important point t hus prepared each B eing indivi dual may wait until the l apse of the moment when the app o intment is to take place Then o f co u r s e s ome s er o n ought to propose a chairman o r i f t he r e p be some su fficient reason for deferring such propo sitio n for a short time i t Will be a n a ct o f ac ceptable ki nd n ess on the pa i t of any gentleman in an au dible vo ic e to a dd1 e s s a few wor ds to the assemblage stating i n his opinion such reason and proposin g in distinct terms no t an in definite time no t a fe w no r m i ni te s ” te n m i nu te s Or a u r a t e r o a n ho u r bu t a definite q f 8 To . a vo 1d , ‘ ' , , , , , ' , , . . , \ . , , “ , , , , , , , , , , , , 304 D UT I E S O F C HA I R M A N or A M EE TI N G . time : so that the persons present may know e xactly their time may know the moment to which the busi ness o f th e meeting is a djourne d and not be left at the mercy o f any tricky party who might mo u l d the meeting to almost any shape o r purpose by taking a d vantage o f an i n defini te a dj o u r me n t whi ch is in fact and ought al w ays t o be regarded as a breaking up o r di ssolution o f the meeting , , , , , . 9 The moment fo r business having a r r i ve d the momen t . , fo r the appointment of a chairman some o n e o f the meeting n ames a gentleman for the o fi i ce L et not this disconcert any man It is the moment o n which the order and respectability o f the meeting depend more than o n any o ther and let each man w h o is a l over o f order be prepared to do his duty If he be t h e man o n whom y o u have fixed second the nomina t ion with all decent expe dition but if no t if you think al o u have set your eye n a mo re eligible man just o y low time and no t an instant longer than is requisite just allo wtime for such a seconding and then he th er the first nomination be seconde d or n o t i n as firm a voice as y o u are master o f nominate the gentleman whom yo u have chosen , . . , . , , , , , , , w , , . 10 . L et it n ot b e imagined that such a nomination of a econ d a third a fourth o r a fifth gentleman for this o ffice i s any mark o f disrespect towards any o n e I may n o t know the gentleman or gentlemen alrea dy n ominated o r knowing may know nothing o f his o r o f their fitnes s fo r th e o f fi c e ; W hilst I do know that s , , , . 3 06 D UTI E S O F C HA I R M AN O F A M EE TI N G . een soon be heard o n w hich gentleman the choice o f the meeting rests A n d s u ch a course of pro cee ding which even if four o r five gentlemen b e thus n omi n ate d will n o t require more than a single minute will be a happy p assage of an orderly course o f pro ceeding t hrou g hout s , , . , , , , . 12 . A s it is a duty incumbent o n the persons assembled to listen to the nominations and t o allow the mo ’ ment s silence requisite for the secon ding s o does this state o f things impose a duty o n the persons who may be nominate d to the o fii c e o f chairman Thi s duty without the observance of which there will be disorder this duty is silence a n d an acquiescence in t he decisio n o f the meeting D iscl aimers pro tests o f u n fi tn e s s o f indispo sition of the superior claims of o thers ; in short speeches o f any sort ho wever short ought to be carefu lly avoided until there be a chair man seated and the meeting thereby organized It does no t follow that because a gentleman is nominated to the O ffice of chairman that he will be appointe d S o that each gentlema n so name d may with perfect p r o d and indee ought to remain silent leavin g it to r iet p y the meeting ho best know whom to prefer to make its choice If indeed it do happen that Owing to the state o f health o r to any o ther circumstance the gentleman selected have some insuperable obj ection t o undertaking the duties o f the o ffice as it is de s i r a ble above all things that the meeting be o rganized w ith as little delay as possible still let such gentle m a n t a ke the chair and from tha t position as brie fly , , . , , . , “ , , , , , . . , , . w , , , , , , , , , , E L E C TI ON OR APPO I N TMENT , 07 . pl ease s tate o r allude to the objection begging th e m e ct i ng to cho ose anoth er chairman during which he will pre s ide an d render his best assistance There a ch airman the meeting being ne organ being ne i z e d may and ought to have the question o n each nomination pu t to it and its vo te taken o n each nom i n a ti o n just as i ts vo te is to be t a ken o n any o ther questi o n But before pro ceeding to take the vo tes the chairman should allow time fo r all the no m inations likely to be made as he , , ‘ ‘ , w w . , , , , ~ , , . , , . It is an awkward and unpleasant thing for a gen t l e m a n calle d upon to fill the o ffice o f chairman o f a m eeting o n the o cca s io n of his first taking t h e chair to have to make his way towar ds it alone N o gentle man ough t to be left in this situation whether the meeting be large o r small O n the e lectio n o f th e S peaker of the H ous e of R epresentatives he i s with great propriety acco mpanied an d han ded to his chair A nd something o f this ought t o be O bserved and practised o f ushering t o hi s seat fo r the first time the chairman o f an y company 13 . ’ ‘ , . , . , , , . ’ , . 14 Thus fa r I have treated o f cases in which the chair ma n is to be cho sen by the meeting o n i t s a s s e mbl i n g An d it is in such cases only that precepts o r a dvice ca n be required There are o ther cases in which mee tin g s are convened and the inten de d chairman is n amed I n the requisition o r do cu m ent by whi ch the meeting is convened S uch meetings are of cou r se the res u lt o f some previous me e ting g r e a t o r small at . ' . . , , “ , , . , , ‘ , , 3 08 D U TI E S O F CHA I R M AN O F A MEE TI N G . which this appointment o f chairman and o ther a rrange ments have been made A ll this is very proper dc sirable and even necessary i n the case o f a large meeting T o such previous appointment o f a chair man there coul d be no reasonabl e obj ection even if i t did n o t come r ecommended to us by its ten deney t o forward the business o f the meeting ther e could be no reasonable Objection t o it in point o f order a t least seeing that it i s previously and h o enterta ins i n s u r openly announced a n d the man w mountable Obj ections to the chairman may stay away , , . , , . , , , , . , It must b e proper a n d desirable o n o ccasions o f l a r g e meetings to have the chairman previously a p poin te d Five hundred persons are probably as large an assemblage as can b e expected o n the instant to elect a chairman in a satisfactory manner and it may therefore o n all o ccasions o n which a meeting is rea s o n a bl y expected t o exceed this number be desirable fo r some smal ler number including among them o f course unless it be impracticable the originators o f the pro ceedings i t may in all such cases be desirabl e a n d proper for some such body o f persons to select and appoint a chairman : the mo de o f doin g which ought however t o be attended with at l east all th e Observances and forms that are inculcated in par a graphs 9 l o and 11 and ought li k ewise t o be i n flu e nc e d by the consi derations suggeste d in the fe r e p vio n s par a graphs beginni n g with that n u mbered 4 15 . , , . , , , , , , , , , , , , , ’ , , , , 16 . , w . A sm a ll e r bo dy may thus with perfect propri ety , 3 10 D U TI E S CHA I R M AN or A ME E TI N G or . previou s an d explicit di stinction of persons a n d of powers all are to be under s to o d as equal ; that is equal in poi nt of rights In this sta t e o f things every man h o ha s a right t o b e prese nt a n d o f cou r se every man who comes within the descriptio n o f the requisiti o n has such right ; every such man ha s a r i g h t and an equ a l right with any o the r man t o assis t i n th e nominatio n o f a chairman o r t o be himself nom i n a t e d and elected ; and o f co u rse a n equal right to make a n dto second and to vo te fo r or ag ainst mo tions and amendments This is the princ i ple this is the rule A nd o n the due observance o f this principle through o u t the whole o f i ts pro ceed i n g s must the peace and the o rder and the final s u ccess o f ev e r y meetin g pro e co d . , , w . . , , , , , . , , , , , , . . , , , , , . Nor is the r e the sligh test rea s o n for any rational A re we to o r just man to W ish that it were o therwi s e be told that there is a di fference in the educatio n i n the understanding i n the rank a n d station , a n d in the moral a nd intellectual qualities o f m e n ; and that o n this accoun t they ought no t t o be equally tr e ated Is this the plea for distinctions fo r preference s and for e xclusions at meetings such a s these o f which e ar e treating ? S how me your gauge for measur i ng for ascertaining the exac t worth the intellec tual rank o f men and for exhibiting with precision the estimation in which a man is held a n d in which he ought to be held by his neighbors and h i s fellow countryme n sho me thi s gau g e , a n d t hen will I con s ider o f the p le a fo r 18 . . , , , , , . , , , w , , , , - , , w ELE C TI ON OR , APPO I N TMEN T 311 - . But indee d we have this g au ge An d we see i t applied as completely as human i n fi r m i ti e s a n d pr e po s sessions will permit us to apply i t in the case o f a public meeting It is indubitable that w hen any m a n o fi e r s himself fo r any purpose to the atte n t i on o f an a ssemblage o f his neighbors that ass embla g e applie s the gauge It tak e s into consi der a tio n all hi s q u a l i ties and pretensions and bating that leaning to war ds wealth and power and established reputation to which are all of us pro ne it generally forms a tolerably e w accurate estimate o f a man A t all events this is the best gauge w The decisio n is apt to be gr eatly e have i n favor o f the i nfluential a n d the educated ; and he ho wants more than this fo r them m u st be a n irra t i o n a l devo tee 19 . . , , . , . ' , , , . , , , , , . , . w , . w much for the principle o n hich w e ought a n d indeed o n which if e would preserve the peace an d order and secure any go o d e ffects from a meeting s o much fo r the principle o n which throughout th e whol e fair we must pro ceed that is t o say a princi o f the a f pl e o f equity to wards every man duly enti tled to be present 2 0 So . , , w , , , . , , , . re s u me : W e left o u r subject with par a g raph 1 6 i n which the appo intment of a ch airman t o a large meeting by a smaller preparatory meeting ha d b ee n considere d a n d concluded The chairman then is se l e ct e dand appointe d The next step to be taken is to i ntro duce him to the larger meeting and to install him i n hi s o ffi ce which may be done wi th g r e a t nr o pi i 2 1 To . , , , . , . , . , , U E 3 12 D TI S O F CHA I R M AN A ME E T I N G or . ety and e ffect by a brief a d dr ess from some gentleman ho is acquai n ted with the merits and the fit ness o f the chairman elect A nd thi s may e n o t venture to pro nounce i s the only o ccasio n o n which a Speech o f any descriptio n ca n with propriety be addressed t o a me e ting previ ou s t o the installation o f its chair ma n and t o i ts co ns e q u en t o rgani z ation w . w , , . R THE E QUIS IT E PO WERS U I O FFI C E D T E S O F H IS . d u ties whe n a discussion i s to be carried hen motions a r e t o be ma de and am e ndments on w moved and eager speakers t o be restrained a n d some times turbulent audi t ors t o be ruled ; these duties a r e A nd yet when e n o t with in the s cop e o f every man c a ll t o m ind the considerations by which as s e mblag e s o f m e n often seem t o be guided in the selection o f a chairman w might very fairly conclude tha t this O f e fi ce o n e o f the most di ffi cult that a man can be called o n t o s u stain is i n their estimation the very easiest thing in life H owever i t is n o t o u r business to e x atia n the di ffi c u l ties bu t to remove o r t o surmo u n t t e o p 2 2 . T hes e AND , , , , , . w , , - , , , , . , , t he m . ch a irm a n o u ght in reality to h a v e a chai r a n d this chair ought if the assemblage be of any c on s i de r a bl e n u mber t o be r aised and by a l l m e a n s s o l a ce d as to d e t a ch i n s o m e s lig ht d e g r e e the gentl e p 2 3 T he . , , , , , , , , 3 14 DU TI ES O F C HA I R M AN O F A M EE TI N G . B esides for ano ther important reason the chair ma n is no t to be spoken with save by his secre tary o r clerk and ought to hol d none but in dispensabl e com mu ni c a ti o n s even with him during debate S etting in private a side the unseemliness o f communicating conversation with individuals Of the meeting there must be always sufficient t o occupy the whol e min d o f the chai r m an in the business of the meeting the object o f whi ch he must keep constantly a n d cl e a r l v t i n view s o as t o detect and be ready o check o n the H e is i nstant any the slightest aberration from it t o know is to see and to hear every thing that i s goin g o n he is t o bear in mind all that has passe d and to have a clear view o f w hat remains to be done so as to be able t o suggest with promptitude the nex t s t ep t o be taken and thereby to keep the a ttentio n o f To insure attention a n d t he meeting t o its purpose order he must himself set the example and must liste n with marked attentio n t o every sp eaker 2 6 . , , , . , , , , , , . , , , , , , , . , , . With this a rr angement the o ffice o f chairman becomes much less difficult than it would o therwise be The gentleman appoin ted ought as was before inti mate d t o be accompanied o r hande d to his chair by s ome o n e o r two others so that every o n e se e s and feels that his taking upon h imself the o ffice is n o t a pi cc e o f assumption o n his part 7 . . , , , . 2 8.N o gentleman will requir e to be remi nded th a t the o mc e o f chairman i n a meeting i n o n takin g h i ch di ffe rent and Oppo s ing m e a su r e s ma y be pr cr w , I ITE RE Q U S P O WE R S AN D D U TI E S 315 . pounded he resigns all thoughts o f p r o m o t i i g any particular views o r course o f pro cee ding to which he himself may be inclined If a gentleman can — no t thus resign his views and there a r e cases i n which a man ought n o t — his duty will be t o take the chair t o which he is elected and from th a t situa tion t o state t o the meeting the obligatio n he is under to advo cate and to maintain a p articular course o f pro ceeding ; and to beg that they will select a no ther chairman d u ring which selection he will gladly assist by presidin g , . , , . 2 9 On entering upon the duties o f his o ffi ce the chairman will have to address himself t o the meeting very brie fly but distinctly adverting t o the purpo se fo r which i t is assembled a n d if there be a r equisitio n or o ther document under which the meeting is convened he will do well to read it o r if it be o f any length to cause it to be read in a distinct and audible vo ice After this if it be no t indicated in the re q uisition the chairman may with great advantage point to the course o f pro ceeding intended to be pursued by the gentlemen w ho have proj ecte d and co nvened t he meet ing ; the course by which they mean to pur s ue their object if he be informed of that course and thus will t he meeting have the whole matter before them What ever may be his o pini ons o r his wishes with regar d t o the proposed measures i t will be his duty to abstain from the slightest expressio n o f them leaving the a d v a cating o f the measures and the obj ecting to them to the se veral Speakers If there be seats fo r th e . , , , , , , . , , , . , l , , . . 3 16 D UTI E S or CHA I R M AN A M EE TI N G or . company and they are no t seated it is highly expedient that the chairman require them to b e so An d if he think that some o f them require instruction on thi s hea d it will be equally expedient in him to request that gentlemen will keep their seats du ring the business o f th e m e e t i n g save when they rise to speak and that each gentleman o n the c onclusio n o f whatever he m a y have to say instantly resume his seat affor ding there by a fair opportunity for any other gentleman to rise O bservations o f this kind ; according to the taste and judgment o f the chairman conclu ding wi t h a r oc e m me n da t i o n to the meeting t o give a patient hearing to the several speakers will form a very suitable prelude O n resuming his seat t o the business o f the meeting the chairman both n o and o n every o ther occasion intimates his desire that the business o f the meeting s hould proceed , , . , , , , , . , , w , . , , . motion will now o f course be submitted t o the meeting and this motion having been read generally by the mover will doubtless be secon de d A fter the moving and the secon ding the wor ds of the motion in writing being han ded t o the chairman o r to his secre tary ought aga in in an audible voice t o be read to the meeting either by the chairm a n or by some person o f his appointment : and immediately after this fo r any obj ectio n to be made o n such mo tion o r a ny amen dment move d thereon If a fter a reasonable and suffi cient pause n o obj ector present himself the chair man will pro ceed to put the mo tion t o the meeting t akin g the vo t es fo r it and then a g ainst i t in the 30 A , , . , , . , “ , , , , , , , . , , , , , , 3 18 D U TI E S O F C HA I R M AN A M EE TI N G or . ourse with all due courtesy ; with firmness and t ho r i ty when required c , e u . these four mo des of raising an obj ection to an original mo tion it i s o f the utmo st importance that we obtain a clear u nderstanding S o let us trea t o f them severally in due order 32 . Of , . . , But first ; o f an OR IGI NAL M O TI ON There i s a duty here incumbent o n the chairman with regard to this mo tio n ; a duty due to his own character and to the character of the meeting A lthough such a ca s e seldom o ccurs yet as it might occur w e ought to be prepared for i t A mo tion even an original motion may be framed o n an oversight o r in error with r e gard to the expres s purpo se o f the meeting In this as in o ther cases it is the duty o f the chairman to be vigilant and if such a case o ccur he ought to point it 33 . . , . , , , . , , , , . , , ou t . 34 . H owever this after all may be only matter , , , of in divi dual opinion as every pr e p o s i t i o n is to be re gar de d until i t have been determined on by a vote o f the meeting The chairman may misapprehend the motion ; o r he may even b e un der some error with regard to the express purpo s e of the meeting E ither — f these is po ssible but we ought to be very careful o in a dmitting a nd acting o n such a presumption h o w ever i t is p os s ible that t he chairman i n objecting to a motion o n this groun d may be in erro r ; in which with becoming deference to his office he may h e c ase , . ' . , , , , , RE QUI S IT E PO W ER S D U T IE s AND 3 19 . easoned with If his obj ectio n be n o t removed then i t will be his d u ty to set such erroneous mo tio n as ide o r if susceptible o f correction to have it co rrected ever— as it is o f course po ssible — the chairman f ho w be in such a case manifestly and in the opinio n o f a majority o r near a maj o rity in erro r and his erro r be no t corrected then ought he as due to himself and t o the meeting t o entreat th at meeting to select ano the r chairman and thus to permit him to resign an o ffi ce in which no man ought to be called o n to do any thi n g o r to suffer any thing to be done which he do e s no t deem perfectly consonant to order What has been just stated with regard to the course to b e pursue d by a chairman in the case o f an original mo tion is e q ually applicable t o a n amen dment o n a motion r . , . , , T , , , , , , , , , , . , . AN A M EN D M EN T o n a mo tio n This as the term imports is designed by the mover as an i mp r o ve me nt o n a previous mo tion There are case s i n which we may very properly entertain a wish that no thing should be done cases in which w e may no t only b e opposed t o a mo tion just made but alto gether Opposed to any thin g of the nature o f such a mo tion opposed to any step whatever being taken In any such directio n a n d indeed oppose d t o any mov e ment whatever In a case o f this kind we do n o t pr e pose an amen dment ; unless indeed we might cho o se as a means o f awakening the attentio n of the n view o f the case to pr e pose an meeting to o u r o w i ronical amen dment except i n such a case as this if of 3 5 S econd ; . . , , . , , , . , , , , , . 32 0 D U T IE s wbe oppo sed t or CHAI R M AN O F A M EE TI N G . any thin g bein g done in the directio n proposed we do no t move an amendment but Objec t to argue directly against the motion and seek to per s uade the meetin g t o rej ect it by voting it o u t We do n o t move a s a n a me ndme nt that the st ep pr o po sed in the foregoing mo tio n be n o t taken n o r that the motio n b e rej ected W e do no t in such a case make a mo tion o f any description bu t as before stat e d e argue against t he motion There can in short b e n o mo tion p ro perly framed to put a direct ne g a ti ve o n any thing Mo tions p r opositions o f any so r t mus t n ever be in the ne g a ti ve but always in th e afi r m a ti ve form They must always affi rm that something IS never the c o ntrary A n d it is part o f o r S HAL L B E the duty o f the chairman to see that all motions b e u t i n t he proper form p e o . , , , , , . “ . . , , w , , . . , , , , , . , . . 36 . A n amendment then like an ori g inal motion mus t , , , be in the a ffirmative form and professing as it do e s to b e an improvement o n such mo tion it ought osten nu s i bl y at least ; to be shaped towar ds the same e n d less in de e d that i n the opinion o f the mover o f the amendment the original motio n be no t conformable t o the p u r pose o f the meeting i n which ca s e he may o n t hat ground o ffer his amen dment for th e avowed p u r po s e of superseding that mo tion altogether , , , , , , , , . Third Su ffi cient has been sai d in the last pa r a g r a ph but one o n t h e mo de of pro cee ding in o rder t o put a negative o n a mo tion O f the methods of r esisting the adoption of a moti on as enumerated in 37 . . ' . , U I E S O F C HA I R M AN 32 2 or D T A M EE TI N G . to pla c e himself in o ppo s ition to a propositio n such a s A n d yet he a ny o f these which we have s r pp o s e d and a majority of the meeting may wish to get r i d of i t The step then to be taken is to move the previous questio n whi ch question although never directly p u t save in a case o f this kin d is always under s to od to have been put and carrie d in the a ffirmative prev i ous to a meeting entering on the discu s sio n o f any motion ” A n d the moving o f the previous question is the moving That this meeting do now pro cee d with the ” discussion o f the motion before it The mover of this wishes o f course that the meeting shall decide that it will no t proceed with the discussion and there by throw o u t the proposition But as laid down in paragraph 3 5 all mo tio ns must be made in the a ffirm ative form and a negative vo te may thus be ob t a ined un der that form . , , . , , , , . “ . , , , . , , , . Thus may a meeti n g at any time if it please in a regular a n d orderly manner a n d without throwing the ungracious o ffice o n its chairman set aside a mo tion which it may deem useless or o therwise unworth y The previous question however must o f discussion ait its turn ere i t be move d The mo tio n against which i t may be empl oyed besides being moved m u st be seconded and put to th e meeting by being rea d by the chairman o r by some p er s on under his direction Because until this be done the previous question i s pr e mature is unnecess a ry is out of or der 40 . , , , , , ” “ w . , , . , , , . , , , 41 . , F i fth and l a st , . A . mo tion to A D JO U RN . Thi s R E Q U I S IT E PO W ER S AN D D U TI E S 32 3 . may be made at any time and ma y be again and agai n repeated N o r i s i t an easy matter to devise a rule by which the making o f it can be restrained without subj ecting a meeting to very great i n c o n The usual restraint the obligation n o t to ve n i e n ce s make a mo tion for an adjournment lightly and i n co n for factious purposes consists in the or s i de r a t cl y great responsibility in the o dium to which the mover would subject himself unl ess countenanced by the g en eral sense o f the meeting But this o dium this r e sponsibility is g enerally suffi cient and is the chief o r only security fo r o rderly conduct in any p art o f a publi c meeti ng , - . , . , , , , , . , , , . Thus then have we before u s the several m o tions and forms o f mo tions which any member and every member entitled to b e pre s ent at a meeting has a right t o make and that which each individual ha s a right t o do it is the business and the duty o f the chairman to pro tect him in the performance o f 42 . , , , , , . Is it necessary t o observe that these rights are little liable to be abused ? They never in fact are abuse d O u r citizens generally are but to o di fi i de n t o f themselves to be troublesome in making superfluo us mo tion s A nd n o o n e will call in question the salu tary nature o f these rights save persons Of peevish a n d ungovernable tempers who would have e very thing their o w H owever salutary o r no t the n way rights do exist and must exist where a number o f men a r e assemble d fo r the purpose o f debating on any prop 43 . , , . . , , . , , , . 2 4 os i D U TI E S O F CHA I R MAN O F A M EET I N G . ti o n , and there can be no order unless all par t ie s be equally protected a n d aide d by the chairman i n the fair exerci s e of these rights . 44 But these are rights to make motions merely E very indivi dual entitle d t o take part in th e pro ceed ing that is t o say entitled to be present and t o vo te is fully entitled to make mo tions and to second m o tions provided that such motions be conformable to the rules just laid down But the making of speeches the o ccupying o f the time a n d attentio n o f the meet ing by making speeches is ano ther a ffair H ere each n way to the favor a n d to the man must make his o w attention of a meeting A n d the meeting ought to be allowed to cho o se whether it will hear him or not It must be the duty of a chairman to forbid partial and envious and preconcerted interruptions of a speaker but if a whole meeting have a distaste either fo r the man o r for his manner o f Speaking o r for the matter of his speech i t can never be the duty o f a chairman to insist o n their listening The meetin g ought to be allowed to cho ose whom and what it will listen to in the way o f Speaking ; and has a right must have a right to express its approbation o r its di approbation in any manner i t may please It is par tial and preconcerte d interruptions only that a chairman ought t o repress without being called upon t o obtain a hearing for a te dious incapable o r o ther wise distasteful speech Bu t a mo tion is ano ther mat h o can no t obtain attention as a Speak ter A man w and it m ust be the duty e r may move a proposition . . , , , , , . , . , , . . , , , , , . , , , s , . , , , . . , , U IES 2 6 D T or CHA I R M AN or A M EE TI N G . to pr o no u nce i ts opinion o n the propo sition ; and having S ubmitte d it the mover a n d seconder are not competent to withdraw it save with the unanimo u s c q u i e s c e n c e o f the meeting , , , . 47 A mo tion being thus fully before a if no objector present himself may be put to the vo te without further speaking although there can be no irregularity in a thir d o r fourth Speaker o ffering reasons in its support But neither mover nor s econ der ought agai n to be permitte d to Speak save in explanatio n O f some previous Obscurity or manifest misapprehension a n d to such explanation shoul d any further words from either of them be very rigidly confined But if an obj ector appear if a debate arise then may the mover Speak a secon d time o r his secon der as I a pprehen d if no member obj ect to it may W ithout impropriety speak o n his behalf ; such s peech being strictly confine d to a reply to the o bj e c tions stated ; to explanations as before spoken of and t o a summing up of the arguments previously u se d i n N O new matter ought to be suf s upport o f the mo tion fc r e d to originate in this secon d S peech for if it were he Whole debate woul d be reopene d a n d the objectors to the motion woul d manifestly be entitle d to answer such new matter and bring forward new arguments A nd a n d second thoughts o n their parts against i t thu woul d there be no end to a question . m eeting , , , . , , . , , , , , . , , , , , . s . This right O f reply a s i t is terme d exi s ts in the m over of a n orig i nal prop osi tion ; but belon g s 48 . , , RE QUI S IT E P O W ER S AN D D U TI E S 32 7 . bt to the mover o f an amendment whose mov e ments altogether bo th Speech and motion are in o ppo s i t iou are in answer to the o riginal mo tion and to the There must Speech o r Speeches ma de in its support be limits to a de ba t e Men h o do no t make speeches must no t b e kept in unlimited attendance o n those ho do nor must speakers b e p ermitted by repeated a nswers by replies a n d rej o inders to degenerate into The rule is : O ne speech for each man a wrangle i f he please o n eac h mo tion and no m ore s a ve to th e mover of an original propositio n ; W hose second also to be kept fro m new matter from 3pe e ch is save such s econd tho u ghts in favo r of his mo tion thoughts as clearly apply i n answer to the objectio ns just made t o his pr e po s i t i o n It is o f course the duty o f the chairman liberally to interpret and t o apply this rule n , , , , , w . . w , , , , . , , , , , , , , . , , . 49 With r egard to the time o f commencing his reply This as almo st every thing else in these matters must be in deference t o t h e co nvenience and wishes o f the meeting When a number o f men are assembled o n business that bu s iness ought to be done with promptitude with Spirit but with du e attentio n t o , order There ought to be no lo itering no r a u v in decent haste S o the time fo r the mo ver to r i s e and to commence his reply is when a pause o ccurs in the debate when no person appears e a ger to make o bj e c t ion ; o r w hen a meeting impatient to c o m e to a c l ose calls fo r an end to the de ba t e In either o f these cases the ch a irman will h a n ds omely fu l li l hi s . . , , . . , , ' , . , . ~ , , . D UTI E S OF C H AI R M AN OF A M E E TI N G . duty by turning his eyes towa rds the per s on w ho mad e t he original mo tio n thereby signifying to hi m that he i s ready to hear any thi ng which such p erso n may hav e to say in reply , . The debate being ended by the reply o r by th e person w h o is entitled to reply declining to exercise his right without per mitting any fu rther speeches o r amen dments the chairman Ought to pro ceed to p u t the questio n as it is calle d —that i s to take the vote which vo te he of course takes in the o f the meeti n g manner that is usual in meetings o f the same de s cr i p tion ; co mmonly by a S ho w of han ds : but if there b e a dispute o r uncertainty about the decision i t must become his duty to divide the meeting and if nec os sary to a satisfactory decision to have the persons o n each side counted 50 . , , , , , , , , , , , . There must be no unfair pro ceeding in this part o f the con duct of a meeting There is a never failin g and a mo st a dmirable dispo sition in the people o f this country to debate on their differences to discuss their Opposing claims ; to meet for thes e purpo ses ; and then all parties who have a right a n d who cho o se to be pre s ent being assembled to put the p oint in dispute amon g them to the vo te and then to yield to that vo te whether it be for or against them This di s po sitio n in the great bulk of the p eopl e never fails us A n d nothing i n human nature can be more a dmirable more salutary T hey think no t o f fighting C ome say they let us discuss the di fference between us ; and havin g dul y 51 . - . , , , , , . . . , . , , , 330 D U TI E S O F C HA I R M AN O F A M EE TI NG . But for the chairman to lend himself to the purposes o f a party what is it but to pervert his o ffice a n d to betray the co nfi dence which men are accus t e me d to repo se in that o ffi ce ? The least evil ari s in g from such a cour s e o f conduct is the discontent and t u rbulence usually attendant o n i t The ultimate and n o t very remote consequences o f such behavior o n the part o f chairmen were it to become prevalent woul d be to drive our brave o u r generous our just countrymen fro m their habitual fair play and c o nfi dence in each o ther to drive them from these which happily are still a part o f their nature ; to drive them from their debating a n d vo ting into the use o f the knife and the dagger 53 . , , . , , , , , , , , . To return to the course o f business which the chairman has to perform the details o f which e left i n the taking of the vo te at paragraph 50 54 . w , . , If there be but one motion before the meeting the chairman pro cee ds the debate being ende d to take the votes F OR a n dA G A I NS T that mo tion But if there be an a men dm ent o n that mo tion he takes the vo tes for a n d against the amendment first ; a n d if there were a second o r a third amendment then would he have to take the votes on these severally for a n d against each begin ning with the last and ascending upwards towards the original mo tion 55 . , , , . , , , , , , . When there is a mo tion and an amendmen t thereo n to be vo ted on it is a common practice to 56 . , RE QUI S IT E PO W ER S AN D D U TI E S 33 1 . the vo te S imply for the amendment an d then that for the original mo tio n a n d so to deci de the questio n between these two merely in favo r of that hich has the greater number o f vo tes B u t this is by no means correct Fo r al though o n e o f these mo tions may have more vo tes than the o ther it do es no t follo w that it is t o be adopted A majority o f th e meeting may b e averse to bo th and have there fo re vo ted fo r neither I t is their turn to vo te A nd to give them this turn each mo tio n must be put completely to the meeting F OR and A G A I N S T Thus fi r s t fo r the a me ndme nt and then a g a i ns t the a me n d m e nt When if a maj ority b e fo r the a m e ndme nt the question is settle d the amen dment being carrie d a n d he original question vo ted o u t ; but if the majority be against the amendment then comes the vo ting fo r and a g a i ns t the o r i g i na l m oti o n A nd this may b e outvo ted likewise I t by no means follo ws that because two o r three propositions are made to us we must accept o n e o f the m W e may very wisely e are rejecting every propo sed cho ose to remain as w alteration tak e , , w . . , , . , , . . , , . , , , , . , , , , , . . , , . , . In the manner thus laid do wn may a number o f motions original o r amendments be successively dis posed O f A nd the rules laid down o n this and o n a l l the o ther po ints apply equally to large o r to small meetings 57 . , , , . , , . 58 . H aving ascertained that the busines s meeting and consequently the duties , of of the the chairman , 33 2 D UT I E S O F CHA I R M AN or A M E E I IN G . are at an end the ch a irman o u ght wi th pro m pti tud e to declare that the pro ceedings h ave terminate d and instantly to leave the chair ; a ffor di n g thereby an opportunity t o the meeting to express its a p p r o ba tion o r disapprobation o f his co nduct , , , , . 59 Thus far have we looked only to the duties and t o the o mc e of chairmen o f o ccasional o r single meetings without referring t o tho s e o f the chairman o f a permanent society council o r committee which assembles a dj ourns and r e as s e mbl cs at stated and app ointed perio ds . , , , , , , . It must b e merely o n the reassembling o f a meeting of th i s kind that there can n o w remain any thing p articular to observe o n O n such o ccasions the chairman will have to refer to the minutes of the prece ding meeting Whether this assembling be a recurrence only Of the o r dinary a n d regular meetings j ournment o r the result of a s p ecial appointment by a d o r o therw i se it will in the outset be the busin e s s o f the chairman to state A n d then he will rea d o r cause to be rea d from the minute s o f former meetings whatever may ten d to lead th e present into the bu s i ness aw a iting its attention 60 . . . , , , , , . , , , . There are o n e or two qu es tions cl o sely connected with this part o f the subject yet to be spoken o f The first o f which in point of interest and importa nce 61 . , . , 34 D UTI E S O F CHA I R M AN O F A M EE TI N G . properly he will incur the disapprobation the cen s ure and con demnatio n of the meeting It can be proper only when a speaker is o u t of o rder ; either making a pr e o i n o that is irregular in some partic lar o r s i t u p wandering from t he questio n before the meeting or o therwise unnecessarily consuming the time o r endan gering o r perverting the just a n d reasonable purpo s es o f the meeting It is an ungracious o ffi ce to interrupt a ho is thus irregular ; the chairman may be i n p erso n w attentive to the irregularity o r hO p i ng it will so on ter minate may defer the exercise o f his authority In any case o f this kin d an in dividual o f quick discernment and great z eal for the success of the pro ceedings may with commen dable Spirit rise and addressing himself to the chairman may point o u t the i rregularity That may suffi ce t o put a s te p to it But if i t do n o t th e meeting will most probably express its Opinion , , , . , , , . , , . , , , , , , . , . , ’ . A n individual thus O ffering himself the attentio n o f the chairman in the middle o f a sp eech ought to b e listened to whilst he briefly points o u t what he conceives to b e an ir re g u larity A nd the moment an individual thus rises Signifying as he ought to do that it is on a p oint o f order the person o u ght o f course t o stop awaiting the S p e aki n g h o alone and n o t the decisio n o f the chairman w meeting is to be a ddressed and appealed t o o n all points o f order 65 . to , , . , , , , , , , \ , , , . When at onc e t w o o r more persons rise o r a d van ce , i n o rder t o addr e s s the cha i r ma n o r the mee t 66 . , RE QUI S IT E PO W ER S AN D D UTI E S 3 35 . ing the question a s to which shall first speak is to be determined by the chairman wh o will determi ne i t i n favor of the gentlema n who fi rst catches his eye There can be no better rule devise d than this T he chairman as laid down in paragraph 2 3 ought to be so placed as to b e able to see all and to be seen o f all and as it is part of his duty to avail himself of this his favorable S ituation so ought he best to s e e w ho first advances to Speak A fter the gentleman who ’ first catches the chairman s eye the second and thir d according to the nomination o f the chairman ought t o have the privilege o f speaking , , . , , , , , , . , , , , . 67 The last point which under this head it may be — ad visable to no tice is this and it is designed for every individual member o f a meeting L et the chair ma n be the sole preserver Of o rder A ny attempt t o assist him in this part o f h i s O ffi ce save by S ilent and respectful attentio n to him must tend to create dis order There are certainly extreme cases in which it may become expedient fo r a meeting to expel from its body some ungovernable and disorderly individual this o f course is a case t o which the rule just laid down does no t apply It is the privilege of the chair ” man alone t o call to OR D ER L et no o ther indivi d ual presume t o utter the call But let the mee t ing at all times be r eady to en force attentio n t o the wishes ” a n d t o the comm ands o f T HE C HA I R . , , ~ . . , , . , , , , . . . “ .